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Handy’s X-mas X-travaganza begins now!

2:00 PM on 12.24.2009 // Handy

[Handy created this awesome Destructoid themed Christmas poem! Merry Christmas from everyone at Destructoid!]

It’s that time of year again. The time of year when we forget about all our problems and just try to enjoy ourselves for one day. And in celebration of this I’ve decided to spread the love here at Destructoid with a short series of Christmas themed blogs.

So to begin I have a present for you, because that’s what Christmas is all about, the presents. It’s an incredibly lame poem wherein I tried to shoehorn as many members as I could before I got frustrated and quit. Sorry if I didn’t include you but there’s like a billion people here and I couldn’t remember everyone. Still I’d like to think that having too many awesome people to fit is a good thing.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Destructoid was stirring, even Anonymouse.
A party was in the works, we took Christmas by the reins
As we shut the fuck up, and just played some games.

Setting up the tree, was our own Technophile
Helped by Dale North, singing carols all the while.
And singing along with them, but not helping the task
Was a scary womaniser, wearing a Pig Mask.

When the evening got started, Nick Chester raised his glass
As we toasted “also cocks”, we all had a good laugh.
RetroforceGO! showed up, discussing Mega Drive ports
As did Samit, except he talked about sports.

Brad Nicholson stayed outside, to chop down some trees
Bare handed and bare chested, against all of our pleas.
And asleep by the fire, missing all of this
Was Chad, who was worn out, no doubt from his list.

Elsa was there, she’s like the C blogs aunt
She talked to MkShiranui, who was on an Okami rant ...
Kauza showed up, he had something to tell us
He’d been frontpaged again, we were terribly jealous.

We heard footsteps on the roof, and everyone paused
But this man was not Santa, it was Jim Sterling Clause!
The room fell silent, to hear what he had to say
“I brought my uncle Reg”, then we all ran away.

The Birches arrived, full of holiday cheer
They said “Merry Christmas”, and their dad “Metal Gear!?”
Ashley Davis came too, with a glint in her eye
She drew Yojimbo his present, a bearded samurai.

Josh Tolentino was there, having just been promoted
He was surprisingly modest, if it was me I’d of gloated.
Podtoid showed up, and were quite drunk already
As they called from the kitchen, “the dinner is ready!!”

We all gathered at the table, quite a sight to behold
I don’t know how so many fit, if truth be told.
As Hamza came in with the turkey, we frowned
Till he wrapped it in pizza and yelled “Double Down!”

With our tummies all full, from the dinner arranged
We returned to the party, where gifts were exchanged.
There was anime for Brad Rice, and toys for Colette,
And I even got one and screamed “PRESENT GET!!”

There was only one thing that was missing, you know
When a solitary figure came in from the snow.
With a suit so crisp, and so white that it gleamed
And a robotic helmet, coloured red, white and green.

This man was nothing short of a local hero
It was none other, than the humble Niero.
These Christmas memories will never erode
And that’s how we spent Christmas, at the Destructoid abode.

If you’ve made it this far it either means you’re very patient or you got bored and skipped ahead! Join me next time for part two where I try to remember what Christmas is all about, by taking a trip with my friend Jesus into the Capital Wasteland.

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