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Attention children in Texas: Please note a change to Destructoid's usage policy photo
Attention children in Texas: Please note a change to Destructoid's usage policy
by Papa Niero

In light of recent litigation that has been brought to my attention, I felt that it is my role as the webmaster of this video game site to announce the following change in user policy for the safety of those impressionable minds that may find this filthy breeding ground of deviants.

Chilluns, heed my warning. 

The internet is a dangerous place full of pedophiles ready to rape you at any moment.  You've heard the stories -- they're true. Nevermind using your common sense or talking to your parents about responsible use of the internet. The government has deemed that your parents are actually useless bags of flesh and we recognize that it is our burden to be your parents, a task we didn't know we accepted but we'll run with it anyway. The fact of the matter, and what you need to understand today, is that we've taken a survey and at least 99% of our registered members cannot wait to fist you repeatedly in the privacy of our forums. We're not here to talk about the Playstation 3 or Xbox Live. Hell no. That's all Dtoid Army code on how we're going to pelt your pubic area like an exotic chia pet the moment you sign on.

It may be of great disappointment to some of you, but I hereby openly admit that video game sites such as Destructoid, however enticing to your feeble minds, are actually tools created by Satan to get deep inside your anus. Especially if you are a child and live in Texas. We cannot wait to hit that.

Chances are, you're already doomed. Someone should be knocking on your door in a few minutes ready to sodomize you in ways you've never thought imaginable. Like, with celery and plastic dinosaurs from the Mesozoic era.

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2:00 PM on 11.19.2007

Sony wakes up and smells the coffee, and we're one step closer to Nirvana

It has been said that necessity is the mother of all invention, and for all intended purposes that ranks as one of the truest phrases that you'll likely ever encounter. The remarkable thing about it all is that it has a tende...


3:56 PM on 11.15.2007

Want a White Mage chocobo? Here you go.

Meeting in the Square-Enix Boardroom, 1 pmJapanese guy in suit: So, we need to launch some new product for the holidays. We don't have any major titles launching so we need a way to rake in money.Japanese guy with spiky hair:...

Colette Bennett

11:41 AM on 11.06.2007

Man sells insane game collection on Ebay

Don't get me wrong, having a huge game collection is a badge of honor. But there's having every console ever made, and then there's having four of every console ever made. Somewhere in there, the line between fervent collecti...

Colette Bennett

12:33 PM on 11.02.2007

Star Ocean: Eternal Edition PSP pics are here

Ah, Square-Enix, destroyer of wallets. Another limited PSP you know we will buy. They stop at nothing to rape us of our every dollar and leave us shamed and crying in a corner, I swear. The Star Ocean: Eternal Edition bundle ...

Colette Bennett

2:01 PM on 09.13.2007

Your keyboard sucks

I'm not trying to be mean, but really, it does. Check out the Fairlight Xynergi keyboard, which can be your baby for a cool $28k. It features "Self Labeling Illuminated Computer Keyswitch Technology," which is basic...

Colette Bennett

4:54 PM on 09.04.2007

Retro themed oki-ni Dunny releases Sept 6th

Our beloved .Tiff was kind enough to point me in the direction of this amazing new oki-ni 8-inch Dunny, which releases Sept 6th in a limited run of 1000 pieces. She and I are obsessed with all things vinyl, as we may have men...

Colette Bennett

10:55 AM on 08.31.2007

Why does Square Enix keep doing this to me?

First, the Square Enix official online store opens and offers a variety of collectable items that aren't available for purchase at any other retailer. Then, there were limited edition collectable potions which I was saved fro...

Colette Bennett

7:56 PM on 08.20.2007

Sir Niero multi-tasks in his positions*: Sneaks two new Destructoid Shirts

It seems that Niero, being the sneaky robotic overlord that he is, has added two more shirts to the Destructoid Store, one being the Classic Destructoid RAMPAGE shirt (I am SO buying that) and the other being the Also Cocks s...

water lymon

1:54 PM on 08.12.2007

You get what you pay for: PSTriples darn near indestructible?

With all of the negativity surrounding the quality of Microsoft's Xbox 360 hardware, it's almost a welcome sight to see a headline proclaiming the durability of the PlayStation 3 (however partial the source may be)....


4:21 PM on 08.06.2007

Track and Field on XBLA this Wednesday

Ask anybody that's in this photo, and they'll tell you that very few things in life are consistant: death, taxes, that burning sensation when you pee, and XBLA releases every Wednesday. This week, the retro arcade classic Tra...

Joseph Leray

10:45 PM on 07.25.2007

The Devil times two? Microsoft and EA team up to pump more ads into games

Can you remember a time when you could seek refuge in a few hours of videogaming, and not have to worry about being bombarded with in-game ads? Well thanks to a recent agreement between Microsoft and EA Sports, that special m...


7:48 PM on 07.24.2007

Otakon 2007: An import gamer's treasure trove

Gaming isn't exactly the first thing that comes to mind when someone mentions the term "Anime convention." Put those two words together and they'll likely conjure images of smelly otaku, swords fashioned fro...

Topher Cantler

Reminder: Bomberman contest ends this weekend photo
Reminder: Bomberman contest ends this weekend
by Papa Niero

I know, it's hard to keep up with the mountain of stuff we are giving away this month. Let's see, there's the full $200 Rock Band set, the Bioshock faceplate for being ugly and having your mom dress you funny, the rare decaffinated frozen semen from our community manager served over a high-fructose corn syrup reduction as an honorary Destructoid Editor for the weekend of PAX, and a stack of Bomberman shirts!

No purchase necessary, but if you bribe your underpaid graphic designer friend with pizza and hookers your odds may exponentially go up. I'm just saying. The shirt contest ends this weekend -- good luck!

Psst ... hey you there.  Yes, you, at that sweet little PR company.  Want to sponsor a Destructoid contest and give our readers all that cool video game crap you have collecting water and lice in the back of your office?  They'd gladly take it off your hands and we'll gladly do your marketing guy's job for free!  Email those  weird robot people already. 

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4:38 PM on 07.17.2007

Buy our crap! Destructoid stickers, shirts, & birth control pills now available

PICTURED ABOVE: Rev Anthony's "The Princess is a Cockteasing Bitch"The definitive sexually frustrated Super Mario Brothers gamer shirt.  If you don't understand why the princess is a cockteasing bitch, please r...

Papa Niero

3:34 AM on 07.17.2007

Show your devotion to Madden with a ring, sleep alone forever

John Madden's eponymous football franchise can always be depended on to deliver ridiculous numbers of EA-brand microtransactions designed to drain blood from even the stoniest of stones. This year, EA seems to be urging s...

Earnest Cavalli