[It's time for another Monthly Musing -- the monthly community blog theme that provides readers with a chance to get their articles and discussions printed on the frontpage. -- CTZ]
There is a time only spoken of in hushed whispers within the darkened halls of online gaming's inner sanctum. A time chronicled only in forgotten, dusty html scrolls and sequestered away in the ancient archives of long neglected servers. Tended by mad digital hermits and fanatical acolytes of the retro gods, these stories speak of an era when MMOs did not exist in fully in three dimentions but rather two. They speak of an era when guilds communicated solely through typing. They speak of an era that many gamers deny ever took place. An era before World Of Warcraft.
You would do well to heed these legends, for I am a gaming demigod who has seen firsthand these cyber-realms of times long past. If you care to sit with me for a time, I will share with you some of the wonders I have witnessed. Long before the Lich King began his reign of terror, before even the EverQuest began its graphical revolution, there was another land that travellers such as yourself would inhabit. A land of isometric cameras and occasionally unendurable lag. A land from a time known to the sages as 1997. It was called Britannia by some, and known to adventurers as Ultima Online.
UO, as seen through the eyes of a GM. The Red Robes of Power make pimps jealous. Ultima Online, more so than any MMO to come after it, was geared to players looking to make their own stories. While the geography and mythos of the
Ultima universe were clearly defined, the real draw of the game was the society that sprang up on each shard. The economies of towns, the rivalries of competing guilds, the eccentric personalities of both PK griefers and the self-styled lone-wolf paladins who attempted to save newbie travellers from them all contributed to a rich pastiche of stories into which I was plunged on a daily basis.
Back in the day, I spent six months working as a Game Master for
Ultima Online before EA bought out Origin Systems. It was hands-down the funnest job I've ever had. When you talk about players creating stories, I was truly in a unique position to see this phenomenon in action. As GM Backlash, I saw multitudes of plotlines unfold before my eyes each shift; most as an observer, but a select few each day as a participant. As a ex-professional deus ex machina, I have a brain full of these stories that bubble up unbidden in my memory from time to time. I thought you might enjoy if I shared a few of the more interesting stories I took part in.
The Cloak Of Epic Fail Criminals in real life are mostly stupid. This is why cops are able to catch them. As a GM, my job of policing in
UO was roughly the same, and I had an almost Reno 911-like rotation of players who would lamely attempt to scam me in the game. A few elementary precautions insured that 99% of them were unsuccessful.
On this particular day, I received a page from a player saying that another player had used an exploit to rob them of 50,000 gold and a magical cloak, and that I needed to reimburse them right away. So I made myself invisible and transported myself under the player's house to listen, only to hear this genius and his friend hatching their plot.
Genius #2 : So how will u get dat much gold?
Genius #1 : E.Z. I told that dum-az GM Backlash that some1 used exploit to take my gold and cloak n he'll just give it up like a biatch.
Genius #2 : dat will work?
Genius #1 : hells yeah, GMs r stoopid!
At this point I turn visible and tab up through the floor of the house, so the two nimrods in effect see me phase up through their floor, Kitty Pryde style. Genius #2 : OH #$%@!!!!
GM Backlash : You were saying?
Genius #1 : How u do that???!!!!
GM Backlash : I didn't mean to interrupt, please continue. You were talking about how GMs are stupid?
Genius #2 : It wasn't me! It waz all his idea! Plz don't ban me!!!!!!
GM Backlash : <sigh>
Like this, if Dangle and Junior had red robes on. Ye Olde Smut Shoppe I'm firmly of the opinion that if you took the combined ingenuity that players used to advance their station in
UO over the years and applied it to other pursuits that we'd have a moon colony, cure for cancer, and a collective ban on all future iterations of
American Idol.
I almost hated to bust this guy, because his scheme was so simple and brilliant. He owned a house near one of the shard's major cities, and I had noticed that there was almost always a crowd of people hanging out in front. It wasn't until I got a complaint page from a disgruntled player that I realized why it was so popular.
His entire house was filled with nothing but bookshelves, and
UO allowed you to write your own text in books. Well, this player had been industrious, as every single book on every single shelf contained a copy/pasta'd softcorn porn story (over 400 in all) for the reading pleasure of this establishment's patrons. It turns out he was charging 10-20 gold for 10 minutes in the house, then use the boot feature to kick the patron out unless they paid up for another 10 minutes.
This place had been in operation off and on, for maybe three months, and had already netted nearly 250K in gold. I had to shut the guy down, but I did leave him his earnings. I should have zapped the gold too, but I admired the entrepreneurship too much to take it away. No adventuring, no guild involvement -- just a guy, a dream, and a boatload of moral ambiguity.
Porn + PC + Pathetic Players = P-P-P-Profit!!! The Shrewing of the Tamers Any RTS or MMO diehard will tell you that balancing is what separates a really strong game experience from a weak one. Blizzard has built a huge part of their reputation on this tenet. But the process isn't always a smooth one, and there are always those classes that will get upset when their characters inevitably get nerfed in the name of game balance.
After a certain tweak, the animal taming skill was weakened, and those who relied on taming dragons for their survival and livelyhood in the game were naturally up in arms. Having had their petition denied through the offical channels like the
UO forums, they decided to take their protest in-game.
I get back from a bathroom break that night to find my page queue spammed with complaints that players are stuck in the town square of Britain and cannot move. I show up invisible, as usual, on the top of the town bank, only to find over 50 players milling around all with dragons in tow. Now, in these days, having this many players and objects in one place was too much for a server to handle, and the lag created made the game unplayable for those unfortunate enough to be in the town square when the protest began.
Well, this situation called for an snazzy entrance. So with the help of a few developer scripts, I make a bolt of lightning hit the roof of the bank, followed by a column of flame from where the bolt struck, then made myself visible. This way, it looked as if I appeared in all my red-robed glory out of the column of flame. That got their attention.
After attempting to reason with the mob for a time, explaining that in-game was not the proper forum for voicing their concerns, and that their actions were impacting the ability of others to enjoy the game, I was left with little choice. The only way for me to alleviate the lag, was to reduce the number of objects on the screen. I thought that killing the players was a bit extreme, so I came up with a kinder, gentler solution that still sent a strong enough message.
I moved my cursor with great enthusiasm to that button I rarely got the chance to use. But this time, I was justified. This time, I had no alternative. I clicked on the little grey button labelled -- "SLAY".
Click. One dragon dead. Click, click. Two more. Clickitey-click-a-clack-a-lack! THE POWER! THE ABSOLUTE POWER! A-hahahahahaha!
Needless to say, the tamers quickly dispersed, as the ones who hadn't lost their pets didn't want to go through the time and effort of taming new ones, and the riot was stopped. The lag was lifted, and life returned to normal for the players in Britain. As I basked in the glow of my utter dominance, I knew that this was a story I would cherish for the rest of my life.
If you didn't want Fluffy to die, you shouldn't have stepped to this, son! One final footnote: The "SLAY" button was eventually removed from the GM God Client, as my example became a precedent for others who would abuse the power solely for their own amusement.
And so end my tales of yore. I now pass the torch of wisdom on to you. What tales will you tell the gaming generations to come of your travels?
Contest:
7:00 PM on 07.13.2009
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The softcore porn publishing house will forever remain in my memory now :)
My UO days were limited as I was much more into text-based MUDs, MUSHs and the like at that time. I did roam with a few friends who were grandmaster mages who dressed down to make PKers that they were newbies. Ah, it was hilarious and fun even if it made us more enemies than friends.
I wish being an EQ guide had been this exciting. I did get to host a few RP events that were quite awesome. It's a pain to get a crowd to play along when they want to kill the special mobs for loot. At least, I could teleport people away to the jail cell if they got in the way. Hehe. :)
He and another friend were wandering around. It was unfortunate, but hilarious, that his friend was a Red who wandered a bit too close to town and was subsequently guardwhacked. They decided to try an experiment. My friend had to go within the town limits to rez him, but upon helping a red, he would be immediately guardwhacked as well. Lo and behold, the rez worked, and there was a red, standing within the town limits, alive, and my friend was struck down the moment it happened.
Then we see the text from his friend. "WE BEAT THE SYSTEM!" Then he moved an inch and got guardwhacked again.
I haven't laughed that hard at a game in a long, long time.
@Chocobo -- thx for the feedback! I lol'ed when you mentioned the GM mages who would dress down to coax PKers to come after them. I saw that a few times and I always rooted for the mages. I didn't get to do any role-play event hosting there, which is one of my few regrets about the whole experience there.
@Blindfire -- LMAO! We Beat The System -- file that under "famous last words". There was a story I left out because the post was getting too long about a guy I called the French Taunter, because he would roam around town in a loin cloth and bait people into attacking him so that they got guardwhacked and he could loot their corpses. Hilarious.
@Jordan -- Appreciate the comment, thanks for reading!!
@SilverHertz -- Thx! I didn't have a machine for it either at the time, so GMing was the only way I could experience it. There are actually still people who host their own private servers for UO old-schoolers, talk about staying power.
... and yeah, the porn library whorehouse where they charged for 10 minutes... still laughing over that one!
With all of the nostalgia dripping from this blog, I'll wait a few weeks before posting mine.
Definitely an enjoyable read, though!
@Arttemis -- I'll be interested to read your MUD experiences, because mine were fairly limited. I tried to get into a few, but the hard-core players always had the best paths and tactics macroed, and I was typing stuff in by hand, so I never had a chance. Killed the enjoyment for me. Thanks for the read/comment!
I would totally buy, i'm not much of a MMO guy, but for someone who has to stay in it for shitloads of time(like you)it must be a memorable(and a little bit painful)experience.
Why there isn't softporn houses in WoW?
@HiddenAHB
He could write a best-seller IN Ultima! It was that amazing!
Also, I remember being the beneficiary of one of the noob-sheparding paladins you referred to.
It sometimes saddens me that our great gaming anecdotes will rarely be met with much interest. Who really wants to hear about crazy coincidences and amazing feats in City of Heroes, etc? Not many you're likely to meet, but thats what the internet is for I guess.
Great post!
@Magnalon -- Oh, you were one of. . . those. You have no idea how many complaint pages you generated for me! :D You're a stand-up guy now though, so I gotta forgive you.
Honestly, macro users were hard to catch. . . you had to have pretty hard proof to pop a ban on someone.
@T9X -- appreciate the positive vibes, man!
@Stahlbrand -- yeah, it's weird how gaming, which is this huge digital medium, has pockets of its history which will only be remembered via storytelling for the most part. It is cool that we have places like this to share those experiences.
Make another blog with more stories please. I beg of you. These were fantastic and fun to read. This was good enough that I have to agree with Hidden, write a book filled with these stories. I would buy it day one.
I remember the day I got my first player-house. It was before the big age of shadows expansion (thus land and housing was expensive), and some guy decided he was quitting. Greatly wary, I followed him deep into Felucca, and to my surprise, he didn't kill me! I loved my two story marble house so much. :] He also gave me a million gold. I wish I remembered his handle.
@Zodiac -- "Misty water-colored memories. . ." Yeah, Diablo kind of changed it all didn't it? Such an amazing game, but ever since it came out, most MMOs have had a heavy loot and levelling focus. Was so pleased that the Elder Scrolls picked up the tradition of skill advancement being usage based rather than XP based. It really keeps you focused on the act of playing. Thanks for reading!
@Redbluefire -- "Greatly wary," Yeah, I used to get pages on a nightly basis where someone either scammed them and gave out a blank deed or lured them into the boonies to smash and grab. Houses were so hard to get that people would take all kinds of risks if they thought they could net a house. Sounds like you found the needle in the haystack!
@aZZmodan -- It still has more depth than any MMO out today, despite the fact that the graphics didn't quite keep pace. I hear you, man! <pours a 40 on the pavement in honor of dear games passed>
How is UO these days? Is it worth a damn to try it out? I've actually been wondering this for a little while.
I was playing Meridian 59 while UO came out, so I never had a chance to try it.
@Wexx -- there's always good old fashioned D&D on the tabletop, or Neverwinter Nights servers on the PC, if you're looking for a good player driven story experience. . .
@runthe -- haven't been near the game in nearly 10 years, so I'm not sure what it's like now. . . I do know they're still putting out new content for its official incarnation (impressive) and that there are many private UO servers still running. . .
@andvari3d -- "Time, time, time. . . see what's become of me...."
I carried a staff that no player could pick up themselves. If they were holding it, they could not move. Sometimes players ran from me, which I thought was funny. I could open up their character window as they ran away, and drag my heavy staff into their hands. On screen, the staff would fly off-screen and chase them down even if they ran really far. They instantly froze, unable to drop the staff and unable to move.
I enjoyed busting players that broke the rules. They were clever, but we had tools at our disposal. Following around very clever scammers to watch their behavior took a long time, but paid off. I tried to be as fair as possible, and a "good cop". There's always a small percentage that are out to ruin the game, and would destroy it entirely if given the chance. Just for the lolz...
@char -- The treasure hunter was such an interesting class! Dependent on other characters to thrive, but other characters needed them too. . . it's true, you don't see that kind of imagination in MMOs too often anymore.
@Batthink -- :D Yeah, those guys were comically lame. . . in truth, it was easy to stop most of the scammers. We kept a list of repeat offenders and their alt accounts, so most of the time you knew before you even showed up if they were full of it or not.
@Kagasumi -- A max weight item? That's a great idea. I enjoyed busting players too, and also strove to be "firm but fair". Out of curiosity, what shard did you GM on mostly? I was most often on Baja and Pacific.
@SiK -- that seems to be a theme in the comments so far! Remembering UO seems to be bittersweet since there's really nothing like it out today. I never really thought about it, but that may be why I never felt compelled to play EverQuest or WoW, even though I was facinated by the whole concept of MMOs.
Anyways, UO is still fun, different game mechanics, but to put it short UO is on a upswing and there is something for every playstyle.