12:45 PM on 01.21.2007
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Hour of Power number two comes to you with unfortunate tidings: you may not be aware of this, but when you were just this high, Nintendo wanted you, and bad. No, wait -- not you, but mostly your parents' bank account numbers and credit cards, rather. Like most multimillion dollar enterprises, Nintendo had positioned its key franchises to be subject to all kinds of merchandising, most of which you might remember in one form or another. But did you know that Nintendo of America once released a catalog detailing its entire line of outsourced Nintendo merch by way of the creepiest living rooms ever photographed? They did. It's like Robert Summa's own personal hell made real. 
Imagine it: a world where all things are Nintendo. Your clothes are Nintendo, your sleeping bags and bedsheets are Nintendo, and your dog is surgically recontructed into some kind of hulking, freakish pseudo-Goomba. This is the world that Nintendo envisioned, illustrated in horrifying detail within the pages of this circa-1990 catalog. Any readers who have heart conditions, weak constitutions or are otherwise easily unsettled ought to turn off their computers, hide beneath their beds, and pray for a world in which the following prophecies of a swiftly encroaching and terrible doom do not come to pass. On the other hand, if the idea of a Nintendo-branded world makes you want to do a handstand next to your Super Mario sippy-cup, check the scans for a glimpse into the future that might've been.
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21 comments + 95764 views
Ah the golden age of merchandising, how I miss your cheesy wares
That is weird. Why would they sell Super Mario Bros. food of all things from a catalogue? You can tell the food isn't going to be very good when it comes in the mail in 6-8 weeks. And did I see a Super Mario "Nut Roll" in there, or have I gone completely insane?
Also: ugliest living room ever, hands down
Y'know, I was one of the sad little pandas who wanted about 90% of this shit when I was a kid. Holy crap this brings back memories.
Thank God that the 90's are over . . .
http://www.progressiveboink.com/archive/nintendocat/1.htm
Click the link above for an awesome parody of said catalog.
http://www.progressiveboink.com/archive/nintendocat/1.htm
fucking inability to edit older comments... >.>
Sweet Jesus I want that red cuordoroy jumpsuit with the racing checkers.
I want the Nintendo sweats. Bad.
DDR prelude pic FTW
those track pants are tubular!!!
That's fucking horrible!!!
Still, I have a strange urge to... "Organise my power play" lol
I once owned the SMB version of the punchout jacket that kid is wearing. My parents probably threw it away or something. :O
You should put that ProgressiveBoink link in the article; it's really good.
Then again, it looks like their server is almost getting fried as it is...
There's probably some cool ass t-shirts and stuff in there, but I just can't see it through all the garish colours, disturbing hairstyles and creepy poses. Oh, and all of that shitty, shitty merchandise. "Thank God that the 90's are over . . ." QFT.
Nintendo is so gay. Only thing I owned in there was the 1990 calander and it was a gift.
I saw the parody site a few months ago. Hilarious.
"Biff Tannen suddenly appears in your den, and he wants to show off his Bruce Lee fighting poses!"
"Even hardcore rap artist Vanilla Ice likes to kick back with quality Nintendo products."
The sad thing is that there are people living in mom's attic whose rooms still look like that.
Though I can't deny that I totally had that Nintendo Power sweatshirt in the sixth grade.
the kid on the powerpad in the 3rd picture looks way too much like me. its scary.
I have that Legend of Zelda trunk that in picture 4 in my closet...it's actually pretty awesome, I found it at a flea market for 10 bucks...I didn't even know it was an official Nintendo product. Some of the pant and jean jackets are just horrible.
Seriously, if I found any of that stuff nowadays, I would buy it and keep it. Well, maybe not the briefs. But the patches and the crate and things like that? Neat-o.
That SMB2 (still my favorite 2d Mario) wall clock is pretty sweet!
I am still waiting for the microsoft fall line to come out. I cannot wait for the new M$ air Sneakers either.
HAM VAGINA
I have made a drawing for you.
http://diversionmary.com/gallery/taskpad/akr
noodle dolphin serenades ham vagina
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