Note: iOS 9 + Facebook users w/ trouble scrolling: #super sorry# we hope to fix it asap. In the meantime Chrome Mobile is a reach around
hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts

Medical Guide: How to STFU about BlazBlue

6:20 PM on 07.28.2009 // Topher Cantler

It seems there is an epidemic. Far and wide, people have been stricken with a strange and disturbing illness; one that appears to have crippled their senses and interfered with brain function. It begins with a widening of the pupils, accompanied by a kind of selective blindness. This is followed shortly thereafter by an uncontrollable vomitng of stupid words from the mouth, and I for one am concerned.

Since the various departments of health and human wellness have overlooked or chosen to ignore this growing problem, I've decided to take action. After the jump, I have drawn from my nearly 30 years of gaming experience and put together a simple, one-step program to help you defend yourself against infection.

This is a terrible affliction that, as members of our beloved community, I wish for you not to contract. It would be a tragedy for this outbreak to spread any further than it already has, and we must all do our part to stop it. For the safety and well-being of yourself and those around you, please read on.

Step 1: Shut the fuck up.

Fortunately for all of us, this ghastly condition can be both cured and prevented by a simple closing of the mouth. I understand that this can sometimes be very difficult for some people, especially when guarded by the impenetrable defenses of internet anonymity, but it really is that basic.

The problem lies not with BlazBlue itself, but the sickness it can cause in some of those who play it. I happen to adore the game, and find it to be breathtakingly beautiful. It is indeed spectacular in nearly every respect, and is well worth your time and money. (Still, it will be interesting to see how many of the people who comment on this article will choose to completely ignore that I've just written this paragraph.)

But there is in fact a problem, so as a public service, I will do what I can to help. To ensure that you have not been infected, and to rescue you from the resulting misfortune of looking like a blithering dolt in the event that you have, please refer to the following list of symptoms and recommended cures or solutions. Sadly, they are all based on real cases, from real people who need our help.

Symptom: "Why couldn't Street Fighter IV have looked like BlazBlue?"

Tsk, tsk. How sad to see people suffering this way. It hurts my heart, it really does. Dear child, SFIV cannot look like BlazBlue because it uses 3D character models, you see. That was Capcom's decision; and while I'll agree that most if not all of the game's fighters have a mild case of The Fuglys, their condition is not quite as bad as the one you currently live with, which is a case of Teh Stoopids.

Capcom's digital release of SFII: HD Remix was proof enough that they are indeed capable of producing beautiful, high-definition 2D character models. Just because you liked the way that looked does not mean that everything the developer puts out should look the same. Street Fighter has been 2D for a long time, and paved the way for many other great fighting franchises. Capcom has earned the right to try something a little different at this point.

Besides, it's not as if they took away HD Remix when SFIV hit stores. It's still there and you can still play it! Isn't that lovely? If you want High-Def 2D graphics, there they are. Can you not take that for what it is and be happy with it? If not, perhaps you should take the following instead:

Remedy: 2 Shut The Fuck Up gelcaps, should the urge to speak arise.

Symptom: "Why can't KOF XII look like BlazBlue?"

This one is a bit tougher. It seems your illness has spread beyond your optical receptors and begun to work its way into the part of your brain that inhibits the opening of your mouth in regard to subjects you don't understand. A shame, to be sure, but all is not yet lost.

The King of Fighters XII, like most SNK games, uses a form of artwork called sprites. Sprites are a collection of cleverly placed dots or pixels, which come together to form a character animation. This can play tricks on the human eye, (particularly in the case of younger patients), which in some instances may lead to an uncontrollable discharge of words from the piehole. Words like "jaggy," "blocky," or in more severe cases, "pixelated."

This is not altogether beyond medical understanding. Sprites are an ancient Japanese practice, and thusly not approved by the American Food and Drug Administration. A long-forgotten culture called "Arcade patrons" used to employ the sprite as a means of clearly detecting hitboxes, among its many other handy benefits. Most patients who suffer from this symptom have found relief via being informed by older, more experienced gamers of the fact that this is how a sprite is supposed to look. 

Remedy: 300mg of Stop And Think About Just How Fucking Dumb You Sound, You Ignorant Newbie.

Symptom: "Why can't Marvel Vs Capcom 2 look like BlazBlue?"

Oh ... oh, you poor, poor soul. It seems you've got the worst of it, and you'll be difficult to help at this point. But I don't like to think of you as a lost cause. Let us hold on to hope, shall we? The treatment for this awful problem might be a traumatic experience, but do try your best to be strong, okay? Here goes:

MvC2 is a port of a godamned nine year-old game. I'm not 100% sure on the precise amount of time it takes to redraw every frame of animation for 50+ character sprites, but I would imagine the overall number falls somewhere between "an assload" and "a fuckton." Were you hoping to PAY for that time and work? Because you would have.

Patients experiencing this debilitating symptom have shown signs of both of the aforementioned SFIV and KOF XII troubles as well. If you or a loved one are found in this situation, please administer a combination of all remedies and treatments outlined above immediately. 

Remedy: The FDA has not yet approved a method of treating this level of gaming ignorance, although some forms of alternative medicine have shown signs of effectiveness. Try relaxing in a comfortable environment, while chanting one or all of the following phrases:

1. The game was awesome the way it was. And it's rare as hell. $15 to play it online is not bad.
2. They still gave us high-res backgrounds, menus, and crisper versions of the original sprites anyway.
3. Capcom already made an HD Remix. It was good. I should go play that if I don't like this one.
4. Maybe I should shut the fuck up.

Symptom: Why can't EVERYTHING look like BlazBlue?"

Oh my. I have bad news. Nurse, please tell this patient's family to wait outside. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, young gamer, but ... well, to put it in the most sympathetic terms possible, you're fucked. There's nothing more we can do for you here. We'll help your family to make all the necessary preparations.

But before you pass on and leave us, there's something you should be made aware of. See, what makes BlazBlue such an amazing game, what sets it apart from the countless other fighters that have been released this year, is how gorgeous it is. The game is absolutely beautiful, and that is what makes it special. If everything looked like that, BlazBlue would be just another fighter. If you like the game so much, why do you want to take that away from it?

It's heartbreaking to see that your condition has taken this kind of toll. I've been doing what I do for a long time, but it never gets any easier to watch. If you can't appreciate that there are different forms of art in this world, and that each of these games is special for what it is just as much as BlazBlue, then ... well, perhaps it's best if you just shut the fuck up.

Topher Cantler,
 Follow Blog + disclosure

This blog submitted to our editor via our Community Blogs, and then it made it to the home page! You can follow community members and vote up their blogs - support each other so we can promote a more diverse and deep content mix on our home page.

 Setup email comments

Unsavory comments? Please report harassment, spam, and hate speech to our community fisters, and flag the user (we will ban users dishing bad karma). Can't see comments? Apps like Avast or browser extensions can cause it. You can fix it by adding * to your whitelists.

Status updates from C-bloggers

Dr Mel avatarDr Mel
I don't think it will happen, but if the NX is turns out to be a VR device, I will be the saddest boy in the milky way.
Mike Martin avatarMike Martin
There's something so fucking delicious about a toasted Hawaiian roll, smoked ham, Swiss, some spinach and a dollop of mustard. #FatKidPosts
Still in work clothes.
Gamemaniac3434 avatarGamemaniac3434
Welp, wrote up a blog for that there bloggers wanted. Its me bitching about Bioshock Infinite! Again! Yay!!!!!!
Sr Churros avatarSr Churros
Just finished watching The Phantom Menace. Yeah, Jar Jar is as bad as people say. Baby Vader is so cute and also kicks some serious ass. One of the best lightsaber battles of the series, if not the best one. It was pretty neat!
Roxas1359 avatarRoxas1359
Can't decide where I should upload my latest project. Either on my YouTube Channel or on Game Anyone. On the one hand YouTube gets more exposure, but Game Anyone is where some of my more popular walkthroughs are. The game is 3D Land if anyone is wondering
Fuzunga avatarFuzunga
Thanksgiving dinner for days!
OverlordZetta avatarOverlordZetta
Anyone know if the Bethesda games on sale on Amazon for a certain amount of time, or through Monday?
TysonOfTime avatarTysonOfTime
In light of the fact that Xenoblade Chronicles X is fast approaching, I suggest we start planning out a Destructoid Squad! NNID is TysonOfTime. From what I've heard, it doesn't appear Squads are region locked (except for Japan), so everyone's welcome!
Jed Whitaker avatarJed Whitaker
Typing of the Dead > all other typing games.
Lawman avatarLawman
Listening to this on a Tall Oaks level of RE: Revelations 2's Raid Mode is entrancing, for some reason.
EdgyDude avatarEdgyDude
Need a reason to support Indivisible? Shantae is in it!. Back it or spread the word, every bit of help counts.
KeithTheGeek avatarKeithTheGeek
Sometimes I miss how hilariously janky Brawl was, and I still have a lot of fun playing it. Not sure if I could ever take it seriously as a competitive game, but I want to enter at least one Brawl tournament in the future. You know, if I can find one.
KnickKnackMyWack avatarKnickKnackMyWack
I love how on a slow news day I can always turn to Qposts for something else to read and think about. Keep up the mojo fellas!
Rad Party God avatarRad Party God
I finally caved in to those sweet deals, got Shantae and The Pirate's Curse, Downwell and Super House of Dead Ninjas :)
CoilWhine avatarCoilWhine
I hope that Prototype runs better on my dad's old laptop than it does on my AMD gaming rig. Some badly coded games run like ass on AMD cards.
LinkSlayer64 avatarLinkSlayer64
Please spare me from issues in the process of publishing my blog! Especially since I modified CSS to unnecessarily pseudo-crop an image, and make it so some images float next to text, and make it look decent on mobile. I'm a frickin' nerd, love it.
Nathan D avatarNathan D
The night brims with defiled scum, and is permeated by their rotten stench. Just think, now you're all set to hunt and kill to your heart's content! #FashionBorne [img][/img]
MeanderBot avatarMeanderBot
Two more days to get in on the unofficial Christmas Card! [Url][/URL]
Solar Pony Django avatarSolar Pony Django has got a mystery sale on T Shirts and Tank Tops atm, $5 for each. Only catch is they're random. But I've had some good luck, got a Captain Falcon one before, Zombies ate my Neighbors and a Persona 4 X Earthbound crossover.
more quickposts



Invert site colors

  Dark Theme
  Light Theme

Destructoid means family.
Living the dream, since 2006

Pssst. konami code + enter

modernmethod logo

Back to Top

We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -