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How Bayonetta is blatantly hotter than your girlfriend

4:00 PM on 10.11.2009 // Jim Sterling
  @JimSterling

Any man with a sane penis will acknowledge that Bayonetta, star of Platinum Games' Bayonetta, is the hottest female to have ever been invented. From the sexy giraffe legs to those prim-yet-sultry librarian specs, Bayonetta is the kind of woman that every female should aspire to be, and that every man should aspire to be inside. Even gay ones.

However, some of you have decided to be wrong about this issue, and have attempted to argue instead that Bayonetta is not hot. She obviously is, and anybody who feels otherwise is a steaming retard or a eunuch with no sense of what is or isn't sexually attractive. Bayonetta is hotter than your girlfriend. In fact, she's so much hotter than your girlfriend that, even if you don't have a girlfriend, she still manages to be hotter than her. Yes, Bayonetta is so sexy, she manages to look better than things that don't even exist. 

Don't believe me? Well, IDIOT, take off your Ignorance Shirt and lay on the Beach of Knowledge, because you're about to soak up some Fact Rays from the Truth Sun. Don't forget to apply the Sunscreen of Shut Up & Pay Attention To Me. It's time to learn a thing or two about sexiness.

She technically walks around naked ALL THE TIME:

Tell me, does your girlfriend walk around naked? Everywhere she goes? Even at Walmart, where she definitely works? I didn't think so. Bayonetta, saucy little strumpet that she is, is naked throughout the entire game. Her "suit" is actually her hair, flowing from her head and wrapping around her body to give the illusion of clothing. She didn't have to do that. She's just doing it because she loves being naked. That's hot, and if you disagree then you ought to be castrated because you don't deserve to have a sex drive. 

I know some of you may believes that having a body covered in hair is disgusting, but screw you! In fact ...

Having a suit made of hair is actually hot and not disgusting:

Singer/musician Amanda Palmer is quite hot. Singer/musician Amanda Palmer also doesn't shave. Like, at all. However, she still manages to be hot somehow, despite all this. Since being hairy should be unattractive, yet Amanda Palmer is still awesome looking, I can only surmise that she's hot BECAUSE of the hair. Therefore, hair suits are hot. I have arrived at this conclusion by using Sex Logic.

Sex Logic is a special type of logic that men use in order to justify sexual behavior. Such as, "It's not bestiality if the dog's wearing people clothes," or, "It's not rape if you keep your eyes closed while doing it," and the classic, "It's not gay if you kill and eat him afterwards." Using this beautiful logic, I can come up with a brand new validation: It's not disgusting hair sex if Amanda Palmer is still alive. 

Ergo, she is still hotter than your stupid hairless girlfriend who shaves her vagina bald so that it looks like a baby's snatch, which is probably something you get off on. 

She kills angels:

Angels are the antipathy of hot. Even the big-boobed naked ones. They're all too busy playing stupid harps and telling God how brilliant he is. Anybody who fantasizes about having sex with an angel is officially an idiot. Firstly because they don't exist, and secondly because having sex with an angel would be like having sex with a corpse. They'll just lie there, daydreaming about how lovely Heaven is and thanking Jesus for the blessed experience. DESPICABLE!

Bayonetta, on the other hand, has a fever, and the only cure is more dead angels. She actually says that in the game. To kill an angel, you have to be pretty badass, and everybody knows that badass things are sexy. When is the last time your minger of a girlfriend killed an angel, huh? Never, because they don't exist, IDIOT! The only thing your girlfriend kills is the sexual tension, because she is so NOT sexy! The stupid fucking bitch.

Bayonetta's based on actual supermodel proportions:

One of the major criticisms I've heard about Bayonetta comes from whining morons who think that her proportions are all wrong: "Oh waaaah, her head is too small," and, "Oh waaaaaaah, her legs are too long." These people obviously haven't seen supermodels, the pinnacle of human conditioning. According to Platinum Games, Bayonetta's design was based upon real-life models, meaning that she is not only sensibly proportioned, she is also based upon the hottest examples of physical perfection in the world. 

Face it, supermodels are gorgeous. Sure, they look a bit like Skeletor and the devestation after years of drug abuse is all too apparent on their dead, embittered faces but ... but actually they're not attractive at all. Yet Bayonetta IS! This actually proves just how beautiful Bayonetta is, if you think about it for as long as I have. If you're based on a disgusting skeletal supermodel and are STILL attractive at the end of the day, you must really be fucking sexy. 

Sexier than your anorexic, piece-of-shit girlfriend anyway.

She will gyrate her hips on command, for free:

Your girlfriend (who works at a strip club because she's skanky and needs cash for her drugs and STI treatment) demands money in exchange for hip gyration. Bayonetta, however, will do it for free. Simply hold down the taunt button and she'll start to work her saucy magic, swaying, thrusting and generally doing all the things you have pay "real" women to do. If all the girls of this world would simply sex it up when they were told to, then the world would be a much better place.

Do you think Adolf Hitler would have embarked on a campaign of mass genocide if women were gyrating their hips on command? Of course he wouldn't, he'd be too busy tossing one off. However, because all women are frigid cunts, he had nothing better to do than murder Das Juden. In a way, all women are responsible for the Holocaust, just like they're responsible for getting mankind kicked out of the Garden of Eden. The whores.

So, because your girlfriend caused The Holocaust, Bayonetta is hotter than her. It's simple mathematics, really. 

Bayonetta has guns strapped to her feet:

Seriously, what more evidence do you need? As if the previous examples have not already convinced you to dump your girlfriend and marry a videogame character like everybody in Japan has done, then this surely must seal the deal. Bayonetta has guns strapped to her feet, and she can do a handstand and start sharpshooting like a sexy Revolver Ocelot. If that isn't sexy, I don't want to know what is.  

She can summon BDSM devices at will:

One of the coolest things about Bayonetta is the fact that players can perform Torture Attacks when enemies are sufficiently weakened. These are execution kills in which Bayonetta summons a brutal device such as an iron maiden or guillotine in order to humiliate and ultimately eviscerate her foes. The idea is that Bayonetta uses her sordid imagination to conjure whatever she wants and this, my friends, is the kinky beauty of the situation. 

Bayonetta, theoretically, can create any form of sexy torture device from thin air, and since she's clearly a sexual sadist, you can be sure that your eroticl liason would be fucking awesome. Just imagine the kind of fetishistic sex implements she could summon: Clamps, cattle prods, racks, ball spreaders, steel bondage fist mitts, prison stockades (with optional fucking rods), spiked head rings, anal hooks, doggy style figure eight locks, rectal inflation syringes, grundle ticklers, minge munglers, underhanded pimmle holes, nipple evacuators, fungler quiversticks, and of course, Dr. Tsung's All-American Piss Harness. 

Normal sex is for imbeciles. 

She doesn't look like Sarah Palin.

She just bloody doesn't!

You can press her buttons anytime:

Unlike your sexually unresponsive cow of a girlfriend, Bayonetta welcomes you to press her buttons at any time. In fact, one cool aspect of the game is that no matter what button combination you use during combat, she will always do something cool. Bayonetta is obviously a woman who will respond to any and all imput, and the results will always be pleasurable. 

Even better, Bayonetta has an "Easy Automatic" mode in which gamers can play with one hand. The masturbation connotations are obvious here, but it's worth noting. Most girlfriend are flaky prudes that assume a man will stop chugging out the liquid silk as soon as he gets in a relationship. This is untrue, and at least Bayonetta understands it. She is better than your naive and pathetic other half. 

Just fucking look at her!:

It's blatantly obvious. One look at her and you can tell she looks better than your ridiculous bitch of a troll woman. She is better in every single conceivable way. Her accent is better. Her glasses are better. Her white gloves are better. Everything about her makes your girlfriend look like that metal-legged spider from DOOM. Also, your girlfriend's been sleeping around like a proper slut. That's why she keeps saying she's "too sore" at night. She's been fucking your friends. 

So there you have it. Conclusive proof that your relationship is unfulfilled and pathetic and that unless you're shagging Bayonetta, you can't rightly claim to ever had real sex.  I hope you have read this article carefully and quite rightly feel ashamed of yourself for ever thinking you had the fucking nerve to possess a shred of self respect. 

Bayonetta is hotter than your girlfriend. Blatantly.



Jim Sterling, Former Reviews Editor
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Destructoid reviews editor, responsible for running and maintaining the cutting edge videogame critique that people ignore because all they want to see are the scores at the end. Also a regular f... more   |   staff directory

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