Happy Feet ships 1.8 million; won't anyone think of the children?!

It's not too late though, your kids need not go down the road of black nail polish and virginity until their 20s. Instead of picking up the latest animated-film-turned-game you see immediately shouting to you from the shelves, go pick up any game from Nintendo. It doesn't matter which one, just pick up anything with a Mario or a Yoshi on the cover. Your kid really is too stupid to know the difference at this point, but much like rearing him on vegetables and fruits instead of sugar and heroin, providing a solid gaming background for your young one will lead to a lifelong love for the quality things in life.

Of course, this is all hypothetical since your presence here at Destructoid almost guarantees that you have better taste than the average Walmart dwelling mother from Middle America who would still be two hundred pounds overweight even if you could pry those six forty pound growths she calls her children off of her varicose-vein-riddled calves. Sadly, I can not have the same amount of faith in your relatives. Your sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, anyone who could theoretically be in charge of a child at some point badly needs your help. If you care at all for the future of humanity, you will present to them this article, and, if necessary, act out certain parts. Don't try to imitate my voice, it's simply too authoritative and majestic, but feel free to interpret this in words your loved ones can understand. Small words with few syllables work best.

It is up to us to stem this abhorrent tide of shit from roiling over it's bargain-bin-banks and choking the industry out with wave after disgusting wave of licensed refuse.