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Grand Auto Thiefman teaches you things

2:00 PM on 02.28.2010 // RenegadePanda

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Not only is Grand Theft Auto the most realistic life simulator ever released on any system, it also teaches you several very important legal and economical life lessons. Do you not believe me? Then you are funny talking foreign guy. Through the magic of even more mediocre artistic excrement, I will share with you the important law abiding lessons I have learned from Grand Theft Auto.

Sit down, turn around, and clean off your waterpanties, I'm about to take you on another learning adventure. Remember what color the background is -- there will be a test. 

Do you lock your vehicle when exiting it? Stupid. Pointless. Idiotic. The people of Liberty City don't bother locking their cars. Hell, they don't even bother taking the keys out of the ignition. You just need to learn to trust people, especially the fun loving residents of GTA. They would never steal your car, and it's pretty insulting that you would suspect them in the first place. Jerk.

But of course, there is no worry about breaking the law. In fact, paragraph A, section 56, article C states that no man or woman shall be convicted or accused of a crime unless a pedestrian is hit during the ordeal. Police are ordered not to pursue individuals involved in such acts as car stealing unless they accidentally hit another car or person. Why would they bother otherwise? Duh.

But with all this raw, disgusting, freedom, you're likely to get hurt. Propelled from a car, blown up by a tank, beaten to death by a baseball bat, or even just a simple shotgun blast to the head. These things can present a real problem for the resident. Worry not! Hospitals are right around the corner.

In fact, these hospitals are run by magical wizards who can heal even the most fatal of wounds with only a few minutes of time. Running short on cash? Don't worry about that either, these guys work for tips.

So let's say you are poor after your hospital visit. Looking for a way to make money? Tired of working for it? Are you homicidal? Then we have the solution for you. As widely known, people void their bowels when dying. Little did you know, people in the future have come to distrust banks, instead storing money directly in their bum. So you're not really killing them, you're just making a withdrawal! From someone else's ass. But hey, they weren't your friend, right? That's because ...

Friends are just another word for "annoying pieces of crap who never leave you the fuck alone." It's true; look it up. Not only do friends constantly eat your food, ask for gas money, use up all the toilet paper and order all the crappy movies off Netflix, they also don't shut the hell up. I hope to god you don't have a cell phone. Oh? You do? Then prepare to drive your car off a cliff.

Sadly, Predator missiles are strangely absent in GTA. After their starring role in MW2, otherwise known as the best game evar, you would assume GTA would have them too. Even worse, GTA came out before MW2, but is clearly inspired by it. They both have guns, right? It's totally the same. It's pretty bullshit that Rockstar didn't include this feature, and I think they did it just to piss me off.

What a bunch of dicks.

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