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In most cases, fan fiction is always horrible. Sometimes though, they are so horrible, they end up being hilarious. Take for instance this fan fiction for Half-Life written by a 6-year-old. Yes, that's right, a 6-year-old wrote this up. Something this horrible though would be tough to read without having to facepalm over a dozen times. Thanks to YouTuber Djy1991, he took this fan fiction and created a hilarious video to go with it. Thank God for Garry's Mod!
 
Watch on as John Freeman, brother of Gordon Freeman, as he tries to help Gordon fight for survival against the bad guys. Full transcript of the fan fiction is after the jump. 
 
[Update: So as it turns out, this is old. But the video is brand new so shut up and enjoy it.]  

[Spotted on Andrex's C-Blog.]

John Freeman who was Gordon Freemans brother was one day in an office typing on a computer. He got an email from his brother that said that aliens and monsters were attacking his place and aksed him for help so he went.
John Freeman got his computer shut down and wet on the platform to go up to the roof of the building where he left his motorcycle and normal people close because he was in his office lab coat. John Freeman got on his motorcycl and said "its time for me to live up to my family name and face full life consequences" so he had to go.
John Freeman ramped off the building and did a backflip and landed. He kept driving down the road and made sure there was no zombies around because he ddint have weapon.
The contrysides were nice and the plants were singing and the birds and the sun was almost down from the top of the sky. the mood was set for John Freemans quest to help his brother where he was. John Freeman looked around the countrysides and said "its a good day to do what has to be done by me and help my brother to defeat the enemys".
John Freeman was late so he had to drive really fast. A cop car was hiden near by so when John Freeman went by the cops came and wanted to give him a ticket. Here John Freeman saw the first monster because the cop was posessed and had headcrabs.
"I cant give you my lisense officer" John Freeman said
"Why not?" said the headcrab oficer back to John Freeman.
"Because you are headcrab zombie" so John Freeman shot the oficer in the head and drove off thinking "my brother is in trouble there" and went faster.
John Freeman had to go faster like the speed of sound and got there fast because Gordon needed him where he was. John Freeman looked at road signs and saw "Ravenholm" with someons writing under it saying "u shudnt come here" so John Freeman almost turned around but heard screaming like Gordon so he went faster again.
John Freeman drove in and did another flip n jumped off his motorbike and the motor bike took out some headcrab zombies infront of John Freeman. John Freeman smiled and walked fast. John Freeman then looked on the ground and found wepon so he pickd it up and fired fast at zombie goasts in front of a house.
John Freeman said "Zombie goasts leave this place" and the zombie goasts said "but this is our house" and John Freeman felt sorry for them becaus they couldnt live there anymore because they were zombie goasts so he blew up the house and killed the zombie goasts so they were at piece.
Then John Freeman herd another scream from his brother so he kept walking really faster to get where he was. Ravenholdm was nothing like the countrysides there was no birds singing and the pants were dead and teh dirt was messy and bloody from headcrabs.
When John Freeman got to where the screaming was started from he found his brother Gorden Freeman fightin the final bosss and Gordon said "John Freeman! Over here!" so John Freeman went there to where Gordon Freeman was fighting. John Freeman fired his bullet from teh gun really fast and the bullets went and shot the final boss in the eyes and the final boss couldnt see.
Gordon Freeman said "its time to end this ones and for all!" and punched the final boss in the face and the final boss fell. John Freeman said "thanks i could help, bro" and Gordon Freeman said "you should come here earlier next time" and they laughed.
The laughed overed quickly though because John Freeman yelled "LOOK OUT BRO!" and pointed up to the top of the sky. Gordon Freeman looked up and said "NOO! John Freeman run out of here fast as you can!" and John Freeman walked real fast out.
John Freeman loked back and saw Gordon get steppd on by the next boss and he was mad and angry.
"I'll get you back evil boss!" John Freeman yelled at the top of lungs.
to be continued..?

Continue: More Valve stories





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next 50 comments

81 comments | showing # 1 to 50

Eschatos's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 20:39
Eschatos
Did he run that whole thing through Speakonia, or does he just naturally sound like a robot?
Andrex's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 20:40
Andrex
Awesome Hamza! now they can all see the video!
Magesx's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 20:44
Magesx
This is like, 2 years old, guys.

GET WITH THE INTERNET, GUYS.
Dexter345's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 20:45
Dexter345
Hahahah... There were some lol moments in there. Kids are dumb.
Aertyr's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 20:49
Aertyr
A Half life story with old but still good laugh(sequences?). I wonder if I can pull off making lifesequences a word on urban dictionary... oh well. Still a great video.
Magesx's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 20:51
Magesx
I TOTALLY BEAT YOU, CHIEFTAN.

BEATAN GAEMS.
Copyright 2008 Agent Chieftain's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 20:54
Copyright 2008 Agent Chieftain
NO MAGESX, YOU ARE THE DEMONS.
MissHinasaki's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 20:54
MissHinasaki
Damn. That kid writes well for 6...
Wedge's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:00
Wedge
Gary's Mod wins again.
Wedge's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:01
Wedge
Seriously though. A six year old that can play Half Life?
Andrex's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:04
Andrex
Apparently so..which reminds me.. my English writing was actually this bad before my english education..
WastelandTraveler's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:06
WastelandTraveler
that was the most amazing thing I had ever seen hahahaha.
greks224's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:08
greks224
I laughed so hard at that.
Bluefusion's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:08
Bluefusion
OLD for you but NEW for me.

I don't think I've laughed this hard in a while. And, where did John Freeman get the gun to shoot the headcrab officer? Time paradox, I say!
13thDragon's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:11
13thDragon
Oh my god that was hilarious. I hadn't heard of if before, either.
AgentMOO's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:11
AgentMOO
fucking wow. amazing video is!
MissHinasaki's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:12
MissHinasaki
I wish that was my child. I would be proud!
BFeld13's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:12
BFeld13
That was hilarious.
vexed alex's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:17
vexed alex
...A 6 tear old wrote this? Not too bad, I must say,

LULZ.
Fleet3000's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:23
Fleet3000
a-mazing. made my night.
Silverhertz's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:23
Silverhertz
If I aint seen it, its new to me! Stiches, i was in.
DJP3DRO's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:24
DJP3DRO
How come all CTZ posts lately are things that he "knows are old"?
Cheeburga's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:26
Cheeburga
WiiSucks did this right?
Colette Bennett's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:39
Colette Bennett
Can't wait to see you guys try to comment "old" at Tomopop. ^__^
s0lesurviv0r's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:40
s0lesurviv0r
It's new to me, so are my split sides.
Sharpless's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:43
Sharpless
That was the most brilliant thing I've seen since the last brilliant thing I've seen.
Andrex's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:47
Andrex
@ Orion

I have a better hat them him
PrinceofCannedPeaches's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:56
PrinceofCannedPeaches
That is... that is wonderful. Also, I am insulted.
Hamza CTZ Aziz's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 21:57
Hamza CTZ Aziz
How come all CTZ posts lately are things that he "knows are old"?

What the hell are you talking about? Also, I updated the post to say it's old after Chieftan's comment. How come you can't reads?
FreePablo's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 22:06
FreePablo
That 6-year-old writes better than 100% of the 23-year-old fan fiction writers out there. Plus the gratuitous back-flip off the building was pretty sweet.
dorock's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 22:17
dorock
Still a better script than any Uwe Boll Movie.
Justin Villasenor's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 22:21
Justin Villasenor
STILL GENIUS
Necros's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 22:24
Necros
And Gordon Freeman was a zombie.
king3vbo's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 22:31
king3vbo
That is quite possibly the funniest thing I have ever seen.

No John Freeman, you are the zombies
c0dek's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 22:36
c0dek
John Freeman has REAL ULTIMATE POWER
NihonTiger90's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 22:37
NihonTiger90
The video is hilarious. I love it!
Aksumka's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 22:38
Aksumka
That was terribly funny.
the vinny club's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 22:50
the vinny club
its time to end this ones and for all!
Copyright 2008 Agent Chieftain's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 22:50
Copyright 2008 Agent Chieftain
Half-Life: Full-life Consequences 2: What Has Tobe Done

John Freeman walked like speed of light back to his motorcycl and left behind the bad place behind him. John Freeman had to ride his motorcycle really fast back to the office but John Freemans gas ran out. John Freeman jumped fast off the motorcycle and landed on dead peoples hands.

"Gordon Freeman is now these hands... i must kill the next boss and live up to full-life consequences!" John Freeman said out loud.

John Freeman picked up a laser gun and aimed it at trees to see if he could. John Freeman shot and tree fell down in front of him. John Freeman seen eggs fall out of the tree and he put them back home safe.

"These birds dont have to see Gordon Freeman yet. its not time." John Freeman said to him.

John Freeman had to walked faster and was back at his office work and on a computer. He looked on the internet and found the next boss.

"I know his weakness now" John Freeman said. And after that he got emails from someone. John Freeman opened up the emails and read them.

"Dear John Freeman, how are you? I miss you at home come home safe and soon with Gordon Freeman for thanksgiving dinner. Love mom." John Freeman looked at it and got sad and yelled "I WILL KILL THE BOSS AND GORDON FREEMAN WILL BE HAPPY SOUL!" then he turned on off the computer and wet on the platform again down to his other more faster motorcycle that had gas in it this time.

John Freeman put the laser gun on his motorcycle and his machine gun and his rocket gun that he found on the side of the motorcycle. He went through traffic and went fast like litning to back to Ravenholm and back to the bad place where Gordon Freeman was. John Freeman went off road and did backflips and landed on back wheels but kept going too.

John Freeman went really fast again like before and was soon back again at Ravenholm but saw more zombie goasts. John Freeman said to them "Zombie goasts i have killed your friends at the old house and i dont want to shoot your heads. move near the countrysides and you will be friends of John Freeman." The zombie goasts said that "no we will kill you" and walked fast to John Freemans motorcycle. John Freeman waited until they were in front of his motorcycle and backflipped off his bars and shot heads below and landed and walked fast to where the next boss was.

"you will be one of us!" yelled the dead zombie goasts. John Freeman laughed and shot a rocket at them.

John Freeman saw the next boss far down the road and walked slow this time. He walked really slow like a turtle and sat down on a rock and watched the next boss near the dead last boss and where the place that Gordon Freeman was. The next boss was laughing at John Freeman so John Freeman said "YOU WILL NOT LAUGH AT ME!" and shot a rocket at him since that was his weakness.

The next boss died and John Freeman was happy. He walked over to the dead bosses and put them under the ground and planted pants on them so instead of messy dirt and dark there was pretty things there now to be happy.

John Freeman walked to where Gordon Freeman was lying dead and crushed from the next bosss feet and looked down. A tear droped out of John Freemans eye and landed on Gordon Freeman.

"You are dead bro and i killed the evil boss." John Freeman told Gordon Freeman

Then John Freeman saw something bad. A headcrab was on Gordon Freeman! Gordon Freeman standed up and said "John Freeman... you got here slow and now i am zombie goast. you will pay..."

to be continued...?
Paul Soth's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 22:51
Paul Soth
Guest starring Adam Savage as Gorden Freeman.
Copyright 2008 Agent Chieftain's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 22:52
Copyright 2008 Agent Chieftain
Also, the complete works of "squirrelking".

May as well post them all, they're all damn hilarious.

You've posted Repercussions of Evil already, right?
Gamechamp's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 22:55
Gamechamp
I remember reading it.

The video version just makes it so much more epic lawl.
Hamza CTZ Aziz's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 22:57
Hamza CTZ Aziz
Chieftain: YOu just opened up a whole new world to me. No, link me to the Evil one please.
Weighted Companion Cube's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 23:07
Weighted Companion Cube
Go John Frohman! Err, I mean, Freeman. Haha.


Motorcycle is wincycle. I want me one.
LeonSK's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 23:12
LeonSK
So, is John Freeman going to be the main character for HL Episode 3? I reeally hope so!
Ichigo Style's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 23:18
Ichigo Style
Old video is old... the older versions are a bit easier to follow, sans the awful background music, and plus the funny illustration.
Slaughterhouse Five's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 23:22
Slaughterhouse Five
I laughed so hard I cried.
liquidninja's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/23/2008 23:46
liquidninja
This is almost as good as Zero Wing.
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