As a gamer, I am a stinking, festering, pustulous thing. A translucent-skinned Gollum, slowly evolving like a deep-sea fish into a creature blind, boneless and explodable by the light. Contorted over the years into controller-shaped claws, my hands are useless for pleasuring a woman or even myself. My pheromone glands exude a rotting piscine musk; my genitals have long since shrivelled into vestigial sacks.

So it's no surprise that I've never had sex. My only knowledge of women comes from stripper-mongering and watching the impossibly inflated mammaries of Dead or Alive's school girls jiggle at a trillion calculations per second across my television screen.

"What is sex like?" I sometimes ask myself. But like many of you, I'll never know. My precious library of video games can tell me many things: in Mortal Kombat, what it's like to rip out a man's spine while screaming and staring into the sun. In Viva Pinata, what it's like to be a nightmarish cannibal made out of papier mache. In World of Warcraft, what it's like to hit an orc with a hammer. And, as my Second Life character, what it's like to be a 10 foot tall flaccid penis that vomits diarrhea all over other dudes.

So I appreciate this wonderful Nintendo Sex Ed Tape. Mashed together from old episodes of Captain N and The Super Mario Bros. Super Show it explains sex, love, puberty and the dangers of STDs in a way even I can understand... sexless, striper-mongering fish thing that I am.

Unfortunately, it doesn't cover the number one gamer tip for sex, which every boy has known since the 80's: if a vagina doesn't seem to be working properly, it helps to blow into the slot. 

Oh, and as an ancillary note: who else thinks Luigi should speak in such a dead-pan cadence all the time?

The Lost Nintendo Sex Ed. Tape [YouTube]

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Florian Eckhardt actually has had sex, and knows you have too, but if you're a hot girl, feel free to send pictures to prove it. He is co-editor along with Eliza Gauger of Ectoplasmosis, an experiment in fringe art, culture and ephemera, and also contributes to SciFi Scanner, a far geekier blog.