Note: iOS 9 + Facebook users w/ trouble scrolling: #super sorry# we hope to fix it asap. In the meantime Chrome Mobile is a reach around
hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts

How to survive the motion control apocalypse

4:00 PM on 03.23.2010 // Tony Ponce

[Editor's Note: We're not just a (rad) news site -- we also publish opinions/editorials from our community & employees like this one, though be aware that it may not jive with the opinions of Destructoid as a whole, or how our moms raised us. Want to post your own article in response? Publish it now on our community blogs.]

Nuclear holocaust. The zombie plague. The robot rebellion. Until now, the prospect of doomsday existed only in the realm of fiction. By year's end, Sony and Microsoft will have thrown their hat into the motion control ring. Along with Nintendo, this unholy trinity will shift the focus of gaming away from the pursuit of high art towards the indulgence of base pleasures.

The world will come to an end.

Store shelves will become awash in vibrant hues as legitimate digital experiaunces are replaced by images of lobotomized families in directionless play. Hardcore gamers will be assaulted by legions of casuals asking them for recommendations from the latest Walmart Sunday shopper. Businesses will grind to a halt as impromptu Just Dance office parties become all the rage.

Once the final gaming bastion has fallen, the MoCos (as the infected will come to be known) will shift their attention to other desirable pastimes. There will be no more liquor or high-calorie fast food. Pixar will close down as funding for DreamWorks Animation increases, and all live-action films will be romantic comedies starring Sarah Jessica Parker. Cultural evolution will slam the brakes and shift into reverse.

We are already seeing sporadic outbreaks across the globe. It's not too late to prepare for the coming storm, however! We may be unable to prevent the MoCo apocalypse, but we can take steps to preserve the sanctity of gaming. 

Sever ties with everyone.

Every personal connection you've made in your life is a liability. People who know you tend to want to keep in touch with you. If they keep in touch with you, they may ask you to engage in activities with them. Those activities may include getting together to play Kate Touches Milo Inappropriately. Don't give them the opportunity.

Avoid checking your mail. Disconnect your answering machine. Stop returning phone calls. Most importantly, don't leave the home unless you are in disguise. You wouldn't want someone recognizing you on the street and harassing you with idle chatter. "Where have you been?" "Is something the matter?" "I'm worried about you! Can you talk to me?" "Wanna hit the virtual lanes?"

Most gamers are already social outcasts so making the jump to full-on seclusion should be a seamless process. English poet John Donne once said that no man is an island. John Donne was a dirty casual.

Sell everything.

You own a lot of useless garbage. Get rid of it. All of it. Clear out your attic. Empty your china cabinet. Sort through the boxes in the back of your closet. Look, it's the watch that has been in your family for generations. They say that you can't put a price on precious memories, but you can. A couple grand, easy.

Establish priorities, my friends. In the MoCo future, your one and only concern should be ensuring the continued existence of real gaming. Anything that could be considered a distraction to that singular focus needs to be excised immediately. Naturally, the only items you should hang on to are your multimedia center and the collection of software currently in your possession.

Let's not waste an opportunity to transform your excess furniture, linens, and cutlery into liquid assets. You need all the cash you can for what comes next.

Stockpile game hardware and software.

As one of gaming's last wards, it's up to you to preserve an archive of the medium's greatest achievements. Hit up eBay, Amazon, Japan Yahoo Auction, and wherever else to acquire key software and hardware spanning the decades. As a fine gaming connoisseur, you should understand that no collection of fine art is ever complete, that there will always be something more to add. Regrettably, the clock is inching closer to midnight and many unfortunate games will fall victim to the fallout. Do all in your power to rescue the great AAA masterpieces first and foremost.

All the money you've collected through flipping your undesirables must go towards the expansion of your gamer cache. As long as the equipment you purchase is free of any MoCo operation, nothing is too extreme or obscure. Pong consoles that no longer operate properly? Throw them on the pile. Defunct handheld devices? Go for it. Superfluous peripherals that are not manipulated by button input? You should probably let that filth burn.

In regards to next-generation consoles, Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3, they have yet to be tainted by their MoCo destiny and should most definitely be included in the archive. As for the last-generation blunder known as the Wii, it is a poison for which there is no cure. If you are the owner of a Wii, you may already be damned.

To check for Wii infection, grab the front of your pants, pull it away from your body, and peer beneath your undergarments. Still have your balls? Good, you are still a man. Cast the machine and all its non-game software into the nearest septic tank to stew with the rest of the excrement.

Buy an onahole.

You're going to be alone for the rest of your life.

Disconnect from the Internet.

Hardcore gamers have long relied on the World Wide Web to follow the pulse of technological progress. The free exchange of information and good-natured support amongst one another has kept our spirits high during these troubled times. Unfortunately, continued use of the Internet is in violation of Número Uno. It has been crucial in our archival efforts, but now it's time to pull the plug.

What about online gaming, you say? These are my people, you say? This is our fight, you say?

Keeping the cyber portals open will leave you vulnerable to viral outbreak. Imagine if a news crawl announcing the grand success of the MoCo wave splashes on the screen. Your psyche, weakened by your heavy burden, may break at a reminder of the outside world's harsh reality. What if you download a firmware update that adds MoCo compatibility to previously motionless software? The purity of your media shrine will be tarnished!

Another thing, how well can you trust the online community? How many are actually viral marketers for the latest Ubisoft sensation? How long before the most stalwart among them turn? You'll find out once they start spamming your inbox with requests to play co-op Jillian Michaels Masturbates a Horse.

When you don't know who to trust, the only person you can trust is yourself.

Drop off the grid entirely.

The government can still track you. Your landlord will demand rent. You can lock your doors and windows, but others still know where you live. You have to get lost. Close your bank accounts. Cash out your retirement savings. Cancel your subscription to Men's Health Magazine. You must become a ghost.

Once your affairs are in order, pack your things in a nondescript van and drive as far away from Podunk suburbia as you can. It's well-documented that the first mo-co infections were in outskirt communities populated by uptight, ascot-wearing WASPs, single mothers who carpool children to and from extracurricular activities, and senile war veterans who think that shooting five under par in Tiger Woods Bangbus Tour will make restore their youth. Avoid those hot zones.

Find a secluded cabin in the woods and establish camp. You won't have access to utilities, so find a location near the river and purchase a reliable generator to power your media center. For last-minute provisions, travel to the nearest general store you can find and stock up on non-perishables. You don't want anyone to track your location, so make sure to murder the owner and bury his body beneath you floorboards. Trust me, the cops in hick country won't care if one or two go missing.

With your cabin loaded and secure, hunker down and enjoy the years of peace and solitude in your own little digital world as the rest of the planet falls to ruin. Perhaps a cure will be discovered in the distant future and civilization will prosper once again. If that happens, your gamer archive will serve as spark a new era of cultural discovery!

Kill yourself.

Ha ha ha ha! You fool! There is no escape!

Look at what you've done! All your elaborate preparations must have required such strenuous labor! In your aspiration to avoid the hassle of playing MoCo games, you've expended more energy than playing those games would have ever drained! You lost before you ever began!

Succumb to failure. Resign to your fate. Embrace death. No one will mourn your loss. They'll be too busy shadowboxing in the rec room, waggle sticks in hand.

Tony Ponce, Former Contributor
 Follow Blog + disclosure megaStryke Tips
(Decommissioned) Super Fighting Robot more   |   staff directory

 Setup email comments

Unsavory comments? Please report harassment, spam, and hate speech to our community fisters, and flag the user (we will ban users dishing bad karma). Can't see comments? Apps like Avast or browser extensions can cause it. You can fix it by adding * to your whitelists.

Status updates from C-bloggers

Jiraya avatarJiraya
The postman just brought me gifts i bought for myself ... [img][/img] [img][/img]
James Internet Ego avatarJames Internet Ego
Umm.. no Microsoft. Where is the 'go away' button? [img][/img]
StriderHoang avatarStriderHoang
I tried driving as Uber last night to start supplementing my income and everyone so far has been super chill. Also, I started practicing in my sleepy small home city so the training wheels were still on. No big city bar hoppers just yet.
RadicalYoseph avatarRadicalYoseph
Just got my Gwent physical edition. I don't understand special abilities - for example, Arachas have an icon with two knights beneath the close combat icon. Avallac'h has an eye in that same spot. Help? (I'm no longer a squid btw)
KyWii avatarKyWii
Happy Thanksgiving all! Load up on carbs and then get back to playing Fallout 4.
Archelon avatarArchelon
New extended television spot for The Force Awakens! [youtube][/youtube]
TheKodu avatarTheKodu
I dunno if I just had a freak incident but I think Ubisoft may have just changed the Renown gain in Rainbow Six Siege to be less shit as in overnight they've patched it. If true, kinda good on them.
Atleastimhousebroken avatarAtleastimhousebroken
Does it mess with anyone else's head that when beating a SMBW level in Mario Maker the music doesn't do that little 'booowoo oop' at the end. [youtube][/youtube]
ScreamAid avatarScreamAid
I've developed a new hobby to indulge in while on Skype with friends: creating stupid Sonic OCs. I have so much fun making them for some weird reason, and once I have enough of them I might as well post a c-blog of them, am I right? Look out in the future
El Dango avatarEl Dango
SeymourDuncan17 avatarSeymourDuncan17
Boy howdy, does Divinity: Original Sin take a while to get going. But, it was worth it in the end. Probably the most hardcore RPG I've played. Stellar writing, at that! Combat's pretty amazing too. [img][/img]
FlanxLycanth avatarFlanxLycanth
So it seems I've locked into the Neutral ending for SMT IV and now I need to find specific challenge quests and complete them...? How (un)fun! Google is your friend - the videogame.
Riobux avatarRiobux
Interested in playing some Pathfinder? Trying to arrange a Dtoid Pathfinder group for Saturday nights (GMT) on Skype & Roll 20. If you're new to pen-and-paper RPGs, I don't mind at all and can bring you up to speed quick. Just comment if interested.
Fuzunga avatarFuzunga
Local convention had a great selection of game soundtracks 5 for $20! I got Halo 3: ODST (2 disk!), Gears of War 2, Deus Ex: Human Revolution, Darksiders 2 (2 disk!), and Castlevania: Lords of Shadow. Some of the best soundtracks of the last 7 years!
Niero Desu avatarNiero Desu
Photos and videos are back on quickposts but clipping on some devices. We're going to add a new quickpost editing interface so photos and videos can only be displayed one way (a la twitter) to solve this. Also, a My cBlog link was added to your user menu
Flegma avatarFlegma
Machine-washed my Wii Fit meter yesterday by accident. Took the battery out and let it dry for the night. Luckily the meter still worked - but it had counted a fair number of steps more that day.
Agent9 avatarAgent9
Finally killed Ludwig, now if I could only get passed the 2 hunters on the second floor. that 2 some is rather annoying,and her holy blade kills in only a few hits. wish mine was that strong.
Casus Gaming avatarCasus Gaming
After reading a blog post about DMC4 I decided to watch all the cutscenes on Youtube. Tried the games years ago and couldn't get into them, but man that shit was stylish. Likeable protagonists, intense drama... still think DmC reboot wasn't that bad tho.
lewness avatarlewness
me on 1st ff14 raid (void ark): ooh so many people and lights, so many lights, lights, fuck I can't see, what is happening, i don't understand, is it tuesday already, get on the platform fuuuuck, wow void helm
Pixie The Fairy avatarPixie The Fairy
Just a reminder that you have until the 30th to get your Bloggers Wanted post, "Thankful it's over" in. I'm either going to tell you how I ruined my best online gaming experience or rip Twilight Princess a new one. Maybe both.
more quickposts



Invert site colors

  Dark Theme
  Light Theme

Destructoid means family.
Living the dream, since 2006

Pssst. konami code + enter

modernmethod logo

Back to Top

We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -