hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts

Katamari Damacy: The ultimate murder simulator?

7:08 PM on 05.18.2008 // The GHost

[Editor's note: I lol'ed. -- CTZ

Horrifying. Malicious. Vile. An accurate representation of the real world. TERRORIST TRAINING TOOL.

These are just a few of the words that come to mind when thinking of the worlds most dangerous murder simulators, a series of "games" that were clearly not so much made by a developer as they were crafted by the combination of madness and pure hatred of a greater daemon from the darkest, most evil reaches of space and time.
Don't let the colorful exterior fool you into thinking that these "games" are anything but the most devious torture simulations and terrorist training tools ever devised by anyone who has ever devised anything. These "games" start innocently enough; just pick up things like tacks and erasers to create a larger "Katamari" (a word that I'm sure actually means "Ancient Evil Engine Of Doom"), and you might even be tricked into thinking that these "games" merely simulate the wholesome act of cleaning ones domain, but soon enough things take a turn for the EVILER. Read more after the jump.

Once the murder simulator has effectively trained you to use your "Katamari" to selfishly horde small inanimate objects, you begin to pick up small animals; animals that have done nothing to you and wish only to exist in peace. However, once you have begun to walk the path of darkness there is little you can do but to lose yourself in the madness and hate for all living things that these murder simulators exude at every turn.

Once you've been trained to ignore the screams of small animals as you "roll them up" (a thinly veiled drug and beastiality reference) the murder simulator becomes even more murdering and simulatory by allowing you to finally feed the ancient evil Gods that you no doubt will be worshiping at this point, by giving you a "Katamari" large enough to pick up HUMAN BEINGS.

Not content to just pick up humans, the first target of your rampage are mere CHILDREN, simply because they are the least resistant to your rolling ball of death and destruction. Their screams echoing out across the landscape as one-by-one you harvest their bodies to further fuel your vile campaign of murder.

Eventually your "Katamari" grows to such a size that you begin to roll up entire buildings, the screaming occupants of which are left to tumble around endlessly, no doubt receiving wounds the likes of which make them envy those that are already dead. Not content to stop there, the murder (or should I say apocalypse?) simulator then has you consume entire landmasses and continents, leaving nothing but a terrible and final silence in your wake.

And what fate befalls those that survive being rolled up? Their reward is to be ejected into space like so much human detritus, becoming another celestial body made of pain and suffering, that will no doubt house an ancient God that will erect a kingdom of blood and bone, fueled by malice and terror.

Who would demand such mindless chaos and destruction?


That's right, the one that sends you on your terrible quest is none other than your father, possibly Satan himself poorly disguised as a human, claiming to be "The King Of All Cosmos".

What does this make you? Your father is Satan, and you are constantly referred to as the "prince". This means that you must be...


I rest my case with a simple plea:


Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go draw some conclusions from Viva Pinata regarding its use as a tool for spreading communist propaganda.

Random quote ... EXECUTE!

"The typical mass murderer is extraordinarily ordinary."

~James Alan Fox

Photo Gallery: (5 images)
Click to zoom - browse by swipe, or use arrow keys

The GHost,
 Follow Blog + disclosure

This blog submitted to our editor via our Community Blogs, and then it made it to the home page! You can follow community members and vote up their blogs - support each other so we can promote a more diverse and deep content mix on our home page.

 Setup email comments

Unsavory comments? Please report harassment, spam, and hate speech to our community fisters, and flag the user (we will ban users dishing bad karma). Can't see comments? Apps like Avast or browser extensions can cause it. You can fix it by adding * to your whitelists.

Status updates from C-bloggers

ChrisHannard avatarChrisHannard
Glory to The Many. The Many sings to us.
RadicalYoseph avatarRadicalYoseph
Daily VGM #22 (Witcher 2) - Pam Pa Ram (The Witcher 3) [youtube][/youtube] Instant classic 10/10. It's a travesty it wasn't included in the soundtrack. Maybe CDPR is preparing for a special second disc release? I sure hope
Oh, look at that, the rough draft I choose not to delete of this paper I need to do! I can keep adding to that instead of starting over and getting frustrated and quitting. What a novel concept!
Jiraya avatarJiraya
Boys & Girls Whatcha doing ? Have you watched Shimoneta ? GO SEE IT [img][/img]
OverlordZetta avatarOverlordZetta
And speaking of Yo-Kai Watch, it sounds like the demo's out!
El Dango avatarEl Dango
Hello, Thomas. I see you're looking at our fine selection of quickposts. Do they please you?
OrochiLeona avatarOrochiLeona
Overwatch Beta livestreaming Thursday. All aboard the AWESOME train. CHOO! CHOO!
PSISomething avatarPSISomething
EXTREMELY SPOOPY TRAILER [youtube][/youtube]
OverlordZetta avatarOverlordZetta
I'm coming to realize my time off from blogging has made the progress I made at being succinct fade away into nothingness, as the world will see in about an hour. I also made Valkyrie Drive's boobs even more boring at Japanator last night! Somehow.
Apparently, Kero Blaster got an update... Neat.
Barry Kelly avatarBarry Kelly
[url=""]Deus Ex: Revision is now a thing that's on Steam for free [img][/img][/url]
Mike Martin avatarMike Martin
Wasteland 2 DC is out!
Torchman avatarTorchman
Just a reminder: If you game doesn't have a dancing murderer, or a dancing little girl, your not a GOTY contender.
Rudorlf avatarRudorlf
Season 2 of Fargo is out, and of course Fargo isn't Fargo without dumbass criminals, tragedy and black comedy mixed into one package. BTW, the Organic Mechanic is in this season.
PSISomething avatarPSISomething
Nintendo of America released a YouTube video promo for Fatal Frame 5. They used the 'word' "spoopy."
Pixie The Fairy avatarPixie The Fairy
Had the brilliant idea of watching the original Alien last night before bed. Totally didn't have crazy dreams afterward. Also, Bilbo Baggins was a total jerk in that movie. [img][/img]
gajknight avatargajknight
Sure Niero's all powerful, but does he have lips? Woah...
ShadeOfLight avatarShadeOfLight
Finished playing the fan localization for Ace Investigations 2. These guys did a fantastic job, despite this game having the single most convoluted plot in the entire series. Here's hoping that somehow, someday, Great Ace Attorney will get this treatment.
Jiraya avatarJiraya
Okay internet you done it... Playboy will not get nude girls anymore , too much competition. [img][/img]
more quickposts



Invert site colors

  Dark Theme
  Light Theme

Destructoid means family.
Living the dream, since 2006

Pssst. konami code + enter

modernmethod logo

Back to Top

We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -