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 Jackass Lost Planet

Lost Planet is out today, first of all. Second of all, I'm only a few hours into it (for Destructoid's impression, look for a comprehensive multi-author review in a couple of weeks), and I already detest the human race.

The plot basically goes like this:

1. Humans get bored of Earth and leave.

2. Humans land on a planet made almost entirely of ice, where the temperatures are so low that any reasonable species would never set foot there in the first place.

3. The aliens who originally lived on the planet attempt to defend it from this unprovoked invasion force.

4. The humans bring in machine guns, rocket launchers, and mechs to exterminate every last one of the planet's original inhabitants.

There's a bit more after the jump, to keep the home page looking trim.

Way to go, mankind! Not only is the game stylistically identical to the movie Starship Troopers, it's thematically indistinguishable as well!

When I say that the humans got "bored" of Earth, I'm not exaggerating: the prologue states nothing about Earth dying, or getting too crowded, or anything like that. In the future, mankind just up and decides to move to an uninhabitable planet and kill every life form on it. Just for fun.

Additionally, there's the space pirates; evidently, they were left behind once the humans fled the new planet (to rearm), and they've decided to exact their revenge by killing pretty much anything they see (assuming they can hit it, anyway). The presence of the space pirates shows mankind's inhumanity not only to the bugs, but to mankind, as well -- what kind of race leaves a fraction of their brothers on a freezing alien planet while everybody else goes to find more guns? Having to kill these space pirates as the main character should make you feel very, very dirty. 

So feel free to play and enjoy it, but know this: in doing so, you are supporting a human race whose overall goals are nigh-indistinguishable from those of the Nazis so many years ago. Assuming you replace Jews with bugs, anyway.

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41 comments | showing # 1 to 41
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Hurricanemario's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 14:45
Hurricanemario
"We fled to find a sanctuary"- it was not unprovoked. I know, because th commercial just came on.

YOU FAIL.
TheBrain's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 14:48
TheBrain
Yeah, that's kind of lame of us. Not surprising though.
Namelessted's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 14:48
Namelessted
Comparing it to the Nazis and killing Jews is a bit far fetched. Honestly. The German's didn't come into Germany from a different country and decide to kill all the Jews living there. I am not defending what the Nazi's did in any way but there are different motivations. You are also putting an alien monstrous race on the same level and the Jews. The Jews are humans, the alien race isn't being presented as human like. They seem to be presented more as animals and we have been cruel to animals and used them purely to our benefit for thousands of years.
Kif 's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 14:49
Kif
Dammit, I loved the demos they released on Live. They are beautiful, everything looks very real and the action is non-stop and a complete gangbang on your character.

You telling me that was all out of boredom? How the hell will I enjoy this game now?!
Toneman's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 14:54
Toneman
Uh, you know you can taunt people by slapping your ass in that game right? That gives it a 10/10 right there.
Cruds's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 14:54
Cruds
So it's better than Zelda?
Rockvillian's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 14:55
Rockvillian
hahaha nice avatar Kif

"eva... auf wiedersehen...." <splooork> ahhh Wolf3d.
mistofRed's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 14:56
mistofRed
Just like what Agent Smith said "Humans are like a virus".
Cruds's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 14:58
Cruds
The German's didn't come into Germany from a different country and decide to kill all the Jews living there

Why would they invade there own country? They did come into the Netherlands and decided to kill all the Jews living there. Ever heard of Anne Frank? They invaded almost any country they could get there hands on.
broham's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 15:04
broham
I fucking hate humans. Any species that would name an ice cream "Dreyers" and "Breyers" needs to be fucking killed off. I mean, what the hell? That's like having a car named "Cadillac" and another one named "Badillac." Pisses me off man. GO MUTANTS!!
Snaileb 's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 15:05
Snaileb
Well I won a copy, so I guess I'll just have to suffer. =)
Aaron Mxy Yost's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 15:08
Aaron Mxy Yost
Yeah, but on the upside humanity did invent cool grappling gun things.
rasput1n's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 15:12
rasput1n
Already beat the game. The end makes humans look worst!
Toneman's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 15:12
Toneman
And explosive frisbees.
deadpixel's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 15:15
deadpixel
So this is kind of a first in games, at least in recent memory, but you get to play as the bad guy (not like the crappy Goldeneye: Rouge Agent). Funny how it was probably unintentional.
CaffeinePowered's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 15:30
CaffeinePowered
Finally, a space game where you kill aliens and WE get to be the aggressor? Sweet, Im sick of seeing earth get owned in games like Halo, its time we conquered something
Monte's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 15:44
Monte
Zapp: It's a desolate, ugly little planet with absolutely no natural resources or strategic value. Questions?
Soldier: Why is this Godforsaken planet worth dying for?
Zapp: Don't ask me, you're the one who's going to be dying.
thisissami's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 16:04
thisissami
do you guys who are talking about the germans realize that most of the nazis were held at gunpoint and told to join the german army? many said no and were killed on the spot... it's not like the majority of the nazis were proud of what they were doing or even wanted to do it in the first place... if they didn't they would have been killed...
Knivy's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 16:05
Knivy
This justs makes me want the game more.
SunTzu's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 16:15
SunTzu
The bug's were an underevolved species, stop thinking confusing murder with "Mercy Killings." In this game, the bigger your gun, the more kindness you can show to these poor indiginous mistakes.
SunTzu's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 16:16
SunTzu
"...stop thinking confusing murder with..."

Oh man, I need to take a nap...
BluDesign's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 16:23
BluDesign
Yeah, I kinda wondered about that from the demo as none of the creatures you fight in that cave in the demo seem overly agressive towards you. They only really ever strafe you, which is something anything defending itself from aggressors would do.

Last time I checked GTA didn't have you out on the streets "making a difference" or helping a little old lady fix her roof.

And Scarface? You're a incestuous coke-head out for revenge.

Are we going to start attaching personal emotional baggage to playing video games now?

I refuse to play Big Bumpin' till the Subservient Chicken is made into the Amicably Agreeable to Contracted Terms Chicken.

zwanster's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 16:37
zwanster
Its a pretty fun game though :D
ArrestedDeveloper's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 16:40
ArrestedDeveloper
I've only played the demo and watched the trailers on xbox live but I'm pretty sure they show the earth decaying and showing it turn all nasty green, that would seem like a good reason to leave.
ShinAmano's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 16:44
ShinAmano
"Uh, you know you can taunt people by slapping your ass in that game right? That gives it a 10/10 right there."

Seriously? GOTY?

"Finally, a space game where you kill aliens and WE get to be the aggressor? Sweet, Im sick of seeing earth get owned in games like Halo, its time we conquered something"

True that...anyhow I can't wait to pick up my copy...after seeing the sweet looking collectors edition I am opting for that one :)
Goei's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 16:44
Goei
Humans are dicks.
ManSpirit's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 17:18
ManSpirit
It's the human species right to spread the ManSpirit.
Matthew Mac's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 17:26
Matthew Mac
Manifest destiny?
Lezbro's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 17:40
Lezbro
*cough*iraq*cough*
michiyoyoshiku's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 17:50
michiyoyoshiku
Person above me liberal asshole

that said I want a game where we just slaughter apes not a planet of the apes game just a game with Ape Genocide.

I won't buy lost planet either.
Aetsen's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 17:54
Aetsen
WTF Rev? Would you question the morality of Grand Theft Auto? It's just a friggin' game.
heix's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 18:08
heix
Yeah... I agree many games now a day try to be as inhumane as posible to get the peoples attention, and with promises of making them feel a unique experience. Thats a big yes to GTA and Lost Planet.I have GTA, and I feel ashamed. We only see the vices not the virtues of mankind.
waynethepain's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 18:18
waynethepain
Who cares, I just wanna blow shit up.
ArrestedDeveloper's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 18:29
ArrestedDeveloper
@Matthew Mac
Manifest Destiney FTW. It's our God Given right to conquer all we see
Dyson's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 21:27
Dyson
SPOILER: That icy planet you're on is Earth. :)
bleep's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 21:35
bleep
Is there any way to mate with the ice aliens? Humans could create a hybrid breed and then everything would be all good right?
sirmoosh's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 21:38
sirmoosh
Why don't they just melt the planet and see how well those damn pirates do then. Not like any earth peoples want to live on a spherical ice (cube?).
Lezbro's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/13/2007 02:30
Lezbro
>> Person above me liberal asshole

What you do in the privacy of your home is your business.
Kinjiro's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/13/2007 10:54
Kinjiro
Has anybody noticed that all of hurricanemario's posts are flames or insults?
dprime's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/13/2007 19:05
dprime
So? As fiction has proved time and time again, they'd do the same to us.

You guys should really delete/kick people who give spoilers. I've been anticipating this game and just had the ending ruined for me.

But I guess putting a smiley beside your comment makes it okay to be an ass.
dprime's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/13/2007 22:56
dprime
Namelessted, not only does what you say not make sense, you contradict yourself multiple times.
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