I suck at games: The blame game

7:00 PM on 08.24.2009   |   Tony Ponce

33 comments

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There is a large contingent of gamers who will forever discount the viability of motion controls in traditional play because the values championed by them, like encouraging active movement, lie opposed to the long-standing values that these gamers hold dear. In this case, swinging their arms and legs is anathema since they prefer to use games as a tool for stress relief instead of physical fitness. The oft-repeated cliché goes, "I just want to go home after a long day of work/school, kick back on the couch with controller in hand, and just relax."

I do not subscribe to that notion. Not for most games, at least.

Games engage you in a way that other media cannot. They are designed to draw you into a sphere of focus, to command the direction of every sense. It is ultimately a very fragile sphere that can be shattered in an instant, and when that happen, the sudden return to reality will leave you disconcerted and more than a little frustrated. Challenge inherent in gameplay will do more to flare tensions and blood pressure than it would to relieve stress, so should you find yourself playing something especially difficult then expect the ensuing adrenaline rush to keep you awake for hours on end. Rest and relaxation, indeed.

There is this amazing state of rejection we experience upon missing that next jump or being forced to repeat a lengthy and arduous mission. When faced with our own inadequacies, we choose instead to direct the blame towards anything else. Find some minor distractions, in-game or out, or some inscrutable design flaw in the hardware or the game itself and fingers will be pointing. Whether or not you ultimately accept responsibility for your failings, your first instinct will be to look without, not within.

How do we react? How would a person who was suddenly removed from such fantasy, losing the focus that has been steadily building or minutes or hours, react? Violence and obscenities, of course. The anger is pulsating, waiting for release, and it's going to explode. God help whoever or whatever is on the receiving end of gamer rage.

The following is just a simple list of people or things to blame when that happens and how "best" to siphon that fury.

1. This junk controller

The controller is your direct connection to the gaming world. With it, you command the destiny of the world's inhabitants. It is natural to assume that the controls will work to your satisfaction, that they are responsive and logical in any given situation. You know what it is that you intend to do, but sometimes the controller has its own agenda.

You wanted to zig. The controller wants to zag. You want to jump. The controller wants to take root. You clearly intended to unleash the hurricane spin, but the controller decided on a whim to rearrange the sequence command. What manner of sorcery is this? You are the lord and the controller is the vassal. Your command, your every thought, should be law.

APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Strangle that ungrateful cur as if you were strangling an infant. Allow the blood to rush to your hands as your grip grows tighter still. With enough pressure applied, the controller should yield. It probably won't.

Extend that index finger and rapidly smash the button of the action the controller failed to perform. Drill the command deep into its core. If it knows what is good for it, it will turn back the clock and do what it should have done with flawless execution. Then it should order you a pizza. If not, beat it senseless on the coffee table until fragments of unknown purpose rattle within its shell.



2. Your retarded brother

You never really did like your brother, did you?

He chewed on your Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers action figures and tried to flush your Game Boy down the toilet when you were younger. Even today, the little sneak comes into your room and steals shit from your closet. You only notice months later that he's been wearing your favorite T-shirt with the justification, "I'm pretty sure you said I could borrow it."

He knows just how to push your buttons, too. You are sitting there, playing your games, minding your business, when he walks by the door and asks, "Hey, 'sup? Whatcha playin'?" Instead, what you hear is, "Screw up! Screw up! Screw up! Oh! You screwed up! Ha ha! Loser!" He did that on purpose.

APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: If you are a gamer concerned over controller latency, you'll most likely still be using a wired gamepad. Your solution is to wrap that cord around the little turd's neck until his spasms subside, then mercifully grant his urge for respiration and show him the door.

If that's not feasible, run his ass down the hall and sit on his chest, then drill your closed fist into his skull until he submits. Yes, the noogie. It is still an effective technique.



3. Sticky keys on the friggin' keyboard

The great thing about a PC is the desk it sits on. All that surface area invites you to set snacks and drinks upon it. Inevitably, crumbs will fall into the keyboard in addition to strands of air and dead skin. If the keyboard was constructed with any degree of foresight, it should shrug off debris like a cow shrugs off flies.

The day may come where you must strafe out of the line of fire, so you press down the 'D' key... but it doesn't pop back up and you wind up taking an unexpected cliff dive. Or maybe you pressed the 'D' key and your feet remained planted to the ground, treating you to face full of unexpected death. If the keyboard was worth anything, it would have prevented this mess.

APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: It is important to practice regular maintenance with your electronic devices. To clean the gunk from the keyboard, you must remove the keys. To remove the keys, you must slam the keyboard repeatedly on the desk until the keys dislodge themselves willingly. Wipe the surface clean and replace the keys in their appropriate slots.

If this doesn't alleviate the issue, lodge the keyboard at least a foot into your wall, drive down to you local electronics retailer, and purchase a good keyboard.



4. Stupid mom calling for stupid dinner

As the artist formally known as Fresh Prince once said, "Parents just don't understand." No more is this true than when it comes to gaming. They don't know how demanding a hobby it is. They think you are rotting your brain. They're stupid-heads.

So it comes as no surprise that they would announce dinner is on the table during a particularly grueling session. Sure, it's a complete coincidence. It just so happens that mom would interrupt at a time when even the slightest alteration in your breathing rhythm will result in an untimely demise.

APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: You do not confront your mother directly. That's a no-no. Instead, stand beneath your door frame and let the acoustics carry your voice to the kitchen. "I'll be there in a minute, mom! No, just wait a minute! No, just ... I'M NOT HUNGRY! LEAVE ME ALONE, DAMMIT!!!" Then slam the door and twist the lock before cursing the walls that form your prison. One day, you will live all on your own and you will never have to listen to your stupid parents again! And you can have ice cream for dinner!



5. That loud-ass phone

Why is it that when you crave human contact, no one seems to acknowledge your existence, but when you desire absolute solitude then you become the most popular person on the planet? It's because the world doesn't want to give you peace. The world wants nothing more than to see you stumble and to laugh at your misfortunes. It makes you wonder why you even own a phone at all.

You are achievement hunting. You are required to clear a section with not a hair grazing your skin. Then the house phone rings. And rings. And rings. Then the machine picks up and you hear your nasally voice and swear to change that outgoing message one of these days. Then the beep. Then the disconnection tone because the other party has no patience whatsoever. And when someone disconnects just before the beep, you hear that tone for a good long minute before it stops unless you physically remove the phone from its hook then replace it. But you won't do that. Why should you have to?

Then your cell phone rings. It will drive you mad unless you do something. So you pick up. Who should be on the other line? You might offer forgiveness if it was your bud calling you down for some drinks, but no. It's your employer. Someone called in sick. You are needed to fill in. If only you had ignored the call, someone else would have dealt with it.

APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: "Can you people leave me alone! God!" Click.

Take the phone to your sink or fish tank or toilet or any other nearby body of water and drop it in. The air is now still except for the soothing sounds of your artillery fire. Bliss.



6. The goddamn cat

Cats don't annoy you the way dogs do. Dogs will bark. Dogs will run around in circles. Dogs will grab your leg and pull you towards the door. You can see dogs coming. Not so with cats. Cats engage in psychological warfare of the highest order.

As you sit there, the cat materializes on the arm of the couch. It doesn't do or say anything. It just stares at you. Its gaze never breaks. You can't ignore it. You feel its presence bearing upon you like a heavy, wet blanket, smothering you until you can't breathe. Through its eyes, it criticizes your every failing, bringing you down, judging you, tearing away at your resolve.

"You sit here all day playing those games. What are you doing with your life? You missed the job fair today. You don't even visit HotJobs, do you? You've been out of college for two years. Something is wrong with you. Show some initiative. For God's sake, get some new clothes. Get rid of those ratty-ass jeans. No wonder you are still single."

You've been booted to the main menu. You finally turn to meet the cat's gaze.

"You're still a virgin, aren't you?"

APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: KICK IT.



7. This broken, piece-of-shit game

Nothing you do can further your progress. You are at an impasse. The game demands too much. You feel weak. You see a way out. Just admit that you lack the skills. Just admit that you devote way too much time to games. Just admit that life is passing you by.

But then ... FLASH! A final lifeline has extended its hand! Stuttering camera! Stupid respawn points! The terrible clipping is distracting! This should have a "save anywhere" feature! The boss is overpowered! The characters are unbalanced! The core game is just plain broken!

This has to be it. It's not your fault. The game designers must have been high as a kite. Where was the quality control? This is borderline shovelware. No, it is shovelware!

APPROPRIATE RESPONSE: Remove the game disc (or cartridge), grip it firmly between you thumb and index fingers, and toss it out the fucking window.

Then blog about it. You need the community to support your allegations.