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I suck at games: Friend vs. friend: Fight!

7:00 PM on 08.17.2009 // ShadokatRegn

[It's time for another Monthly Musing -- the monthly community blog theme that provides readers with a chance to get their articles and discussions printed on the frontpage. -- CTZ

Palms sweating, thumbs twitching, reflexes ... flexing.

*Hadoken! Shoryuken!*

Anger fills your head after your friend, who doesn't normally play videogames, wallops you up side your Blanka skull. Insults like "You Cheated!", "You picked a cheap character!" "Fighting games aren't real games!" and the likes fly from your mouth. Before you realize it, you want to curl up with Phoenix Wright and forget the whole thing ever happened.

In spite of being a fencer that "fights" on a strip much like these games, I simply suck at Fighting Games against other people. There, I said it. Nothing frustrates me more than my opponent landing some cheap-shot punch, or unstoppable combo because I always lose. Parry, riposte, touche! Not, A, B, Up, Forward, B -- this form of fighting does not compute. Fighting games create hours of frustration against the savant gamers that have mastered the art of mashing A in your face.

Come to the dahk side, where we say en garde!

Button mashing is for the birds, Fatalities frustrate, Bridget is really a boy, Tekken can tag out, Dead or Alive can stay dead, and someone else can take home that misspelled Soulcalibur for all I care. No matter how much I play them, I will never be good at fighting games.

When I was a young child of 17, I would skip school to wrap myself up in Super Smash Bros. Melee, fighting hordes of bad guys in the challenges to unlock the trophies for my invisible bookshelf. I packed many hours into this task. Yet, when a friend would pick up player 2's controller, I would experience a kind of torture that most only experience when they run out of Vaseline ..."Kirby can fly. You should have died just then! That's not fair!"

Fighting games must have some hidden appeal, aside from the busty babes and shiny uber-weapons that is. Maybe it's pounding people like me right into the floor helps some feel supreme gaming satisfaction.

I pick up the controller with the hopes of smashing some Mario skull with Donkey Kong, giving that poor ape his due reward after all these years, only to find myself weeping at the sight of "Mario Wins!" flashing on the screen. Guilty Gear has that crazy tall guy with a bag on his head armed with a giant scalpel -- what's not full of win in that character design? That is, up until someone yo-yo's you with the cross-dressing little boy, and win becomes lose. You can cry in that bag, that's what it's for.

I've got an idea: how about we watch ME play games, beating the crap outta that guy instead!

I play videogames for the depth of story, the smooth 'Splosion style platforming, the character development, and the Metal Gears. Fighting games just don't have it for me. Some characters may be fighting for the greater good, or to save a helpless family member, to rule the world, or simply because they're a Sith. Maybe I dislike fighting games because I'm terrible at them, or maybe I just dislike them for more technical reasons. Give me horror, give me action, give me Spider-man! But, when friends come around I'll make up excuses, some more viable than others, to get out of playing fighting games. "My wrist hurts." "I have malaria today." "I think I need to walk the dog again, I'll catch up with you later." Occasionally my Smash Bros, or Soulcalibur games will go "missing," and I'll pick up the plastic guitar to play some co-op Guitar Hero with my friends instead.

Leave me to my Tekken bowling, or DOA volleyball. I didn't buy these games to play with the likes of you. It's a spiritual journey, and I don't want my ass kicked while I'm walking the Earth.

Also, enjoy this video of a Blanka frustrating a Ryu for once.

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