How to not look like a dickhead in Killzone 2

5:40 PM on 04.30.2009   |   Jim Sterling

64 comments

With the Steel & Titanium downloadable map pack freshly launched for Killzone 2, you may be tempted to dip back into the online waters of this fine PlayStation 3 title. A while ago we provided a handy guide advising you how to not look like a dickhead in Gears of War 2, and with Killzone 2 providing a very active online community that you can look like a dickhead in front of, it would be wrong of us to not produce yet another informative and useful guide.

With eight character classes and up to thirty-two players per game, there is plenty of opportunity to resemble a complete dickhead in front of a great many people, who will then pass down tales of your dickheadery to their children and ensure you become a fabled dickhead for generations to come.

Fear not though, friends, for we are here to help you. Take our hand and follow our important guidelines, as you learn how not to look like a dickhead in Killzone 2.

MEDIC!

You may not be aware, but if you happen to choose the Medic class, you can press left on the D-Pad to bring up a magical heal-ray of resurrection. You see all those people lying around on the floor, reaching out to you with pleading eyes? That's right, you can zap those people with the heal-ray and bring them back into play! How about that?

I point this out because it would seem that a great many Medics choose the class and, for some reason, have no intention of actually healing anybody. These people are dickheads, obviously, and if you follow their ways, you will be seen as a dickhead too. Killzone classes are more than just a pretty character model. If you decide to pick one, be a dear and use the skills it has. 

It's really not rocket science. If all you want to do is kill stuff, just pick the regular Soldier class. If, however, you're not a total twat, make use of the classes you're given. 

Place Spawn Points Responsibly:

The Tactician is arguably the best class in the game. While he doesn't have the opportunity to rack up as many points as a Medic, nor does he possess the killing efficiency of the Scout, the Tactician's ability to throw Spawn Grenades and ensure a new spawn point for his allies can make the difference between victory and loss, Unfortunately, if your team is full of dickheads, it will definitely be a loss. 

Nobody needs a spawn point three feet away from the home base, where there are already default spawn points. What in the name of St. McFuck are people going to need that for? A Spawn Grenade thrown miles away from an objective is also rather useless. A stream of green spawn smoke in a remote location or is like a living monument to the dickheadedness of whatever spastic decided to throw it. Every new soldier spawning from such a point is another failure.

It's really not that difficult to place Spawn Grenades properly, that's the irritating thing. Put one near Capture & Hold objectives, by Search & Retrieve objectives, by Search & Destroy objectives. You know what objectives are? Put spawn points near THOSE, you stupid clit! At the very least, just let me throw the bloody things. You only get a limited amount of spawn points that are allowed to be active at any one time, and it's a pain in the arse being unable to throw mine because some dribbling idiot has stuck one up his arse so that everyone spawns inside his rectum. 

Not that I've ever fantasized about something like that. 

Don't Die In Front Of Someone You Shot:

There is nothing more humiliating than gunning someone down, spending time to marvel your handiwork as they helplessly lay on the ground, possibly teabagging them, and then getting shot in the back by somebody you didn't see. The worst part about this is the fact that you have ten seconds before respawning in which you lie on the ground, waiting for a dickhead Medic who should heal you, but probably won't. 

What this leads to is ten seconds of lying in front of the guy you shot, who is vicariously enjoying the revenge, watching you in the same position as he is. Even worse is the fact that you'll likely be face to face, and it will look like you are both on the ground, staring longingly into each others' eyes, possibly about to kiss, but knowing too ashamed and terrified to make that final gesture and allow love to bloom on the battlefield. But how sweet it would be. How sweet that hot Helghast lovin' would be. 

Perhaps the most humiliating aspect of this is being shot down by a non-dickhead Medic, who will then resurrect the guy you shot. Your former victim will then parade his new lease of life in front of you, most likely by punching your prone body in the face to finish you off and ensure that no Medic can bring you back. You'll feel like a right dickhead, and the other guy will know it. 

Search & Destroy Means SEARCH & DESTROY:

I know most of the unimaginative fuckwits who play games just want everything in Killzone 2 to be Bodycount, but if you've joined a game where the other modes are being played, at least try and play the game properly. The worst offenders are the dickheads who play Search & Destroy, but are too busy trying to score kills that they won't plant or defuse any bombs. All too often I'll see a defending team standing in front of an armed bomb that they're NOT defusing because they just want to shoot stuff. 

Remember, morons, if you actually win the game, any points you acquired will be subject to a multiplier, meaning it's more than worth your time to actually try and achieve the objectives rather than just shoot stuff. If all you want to do is shoot stuff, there are a ridiculous amount of "100 Kills 30 Min Bodycount" matches on the servers at any given moment. Why you're not there and are instead getting in my way during Search & Destroy is beyond me, but it makes you El Senor Dickheadio, the Dickhead Bandit of Dickheadsico City. 

Don't Choose Assault Class:

If you're going to pick Assault Class, you're a dickhead. Okay, so he's got twice as much durability as anyone else, can recharge health quicker, is faster, and is able to choose between two rocket launchers and a grenade launcher, but he is the choice of dickhead champions.

It's not that anybody would blame you, but even if it's the smart choice, it's still wrong. It was the smart choice for OJ Simpson to plead innocent, but it still made him a dickhead. People that choose Assault class, especially ones that use it on Blood Gracht and camp in the building right outside the Helghast base, are evil and nasty scumbags who should be strung up by their genitals in the old pirate way. They should also be congratulated for their wise decision, but it's mostly bollock hanging. 

Don't Say "Feel The Pain Of My Rocket Launcher":

While we're on the subject of Assault Class, it's probably best that, if you've already gone the dickhead route and chosen it, you don't then cement your dickheadicity by then saying, as someone once said to me in a game, "Feel the pain of my rocket launcher," in a really nerdy voice that is trying to sound tough and scary. You just sound like a total gimp.

Someone actually said that once. I'm sure you can all get a good idea of exactly how lame it sounded. 

While We're At It, "Helghast Nigga" And "Helghast Representin'" Are Right Out:

The Helghast are right wing, militant space fascists with English accents. I cannot think of a more inappropriate phrase to herald their coming than, "Helghast Nigga," but apparently that's what potheads enjoy saying in more than one Killzone 2 pre-match lobby. I thought this was just an isolated incident, but it's happened a couple of times now, as some stoned-out-of-his-mind idiot drooled the phrase out during the match countdown, as if we were all impressed by the fact that he can say the word "nigga" after another word. Nobody is impressed by people who do that. 

Perhaps worse was the "Helghast Representin'" guy who, far from being an American, said it in an English accent. People who say American street phrases in English accents without any trace of irony are, as you might have guessed, massive dickheads and they should probably be shot in the eyes and left to crawl around on the floor screaming "What have I done?"

Makes me ashamed to be the Helghast when I'm surrounded by such monglers of cock. 

Don't Get Killed Trying To Shoot A Turret:

Turrets can be very annoying, and sometimes they are so irritating that it's tempting to just try your luck and stand in front of the thing, firing bullets before one of you dies. Unless it's been softened up with a grenade first, however, you will be the one that dies, that the turret will think to itself "lulz, u am a dickhead." Turrets are capable of sentient thought, but sound like Lolcats, apparently. 

If you are seen by anybody else, lying on the floor in front of a turret, they will instantly know what happened, and your shame will be great. Children will sing songs of your stupidiocy and will dance in a circle, holding hands, around your grave site, laughing innocently at the moronic piss-hole who tried to take on a turret and lost. 

Don't Fail At Melee:

Unlike other games, the melee attack in Killzone 2 is not a cheap instakill, and rightfully so. However, because there's a ribbon in it for the lucky fellow who can score ten kills with the attack, and because some people probably think this is just Call of Duty with glowing red eyes, there will be many who randomly flail in the air, desperately trying to score a melee kill while you're staying at least one foot away at all times, shooting the shit out of them and laughing. 

The only really effective way of using melee is to get into a particularly crowded and chaotic round of Search & Destroy. Maps like Radec Academy or Visari Hammer usually guarantee large, clustered groups of enemies that you can charge into and be sure of a few melee kills. At any other time, however, you have to be very careful or you'll just look stupid. You stupid flaccid dong. 

Now you should be adequatenly prepared to enter the arenas of Killzone 2 and take the fight to the ISA or Helghast scumbags, depending on your preference. As you grip your rifle in hand, please recall this handy guide, and you can be safe in the knowledge that you will take to the battlefields of Helghan without looking like an utter dickhead.