We're dedicated to bringing you only the most relevant and hard-hitting weekend news, which is why we bring you grave word that Soul Calibur IV's Ivy might show a little less of her fat wobbly tits in the American version of the game than in the Japanese version -- JOURNALISM! The above image is a comparison shot, with the breasticle-laden Ivy on the left as she appears on the Japanese SC IV Web site, and the more modest Ivy on the right as she appears on the American site.

As someone who keeps abreast of these matters, I want to know what incompetent boob decided this. If mammary serves me correctly, this game has always been about the bare skin, so someone ought to nip it in the bud.

Namco Bandai, hear this! I demand that Ivy's lactoids be on display for all to see. We've already lost the fatalities in Mortal Kombat; we refuse to surrender our snuggle pups, loblollies and twangers. We deserve the sweater meat as much as any Japanese gamer. So help me God, I will destroy you if this is not resolved. Bops, tomatoes, chimichongas and kazongas.

Okay, I'm done.