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Grand Theft Swallow: 5-Star Wanted Burrito Bomb

5:00 PM on 09.11.2013 // Steven Hansen

Can you devour its grand heft?

I could barely fit it all in my mouth.

Grand Theft Auto V comes out next week, so we decided to make something fittingly huge and insane for this week's A la Cartridge. None of the fun and whimsy of last week's Dustin Hoffman x Rayman Legends crossover.

Well, that's not true. There is still some fun. I talk about dog customization and try to fit something of unrivaled girth into my mouth. Tip: three sausages is overkill. Between three of us, we finished half of this triple chili-cheese-dog, pastrami-topped burrito. 

Check out the video, full recipe below, and let me know if this dish Grand Theft Auto-matically made your stomach turn. It's damn tasty in spite of its absurdity, honest.

Grand Theft Swallow: Pastrami-topped triple chili cheese dog burrito



  • Salt/pepper
  • 1 white onion
  • 1-2 bell peppers
  • Garlic
  • Paprika, cayenne, oregano, cumin, chili powder
  • 1 can diced tomatoes
  • 1 small can tomato paste
  • 1 can beef stock
  • 2 lbs ground beef
  • Bacon
  • 1 can pinto beans, 1 can kidney beans


  • Cheese (mozarella for me)
  • Pastrami
  • Hotdogs/sausages
  • Burrito-sized flour tortillas


Make your chili first. Drop chopped onions, bell pepper, and garlic in a pan with a little bit of olive oil. Add mix of spices, canned tomatoes, tomato paste, beef stock. Let simmer.

Cook bacon. You put it on a hot pan and flip it when it looks cooked. Remove from pan, set on paper towel to absorb grease.

Brown ground beef, salt and peppered, breaking apart with wooden spoon. You can use the same pan for bacon flavor. Drain fat when thoroughly browned.

Add ground beef, beans, bacon to chili. Let simmer longer. Grate cheese over and let melt or wait to do so.

Cook your choice of sausage or hotdog. Throw pastrami on to warm, too. Steam a flour tortilla with a double boiler, make shift if you're crafty enough. Otherwise, throw it in a microwave for ten seconds wrapped in a wet paper towel.

Lay steamed tortilla out. Add pastrami, chili, cheese, sausage/hotdogs. Wrap. Eat. Feel bad.

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Steven Hansen, Features Editor
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Steven watches anime & sports, buys meat out of trucks, dates a Muppet, and is only good at cooking. He stands before you bereft of solace and well on the road to perdition. ('^ω^) more   |   staff directory

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