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Jack Thompson DESTROYS BioShock ... oh wait ... no he doesn't

11:16 AM on 08.19.2007, Jim Sterling 101 comments

Jack Thompson DESTROYS BioShock ... oh wait ... no he doesn't photo
     Utterly pathetic

Last week, Jack Thompson promised "big trouble" for the eagerly awaited BioShock. While I felt dirty that such a beautiful game was being uttered from the filthy mouth of the silver haired panty-buncher, I patiently waited for this trouble, wondering what it was that Jumpin' Jack Twat had up his sleeve. Now the time has come and BioShock's ultimate doom has been decided ...

Jack Thompson ... WROTE AN ANGRY LITTLE LETTER! OH NO!

For some undisclosed reason, Jack Thompson was watching World Wrestling Entertainment's Smackdown and spotted the classy BioShock commercial that's been airing. Sensing some straws to clutch at, Darth Thompson has written one of his classic little love notes to Take-Two, whining about how people under 17 like wrestling, so this means BioShock and all its terrible violence is being marketed to them. Jacky baby, take it from me, this is one of the most desperate things you've ever done in your quest for relevance. Ever.

Hit the jump for more, including Jack's latest rant in full.

[Thanks to TheGoldenDonut]

Take-Two… is aggressively marketing its newest Mature-rated video game to kids under 17 years of age… On this Friday’s night’s 8 pm Eastern time airing of WWE’s wrestling program “Smackdown,” there were repeated ads for Take-Two/Rockstar Game’s Mature-rated, incredibly violent BioShock…

A check of the demographics of the audience of that program reveals that teens under 17 years of age watch that program in huge numbers…

Remarkably, the video game industry is running ads for games like BioShock on teen-intensive television programs while at the same time its industry-captured “watchdog,” the ESRB, is running a self-congratulatory ad campaign to assure parents that the video game ratings system is working and that the industry can be trusted not to target their kids with these Mature-rated games.  It is all a lie, as the BioShock ads prove.

This rampant fraudulent trade practice is precisely what “Big Tobacco” did with its “Joe Camel” and other teen-targeting ads, while at the same time lying to Congress that it was not marketing its adult product to kids.

Even when watching half naked men wrestling around on a canvas mat, Jack Thompson can't stop himself from thinking about children. On a 'serious' note, this newest spectacle has clearly shown that there is no low he won't sink to in order to get his attention. It's attention I'll gladly give him as well, because he's free comedy at this point and there is no greater entertainment than watching a bitter old man make a complete fool of himself. Thompson feels a little less insecure about his lack of significance, the videogames get more exposure and we get to laugh. Everybody wins!

The game in question, on its way to becoming the most critically acclaimed interactive masterpiece of all time, is being released on Tuesday and there is nothing he can do about it. It will be played, it will be loved, and children WILL experience it ... but not because Take-Two sold it to them. Of course, we all know that, but we'll be too busy having fun to stomp our feet and whine about something so pointless. That's the job of this old wanker. Also, when did showing a TV spot classify as aggression? Thompson, you are utterly pathetic.

Now who's Jack's favorite wrestler? I think it's Randy Orton, since they both look like they've done some terrible things with dates and a glass of wine.


Next page: More Bioshock stories




UnnDunn's Avatar
UnnDunn at 08/19/2007 11:20
Jack Thompson is still alive? Coulda fooled me.

Anyway, I think it's getting to the point where Jack Thompson is just a part of the landscape; he doesn't make nearly as much noise as he used to.

But he's still an irritating twatface.
tazarthayoot's Avatar
tazarthayoot at 08/19/2007 11:22
It's definitely Orton. Both of them shit in gymbags.
madmatt's Avatar
madmatt at 08/19/2007 11:22
I'm with savage; he watches wrestling? I always figured him as a little league baseball guy.
Professor Pew's Avatar
Professor Pew at 08/19/2007 11:24
Poke of War disapproves of Jack Thompson

Orionsaint's Avatar
Orionsaint at 08/19/2007 11:27
Jack needs to be sent to Rapture
Joe Burling's Avatar
Joe Burling at 08/19/2007 11:28
He's an idiot. It's not airing during Saturday morning cartoons... this is wrestling (a violent show at that).

Jack, if you are reading this comment, I want to let you know that you are LOSING this war, man. No one takes you seriously. Even the Florida Bar is against you. Judges are against you. You went too far and got too weird, and now you just ramble and spin your tires while we laugh at you. We all laugh at you. I sent your wikipedia page to my parents (who are very conservative) and THEY laughed at you. You are a joke. You are a nothing. The more you talk about video games, the more publicity you give them. Send me an email at tips@destructoid.com if you have a comment. You tool.

Origim's Avatar
Origim at 08/19/2007 11:29
I'll guarntee you he was watching Smackdown to bitch about something to do with that and the ad came along. The WWE is probably happy Bioshock is distracting the old fart
Kif 's Avatar
Kif at 08/19/2007 11:30
Jack has to watch WWE since it's the least violent wrestling ever made ever. Anyway, who did he write this angry letter to anyway?
Jim Sterling's Avatar
Jim Sterling at 08/19/2007 11:33
Kif:

Probably himself. It's the only human correspondence he receives.
Heliophage's Avatar
Heliophage at 08/19/2007 11:35
Take-Two? Rockstar?

Is he even paying attention anymore?

Has he ever been paying attention?
Lethal Dosage's Avatar
Lethal Dosage at 08/19/2007 11:37
For the record, the owner of the shit-filled gym bag totally deserved it. She sucks. In the bad way. Randy Orton is my hero for performing such awesomeness.

Just wait till Jack gets his hands on the full game, and realizes that you're essentially required to kill a "child" repeatedly in order to collect ADAM.

He'll have a fucking field day with that one.
Cyberxion's Avatar
Cyberxion at 08/19/2007 11:39
So he doesn't have any problem with under-age children watching sweaty men beat one another half to death? I mean, wouldn't that be a problem too? I know that it's all fake, much like video games, but it's still violence just the same. Why is it that he didn't latch on to that?

He's terribly inconsistent.
Heliophage's Avatar
Heliophage at 08/19/2007 11:39
@myself

That's supposed to be "Take-Two/Rockstar?"
Kif 's Avatar
Kif at 08/19/2007 11:39
I wonder if he wrote a reply to himself praising the letter and giving him a gold star too.
Virtualgirl's Avatar
Virtualgirl at 08/19/2007 11:41
Take-two should make a bad guy who looks just enough like JT to not get sued...I bet a bunch of gamers would get a kick out of that...LOL
Doomtrain's Avatar
Doomtrain at 08/19/2007 11:41
On a totally unrelated note, does anyone have that cartoon-y rendition of a Big Daddy that says "Mr. Bubbles" on it. I'm trying to find it so I can make a "Mr. Bubbles is my homeboy" shirt.
ZeeJayTL's Avatar
ZeeJayTL at 08/19/2007 11:42
wait...people still watch wrestling? I think Jack just wants to be a wrestler.
shadowlike's Avatar
shadowlike at 08/19/2007 11:45
and here i was thinking he was gonna bitch about the blood drinking little sister being punched in the demo, but he instead chooses something that pathetic.

not that i have a problem with the little sisters, they have a purpose in the game and actually add something to it.
Jim Sterling's Avatar
Jim Sterling at 08/19/2007 11:48
shadowlike:

The BBFC and ESRB have already rated the game, he can't do much to rally against the content, especially now the killing of the girls has been toned down. Thompson shouldn't have slept so late on this one.
Kif 's Avatar
Kif at 08/19/2007 11:50
I had a dream last night that someone made a Destructoid game based on Emogame, and Jack Thompson was the main boss. I realize it's kinda sad to dream about a website, but Dtoid rocks that much.

It also made me want to play Emogame more.
Magesx's Avatar
Magesx at 08/19/2007 11:50
Guys, ignore the troll, please.
Velt's Avatar
Velt at 08/19/2007 11:52
Oh humanity...
I would pay more than a bioshock copy costs to see a big daddy dealing with jack thompson.
Kif 's Avatar
Kif at 08/19/2007 11:53
If JT is a troll, he's the worst troll ever. Worse than those trolls with the long hair
Lethal Dosage's Avatar
Lethal Dosage at 08/19/2007 11:57
@ VG:

I have faith that Running With Scissors will find a way to put Jack Thompson in Postal 3.

And, if not them, certainly the modding community will come up with an...interesting mod.
Doomtrain's Avatar
Doomtrain at 08/19/2007 12:04
Why the hell isn't Destructoid "BigDaddytoid"?

It would be win.
xBBx's Avatar
xBBx at 08/19/2007 12:08
If you happen to watch the Cartoon Network or any show that's geared towards kids, I think all of the food products that are laced with sugar, glucose and other nasty shit is having more of a terrible impact on kids today than videogames. At this point, the US is the most obese nation in the world and it's having a REAL negative influence on our day to day lives.

Why doesn't Jack Thompson talk about that and try to help all of us lead healthy lives instead of making up these false "facts" to stop violent video games from being produced. We'll all die of heart attacks before we can even play these games. That's kind of ironic too since we all know Jacky boy has been having some recent heart problems.
shadowcast's Avatar
shadowcast at 08/19/2007 12:12
Oh noes a Jack Attack.... what ever can Take Two do oh yeah that's right roll in money. Seriously though this guy is a bloody idiot... I mean he watches WWE, for the love of the sweet baby Jebus.

Note to Jack Thompson: NO ONE CARES!
Rosseh's Avatar
Rosseh at 08/19/2007 12:16
Yeh, the games ratings system is working so awesomely well. That's why I can't play a game of Gears of War without a 10 year old shouting in my ear.
DannyBoy's Avatar
DannyBoy at 08/19/2007 12:21
@ Kif:

I think the GamePolitics article said this was an FTC complaint.

I'm not lolling nearly as much as when the man threatened Wendy's with a lawsuit if they didn't pull their Wii happy meal toys, but this is pretty pathetic. I can't wait till this man gets disbarred.
Tino's Avatar
Tino at 08/19/2007 12:27
Every time Jack Thompson is mentioned I die a little on the outside.

I think we need to do a "Gamer Eye for the Tight-Assed Politician" style intervention.

Personally I think we should give him a video game review TV show and put it on E! Imagine the entertainment! Nobody in their right mind would take him seriously so everyone at Dtoid could just sit around a fire and watch this half hour program nightly and crack jokes about how hes drawing assumptions about games hes never played.
aupton's Avatar
aupton at 08/19/2007 12:34
Jack Thompson, from the bottom of my heart. Please die, perish, hang, and by any and all means, DROP THE FUCK DEAD you worthless left over fuck hole used by 8 foot tall prison inmates. In case you read this and didn't catch my drift, I personally wish endless hours of pain and suffering upon your disruptive media whoring ass.

Have a nice day :)
Spilt Milk's Avatar
Spilt Milk at 08/19/2007 12:39
I thought he was disbarred and locked up in a asylum?
twincannon's Avatar
twincannon at 08/19/2007 12:47
lol @ Rockstar. Time to run over a big daddy with a taxi. Well, vice versa, probably.
Little Burro's Avatar
Little Burro at 08/19/2007 12:54
Why are there people on this earth that feel the need to control so many lives.First kids cant even look at ads for games.What next?"Oh no Billy a Gamestop!Close your eyes!Plug your ears!If you dont Jack The Ripper Thompson will get us!!"
Jack Thompson=Right Wing Nutjob Controlfreak
Gamers=Regular people of all ages.I am 13 and plan to get Bioshock the day it comes out and play it to my hearts desire.
Neonie's Avatar
Neonie at 08/19/2007 13:01
I can hounestly not think of anyway to insult Jack Thompson. The man dose it BY HIM SELF. He is a liveing, walking breathing joke.

As anyone who saw Nireos video of his hearing will tell you, I fucking lol'd when he held up that sign "Can I just hold this up please?"
MaximusPaynicus's Avatar
MaximusPaynicus at 08/19/2007 13:16
"Aggressively"? I've seen two commercials. Ever. I saw the one on Smackdown, and I saw the other during a 4am rerun of Attack of the Show. Unless Take-Two is marketing towards insomniacs and/or stoners, I doubt there is anything "aggressive" about anything regarding BioShock.

As far as children playing BioShock... only if irresponsible parents let them. If you see the "M" on the box, don't buy it for your nine year-old. Simple as that. However, in the case of BioShock, I doubt kids are going to be stabbing each other with giant drill bits attached to their hands.

Thompson has proven time and again that he fails, in every aspect of life. I almost feel bad for him. I almost think he's become a victim of his own paranoia, but the more I read and hear about him, the more I realize that he's just a fucking douche.
NinjaX's Avatar
NinjaX at 08/19/2007 13:18
Bah. I hope Jacko faces a pissed off Big Daddy. That would be a fitting end.
The Incredible Edible Egg's Avatar
The Incredible Edible Egg at 08/19/2007 13:29
Yes, I would like some digital fake violence with my real fake violence. Thank you!
The Last Noypi's Avatar
The Last Noypi at 08/19/2007 13:30
"Yes!! With Bioshock I can create an underwater utopia, where I can kill creepy little girls. I can finally inject ,yself w/ chemicals so that fire and electricity can come out of my hand."

"I can finally RULE THE WORLD!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"

*turns on the 360*
*3 red lights appear*

"DAMN YOU MICROSOFT!!!"
tom90deg's Avatar
tom90deg at 08/19/2007 13:42
Ahh, good old Jack. I believe someone once mentioned that it's a very good thing that we actually HAVE Jack, as compared to someone who actually knows video games, and can form coherent arguments. That'd be much worse.

That being said, Nothing can stop Bioshock. It's the modern equivelent of...I don't even know, maybe Wolfenstien 3D or Alone in the Dark. It will change everyting. To quote Tycho from Penny Arcade, "It is my intention to secure two copies of the game, entire - one Collectors' edition, and one exclusively to shove up Roger Ebert's ass. If Bioshock isn't "art," then art is the poorer for it."
pkhilson's Avatar
pkhilson at 08/19/2007 13:42
Jack Thompson brings a great point here as usual. He is a great man and should be heard out and respected.
Ghoulunatic's Avatar
Ghoulunatic at 08/19/2007 13:43
Jack Thompson is the Uwe Boll of law.
onomelon's Avatar
onomelon at 08/19/2007 13:53
The funniest thing about this is the thought of JT being a wrestling fan. I can picture him sitting in a La-Z-Boy, wearing a faded Ultimate Warrior shirt from 1991 with Frito crumbs all over him cheering his favorite wrestlers

Hmmm...JT watching wrestling wrestling, isn't that a bit, I don't know, hypocritical?
DJO90's Avatar
DJO90 at 08/19/2007 13:59
Why doesn't a Big Daddy shove a drill up his ass. JT is so pathetic, he thinks that by writing a letter he's made 2k uncomfortable. I bet that letter had the whole 2k Boston office laughing so hard that they cried.
Spectral's Avatar
Spectral at 08/19/2007 14:09
Why isn't he dead yet?

You know, someone's oughta go 6 stars on him.
Jim Sterling's Avatar
Jim Sterling at 08/19/2007 14:15
"Ahh, good old Jack. I believe someone once mentioned that it's a very good thing that we actually HAVE Jack, as compared to someone who actually knows video games, and can form coherent arguments. That'd be much worse. "

Actually, I'd welcome that. If someone had an educated argument against videogames, I'd enjoy talking to them. The only thing is, there AREN'T many coherent arguments you can form. As soon as you realise that the whole "kids shouldn't play adult games" argument is moot because these games aren't FOR kids, you lose your entire basis of argument. People like Jack ignore that entire foundation-shaking fallacy. Smarter people can't.
ZombieEmily's Avatar
ZombieEmily at 08/19/2007 14:16
I am pretty sure Jack Thompson was disbarred in 2004, correct me if I am wrong. But it doesn't matter he has no power what so ever. He is like an old man on a highway whose power wheelchair just ran out of battery no one to help him, just sitting there waiting his demise of a semi truck to come barreling down the road. To smash him into dust....
Blaaguuu's Avatar
Blaaguuu at 08/19/2007 14:22
From WWE's website:

# 86% are male
# Mean Age = 24 yrs old
# 36% are ages 12-17
# 58% are ages 18-49
# 40% are males 18-34

While a lot of 12-17's watch, the majority are over 18. Also,I would note that a lot of the times when I watch shows that have less of the male/female splite, I see shit like tampon commercials... Are those being targeted at me? Fuck no.
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