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Medical Guide: How to STFU about BlazBlue

6:20 PM on 07.28.2009 // Topher Cantler

It seems there is an epidemic. Far and wide, people have been stricken with a strange and disturbing illness; one that appears to have crippled their senses and interfered with brain function. It begins with a widening of the pupils, accompanied by a kind of selective blindness. This is followed shortly thereafter by an uncontrollable vomitng of stupid words from the mouth, and I for one am concerned.

Since the various departments of health and human wellness have overlooked or chosen to ignore this growing problem, I've decided to take action. After the jump, I have drawn from my nearly 30 years of gaming experience and put together a simple, one-step program to help you defend yourself against infection.

This is a terrible affliction that, as members of our beloved community, I wish for you not to contract. It would be a tragedy for this outbreak to spread any further than it already has, and we must all do our part to stop it. For the safety and well-being of yourself and those around you, please read on.

Step 1: Shut the fuck up.

Fortunately for all of us, this ghastly condition can be both cured and prevented by a simple closing of the mouth. I understand that this can sometimes be very difficult for some people, especially when guarded by the impenetrable defenses of internet anonymity, but it really is that basic.

The problem lies not with BlazBlue itself, but the sickness it can cause in some of those who play it. I happen to adore the game, and find it to be breathtakingly beautiful. It is indeed spectacular in nearly every respect, and is well worth your time and money. (Still, it will be interesting to see how many of the people who comment on this article will choose to completely ignore that I've just written this paragraph.)

But there is in fact a problem, so as a public service, I will do what I can to help. To ensure that you have not been infected, and to rescue you from the resulting misfortune of looking like a blithering dolt in the event that you have, please refer to the following list of symptoms and recommended cures or solutions. Sadly, they are all based on real cases, from real people who need our help.

Symptom: "Why couldn't Street Fighter IV have looked like BlazBlue?"

Tsk, tsk. How sad to see people suffering this way. It hurts my heart, it really does. Dear child, SFIV cannot look like BlazBlue because it uses 3D character models, you see. That was Capcom's decision; and while I'll agree that most if not all of the game's fighters have a mild case of The Fuglys, their condition is not quite as bad as the one you currently live with, which is a case of Teh Stoopids.

Capcom's digital release of SFII: HD Remix was proof enough that they are indeed capable of producing beautiful, high-definition 2D character models. Just because you liked the way that looked does not mean that everything the developer puts out should look the same. Street Fighter has been 2D for a long time, and paved the way for many other great fighting franchises. Capcom has earned the right to try something a little different at this point.

Besides, it's not as if they took away HD Remix when SFIV hit stores. It's still there and you can still play it! Isn't that lovely? If you want High-Def 2D graphics, there they are. Can you not take that for what it is and be happy with it? If not, perhaps you should take the following instead:

Remedy: 2 Shut The Fuck Up gelcaps, should the urge to speak arise.

Symptom: "Why can't KOF XII look like BlazBlue?"

This one is a bit tougher. It seems your illness has spread beyond your optical receptors and begun to work its way into the part of your brain that inhibits the opening of your mouth in regard to subjects you don't understand. A shame, to be sure, but all is not yet lost.

The King of Fighters XII, like most SNK games, uses a form of artwork called sprites. Sprites are a collection of cleverly placed dots or pixels, which come together to form a character animation. This can play tricks on the human eye, (particularly in the case of younger patients), which in some instances may lead to an uncontrollable discharge of words from the piehole. Words like "jaggy," "blocky," or in more severe cases, "pixelated."

This is not altogether beyond medical understanding. Sprites are an ancient Japanese practice, and thusly not approved by the American Food and Drug Administration. A long-forgotten culture called "Arcade patrons" used to employ the sprite as a means of clearly detecting hitboxes, among its many other handy benefits. Most patients who suffer from this symptom have found relief via being informed by older, more experienced gamers of the fact that this is how a sprite is supposed to look. 

Remedy: 300mg of Stop And Think About Just How Fucking Dumb You Sound, You Ignorant Newbie.

Symptom: "Why can't Marvel Vs Capcom 2 look like BlazBlue?"

Oh ... oh, you poor, poor soul. It seems you've got the worst of it, and you'll be difficult to help at this point. But I don't like to think of you as a lost cause. Let us hold on to hope, shall we? The treatment for this awful problem might be a traumatic experience, but do try your best to be strong, okay? Here goes:

MvC2 is a port of a godamned nine year-old game. I'm not 100% sure on the precise amount of time it takes to redraw every frame of animation for 50+ character sprites, but I would imagine the overall number falls somewhere between "an assload" and "a fuckton." Were you hoping to PAY for that time and work? Because you would have.

Patients experiencing this debilitating symptom have shown signs of both of the aforementioned SFIV and KOF XII troubles as well. If you or a loved one are found in this situation, please administer a combination of all remedies and treatments outlined above immediately. 

Remedy: The FDA has not yet approved a method of treating this level of gaming ignorance, although some forms of alternative medicine have shown signs of effectiveness. Try relaxing in a comfortable environment, while chanting one or all of the following phrases:

1. The game was awesome the way it was. And it's rare as hell. $15 to play it online is not bad.
2. They still gave us high-res backgrounds, menus, and crisper versions of the original sprites anyway.
3. Capcom already made an HD Remix. It was good. I should go play that if I don't like this one.
4. Maybe I should shut the fuck up.

Symptom: Why can't EVERYTHING look like BlazBlue?"

Oh my. I have bad news. Nurse, please tell this patient's family to wait outside. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, young gamer, but ... well, to put it in the most sympathetic terms possible, you're fucked. There's nothing more we can do for you here. We'll help your family to make all the necessary preparations.

But before you pass on and leave us, there's something you should be made aware of. See, what makes BlazBlue such an amazing game, what sets it apart from the countless other fighters that have been released this year, is how gorgeous it is. The game is absolutely beautiful, and that is what makes it special. If everything looked like that, BlazBlue would be just another fighter. If you like the game so much, why do you want to take that away from it?

It's heartbreaking to see that your condition has taken this kind of toll. I've been doing what I do for a long time, but it never gets any easier to watch. If you can't appreciate that there are different forms of art in this world, and that each of these games is special for what it is just as much as BlazBlue, then ... well, perhaps it's best if you just shut the fuck up.

Topher Cantler,
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