As I was playing Hotel Dusk the other day, I was thinking that Kyle Hyde is a bit of a dick. Not bad enough to actually annoy you, but enough for you to notice he could probably use an enema. It set off a conversation between myself and Aaron Linde about all the characters we've met over our illustrious gaming careers that we love to hate. I know everybody has them, so I want to hear about it in the comments. In the meantime, here are the bitches that have garnered our rage.
Colette's Top 5 of 2007:
1. King of all Cosmos / Katamari Damacy
My, Earth is really full of things! We have thought about it, and in fact, I think we are a bit of a self important douchebag. What we can't imagine is, why anyone would ever be offended by our self important tone, our homoerotic rainbow neckbolster, or our large sculpted package prominently displayed for all the world to see. Truly, we mean well. It's just that nothing pleases us more than flogging our children while we lounge around and eat pie. Don't hold it against us, really. It's what we were born to do, you see.
2. Tom Nook / Animal Crossing
If raccoons were like this in real life, I'd run over all of them with my car. The moment I entered Animal Crossing and therefore into his employ, Nook had my future planned out as if the abolition of slavery had never taken place. Every time I thought I had my debt paid off, there was scheming Tom Nook, ever so politely suggesting that I could have another loan. Nook is a businessman to the end, which in my mind is a good enough reason to set him on fire.
3. Soda Popinski/Mike Tyson's Punch Out
DIE. DIE. DIE. My hatred for this character is actually infinite. Sure, I'll fight a Russian 5 times my size whose blood is coursing with the power of hard alcohol. Why not? You're getting your ass pummeled and laughing uproariously as you lie on the ground in a puddle of your own urine. Don't even get me started on the laugh. I hear it echoing through my dreams sometimes (usually in correlation with the dream where I'm unexpectedly naked in front of a large group of people). This guy is the stuff that phobias are made of.
4. Cloud Strife /FF7
I will never understand how a guy with no mouth became one of the most enduring heroes of all time. Emo kids, look no further, because Cloud is your poster boy. Smartass attitude, treats other people like crap, yet somehow you're supposed to sympathize with him because he had a hard childhood. You know what, guy? Everyone's life sucks at some point or another. You don't see us going around thefting other people's identities to ease our bleeding hearts. Add on top of this that he somehow managed to ignore that Tifa (one of the greatest sets of tits of all time) wanted his junk and he brushed her off like an annoying gnat. Hero, my ass.
5. Cactaur /FF7
The problem with this motherf*cker is the element of surprise. Oh look, it's a cactus with a curly mustache in a ridiculous position! You keep laughing until he shoots 1,000 needles directly into your unsuspecting ass and leaves you bleeding, helpless and raped. If he showed any emotion, maybe it would somehow be less awful. Instead you just get the surprised blowjob face (I believe this is the proper expression for bukkake). Beating this shitbag actually got me closer to an orgasm than my last few boyfriends. Oh snap!
1. Ashley / RE4
2. Raiden / MGS2
5. The Reaper / Kid Icarus