Destructoid is an independently-run gaming discussion community updated nearly every 20 minutes. Get started now by creating an avatar to post comments, upload videos, meet people, and create your own blog. Returning Dtoider? login!


all platforms pc/windows wii xbox 360 playstation 3 ds psp retro indie  
most recent
most popular
editors' picks
twitter updates
buy Dtoid gear
RSS feed



Dtoid staff
Nick Chester
Editor-in-Chief
Anthony Burch
Features Editor
Jim Sterling
Reviews Editor
Hamza Aziz
Community Mgr
Niero
Mr. Destructoid
Associate Editors
Brad Nicholson
Conrad
Zimmerman
Jonathan Holmes
Chad Concelmo
Dale North
Colette Bennett
Joseph Leray
Justin Villasenor
Samit Sarkar
Brad Rice
Ashley Davis
Dyson
Jordan Devore
Mike Ferry
Tom Fronczak
Topher Cantler
Qais Fulton
Contributors
Adam Dork
Charlie Suh
Joe Burling
Jonathan Ross

 
Podcasts
Rev on Podtoid
Chad on Retroforce GO!
Jim on The Podcastle

Elephant Software
Thomas Lackner

Destructoid is made by
ModernMethod


Happy Feet ships 1.8 million; won't anyone think of the children?!
Nex01.12.08 - 1:26 AM 50 comments

Happy Feet ships 1.8 million; won't anyone think of the children?! screenshot

This is a call to all parents, grandparents, oblivious aunts and uncles and semi-autonomous caring machines who have been put in charge of children; please stop buying licensed crap!

Yahoo News revealed earlier today that Happy Feet, Midway's cash-grab based on an animated film about penguins, has shipped 1.8 million copies. Yes, you read that correctly, 1.8 million.

That is exactly 1.8 million homes around the world where children are going to get their first taste of hatred for the adults in their lives. Properly nurtured by angst-filled music and the harshities of teenage life, these kids will undoubtedly turn to the sad existence of the goth before ending their lives one night while blitzed on Sharpie markers and the intoxicating lyrics of Avenged Sevenfold. Your unwillingness to seek out a proper game for your child instead of just pumping them full of the flavor-of-the-month licensed crap ended in you having to sponge their brains off of the faux-wood panelling in your split-level ranch home. Happy now?

Hit the jump for a deeper glimpse into the horrors of truth.

It's not too late though, your kids need not go down the road of black nail polish and virginity until their 20s. Instead of picking up the latest animated-film-turned-game you see immediately shouting to you from the shelves, go pick up any game from Nintendo. It doesn't matter which one, just pick up anything with a Mario or a Yoshi on the cover. Your kid really is too stupid to know the difference at this point, but much like rearing him on vegetables and fruits instead of sugar and heroin, providing a solid gaming background for your young one will lead to a lifelong love for the quality things in life.

Of course, this is all hypothetical since your presence here at Destructoid almost guarantees that you have better taste than the average Walmart dwelling mother from Middle America who would still be two hundred pounds overweight even if you could pry those six forty pound growths she calls her children off of her varicose-vein-riddled calves. Sadly, I can not have the same amount of faith in your relatives. Your sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, anyone who could theoretically be in charge of a child at some point badly needs your help. If you care at all for the future of humanity, you will present to them this article, and, if necessary, act out certain parts. Don't try to imitate my voice, it's simply too authoritative and majestic, but feel free to interpret this in words your loved ones can understand. Small words with few syllables work best.

It is up to us to stem this abhorrent tide of shit from roiling over it's bargain-bin-banks and choking the industry out with wave after disgusting wave of licensed refuse. 

 



MORE IN OUR Save The Chilluns SECTION

Latest comment by Mxyzptlk |view all 50 comments
DANCING PENGUINS FTW! I'm buying three copies!...



Farktoid's Avatar
Farktoid at 01/12/2007 01:40

Your rant is appreciated, Nex, although unfortunately it falls on deaf ears. Any mouth-breathing jackass who would pay human money for this game can barely comprehend AOL, let alone find their way here to Destructoid. The simple fact is that awful games like this will continue to rake in the bucks until we who have grown up with video games and can tell the difference can hit our children if they ask for garbage like this.
Petrie's Avatar
Petrie at 01/12/2007 01:40

This is exactly why my mother is required to consult me on any and all gaming purchases made for my younger brother and sister. "Is Rampage a good game?", "No mother, it's a piece of garbage, get them Rayman: Raving Rabbids." I consider it a public service that whenever I'm in a Best Buy or the like, and see a mother/aunt/grandfather/etc searching out a game for their little one, to offer a little advice. Usually it's similar to your advice in offering up anything with a Mario on the cover.
Dexter345's Avatar
Dexter345 at 01/12/2007 01:51

Preachin' to the choir here... but wait, what if it's actually a good game? I mean, I haven't bothered to read the reviews or anything...
Serpentish's Avatar
Serpentish at 01/12/2007 01:54

Yeah, I should start walking into best buy with a blue polo shirt and giving people advice on what games to buy for their young'ns. "Yeah that superman returns game will be great for your kids... if you want them feel the anguish of a thousand souls screaming in pain. I suggest guitar hero instead."
Petrie's Avatar
Petrie at 01/12/2007 02:05

Guitar Hero is horrible for kids, they can barely play the game, at least in that age group. the fret buttons are simply too far from each other for those little hands.
tehuberone's Avatar
tehuberone at 01/12/2007 02:12

Happy Feet is marketed to people that pay for AOL and still use 56k.

But really is the game good? What is it(rpg, platformer, party)?
Nex's Avatar
Nex at 01/12/2007 02:21

http://www.gamerankings.com/htmlpages2/932871.asp?q=happy%20feet

The above is a link to the gamerankings page for the Gamecube version of the game. It has a cumulative score of 48%. Draw your own conclusions.
tehuberone's Avatar
tehuberone at 01/12/2007 02:29

Conclusion Drawn. At least the BK games sold more.
Holyetheline's Avatar
Holyetheline at 01/12/2007 04:32

I was just talking with a friend about how much Avenged Sevenfold sucks.

Neutral Milk Hotel, Beck, Radiohead, The Eels, Cursive, Chad Vangahlen, Pedro the Lion, and Wilco 4 life. Seriously.

Thankyou for the entertaining rant.
Nex's Avatar
Nex at 01/12/2007 04:52

Holy, good call on The Eels. They're one of the few bands who's old stuff is less good than their new stuff. Amazingly, the old stuff is still fantastic, but they just seem to be getting better and better and more and more obscure as time goes on.

/music rant off
zaqu's Avatar
zaqu at 01/12/2007 05:58

look out gears of war
thenewblood's Avatar
thenewblood at 01/12/2007 06:09

The people of this country are so fat! WWIII is right around the corner. Our military is going down the tubes. Gaming may be ruining our youth. Ok Gaming/Computers/Internet. And now that Gaming for a living is becoming more mainstream, fat losers, couch people, and social outcasts are like "oh yeah thats what i'm gonna do." Growing up now is different then when i did in the late 80s and 90s. Sitting on our ass in front of a computer is like America's new pasttime. So don't be too high on gaming. Just a thought
Teamjesus's Avatar
Teamjesus at 01/12/2007 06:23

This makes me, you know sorta sad.
To know that this game most likely outsold the greatness of Bully.
Stop the madness children, just stop, please...........please.
tazarthayoot's Avatar
tazarthayoot at 01/12/2007 07:11

I sold so many copies of this craptastic game at work over the holiday season. Try as I might I would tell parents it's is not a fun game and their children will have a difficult time with it, but alas, they never listen.

Same with the r-tards who bought pimp my ride. HOW THE HELL DOES A GAME BASED ON THAT TRASH SOUND LIKE A SOUND INVESTMENT?
tazarthayoot's Avatar
tazarthayoot at 01/12/2007 07:13

But I also have to ask, that's across all the platforms it was released on, right? It was I believe DS, Gamecube, and Ps2, so thats what, 600k each right?

Jesus christ that's still a lot.
skAnarky's Avatar
skAnarky at 01/12/2007 07:18

...... gamespot gave the gameboy version a 6/10......
Jecrell's Avatar
Jecrell at 01/12/2007 07:51

I used to like penguins until this happened.
Fuck penguins.
CaffeinePowered's Avatar
CaffeinePowered at 01/12/2007 08:25

Entertaining argument, btu sadly as long as garbage like this continues to make money, people will make it, much like how hollywood spews out turd after turd.
TheBrain's Avatar
TheBrain at 01/12/2007 08:33

I wouldn't worry about it. I've seen kids enjoy some really shitty games before. Under a certain age they have no ability to assess quality. Hell, I used to play Primal Rage like it was actually worth playing when I was a young'n.
lAboMbA's Avatar
lAboMbA at 01/12/2007 09:05

you really have to look at the audience though.

for example; my daughter wants that new barbie game for her DS (she's 3) due to the commercials. Now how am I going to explain to my 3 year old that the game sucks...when in reality, she's doing good just to press forward on the d-pad? She'll love the game, as did the majority of people that probably actually played 'happy feet'.

not because the game sucked, but because the game was probably appropriate for their age and comprehension.
SunTzu's Avatar
SunTzu at 01/12/2007 09:19

This just in: Happy Feet outsells the PS3. Fanboys weep, and Phill Harrison commits sepuku.
KyleGamgee's Avatar
KyleGamgee at 01/12/2007 10:00

sepuku... that made me laugh.
Snaileb 's Avatar
Snaileb at 01/12/2007 10:14

FUCK YOU ALL!! HAPPY FEET PWNZ YOU BITCHES!!11!! HAPPY FEET FTW!!
crazywes's Avatar
crazywes at 01/12/2007 10:26

Do I get to club the cute lil critters to death?
BahamutZero's Avatar
BahamutZero at 01/12/2007 10:27

I have happy feet. watch as you are hypnotized by my smoky dance of seduction
BlindsideDork's Avatar
BlindsideDork at 01/12/2007 10:31

Bahamut...that looks so familiar, which game is it from?
Snaileb 's Avatar
Snaileb at 01/12/2007 10:39

FF3
BahamutZero's Avatar
BahamutZero at 01/12/2007 10:47

wrong!!!!!!

secret of mana bitches
CaffeinePowered's Avatar
CaffeinePowered at 01/12/2007 10:48

@Snaileb

No its from Secret of Mana
Snaileb 's Avatar
Snaileb at 01/12/2007 10:53

I just watched Niero get beat down with a balloon sword. : http://youtube.com/watch?v=RJvuAmTiKVM @ minute 4, pay attention.
BahamutZero's Avatar
BahamutZero at 01/12/2007 11:06

look at me guys! I did something funny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ns6RJnTOaiE
Topher Cantler's Avatar
Topher Cantler at 01/12/2007 11:14

HAHA, Awesome article, Nex.
Snaileb 's Avatar
Snaileb at 01/12/2007 11:16

@ Brad Drac : WTF?!

@ Zero : I like Iron Chief, so it was really funny. But clearly edited.
Chris Taran's Avatar
Chris Taran at 01/12/2007 11:27

I came for Nex's great article, I stayed for the crazy YouTube links in the comments.
Snaileb 's Avatar
Snaileb at 01/12/2007 11:35

Chris this next post is for you.
Snaileb 's Avatar
Snaileb at 01/12/2007 11:37

What's your e-mail? LOL!
Chris Taran's Avatar
Chris Taran at 01/12/2007 11:40

Yes, I love posting my e-mail for all the world to see!

Figure out this cryptic code for the answer you seek:

My name (no spaces!!!) at Google's awesome e-mail service dot communication.
Chris Taran's Avatar
Chris Taran at 01/12/2007 11:41

Also, fun fact about me:

I own slaves.
Snaileb 's Avatar
Snaileb at 01/12/2007 11:43

lmao that was awesome, I thought so too. Im on the mailing list, you couldve sent something and I would've gotten it, the way this fucked up subscription based thing is going on. Anywho, we'll see if it worked.
brad drac's Avatar
brad drac at 01/12/2007 11:45

Hrn, I was thinking that might be partially lost on a yankish audience. The guy's rolf harris, this australian... guy. I guess mainly an artist and singer, but he's not really that great at either. That vid is a remix of this one which aired on a british daytime talkshow. It's actually pretty good aswell.
Snaileb 's Avatar
Snaileb at 01/12/2007 11:57

.....Im yankish?? That's harsh. Can't you just call us.. Austalian Culturaly Inclined? Or retard... but I believe the PC term is inclined.
Snaileb 's Avatar
Snaileb at 01/12/2007 11:57

(BTW, I fuckin love Wolfmother, and they need to make more apperances in the states. )

Seriously.. yankish? That justs sounds dirty.
dvddesign 's Avatar
dvddesign at 01/12/2007 12:10

Chris? So that's myname@gmail.com then right?

Right?
RIGHT?!

HA!

Great. Now it's time to add you to some spam lists...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
Snaileb 's Avatar
Snaileb at 01/12/2007 12:20

DvDdesign you truly are a maniacal fuck.

^ No flame there, just truthiness. You know it to be true. DONT LIE!!
Chris Taran's Avatar
Chris Taran at 01/12/2007 12:26

Woot! I love spam on toast!

Just take some nice white bread, toast it for about a minute, throw on maybe a little butter, then print out a good stack of Nigerian prince and viagra spam, slice it up all nice, and enjoy with a nice white wine.

I prefer a nice Chateau St. Jean Belle Terre Chardonnay. 2004 was a nice year for it.
Snaileb 's Avatar
Snaileb at 01/12/2007 12:27

Chris Taran : James Bond of D'toid


You want that bitch shaked or stirred?!
BahamutZero's Avatar
BahamutZero at 01/12/2007 12:39

I ate your liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti
Mxyzptlk's Avatar
Mxyzptlk at 01/12/2007 13:56

DANCING PENGUINS FTW! I'm buying three copies!

You must be logged in to post a comment. Click here to login or create a user account now.

RELATED ARTICLES
Got gaming news?   Email:   tips@destructoid.com


community blogs (28266) members strong

Post a new community blog
October call for entries: The fear! THE FEAR!
Game with us: Friday Night Fights
Meet Dtoiders near you

popular right now
ContestsMega Man 9 giveaway contest and introducing the Mega Man Boss Maker!
326 comments + 26575 views
Things gamers doRamblings of a colorblind gamer
143 comments + 10515 views
HAHA Weird!Sony did NOT win an award for SIXAXIS
56 comments + 10090 views
Final FantasyLittleBigPlanet user creates a tribute to Final Fantasy X
62 comments + 9920 views
MusicIt only took three months, but I think I finally get Wii Music
38 comments + 9075 views
More top stories

contests & giveaways

Little Red Riding Hood BBQ winners announced: it's a man in a dress!
Mega Man 9 giveaway contest and introducing the Mega Man Boss Maker!
Final reminder: Show us your arts and crafts skills, win Mushroom Men prizes
view all contests and previous winners

games reviewed   more games

Silent Hill: Homecoming review

Spectrobes: Beyond the Portals review

NHL 09 review

de Blob review

B-Boy review

Kirby Super Star Ultra review

Fracture review
view more game reviews

new podcast shows   free on iTunes

Hey, Podtoid records tonight

RetroforceGO! episode 62: Mega Man 9

The Podcastle episode 20: Podcastle LIVE II
download back episodes

game figures & toys  via Tomopop
more video game toys and collectibles

     
Free Infinite Undiscovery DLC up on Marketplace
Xbox 360 version of Age of Conan not a 'key priority'
My Faith is faster than yours: Speeding through Mirror's Edge's Time Trial mode
1 + 1 = WIN! Working calculator created in LittleBigPlanet
My Faith is faster than yours: Speeding through Mirror's Edge's Time Trial mode
Behind the wheel of Midnight Club: Los Angeles
Nintendo Points not exactly multiplatform
Captain Obvious: Pachter says Wii HD is certain in the future
Firestarting, cooking and shark escaping in Lost in Blue: Shipwrecked
 
     
Mega Man 9 DLC round-up: Proto Man and Endless Attack mode
Cave Story coming to WiiWare this holiday season
Punch-Out!! returns! First screens and video of new Wii sequel
DS: Destructoid review: Spectrobes: Beyond the Portals
PSP: Destructoid review: B-Boy
PHONE: Peggle to go mobile, batteries to die mid-call
Machinarium: The best game you (most likely) have never heard of
My Faith is faster than yours: Speeding through Mirror's Edge's Time Trial mode
Silent Hill: Homecoming misses its PC release date
 
         
Contribute

Post a blog
Submit a news tip
This month's theme
Video game forums
Support

Login issues
Community Blogs
Report abuse
Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
Keep in touch

RSS Feed
Facebook
Myspace
Flickr
Game with us
Meet ups
Seriously

Advertising

Our software
Jobs - We're hiring!
Our Network

About Destructoid

Japanator
Tomopop
ModernMethod Publishing