Man caught masturbating to Mario shaped peanut butter

12:27 PM on 04.01.2008   |   Colette Bennett

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SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH: A man was arrested today after his daughter walked in on him masturbating while gazing into a large vat of peanut butter. Much to her shock and disgust, he was muttering something about the "Mushroom Kingdom" while he pleasured himself. Eleven year old Jane Hericucker (not her real name) rushed to the phone and called the police, who arrived shortly afterward to take Mr. Hericucker to the station. The peanut butter jar (and its "donation" from Mr. Hericucker) were seized as evidence.

Jane told the police "Dad plays Mario sometimes. I don't know what he saw in the jar or what he thought he saw, but when I heard him say Mushroom Kingdom I knew it had to do with Mario. I wonder if he did the same thing after watching me playing all those times..." The girl dissolved into tears at this point and seemed unable to make any further commentary on the events. Therefore to fill in the gaps, FOXTOID will have to do what we do best, which is leap to conclusions in a single bound.

Clearly Mr. Hericucker had an unhealthy obsession with a shape inside the peanut butter jar which to him resembled Mario, a famous character popularized by Nintendo. While Mario may look like a wholesome hero, clearly there are subliminal messages hidden in the Mario games, which is probably what caused the man to commit this heinous act. Destroy anything Mario related in your home, before you find yourself or heaven forbid, your children, participating in deviant activity with common kitchen foods.