Hey, dickheads! Left 4 Dead is NOT Halo

6:49 PM on 12.07.2008   |   Jim Sterling

280 comments

Like many members of the Destructoid staff, I am finding constant enjoyment from Left 4 Dead. While it's not a game of the year contender for me, I certainly can't deny that it's a lot of fun, and one of the best co-op experiences I've ever played.

Unfortunately, I don't PC game. I've just never been comfortable with a mouse and keyboard setup when I game, even when it comes to first person shooters. As such, I bought the Xbox 360 version of Left 4 Dead and have, on the whole, been enjoying the title non-stop.

That is, until the day YOU assholes discovered it. I'm talking to you, the generic, uninteresting, stereotypical moron who ends up polluting every Xbox Live game with your Halo-drenched presence. The complete dickhead who makes it his ambition to turn Xbox Live into the inner city basketball court he's too much of a pussy to hang out at in real life. 

Xbox Live players, be warned -- Left 4 Dead is not Halo.

Let me explain this for you in a way you might understand: Imagine if Halo was NOT about calling each other "fag" and you actually had to help each other to win. I know the idea of co-operating with another human being is difficult to conceive for socially retarded fucknuts like you, but do try and have an imagination for once in your life. If your beer-addled redneck brain can conjure up this picture, then you're partway to realizing what Left 4 Dead is all about.

Whether you are playing Campaign or Versus, the idea of L4D is to work as a team. Mutual survival is key, and if you let one of your members die, then you are at an instant disadvantage. Team kills, abandoning fellow survivors, wasting your time shouting obscenities on your headset -- that is not how you win at Left 4 Dead. The early game adopters actually had this apparently difficult concept figured out, but it now it seems like all the pricks have discovered this game and are attempting to devolve it into the puerile garbage they're more comfortable with.

Sure, it might seem like fun to use the forced friendly fire to "screw over" another player, but if you're shooting your own teammates, you're basically shooting yourself. I tried playing L4D yesterday, and every single round of versus I played was full of selfish morons who either shot their team members and ran away laughing, or refused to help those caught by special infected. 

Inevitably, the selfish would be next to die.

You are a fucking moron if you think that you can turn Left 4 Dead into just another shooter, and that's the problem with the game on Xbox Live. Most Live players are so devoid of original thought that they cannot begin to comprehend a game that isn't a straight deathmatch, and are trying to turn other videogames into just another round of Halo. The "people" I address seem unable to grasp the idea that you don't play Left 4 Dead this way. The very fact that you mongs try to survive after decimating the rest of the team, so confident that one man can take on an army of zombies, is rather pathetic. You are not Master Chief. Zombies can and will annihilate you.

I blame myself, almost. I should know by now that you people are a ludicrous self parody, as predictable as you are numerous. But even a dog can learn things with enough training. Why can't you creatures -- who claim to be human -- do the same? 

You don't even have to read the manual to work out how Left 4 Dead's versus mode works. If you're playing as survivors, then every single hit that an enemy player lands on you is a point for that opponent. Yet you are too busy thinking about individual "glory" that you will happily let your own team dangle from Smoker tongues or get raped to shittery by a Hunter, so long as YOU get to the safehouse, like it's a fucking race. Of course, if you DO survive long enough to get to a safehouse on your own -- something I am yet to see -- you naturally lose anyway because you get more points for having all survivors make it to the end. I can only assume that, the more you lose, the more you actually THINK you are winning. You're so fucking stupid.

The gameplay is so easy to grasp that even fucking Forrest fucking Gump could fucking do it. But you can't manage it. You cannot understand what a fucking trainable could comprehend.  

This is something I have noticed with all games on Xbox Live. While I am not denying that PC gaming has its fair share of griefers and disrupters, there is something about console gaming that seems to draw them out in droves, like a pipe bomb does to a mass of infected. My very first game of Halo was a shocker, as I found myself muting every single player on there for some idiotic statement or other. It's a wretched hive of scum and villainy, and all you who participate don't even realize how retarded you sound.

The worst part is that you can't just stick to Halo with all the other fratboys and hicks and self-declared "niggaz". Whether you're screaming "Go play Viva Piñata" in Gears of War or declaring someone to be a "nigger faggot" in Call of Duty, the very fact that you try and turn EVERY Xbox 360 game into a Halo experience, even if everyone else in the game is uninterested in your bullshit, is laughably pitiful. The very fact that you try so hard to recreate the Bungie experience marks you out as a truly pathetic individual.  

So that's what you've turned Left 4 Dead into on the Xbox 360. Yet ANOTHER forum for you to grief each other and hurl playground insults around. Because having one game to do that in just wasn't enough.  

Well done, cunts.