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Man chokes girlfriend with Wii remote after stealing cookies photo

The Wii is the console that is bringing families together across America. Such irony then, that it also doubles as an effective strangulation tool for moronic boyfriends.

Daniel Alvarez of Austin, Texas has been apprehended on charges of aggravated assault after using a Wii remote cord to strangle his girlfriend. The assault occurred after a fight sparked by stolen cookies. I sh*t you not.

Christina Alvarado discovered that her greedy boyfriend had helped himself to her Girl Scout cookies. Christina was infuriated, but Daniel was also enraged due to the fact that she had woken him up -- a crime far greater than stealing, apparently. Just to make sure we're all the same page here and know it's not a joke -- this violent fight was about Girl Scout cookies.

Alvarez could face up to twenty years in jail for this second degree felony, all over a box of cookies. Still, you can't blame Daniel for using a Wiimote to choke his girl -- after all, Reggie really loves that throttle!


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42 comments | showing # 1 to 42

ZeeJayTL's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:04
ZeeJayTL
Was it thin mints? God knows I'd choke a bitch over thin mints.
Mr Gilder's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:05
Mr Gilder
If said cookies were Samoans, I completely understand.
mix's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:05
mix
Twenty years for strangling someone and what, 20-25 for killing them?

Plus, girl guide cookies are horrible IMO.
Barcode's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:10
Barcode
His ass needs to be in for a much longer time.
CypherVR's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:14
CypherVR
"..this violent fight was about Girl Scout cookies."

--

Umm....WTF?!
Vedicardi2's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:15
Vedicardi2
lol pwnt
free touch's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:18
free touch
DON'T TOUCH MY SAMOA COOKIES BITCH!

Hahah I kid. But for real though, I've choked my wife for less.
zockroach's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:23
zockroach
I spit my cereal all over my computer screen when I read this headline.
Brando's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:23
Brando
Thin Mints FTW!
elsteveo's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:25
elsteveo
Men love cookies its a fact
Mr Wrighty 987's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:29
Mr Wrighty 987
Do u think hes was playing manhunt 2 for the Wii?
killatia's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:29
killatia
"..this violent fight was about Girl Scout cookies."

remind me to never take his cookies. EVER.
whormongr's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:35
whormongr
that's one argument for wireless controllers
Mirax's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:37
Mirax
Man, these cookies must be really good.
Demtor's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:39
Demtor
No no no, it was the peanut butter kind, gotta be. I could devour a whole box of those. In fact, I'd choke a bitch for a box right now.
NihonTiger90's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:41
NihonTiger90
They're good cookies, but come on...
kawaiiflamingo's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:42
kawaiiflamingo
friend of a friend knows this guy, apparently he's batshit crazy - this isn't the first time he's assaulted someone. there's a better story about him but...I don't think anyone would believe me.
CypherVR's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:50
CypherVR
and, these cookies are to KILL for
Holyetheline's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:51
Holyetheline
My older sister once kicked my older brother's ass because he ate her cookies. She made him bleed. I'm not even joking.
Char Aznable's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:56
Char Aznable
Like Demtor, I'm more of a peanut butter kinda guy myself. Throw them bitches in the freezer - heaven on earth.
galagabug 's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 10:59
galagabug
if it was indeed samoas, this bitch got off easy.
naia-the-gamer's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 11:06
naia-the-gamer
As a former girl scout I can attest how awesome all of the cookies are. As a kid I was very popular in January when they went up for sale.

I'd choke a bitch for the cookies too, but maybe not with a wii-mote.
mistic's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 11:09
mistic
technically it was a nun-chuck-cord since the wiimote has not wire :-)
Gyrael's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 11:22
Gyrael
What the fuck.
Timdabrat's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 11:24
Timdabrat
@ mix

Girl guide cookies are the bomb! I'll strangle you if you say otherwise again!

Thanks Jim for another facepalm worthy tale!
dgschrei's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 12:34
dgschrei
stupid people are stupid.

But one of my first thoughts when I saw that the Nunchuk would be attached to the Wiimote with a 2 feet cord, was that people would strangulate themselves.
LusciousRichard's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 12:34
LusciousRichard
In the grand tradition of the American legal system, I think it's clear what we need to do here.

We have to call for an immediate ban on all girl scout cookies. This may seem extreme, but if it saves even one girlfriend from being strangled then it will be worth it.

I hear Jack Thompson has a whole bunch of studies which show the violent tendencies that are exhibited after eating a box of these cookies.

Particularly those delicious Samoas. *Drool*
Dimly's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 12:38
Dimly
If one of use every did something like this we'd take a second after and say "Oh crap, that was terrible of me. Not only did I hurt someone but I'm going to get in serious trouble now."

That guy... he probably just has gone through life doing whatever he feels, and this just made sense to him. So hard for me to get my head around.
s0lesurviv0r's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 12:39
s0lesurviv0r
Why do my fellow texans have to be so dang crazy?
The-Excel's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 12:56
The-Excel
How do you choke a dude with a wireless phone, etc.
mix's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 13:04
mix
@Timdabrat

............................................................................................................................................

OTHERWISE!

My GF likes them but I find them disgusting, plus 2 cookies is like 50% of your daily transfat or something like that.
mourning orange's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 13:11
mourning orange
Makes me a bit embarrassed to be an Austinite.

Fuck it, I love Austin.
Trevor McGee's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 13:11
Trevor McGee
Choking a bitch, wrong? Damn you Wayne Brady! When you said it, it felt so right. *crys a little*
Ikey Heyman's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 13:41
Ikey Heyman
this made me laugh pretty hard, and...now I want thin mints.
kawaiiflamingo's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 14:15
kawaiiflamingo
Don't be ashamed Austinites, he's from Laredo.
ZServ's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 14:51
ZServ
REALLLLLLYYYYY?
elsteveo's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 15:21
elsteveo
i am waiting for my cookies to come in. Should be choking my wife soon if she tries to eat any
Analitic's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/05/2009 16:39
Analitic
its about freakin' time someone did this. But 20 years in prison spoil any theory of this becoming a serial case.

But congrats for finding something creative to do with the peripherals.
FalconReaper's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/06/2009 04:37
FalconReaper
Wow thats dumb. But I got some advice for him: Don't drop the soap, or better yet don't use soap at all
Fullcircle's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/07/2009 22:54
Fullcircle
Just stay out of the shower. The smell will keep them away from his cookies.
slapme7times's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/08/2009 09:33
slapme7times
it's going to be fun for taxpayers to spend 100,000 dollars a year for the next 20 yeras to keep him in prison.
luvmysegadc's Avatar - Comment posted on 02/08/2009 15:12
luvmysegadc
Wii games Daniel Alvarez wish he WASN'T playing in jail:

Wii Fisting
Wii Circle Jerk
Wii Vibe (good thing the remote comes with a silicon sleeve now)
Wii Chicken Choker (instead of No More Heroes)
Wii Shank
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