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How Fat Princess is blatantly better than Feminism

5:20 PM on 08.03.2009 // Jim Sterling

Titan Studios' Fat Princess was released this week and, server issues aside, it's great fun. Stuffing princesses full of cake and utilizing the game's varied and fun classes makes for an incredible fun online experience. However, there are those that disapprove of Fat Princess. The controversy started shortly after the game was announced, when total feminists decided to attack the so-called "sexist" and "heteronormative" game.

It's understandable, however, why "feminists" would criticize the game. They are simply jealous because Fat Princess is blatantly better than Feminism, in every single way. Once you read this informative and insightful article, you too will understand exactly why Fat Princess has come under fire from those with envy in their eyes. 

Read on to find out how Fat Princess is superior to women's rights. 

Fat Princess does more for women than Feminism does:

Fat Princess may, at first glance through ignorant eyes, be little more than a collection of jabs and jibes at tubby women, but scholars such as you and I can look beneath the surface to see the heart of the matter. It is quite ironic that (ugly) Feminists believe looks shouldn't matter, yet are judging Fat Princess' book solely by its cover. How hypocritical of them. Anyway, Fat Princess is obviously about the protection and veneration of women, and does more for the fairer sex than Feminism has ever done. 

The titular fat princesses of the game are desirable and worshiped, no matter how they look. The loyal soldiers throw their lives away in droves for their women, protecting them at all costs. When they carry their ladies to safety, hearts surround them. The soldiers love the princesses unconditionally. Further to that, the game is about rescuing them from captivity -- women's liberation at its core!

Now you tell me, who's the real sexist in all this? A game that adores women and puts them in a position of power and desirability, or the ignorant bigots who wish for such a powerful and evocative game to go away?

I think you know the answer, my learned friends. I think you know. 

Fat Princess is honest about fat people:

If you consume more calories than you burn off, you put on weight. Simple as that. Fat Princess tells it like it is, and explains, quite simply, that if a woman sits on her arse eating cake all day, she's going to get fat. These modern-day females who think they're Feminists prefer instead to make excuses, to try and justify overeating as some sort of mental disorder or disease that we should feel sorry for. I'll grant you that, in a handful of cases, there are psychological and physiological causes of obesity -- but those are exceptions, not the rule. Most people are fat because they fucking eat. 

Worse are those "fat acceptance" types who are all, "there's nothing wrong with being fat." Ummm, yes there is. I'm fat myself, and I know there's something wrong with being fat. That's just trying to dodge accountability, which I know Americans in particular are so fond of these days. At the end of the day though, being fat is not good. It shouldn't be an effort to pick your bulking, lumbering, blubbering body out of bed every morning, and you shouldn't need an ingenious system of levers and counterweights to stand up. It's a problem, and it needs to be fixed, not encouraged.

As a fat person, 95% of my day is spent foraging for food. If I can't grow crops in the back yard, I hunt for animals (usually wounded animals, like three legged foxes or something, because I'm very fat and thus can't run properly) or forage in wooded areas or people's trash. Being fat, there's nothing I like more than ordering about fifteen pizzas, taking them shamefully upstairs and then dumping them in the bathtub so I can get naked, leap in and just roll around like a gruesome, decadent pig, wallowing in my own sickening gluttony while pouring carbonated liquids all over my sweating, sauce-coated form, burping as I do it. Feminists need to accept that they all do this as well.

Fat Princess doesn't use words like "heteronormative":

"Heteronormative" is one of the most pretentious words I've ever heard. This is obvious proof that Fat Princess is better than Feminism, since someone who claims to be a Feminist once used the word "heteronormative" and now I've decided that all of them use it. Dropping little made-up words to try and sound clever just makes you look like a pretentious dickhead, and it's incredibly prugamatic to commit such indefenderable verbulascur offenseries.

Fat Princess, unlike Feminism, isn't pretentious. It's a game about a princess who is fat, and you don't get more honest and down-to-earth than that. It uses real words that have clear definitions, not terms invented in the nineties for students to mis-use in a bit to get their convoluted and meaningless points across. Also, Firefox's spell checker doesn't recognize heteronormative as a word, so it definitely doesn't exist, probably.

Fat Princess looks better:

If you've not played Fat Princess, you must have surely seen screenshots by now. Just check out this very article, and you can see the beautiful, cel-shaded graphics and instantly gratifying cartoon art style. There is no  doubt that Fat Princess is one gorgeous game, perhaps among the best looking downloadable titles to ever hit a home console. 

Now let's take a look at the average Feminist:

Yikes! Not quite as good, right? You must now surely see my side of the argument. This is biological fact science we're throwing at you now! 

Fat Princess won't get pregnant in order to trap you:

Everybody knows that women do this. They love getting themselves all preganted up so that they can force you to marry them and be stuck with their cancerous hides forever. Fat Princess is quite unlike anything else involving females, in that it won't ruin your life. You can have fun with it for a night and then ditch it if you like, never to worry about any messy and awkward repercussions. Perhaps if women were to make things that easy, they'd have less "accidents" at home. 

Fat Princess also won't make you fall in love with it and then decide it's a lesbian at the last minute the bitch and you won't spend the nights following her home and clawing at her door in the dead of night while whinnying like a sad pony and she won't move house and you won't pose as a social worker in order to find her new address and you won't find it and knock on the door where her slut girlfriend answers and you won't try and strangle the girlfriend until her gargling screams wake up the neighbors and they won't come and drag you off her and won't then kick the shit out of you and then the cops won't arrive and they won't drag you to jail and you won't get a restraining order and you won't carve wooden effigies of that lesbian fucking bitch cocking bitch which you won't throw the effigy (with needles stuck in the eyes) against a wall that you won't cover in your own shit and piss and blood that fucking whore I need you Susan.

Fat Princess promotes equality:

In Fat Princess, everybody has a role to play. This is quite contrary to the idea that every single Feminist has, that women are better than men and make better drivers and that men should be forced to have their sperm hijacked at birth so women don't have to fuck them anymore. This is something I'm pretty sure they probably think, making this point valid. 

Seriously, fuck this idea that the social pendulum has to swing a little in favor of one group before balance can be achieved. Fat Princess smashes this damp and fuzzy liberal thinking by proving that there's a role for everybody in society, provided they work at it. Not good at fighting? Be a healer. Don't want to get into the thick of battle? Become a worker and chop wood. Fat Princess proves that if we all work together as equals, we can achieve our goals. So much for the divisive, reactionary "us versus them" bullshit espoused by your typical Feminist ogre. Fat Princess says that equality works. Feminists do not.

Fat Princess doesn't want to take my delicious pornography away:

Anybody with sense knows that pornography is brilliant. Since women are basically just 3D porn, what is an anti-pornography stance if not an anti-female stance? In essence, Feminists who hate pornography hate women by definition, since it's women that make porn the proud and multi-billion dollar institution that it is today.

If pornography is to end, then all women on Earth have to be murdered, and that's just not my scene. Perhaps it's okay for Adolf Hitler and his cackling Feminist cohorts, but we reasonable people who aren't Nazis don't agree. Fat Princess has never once promoted the systematic extermination of women, which is what Feminists have basically done with their close-minded, chauvinistic hatred of such fine films as Look Who's Porking, Schindler's Jizzed, The Bourne Cunts Piracy, Sindiana Bones and the Crystal Skullfuck, The Diary of Anne Wank, Planes, Trains & Auto Asphyxiation, Illegal Aliens vs. Sexual Predator and Masturbate Gays Later

Nobody's taking my fucking porno away from me!

Fat Princess has a sense of humor:

Fat Princess is a game about having fun, first and foremost, which is something that Feminists are 100% against! Just take so-called Woman Suffrage , for example. The American government denied women the right to vote for a joke, and a bunch of stupid women took it too far and then had to be force-fed through tubes because the silly bitches wouldn't eat thanks to some idiotic hunger strike. If they'd have laughed along like they should, they probably would have gotten the vote in another fifty or sixty years anyway. Whatever happened to patience being a virtue?

The team at Titan Studios made a fun, funny game without worrying about whether or not some hypersensitive retards would get upset and look for evidence of misogyny that simply isn't there. The kind of people that think Kung Fu Panda is offensive because it makes jokes about the body size of an anthropomorphic bear (this has actually happened, by the way). If the human race had spent its time worrying about offending people, we'd have never evolved being eating bits of raw cow in a cave. We'd never have progressed as a society. 

Feminists are so unable to take a joke, they'd probably find themselves legitimately offended by the obvious trolling flamebait of some random videogame blogger who pumps out list columns in order to reap some quick and easy pageviews. Not that we'd ever approve of that.

Jim Sterling, Former Reviews Editor
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Destructoid reviews editor, responsible for running and maintaining the cutting edge videogame critique that people ignore because all they want to see are the scores at the end. Also a regular f... more   |   staff directory

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