Stop being such a wussy. Learn how to skillfully
manipulate women into becoming gamers!

Hardcore gamer has a 6 step program to make your girl come a gamer, reportedly written with the aide of a uterus-compatible resource. Their solution calls for calm persuation, selfless time management, and more patience than Ghandi. She suggests we start by laying off the gaming a little. You know, to show your girlfriend a glimpse of what your lives would be like without video games... WHAT ARE THEY - NUTS?!! You'll never hear the end of "how nice that week was". Can you tell I've tried this before? 8 times? DOESN'T WORK. But I've been digging deep down to the heart of this problem for years, and the path to righteousness is suddenly so clear to me. Let me show you the way. Let's be honest guys. Gamers aren't the most well adjusted people. We're compulsive. We don't want to casually coax women into liking games over the span of 45 years with them so they half-heartedly play some girl-friendly games ala menudo. We want them on the sofa for 13 hours straight when the new Final Fantasy comes home right there with us, asking questions, drawing maps, and cooking (somehow). Here's the truth of the situation. If you really want to change an adamantly non-gamer girl into one of us in your lifetime, you have to put aside your good graces. See that gorilla? That is your destiny and inspiration. The path to girl-altering gamer utopia is clear in my eyes: you must lie, manipulate, bribe, and be a total jerkoff. After all, you're not dating her because you appreciate her for the way she is... it's time to upgrade her ass to a next-gen version! Please allow me to share with you my own six step program. It's a flawless system that requires extreme dedication... and a small fortune.

STEP 1: STUDY ALPHA MALES

Your adventure begins by going to your local bar at 1pm on Sunday. Find the guys who are there with their wives yelling at the top of their lungs at the TV monitors with other guys doing the same, accompanied by... you guessed it - brainwashed women with shitface sheepish grins following along. Women don't like football by nature. Hell no. Pedicures and Football are polar opposites. They were conditioned into it through complex social currents, such as going to a college with a bunch of peers who thought she was weird if she didn't play along. Gamers don't have this kind of support system yet, so you really have to study these men. You'll learn that you too posses their most cherished skill - resorting to mental abuse and destroying their self esteems. Make sure she knows she's #2 when the TV is on, and don't ever back down. EVER.

In this phase, throw her off by being very aggressive BUT ALSO play a lot of Dance Dance Revolution every night and morning, and say things like "I care about our health, it's like dancing! She won't know what the hell to make of what is happening."

STEP 2: FLIP THE ARGUEMENTS ON HER

Once you've begun your campaign of alpha-manipulation, you are bound to meet some resistance, and that's expected. It will take a while to break her down... stay the course gentlemen, and reverse role play on her. Show her how nice we are that we don't mind if they disappear into the bedroom and knit all night while we protect Freeport. Make her feel awful for not spending those 4 hours with you every night leveling your mage, something so clearly important to you. Tell her that SHE doesn't understand, and SHE'S inconsiderate. You shouldn't be the only person in the household solely responsible for the future of your Xbox Live stats. It's give and take - meaning sometimes I'll give you the controller, sometimes I need you to be woman enough to take it from me. That's what relationships are supposed to be all about. And above all, threaten to go sleep at your mom's house if she doesn't listen to you.

Cry when you play Nintendogs in bed.

STEP 3: SHOWER A LOT. LIKE TEN TIMES A DAY

Disruption is a key element in any battle plan, and the confusion on her face when she sees you triple the amount of showers she takes will not only be priceless, but also highly effective in altering her mental landscape. Sure, you're the guy who can't do laundry, can't clean the dishes, can't iron your clothes, never washes his car, never cooks, never makes plans to go out, never wants to go over to her mom's house, never does the stuff she wants to do, and doesn't appreciate her - but your glimmering epidermis is impeccable. Not only are you sending mixed messages to her senses by also smelling like a fragrant ocean of dandellions and musk, you're also occupying her most visited room in the house and she is thus more likely to pick up the controller while waiting for you to shower. Tip: Just shower every time you piss.

Katamari Damacy is recommended in this phase. Keep it on at all times on pause - never off. Learn the songs and sing them around her when you are away from home. Tuck her in bed every night to the morbid but romantic lyrical stylings of Charlie Kosei's - Que Sera Sera: "I'm so in love with you, I want to roll you up into my life. Let's ball up to be a single star in the sky"

STEP 4: EMPLOY PEER PRESSURE, LITERALLY

Many men have been led to believe that women are these uber-social fountains of conversation and are not competitive. Scratch the surface and you'll quickly learn this is bullshit. Half of the conversations women are having are about how much they hate other women, and it's a fact that the majority of their gentle habits are cleverly veiled extremely competitive assaults to reign superior to their peers. Be it hair, shoes, or nails, they keep a very watchful eye on each other's behaviors and will stop at nothing to assimilate and dominate. This is precisely why you'll need to set aside thousands of dollars to employ a clique of women with better skin, bigger boobs, thinner waists, and (pay attention) *smaller* asses than your girlfriend. That is a very key implementation point - get that wrong and you're finished - start over. Her ass absolutely must be microscopic. Look for women that look uncomfortable when they are seated due to protruding ass bones. There are ass bones? Why yes, I'm sure of it. Every night, you will instruct these women to read Destructoid.com daily posts and forums to catch up with the latest trivial video game arguements. You must rent a nearby appartment for them, but not within walking distance from your house. And they will then strategically hang out at the corner Starbucks, the salad place, the dry cleaner, and the Spa your girlfriend frequents. Then surprise your girlfriend with gift certificates to these joints to force happenstance. Sooner or later your little social butterfly will cunningly eavesdrop on their conversations or better - try to get a word in. You have some liberty of what happens next. They can either crush her for being the odd one out and laugh at her a lot to crush her self esteem (more work for you later), or adopt her like a lost puppy (more expensive but better in the long run). This will bring out her inner bitchy catty persona behind the scenes and you'll start to see the changes you've been working so hard for.

Tell her you think she's ugly and you wished she looked like Karima Adebibe. If you know Photoshop, superimpose her face on a few of these photos and hide them somewhere she's likely to find "by accident". Hide any of treasured belongings in anticipation for a crazy fight after that stunt, and apologize like crazy. Even if she forgives you, the damage is so penetrating that it doesn't matter - you're golden. It's now also ok to buy Extreme Beach Volleyball and play it in front of her, she'll just leave you alone rather than face more shameful comments.

STEP 5: MAKE GAMING EXPENSIVE AND UNATTAINABLE

You won't have to worry anymore about not knowing what to buy her on holidays and anniversaries anymore. If you're smart, you'll invest in a dual pci-express capable motherboard so you can celebrate the coming together of your hearts (and more importantly QUAD-SLI) after two rounds of christmas, birthdays. Plan a future together, and by that I mean lay out a strategy to invest in a $10,000 LCD Sony Qualia TV with your the 50 launch titles of the $600 version of the Playstation 3 will ensure a harmonius relationship for years to come. Make video game shopping as fun and as expensive as Gucci purses to displace that old desire of buying things nobody under the sun can afford. She'll need something to show off to the girls, you know.

An important part of being a woman involves having expensive hobbies that make money disappear in thin air, and you have to be sensitive to that. But it's important to fight with her about it, or you'll ruin the challenge for her (as in the challenge to hide credit card bills and receipts at all times). Introduce her to incredibly expensive rare import games, but make no direct comparisons to her previous desires or she'll awaken from the trance.

STEP 6: NUKE FEMININE RESOURCES, RIP OUT HER SOUL

Have a disposable income? Stage a bad investment decision and move your funds overseas. Have lots of mirrors in the house? Break them by accident. Have Cable TV? Train your pets to chew on coaxial cables (but not RCA and HDMI cables, be stern). Book a few cruises for her parents if they are retired. Give all those old Mariam Keyes books to Goodwill. Get her new superior gamer girlfriends to brutally insult all of her old buddies that pose a threat (giving advice, coming over, being a true friend, etc - gone.) Then when she has no one but them and you, fire the team and make them vanish without a trace. Also deny their existence and burn all evidence immediately. You're getting close to the grand finale. While at it, burn every photo and object in the house that may conjure nostalia for "the old her - family photo albums, tori amos records, hair brushes - everything. She only needs some work clothes, everything else can go. If you think you can get away with it, unleash snakes in the spa or pay someone to firebomb it at night. You're almost there. The hard work is now past you now. Reward yourself by ceasing 10x shower duty and you can even relax the alpha male bit, the damage is done, she's scarred for life. It's just time to mop up the ship: Tell her you hate her family, her friends, her co-workers, the animals, the neighbors, and want nothing to do with them. Bitch about them all the time and rehash every old arguement about them, ever. Thus, you should at this point free'd up your weekends completely, have destroyed her will to live, and have left her with nothing but a house full of video games and your random ass, which she will surely prefer to avoid in favor of video games to tune out the shames of her life beyond her control.

Thanks to you, her universe is spinning out of control and is finally ripe to become a true gamer. She rejects the world around her, cannot find fun in anything else, and is crying out for virtual worlds where she could start over and she is awesome again, if only for a few moments. You've dug a gigantic hole in her personality which is ripe for assumilation by a fictional character she can identify with and channel all of her hopes and dreams into. She is now ready for deep, long term.... World of Warcraft. And she's done.

Now, I have heard of some small percentage of failures to this course. It's rare, but with the feminism disease now being spread by birds thoughout Asia you might have an unexpected challenge. And that's fine. If this program fails to produce results for you, you'll know what to do. I mean, at this point the bitch has clearly left you with no choice. Since we were kids we've been taught to handle this situation.... just do what comes natural to all of us gamers: When she's least expecting it, steal her car, *shoot her in face*, and ask her lawyer to seize your Rockstar video game collection. This will help your insanity plea and get the creditors off your back until those five big white blinking stars in the sky tell you it's ok to move on. Liked my story? Digg it!