You may find it hard to believe, but right now, knitting is one of the hottest things out there. If you're ever looking to get laid, just point out that the Super Mario Bros 3 sweater that you're wearing was knit in only 35 hours, you'll be sure to have that lady in your bed in no time flat. I mean, that's just one of the many secrets from Chad Concelmo's playbook.
So in order to prepare you all for the latest trend of knitting that will be here for years to come, I've put together a little feature on how to throw a gamer knitting party, so that you can not only improve your skills, but meet others like you, and have a wave of hot gamer chicks wanting to show you all the tricks when it comes to knitting.
Oh yeah. Knit one, purl too, baby.
Before the party
Now, this is the critical part of the whole process. You've got to spend plenty of time deciding on what pattern you're going to be making. You can't pick something too difficult, but if you make something really simplistic, then you'll just get laughed at by all the knitting elites.
Do: Pick some retro art to go with. Knitting pixels makes life a hell of a lot easier than knitting Kratos or some such.
Don't: Pick any patterns that are from Nintendo products. Reggie will track you down and burn your house down for inappropriately using Nintendo's properties. But of course, not before taking all the meat out of your fridge.
We recommend: Making a Strider pattern. Capcom will only send zombies after you, and they're relatively slow-moving.
Right before your guests get there
Prepare the drinks, have some extra yarn ready in case people run out, and put on some mood music. Since this is geared towards gamers, you should prepare a mix of some of your favorite game soundtracks, and probably a few remix albums, such as material from the OneUps.
Do: Make sure the house is clean. You don't want bits of food, cat hair, and whatever else is living in your carpet to make its way into everyone's sweaters. Who knows, you might be responsible for someone's death all because you didn't vacuum your carpet. Think about that.
Don't: Prepare solely alcoholic drinks. As much as you may want to use alcohol as a social lubricant, especially when you're trying to impress those fine knitting ladies, but knitting does require some level of coordination, and liquoring up your guests may not be the best idea.
We recommend: If you're intent on getting laid during this knitting session, plan out what your plan of action will be. Set up items to act as conversation pieces to make you seem interesting. And if all goes awry, just slip in a roofie when no one's looking.
During the party
Now that your guests have arrived, it's time to be the consummate host, entertaining your guests, keeping everyone happy, and hopefully, productive. If anyone has questions about patterns, as host, you should try to have whatever answers
Do: Keep your knitting books and patterns handy, in case someone wants to look something up. Be sure to write up a cheat sheet that you can quietly take a peek at when there's something you really should know.
Don't: Give up on knitting just because you suck. I know you're doing this just to get laid, but if you don't at least put in some effort to your knitting, you aren't going to be hardcore enough for the "scene girls."
We recommend: Having a friend knit stuff for you, and periodically sneak out pieces of pre-made sweater. You'd better have some good slight of hand tricks in order to pull this one off, but it's what you've got to do if you're going to do this half-assed.
After the party
Now it's time to take care of all the mess you made during the party. So this means cleaning up empty drink containers, clean up all the scraps of yarn and other garbage, and putting all your stuff back where it belongs.
Do: Sort your recyclables into their appropriate bins. It's only right that you try and help the environment.
Don't: Just store the dead body in your garage. The smell will get to you real soon.
We recommend: Call Winston Wolf. He fixes things.
I hoped you enjoyed the little tutorial we've provided you with here at Destructoid. We're deeply concerned about our readers, and want to provide you with instructions for any of those awkward situations in your life.
Next time: How to tell someone that you killed their grandmother with a Wiimote!
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12:00 AM on 01.24.2015