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Happy Feet ships 1.8 million; won't anyone think of the children?! photo

This is a call to all parents, grandparents, oblivious aunts and uncles and semi-autonomous caring machines who have been put in charge of children; please stop buying licensed crap!

Yahoo News revealed earlier today that Happy Feet, Midway's cash-grab based on an animated film about penguins, has shipped 1.8 million copies. Yes, you read that correctly, 1.8 million.

That is exactly 1.8 million homes around the world where children are going to get their first taste of hatred for the adults in their lives. Properly nurtured by angst-filled music and the harshities of teenage life, these kids will undoubtedly turn to the sad existence of the goth before ending their lives one night while blitzed on Sharpie markers and the intoxicating lyrics of Avenged Sevenfold. Your unwillingness to seek out a proper game for your child instead of just pumping them full of the flavor-of-the-month licensed crap ended in you having to sponge their brains off of the faux-wood panelling in your split-level ranch home. Happy now?

Hit the jump for a deeper glimpse into the horrors of truth.

It's not too late though, your kids need not go down the road of black nail polish and virginity until their 20s. Instead of picking up the latest animated-film-turned-game you see immediately shouting to you from the shelves, go pick up any game from Nintendo. It doesn't matter which one, just pick up anything with a Mario or a Yoshi on the cover. Your kid really is too stupid to know the difference at this point, but much like rearing him on vegetables and fruits instead of sugar and heroin, providing a solid gaming background for your young one will lead to a lifelong love for the quality things in life.

Of course, this is all hypothetical since your presence here at Destructoid almost guarantees that you have better taste than the average Walmart dwelling mother from Middle America who would still be two hundred pounds overweight even if you could pry those six forty pound growths she calls her children off of her varicose-vein-riddled calves. Sadly, I can not have the same amount of faith in your relatives. Your sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, anyone who could theoretically be in charge of a child at some point badly needs your help. If you care at all for the future of humanity, you will present to them this article, and, if necessary, act out certain parts. Don't try to imitate my voice, it's simply too authoritative and majestic, but feel free to interpret this in words your loved ones can understand. Small words with few syllables work best.

It is up to us to stem this abhorrent tide of shit from roiling over it's bargain-bin-banks and choking the industry out with wave after disgusting wave of licensed refuse. 

 








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47 comments | showing # 1 to 47
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Farktoid's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 01:40
Farktoid
Your rant is appreciated, Nex, although unfortunately it falls on deaf ears. Any mouth-breathing jackass who would pay human money for this game can barely comprehend AOL, let alone find their way here to Destructoid. The simple fact is that awful games like this will continue to rake in the bucks until we who have grown up with video games and can tell the difference can hit our children if they ask for garbage like this.
Petrie's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 01:40
Petrie
This is exactly why my mother is required to consult me on any and all gaming purchases made for my younger brother and sister. "Is Rampage a good game?", "No mother, it's a piece of garbage, get them Rayman: Raving Rabbids." I consider it a public service that whenever I'm in a Best Buy or the like, and see a mother/aunt/grandfather/etc searching out a game for their little one, to offer a little advice. Usually it's similar to your advice in offering up anything with a Mario on the cover.
Darren Nakamura's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 01:51
Darren Nakamura
Preachin' to the choir here... but wait, what if it's actually a good game? I mean, I haven't bothered to read the reviews or anything...
Serpentish's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 01:54
Serpentish
Yeah, I should start walking into best buy with a blue polo shirt and giving people advice on what games to buy for their young'ns. "Yeah that superman returns game will be great for your kids... if you want them feel the anguish of a thousand souls screaming in pain. I suggest guitar hero instead."
Petrie's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 02:05
Petrie
Guitar Hero is horrible for kids, they can barely play the game, at least in that age group. the fret buttons are simply too far from each other for those little hands.
tehuberone's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 02:12
tehuberone
Happy Feet is marketed to people that pay for AOL and still use 56k.

But really is the game good? What is it(rpg, platformer, party)?
tehuberone's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 02:29
tehuberone
Conclusion Drawn. At least the BK games sold more.
Holyetheline's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 04:32
Holyetheline
I was just talking with a friend about how much Avenged Sevenfold sucks.

Neutral Milk Hotel, Beck, Radiohead, The Eels, Cursive, Chad Vangahlen, Pedro the Lion, and Wilco 4 life. Seriously.

Thankyou for the entertaining rant.
zaqu's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 05:58
zaqu
look out gears of war
thenewblood's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 06:09
thenewblood
The people of this country are so fat! WWIII is right around the corner. Our military is going down the tubes. Gaming may be ruining our youth. Ok Gaming/Computers/Internet. And now that Gaming for a living is becoming more mainstream, fat losers, couch people, and social outcasts are like "oh yeah thats what i'm gonna do." Growing up now is different then when i did in the late 80s and 90s. Sitting on our ass in front of a computer is like America's new pasttime. So don't be too high on gaming. Just a thought
tazarthayoot's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 07:11
tazarthayoot
I sold so many copies of this craptastic game at work over the holiday season. Try as I might I would tell parents it's is not a fun game and their children will have a difficult time with it, but alas, they never listen.

Same with the r-tards who bought pimp my ride. HOW THE HELL DOES A GAME BASED ON THAT TRASH SOUND LIKE A SOUND INVESTMENT?
tazarthayoot's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 07:13
tazarthayoot
But I also have to ask, that's across all the platforms it was released on, right? It was I believe DS, Gamecube, and Ps2, so thats what, 600k each right?

Jesus christ that's still a lot.
skAnarky's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 07:18
skAnarky
...... gamespot gave the gameboy version a 6/10......
Jecrell's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 07:51
Jecrell
I used to like penguins until this happened.
Fuck penguins.
CaffeinePowered's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 08:25
CaffeinePowered
Entertaining argument, btu sadly as long as garbage like this continues to make money, people will make it, much like how hollywood spews out turd after turd.
TheBrain's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 08:33
TheBrain
I wouldn't worry about it. I've seen kids enjoy some really shitty games before. Under a certain age they have no ability to assess quality. Hell, I used to play Primal Rage like it was actually worth playing when I was a young'n.
lAboMbA's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 09:05
lAboMbA
you really have to look at the audience though.

for example; my daughter wants that new barbie game for her DS (she's 3) due to the commercials. Now how am I going to explain to my 3 year old that the game sucks...when in reality, she's doing good just to press forward on the d-pad? She'll love the game, as did the majority of people that probably actually played 'happy feet'.

not because the game sucked, but because the game was probably appropriate for their age and comprehension.
SunTzu's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 09:19
SunTzu
This just in: Happy Feet outsells the PS3. Fanboys weep, and Phill Harrison commits sepuku.
KyleGamgee's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 10:00
KyleGamgee
sepuku... that made me laugh.
Snaileb 's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 10:14
Snaileb
FUCK YOU ALL!! HAPPY FEET PWNZ YOU BITCHES!!11!! HAPPY FEET FTW!!
crazywes's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 10:26
crazywes
Do I get to club the cute lil critters to death?
BahamutZero's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 10:27
BahamutZero
I have happy feet. watch as you are hypnotized by my smoky dance of seduction
BlindsideDork's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 10:31
BlindsideDork
Bahamut...that looks so familiar, which game is it from?
BahamutZero's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 10:47
BahamutZero
wrong!!!!!!

secret of mana bitches
CaffeinePowered's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 10:48
CaffeinePowered
@Snaileb

No its from Secret of Mana
Snaileb 's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 10:53
Snaileb
I just watched Niero get beat down with a balloon sword. : http://youtube.com/watch?v=RJvuAmTiKVM @ minute 4, pay attention.
BahamutZero's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 11:06
BahamutZero
look at me guys! I did something funny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ns6RJnTOaiE
Topher Cantler's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 11:14
Topher Cantler
HAHA, Awesome article, Nex.
Snaileb 's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 11:16
Snaileb
@ Brad Drac : WTF?!

@ Zero : I like Iron Chief, so it was really funny. But clearly edited.
Chris Taran's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 11:27
Chris Taran
I came for Nex's great article, I stayed for the crazy YouTube links in the comments.
Snaileb 's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 11:35
Snaileb
Chris this next post is for you.
Snaileb 's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 11:37
Snaileb
What's your e-mail? LOL!
Chris Taran's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 11:40
Chris Taran
Yes, I love posting my e-mail for all the world to see!

Figure out this cryptic code for the answer you seek:

My name (no spaces!!!) at Google's awesome e-mail service dot communication.
Chris Taran's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 11:41
Chris Taran
Also, fun fact about me:

I own slaves.
Snaileb 's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 11:43
Snaileb
lmao that was awesome, I thought so too. Im on the mailing list, you couldve sent something and I would've gotten it, the way this fucked up subscription based thing is going on. Anywho, we'll see if it worked.
brad drac's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 11:45
brad drac
Hrn, I was thinking that might be partially lost on a yankish audience. The guy's rolf harris, this australian... guy. I guess mainly an artist and singer, but he's not really that great at either. That vid is a remix of this one which aired on a british daytime talkshow. It's actually pretty good aswell.
Snaileb 's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 11:57
Snaileb
.....Im yankish?? That's harsh. Can't you just call us.. Austalian Culturaly Inclined? Or retard... but I believe the PC term is inclined.
Snaileb 's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 11:57
Snaileb
(BTW, I fuckin love Wolfmother, and they need to make more apperances in the states. )

Seriously.. yankish? That justs sounds dirty.
BluDesign's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 12:10
BluDesign
Chris? So that's myname@gmail.com then right?

Right?
RIGHT?!

HA!

Great. Now it's time to add you to some spam lists...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
Snaileb 's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 12:20
Snaileb
DvDdesign you truly are a maniacal fuck.

^ No flame there, just truthiness. You know it to be true. DONT LIE!!
Chris Taran's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 12:26
Chris Taran
Woot! I love spam on toast!

Just take some nice white bread, toast it for about a minute, throw on maybe a little butter, then print out a good stack of Nigerian prince and viagra spam, slice it up all nice, and enjoy with a nice white wine.

I prefer a nice Chateau St. Jean Belle Terre Chardonnay. 2004 was a nice year for it.
Snaileb 's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 12:27
Snaileb
Chris Taran : James Bond of D'toid


You want that bitch shaked or stirred?!
BahamutZero's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 12:39
BahamutZero
I ate your liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti
Aaron Mxy Yost's Avatar - Comment posted on 01/12/2007 13:56
Aaron Mxy Yost
DANCING PENGUINS FTW! I'm buying three copies!
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