hot  /  reviews  /  videos  /  cblogs  /  qposts

Grand Auto Thiefman teaches you things

2:00 PM on 02.28.2010 // RenegadePanda

[Editor's Note: We're not just a (rad) news site -- we also publish opinions/editorials from our community & employees like this one, though be aware that it may not jive with the opinions of Destructoid as a whole, or how our moms raised us. Want to post your own article in response? Publish it now on our community blogs.]

Not only is Grand Theft Auto the most realistic life simulator ever released on any system, it also teaches you several very important legal and economical life lessons. Do you not believe me? Then you are funny talking foreign guy. Through the magic of even more mediocre artistic excrement, I will share with you the important law abiding lessons I have learned from Grand Theft Auto.

Sit down, turn around, and clean off your waterpanties, I'm about to take you on another learning adventure. Remember what color the background is -- there will be a test. 

Do you lock your vehicle when exiting it? Stupid. Pointless. Idiotic. The people of Liberty City don't bother locking their cars. Hell, they don't even bother taking the keys out of the ignition. You just need to learn to trust people, especially the fun loving residents of GTA. They would never steal your car, and it's pretty insulting that you would suspect them in the first place. Jerk.

But of course, there is no worry about breaking the law. In fact, paragraph A, section 56, article C states that no man or woman shall be convicted or accused of a crime unless a pedestrian is hit during the ordeal. Police are ordered not to pursue individuals involved in such acts as car stealing unless they accidentally hit another car or person. Why would they bother otherwise? Duh.

But with all this raw, disgusting, freedom, you're likely to get hurt. Propelled from a car, blown up by a tank, beaten to death by a baseball bat, or even just a simple shotgun blast to the head. These things can present a real problem for the resident. Worry not! Hospitals are right around the corner.

In fact, these hospitals are run by magical wizards who can heal even the most fatal of wounds with only a few minutes of time. Running short on cash? Don't worry about that either, these guys work for tips.

So let's say you are poor after your hospital visit. Looking for a way to make money? Tired of working for it? Are you homicidal? Then we have the solution for you. As widely known, people void their bowels when dying. Little did you know, people in the future have come to distrust banks, instead storing money directly in their bum. So you're not really killing them, you're just making a withdrawal! From someone else's ass. But hey, they weren't your friend, right? That's because ...

Friends are just another word for "annoying pieces of crap who never leave you the fuck alone." It's true; look it up. Not only do friends constantly eat your food, ask for gas money, use up all the toilet paper and order all the crappy movies off Netflix, they also don't shut the hell up. I hope to god you don't have a cell phone. Oh? You do? Then prepare to drive your car off a cliff.

Sadly, Predator missiles are strangely absent in GTA. After their starring role in MW2, otherwise known as the best game evar, you would assume GTA would have them too. Even worse, GTA came out before MW2, but is clearly inspired by it. They both have guns, right? It's totally the same. It's pretty bullshit that Rockstar didn't include this feature, and I think they did it just to piss me off.

What a bunch of dicks.

 Follow Blog + disclosure

This blog submitted to our editor via our Community Blogs, and then it made it to the home page! You can follow community members and vote up their blogs - support each other so we can promote a more diverse and deep content mix on our home page.

 Setup email comments

Unsavory comments? Please report harassment, spam, and hate speech to our moderators, and flag the user (we will ban users dishing bad karma). Can't see comments? Apps like Avast or browser extensions can cause it. You can fix it by adding * to your whitelists.

Status updates from C-bloggers

The Dyslexic Laywer avatarThe Dyslexic Laywer
The amount of people who still defend Atlus's terrible marketing for their "crossover game" is kind of disturbing...
RadicalYoseph avatarRadicalYoseph
Playing MGSV Ground Zeroes reminds me of when I was a younger child and I would play game demos over and over again, creating my own objectives and stories with my imagination. I love it!
Parismio avatarParismio
SFV just revealed Laura's video. She doesn't look that combo-friendly tbh. That just might be the video though.
Jed Whitaker avatarJed Whitaker
Apparently some people are upset at Hyrule Warriors Legends calling it "the most expensive DLC", to quote a well known former writer of the site "they're Nintendo fans, that's what they do" complain.
Barry Kelly avatarBarry Kelly
God damn Xenonauts is brutal on Ironman mode. Oh well, time to start again.
Gamemaniac3434 avatarGamemaniac3434
Out of morbid curiosity, whats your favorite handheld gaming machine?
ShadeOfLight avatarShadeOfLight
Who's that Dtoider?! [img][/img]
wutangclam avatarwutangclam
Pathologic Classic HD just got announced and holy crap am I excited. If you haven't played the game, keep your eyes on this one. It's the very definition of an underrated title. Though I'm not sure what'll happen to the remake that was being shown...
El Dango avatarEl Dango
My opinion on Tomba has changed, now I dig it again. Stay tuned for updates.
techsupport avatartechsupport
MGO is a blast and after playing for a few hours as each class, I'm glad I stuck with Infiltrator.
CblogRecaps avatarCblogRecaps
So assuming the terrible blog tools functions correctly, soon there may be a nefarious call to arms. So keep an eye out and hope there isn't a typo due to light-grey on white background text.
Jiraya avatarJiraya
Gonna have a date tonight ? Here's a song for you. [youtube][/youtube]
LinkSlayer64 avatarLinkSlayer64
[youtube][/youtube] And yes, this is video game related!
Nathan D avatarNathan D
"Everlasting. True love. I am yours." -Rule of Rose T^T
Shinta avatarShinta
MGO's pretty fun! I suck at it though. I mostly hang back and just mark enemies and get the occasional sniper kill. It's pretty fun to be semi-useful with a very hands off role like that. Love my avatar character guy too.
Mike Martin avatarMike Martin
Fuck Insecticons
nanashi avatarnanashi
they pooped in my food they pooped in my food they pooped in my food they pooped in my food
Robo Panda Z avatarRobo Panda Z
I have been accused of the greatest of crimes - cookie snobbery.
KyWii avatarKyWii
Rock Band 4 is really fun...takes me back to my teenage days of high school. Also reminds me of all the hours I wasted on a plastic guitar instead of getting better on a real one xD
Avoclefo avatarAvoclefo
Team Fortress 2 just got a massive community-made Invasion update. SFM short, reskins, cosmetics, and 4 brand new maps?!?! God, I love this game and its wonderful community so, so much. [youtube][/youtube]
more quickposts



Invert site colors

  Dark Theme
  Light Theme

Destructoid means family.
Living the dream, since 2006

Pssst. konami code + enter

modernmethod logo

Back to Top

We follow moms on   Facebook  and   Twitter
  Light Theme      Dark Theme
Pssst. Konami Code + Enter!
You may remix stuff our site under creative commons w/@
- Destructoid means family. Living the dream, since 2006 -