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Gauger Frozen Treats: Betrayal and Candor
Eliza Gauger07.24.2007 20:39 (409 day(s) ago) 42 comments

Gauger Frozen Treats: Betrayal and Candor screenshot

Gather close and listen, o ye sons of men, o ye prodigal daughters, o mine long lost droogs: to hell with Florian Eckhardt.

We had a deal.  It’s always been about solidarity.  Whether he was lambasting my BBW status, or I was railing against the filthy way he insists on covering his trepanation pit with that crusted fez, we stood together.  I think by now, the felt has actually grown into the scabby keloids that crest his saurian head.

But this morning I awake to find his verbal diarrhea hosed all over the front page, describing a celestial visit to Dtoid HQ, and all without me.  Me, who wedges him under the faucet whenever he’s tippled overmuch and soiled himself, then comes stumbling to my door, mistaking me for one of his ex-wives and crying out for respite and nepenthe and a soothing session over the sawhorse with a riding crop.  Do I criticize him?  Do I take his crumpled bills, scattered at my feet in paroxysms of drunken, misdirected remorse?

You’re damned skippy, I do.

So what gall, what sack, what utter disdain led this man, whom I once called “friend”, to venture forth to our new overlord, to make with the bowing, and the scraping, without his trusty, crusty sidekick?  

And to add insult to perjury, I feel this post is just not up to the Eckhardt gold standard.  His usually vast vocabulary seems stunted, and he uses the word “profane” no less than eight times during the course of that penny dreadful novel of his.  Furthermore, the tutorial dragged on and on; the voice acting was terrible, the puzzles (especially the one with the dog penis and the Filipino boys) were completely opaque and totally unsatisfying, and that cutscene he stuck in the middle was an endless gauntlet of hideous jokes and repellant characters, all narrated by a shrieking goblin with an aroused cat up his nose.  Was I playing Overlord?  No, it was just Jamie Kennedy, crapping up an already disappointing post.  

Overall, this latest Florian offering shows just how much syphilitic dementia can impact an otherwise brilliant writer.  While I do not blame the man for his afflictions, and understand that the Sex, Drugs & Guitar Hero lifestyle of the gonzo blogger is the secret to our beautiful and maddening prose style, I am forced to give Florian’s First Day at Destructoid HQ a 4.3 out of 10.  

 

 

 
 
MORE IN OUR Zzzz SECTION

Latest comment by Florian Eckhardt |view all 42 comments
"So...do you guys like video games?" No. We never play them. ...





Aerox's Avatar
Aerox at 07/24/2007 20:41

I hope this turns into an all out, really entertaining front page war.
Jim Sterling's Avatar
Jim Sterling at 07/24/2007 20:41

You two newbloods are my challenge. I shall do all I can to "hang" with you "bitches" in the language stakes.

Though come on, "nepenthe?" Fuck you, that's just not fair.
Copyright 2008 Agent Chieftain's Avatar
Copyright 2008 Agent Chieftain at 07/24/2007 20:43

...Did you just review another editor?

What the hell?
Dick McVengeance's Avatar
Dick McVengeance at 07/24/2007 20:50

Yes, Chieftain, we can be that meta.
Nex's Avatar
Nex at 07/24/2007 21:13

I'm just happy my 'Antiquated Racism' tag is seeing some action. It's a pain in the ass trying to add commentary on the base habits of the common Moor into every post.
Oni's Avatar
Oni at 07/24/2007 21:25

You actually used the term 'gonzo blogger'. Hunter Thompson would be proud, and I can now die a happy, fulfilled man.

You have brightened my day considerably.
BuckF1tches's Avatar
BuckF1tches at 07/24/2007 21:41

4.3? Florian will never hit 70 at this rate, let alone surpass 9000.

Welcome to the crib, Eliza. I offer no welcome basket, but I can provide you with this.
WaterMedia's Avatar
WaterMedia at 07/24/2007 22:00

Floridian is no "Unhallowed Metropolis" killer. ;)


Colette Bennett's Avatar
Colette Bennett at 07/24/2007 22:01

WAR!!!!
BuckF1tches's Avatar
BuckF1tches at 07/24/2007 22:11

Fight! Eliza is meeting Florian at the bike rack after school. It's on!
Pangloss's Avatar
Pangloss at 07/24/2007 22:39

"..dealer in healthful philtres and bezoars."
Jim, prospects are lookin' grim.

Meta post is meta, but it is also win.
Arugala9's Avatar
Arugala9 at 07/24/2007 22:56

That was the best thing I read all day.
Fronz's Avatar
Fronz at 07/24/2007 23:11

damn i love your editor avatar, welcome!

and 4.3 is like semi-god on the RevAnthony scale of supremeness, so Florian probably still wins.
el moco's Avatar
el moco at 07/24/2007 23:14

*sigh*

finally my favorite former Kotaku writer is back. sorry, i could NOT stick to that gawd-awful GameLife site. it made my eyes slap my brain.
topgeargorilla's Avatar
topgeargorilla at 07/24/2007 23:55

your blistering and caustic review is bombastic to the core!
Sharpless's Avatar
Sharpless at 07/25/2007 00:02

Sterling, you can't compete with them. No one can. They're untouchable. Except in the bathing suit areas.
JohnnyWadd's Avatar
JohnnyWadd at 07/25/2007 00:03

Um...can we get to something GAMING related and move on from the constant ass-kissing, back slapping and name dropping that goes on between gauager & florian.
Papapishu's Avatar
Papapishu at 07/25/2007 00:12

You might want to try the post again, Eliza. I hear the latest patch fixes all the bugs, plus it adds drunken director commentary, the map "Clive Barker's S&M dungeon" and the oft-demanded "Malacology" game type that was missing due to schedule constraints.

Sharpless's Avatar
Sharpless at 07/25/2007 02:48

Wow, these new kids aren't very good at commenting.





;)
Dyson's Avatar
Dyson at 07/25/2007 02:50

Where the fuck did you two get these vocabularies?!
Dyson's Avatar
Dyson at 07/25/2007 03:31

Henry Ford never made it past the second grade, but he still never wrote anything that the likes of you two seem to conjure up at whim. I guess I'll have to go through word-a-day calenders my weird aunt has been giving me for the past 11 years!

Welcome to the staff.

Rezbit's Avatar
Rezbit at 07/25/2007 04:34

What the fuck, more new Dtoid staff? What fucking disease do you have to contract to NOT get a job at this joint?
Churchhills Dog's Avatar
Churchhills Dog at 07/25/2007 07:18

Jesus, is Crecente beating people over there?
Gh05T_Rid3R's Avatar
Gh05T_Rid3R at 07/25/2007 07:56

florian and eliza the destructoid futures are looking bright...
ok enough of that now on to video game related handicrafts :)
Corncobtacular's Avatar
Corncobtacular at 07/25/2007 08:54

So this means that Florian isbetter than Twilight Princess, right?
Sharpless's Avatar
Sharpless at 07/25/2007 09:38

@Churchhills Dog
They left Kotaku for Wired a long time ago. Their section of Wired was shut down recently, so they're doing their own thing and also working at Destructoid now.
Papapishu's Avatar
Papapishu at 07/25/2007 09:39

Florian seems to be channeling either Gibson or Melvile. I can't tell which.

"From hell's fiber optic heart I stab at thee; for teh interwebz sake I spit my last breath at thee."

Niero's Avatar
Niero at 07/25/2007 09:52

Our tag system is definitely in sore need of an overhaul. So many growing pains, so little time between happy hours...
diversionmary's Avatar
diversionmary at 07/25/2007 11:24

The best part was when you mentioned Florian *swoon*


Fun fact: " ♥ F L O R I A N " fits across the knuckles of both hands. Of course, so does " E L I Z A F U G "
Chad Concelmo's Avatar
Chad Concelmo at 07/25/2007 11:54

Okay, maybe this is the best first post ever. :)
ChrisFurniss's Avatar
ChrisFurniss at 07/25/2007 12:17

I am totally going to get "ELIZAFUG" tattooed on my knuckles.
mono's Avatar
mono at 07/25/2007 13:07

Grim's lucky Bomberman Live doesn't have a "Pseudo-Intellectual Posturing" game mode, or the new guys would surely give him a run for his money.

So...do you guys like video games?

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