Note: iOS 9 + Facebook users w/ trouble scrolling: #super sorry# we hope to fix it asap. In the meantime Chrome Mobile is a reach around
hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts

Karnov for President in '08!

11:01 PM on 02.19.2007 // Aaron Linde

We live in trying times in virtually every respect, and now we find ourselves ass-deep in one of the fiercest political quagmires the country has ever seen. Edging closer and closer to election year, our bipartisan political system presents us with a number of would-be candidates, prepped and ready for their shot at the big chair, and every one of them scares the crap out of me in one way or another.

America needs a new brand of leadership, one not offered by any of the hopefuls currently on our plate. We need a candidate that can pull a ladder from nowhere and climb anywhere he needs to go. Perhaps most of all, we need someone who can belch forth a volley of fire at a moment's notice.

We need Karnov.

Karnov is a new candidate for a new generation; he is a candidate that believes in the power and potential of the individual. Karnov believes in a free market alongside a strong sense of social justice, and a world where jump boots and K icons are scattered freely amongst the populace. Karnov supports the State of Israel so long as they discontinue their military's use of Wizards, Three-Headed Dragons and Wingéd Daemons -- entities that Karnov has been firmly against since his early political career. Karnov is a devout fire-breather and believes in a reunification of fire-breathing organizations and government. Karnov is pro-manboobs.

The elderly have a friend in Karnov. Where other candidates seem resolute in disallowing the elderly and infirm the freedom to travel where and when they want, Karnov supports a comprehensive Magic Ladder distribution plan, in which every Medicare-eligible adult will receive free Magic Ladder coverage. These ladders will allow the elderly access to the immediate ascent that wealthier Americans enjoy at no out-of-pocket expense and without raising taxes.

"Without raising taxes?!", you cry. "Impossible!" You might be right, but consider our candidate: Karnov, an ex-strongman from the circus, built an amazing fortune fighting for treasure against djinns and skeleton warriors -- a fortune he now wishes to share with the American public. Karnov's endless wealth will be used to finance the aformentioned Magic Ladder benefits package as well as fire-breathing schools around the country. What other candidate can offer America such a refreshing change?

Did I mention that Karnov supports manboobs?

You might be asking yourself, "Hey, Karnov's Russian-born! How can he be elected President if he wasn't born in this country?" While this is a patriotic question indeed, it rests upon the presumption that the Constitution should not be questioned; Karnov, however, disagrees. What good is a Constitution that causes so much dischord in this great nation of ours? With your support, Karnov can blow a mighty wave of hellfire at our most sacred living document and singe away its unnecessary or otherwise redundant content and leave behind only what matters. Take that, Founding Fathers -- Karnov has cleaned up your mess!

Because he believes in the American spirit of travel, Karnov seeks to install saunas in all Department of Transportation-maintained rest stops along America's highways. And worry not about the safety and security of our borders, John P. Motorist: Karnov will bring the war on terror to the front doors of evildoers around the world and, given enough red orbs, can fire up to three fireballs at once. That's defense we can trust. Karnov offers national security we can count on.

Karnov knows how important nutrition is for our nation's youth. That's why Karnov seeks to expand the breakfast and lunch programs at public schools throughout the nation with what he refers to as the "Eat Like Hearty Bear" meal plan -- a meal consisting of stroganoff, boiled potatoes, and vodka. For those children who have a less than able constitution, strawberry- or citrus-flavored vodka can be substituted. Federal funding will be available for these meal plans with the exception of the vodka, which Karnov himself will sweat into bottles and distribute directly to school districts.

Let us greet the new century not with a handshake, but a hearty head-butt -- let us elect Karnov as our president in 2008.

 



Aaron Linde,
 Follow Blog + disclosure

This blog submitted to our editor via our Community Blogs, and then it made it to the home page! You can follow community members and vote up their blogs - support each other so we can promote a more diverse and deep content mix on our home page.





 Setup email comments

Unsavory comments? Please report harassment, spam, and hate speech to our community fisters, and flag the user (we will ban users dishing bad karma). Can't see comments? Apps like Avast or browser extensions can cause it. You can fix it by adding *.disqus.com to your whitelists.

 Quickposts
Status updates from C-bloggers

OrochiLeona avatarOrochiLeona
OK you Streetfighting motherfuckers, Heres the scoop on which PS3 sticks/pads will work with the PS4 version of SFV, courtesy of the inventors of said tech, the marvellous people of Lab Zero http://skullgirls.com/2015/05/lab-zero-ps3-fight-stick-technolo
Solar Pony Django avatarSolar Pony Django
Waits for payment to go through so he can stream Bayonetta on Wii U this weekend. Any day now... Any day.
Alessa Leng avatarAlessa Leng
Been watching from the shadows for some time now. Time to Join in! Trying to finish Bravely Default in time to play Bravely Second... What are the games you're excited about for 2016?(even if it's just something u dream of...)
KnickKnackMyWack avatarKnickKnackMyWack
Been watching this show on hulu I feel like it would make for a kickass Platinum Game. Imagine playing through mostly as the supporting cast and beating the game on hard gives you Saitama for God Mode.
Mike Martin avatarMike Martin
Just saw Torchman's waifu... damn brah. Talk about shit...
Sir Shenanigans avatarSir Shenanigans
GUYS OLAF ISNT A MAN HES LITERALLY A FUCKING BEAR
Inquisitive Ravenclaw avatarInquisitive Ravenclaw
In only 5 days, the most romantic Holiday of the year will be upon us...
Larxinostic avatarLarxinostic
So, the notion kept hounding me that the new Pokemon, Magiana, had existed long before its recent unveiling... Then it hit me. [img]http://i.imgur.com/UhFmf63.png[/img]
Torchman avatarTorchman
Oh look, a picture of all your waifus in the place where they belong!
SeymourDuncan17 avatarSeymourDuncan17
#NekroGoals
Pixie The Fairy avatarPixie The Fairy
Impressions of job so far: I can indeed play Monster Hunter 4 since I'm a passenger. It's three hours to Charleston, SC, so arguments against that are irrelevant. The chicken bowl at Bojangles is also nice.
LinkSlayer64 avatarLinkSlayer64
*insert ojuo-sama laughter here* [img]http://i.imgur.com/FrdGhgr.jpg[/img]
Torchman avatarTorchman
Found a picture of Gaj and Larx's waifus. Clearly meant for each other.
MeeGhoulz avatarMeeGhoulz
SOTANAHT's post makes me wonder:what game franchise(not necessarily nintendo) you would strive to complete the whole cast of "amiibos"?Mine would be RE,ashamed as I am to throw money at CAPCOM...
Occams avatarOccams
I'm craving new sounds. Anyone have any suggestions of music I need to put into my head and heart?
OverlordZetta avatarOverlordZetta
YOU GET A DOUBLE, AND YOU GET A DOUBLE! EVERYONE GETS A DOUBLE! But no one gets a Skull...
Donald J Trump avatarDonald J Trump
When I said "I'd bring back a hell of a lot worse than waterboarding," I meant that I would force anyone under interrogation to play Big Rigs for extended periods. That'll be sure to break them.
Sotanaht avatarSotanaht
Dammit Fangamer, are you TRYING to break me?!
Nathan D avatarNathan D
When I think of gajknight.
SpaghettiOReilly avatarSpaghettiOReilly
I'm actually pretty bummed out about Game Trailers closing up shop. I hadn't visited in years but I still remember the good old days of having to wait for low-res versions of AVGN episodes to load. You'll be missed, all.
more quickposts


Contest!


Seriously

Invert site colors

  Dark Theme
  Light Theme


Destructoid means family.
Living the dream, since 2006

Pssst. konami code + enter

modernmethod logo



Back to Top


We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -