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The heroes of our time are often thought to be presidents, celebrities who “accidentally” show a bit of side boob, and Jim Sterling*, but to this I must reply: poppycock. There is only one hero that you need to be concerned with, for the triumph of this impressive figure is far greater than even a project lead, developer, artist, or that guy who they hire to say stupid shit to get press.
He is the pinnacle of brilliance. The apex of acumen. The king of entertainment.
He is the guy who writes dialogue for random unnamed JRPG characters who do nothing but stand in one place all day.
Imagine, for a moment, a world without NPCs. You, the greatest hero the world has ever known, stride into a town made up of various shops, an inn, and maybe two or three houses. Yet aside from the owners of these establishments, who are quick to complain about their lack of wares and dearth of customers, there is no one in sight. Captainless boats are moored to empty docks, and streets are lined with nothing but poorly rendered plants. It’s a world that no one wants to live in -- not even NPCs.
Imagine perhaps a nightmare even worse: a world filled with lifeless shells. Bodies stand comatose at the edges of homes, refusing to acknowledge you as you mash in vain upon the action button. Speech is but a dream for the unblessed inhabitants, for the creator was never tasked with the most noble of undertakings. Free will is but a dream in this universe, and all words are predestined. Is, then, the dialogue writer not God himself?
Luckily, this is not a question that we must concern ourselves with. As unwavering as the presence of clichéd forces of evil and the acquisition of an airship at 76% completion, we know that these frumpy, soulless, unmoving creatures will always have
something to offer in the way of unspoken elocution.
It is time that we honor the creators of these literary triumphs that grace our screens hundreds -- even thousand -- of times in a single RPG. Imagine the sheer number of man hours that these characters demand. Do these people not deserve acclaim of the highest degree.
No, you say? Perhaps you have yet to see the sheer brilliance penned by these wordsmiths. The exhibits below are undeniable pieces of evidence proving the divine inspiration of the dialogue writer.
“I tried cooking a stew, but I don’t think I used enough spices. I guess I’ll just have to throw it out.”
“The empire seems to know what it is doing, but sometimes I think that they don’t know what’s best for the people.”
“Woof! Woof woof ruff! Ruff…meow?”
“I’m sorry, but I’m very busy right now. I don’t have time to talk. I was just on my way to the inn to see a friend of mine who came across the Sea of Iltrobia by way of ship, and I have prepared a meat pie to welcome him. So, as you can see, I’m very busy and have no time to talk.
“…”
“Wow, you’re that guy who is about to save the world. Want to play with me and my dog?”
“This is a really beautiful garden. In fact, I think I’ll stand here and look at it until I die of starvation, which may or may not be sometime during your 70-hour playthrough.”
“I’m standing in front of this door so you can’t get in. Nope, I don’t have any good reason to do this.”
“Oh god, I think I’m dying. This is it for me.” “Oh god, I think I’m dying. This is it for me.” “Oh god, I think I’m dying. This is it for me.” “Oh god, I think I’m dying. This is it for me.”
Just try to deny the power of the dialogue creator now! It’s clear that these poets deserve our respect, money, and perhaps ovaries. While we may never know the names of these champions, let us all, right now, raise our favorite drink to them, for they are the true heroes of our time.
In conclusion, I’ve prepared a song for the occasion. I hope you will drunkenly sing it with me.
Here's to you, random-JRPG-dialogue-writer-man Rest forever, here in our hearts The first and last line of dialogue is yours Banality is your triumph *
for the record, I feel it is important to clarify that I have no grievances with either Jim Sterling or side boob.
Contest:
7:00 PM on 10.13.2009
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"Welcome to the Town of Assaram"
Shorts are significantly easier to wear than, say, swimming pools, so I don't disagree with him.
My jaw hurts from laughing, oh man that was some good stuff. Seriously, awesome article, love it. Fapped.
Best bit of writing ever:
DID YOU KNOW?
> YES
> NO
Regrettably, I can't raise a glass of that fine, fine Mothership Wit, as I ran out the other day. We'll go with some 1554.
(On that note, here's to you, New Belgium drinkers!)
He's a hero to us all.
Click on NPC.
"Oh, do you know about the mall?"
No.
Cue long winded story about the mall.
Click on NPC again.
"Oh, do you know about the mall?"
Yes.
"Wow. You know everything."
It's bad enough they're talking about the most mundane shopping mall in the world like it's the second coming of consumerism.
Best. Line. Ever.
Granted, it doesn't change the whole, "Press button to talk to this dude" thing, but it's nice to think that they have a life outside of waiting for you to walk up and poke them.
"tceleS B hsuP"
Thank you for bestowing your excellence upon us.
@Colette: No u. :)
@Xzyliac: Whoa. :D Glad I could somehow be a part of that!
I can't believe you made them up. I guess you have a career in JRPG NPC dialogue writing.
This could become the most meta RPG ever. Unnamed, mute hero goes on a quest to find the creator of his RPG, to empower the lushly named peons in the world with voice. With dialog unrelated to their quest.
The lines reminded me also of Disgaea. I love how that series never takes itself too seriously, and can make fun of rpgs and games in general.
My favorite JRPG NPCs are the gamblers who do nothing but stand around and give you dubious gambling advice. The classic example, also from CT: the guy who stands next to the racetrack at the Millennial Fair and tells you which of the four racers will win the next race. Almost always wrong, that guy.