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Man confesses to sexing picnic table, God of War videogame is clearly to blame

1:15 AM on 04.01.2008 // Colette Bennett

Some people enjoy sitting on the porch and discussing the antics of neighborhood hooligans, trading what will they think of nexts while they ogle passerby for the next potential source of gossip. The Porch Patrol may think they have every topic covered, but even if so they surely at least feigned shock and fanned themselves over the news of one Mr. Arthur Price, who was recently convicted for making sweet love to his picnic table on his backyard deck in full view of the neighbors.

Price has since confessed to the act after being filmed by one such neighbor, who recorded the acts and gave them to to police. He also confessed to sexual interactions with the table inside the home. I can only assume it was equipped for foldable storage purposes.

Foxtoid News was contacted soon after the news was announced by one Ms. Rita Kissinger, who claims to live in the building next door on the top floor and to have witnessed Mr's Price's yearnings in action. The single mother commented that after "accidentally" seeing Price for the seventh time she noticed that his action closely resembled the actions that she saw her son playing in the Sony Playstation 2 game God of War, where you can save your game by engaging in sexual activity with two scantily clad women in a bed.

"I heard Price make a sound that sounded just like that part of the game where the women make the same sound," commented Kissinger. " I then realized the two things were related and took the game away from my son. Clearly Mr. Price was acting out this scene in the game, but the poor soul obviously has no one to act it out with so he pretended the picnic table was two gussied up trollops."

When contacted for comment, the Sony representative made a sound reminscient of a cross between a cat being strangled and tittering and hung up the phone. We have tried to reach other sources for comment but Sony has not returned these calls. We can only draw the conclusion that the game is to blame and that it actually contains full scenes of pornography, which must have driven a once sane man to committ this crime as a pathetic cry for help.

[Via First Coast News]

Colette Bennett,
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