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7:39 PM on 09.07.2007
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![Gallery for posterity: The complete Lair Reviewer's Guide. [Update: Contest!] screenshot](http://www.destructoid.com/elephant//ul/43062-DONT HATE THE PLAYER HATE THE LAIR.jpg) |
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[CONTEST Update: Want this booklet for your very own swag collection? Take a page from the booklet and PhotoShop (or MSPaint) something hilarious and we'll pick our favorite entry next Friday. We'll also send you a random shirt from our local thrift shop, so get P'chopping!] You've read the crap Lair reviews. You've rubbernecked through the peculiar string of fatal car crashes that resembles the Factor 5's feedback about those dirty little playtime diaries. You're probably as curious as we were when we heard about the 21-page "reviewer's guide" that popped up today, so we've put the whiskey down for a second and scanned the entire volume for your clicking enjoyment. All jokes aside, the guide isn't chock-full of marketing-speak on why the game is revolutionary and more awesome than your God. It's surprisingly devoid of lame attempts to sway a reviewer from saying anything unfair or negative about the game. The only thing we can fairly pick on is the president's introductory plea on page 1 to give the game (and his horrible decision to force Sixaxis controls down your throat) a chance. Instead of a review guide, this may as well have been more accurately labeled as the biggest instruction manual ever produced. Has anyone contacted the Guiness Book people yet? While this slickness of this volume is appreciated, it's a fact of life that gamers (especially editors) are too busy/excited/intoxicated to READ THE F@#$%KING MANUAL so to send us a giant one seems, well, more likely to soak in more grease from last night's chinese food than the other things left abandoned on the coffee table. If the game is in our hands, figuring out the mechanics and story is half the fun. We would have been better served by the arrival of Lair-themed Real Dolls to distract them from the painfully choppy frame rates, Neutrogena-pushing lead characters, and less than perfect control schemes*. But boy is this magazine pretty! Maybe it could have made an impact had they shipped this to media three weeks before reviewers have the game. It would have a greater channce of nestling up near the toilet with our new issues of EGM. IMHO, the money used to design, print, and ship this thing to a suspicious ocean of Sony-weary journalists would have been better invested in the much-needed patch that allows you to enjoy the game with the two analog sticks as mother nature intended. The public's respect for the game would jump overnight if they cared to listen. [* Specifically speaking, doing a 180 in heated combat is about as precise as Courtney Love on meth performing the national anthem]
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 Article contributed by Niero
54 comments | showing # 1 to 50
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21 comments + 95764 views
Comment 0 FTW!
Oh snap, it's got a DoubleJump stamp on the back. Give it away as a prize XD.
Why couldn't the developers simply included dual thumbstick control, I mean, would it have been that hard? Most of the complaints I'm hearing about Lair are that the poor controls make the game unplayable. It's probably not the developer's fault at all, I would bet they were pressured by Sony to make the game Sixaxis motion control exclusively, if only to show that their motion sensitive controller wasn't as useless and unnecessary as it really is, not to mention to reinforce the bullshit argument that you can't have rumble and motion control, and the motion control is really the better of the two (I'd rather have neither personally).
Lair has high production values, it can tell just by looking at it. Sony isn't letting this one go because of how much it cost to produce, and they thinking all the time it's going to be a big hit, a title that will sell systems. Sorry, but they screwed this one up royally, first and foremost touting their Sixaxis controller as giving an unprecedented degree of control. Motion control is no replacement for what we've been using all along. Nintendo, quite frankly, does it better, and usually pretty intelligently. It was really an afterthought for Sony, and with results like Lair, it should be clear a bad afterthought. Sixaxis for the lose.
Oh yeah, did anyone else notice on the seventh page, they forgot to add the text description for the 'medium dragon'? Guess they were in a rush to get these out to reviewers before their game got any more bad reviews.
So........tell me. How is this diffrent from a Game Manuelk you get when you buy the game. It's just talking about the game. I'm sure reviewers know what bar is health. Plus, it dosen't matter what you were trying to do with game art. That dosen't change the fact that it lacks thumbstick control. Why won't they just make it? Motorstorm let you switch. Why not Lair? Hell, Lair is a newer game then Motorstorm and they somehow just left it out. Why are they flaming the reviewers and insulting the gamers by saying Casual gamers can control it better? You make a game thats suppost to appeal to hardcore gamers and then they say it's better with Casual gamers? What the hell?? I've been playing games since I was 6 and I don't need someone telling me that I can't control a game because of that. Put stick control in it. HOW HARD IS THAT?????
PRY THIS FROM MY ROBOT ARMS! Contest added :)
@Lord_S
And they say they don't know why this game isn't doing well? Sounds to me like sabotage of their own game. Hell, if ghosts could have done it, then the possibility of an inside job seems pretty likley.
Dummy Text. Add finishing line here. Dummy Text. Add random Insult here.
Niero makes contests to whore his Dtoid score. :3
wow, that is crazy.
"dummy text, add new medium dragon txt here."
THAT is just hilarious. They sent that out to people? I would go back and give the game a lower score if I were IGN or somebody else. Just to spite Factor 5 for being retarded.
i really like the dragon models but everything else seems to be ripped off from drakengard. That game at least had analog sticks to use.
I agree with Satorious. The no-thumbstick approach doesn't seem like a developmental oversight as much as it seems like an attempt to prove Sony's corporate line that the Sixaxis is an evolutionary new step in game control and not a clunky gimmick. Ironically, it seems the game has proved just the opposite. I've played enough games on the system to realize that it's nearly impossible to get the same kind of precision with the motion control as you can with the thumbstick. And if Lair, a big-budget, long-in-development, heavily-supported attempt at single-handedly justifying the Sixaxis can't control worth a damn, what hope do other Sixaxis-centric games have?
Though I don't agree that Nintendo usually does motion control intelligently. A couple hours on a Wii have taught me that crap control is starting to become the theme of this generation. Not that the casual gamers/old people will mind.
I love the Foreward:
OPEN YOUR HANDS AND MINDS FOR SOMETHING VERY DIFFERENT.
Hint: Different and good are not synonyms.
"Dummy text, add new medium dragon txt here."
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
I really feel bad for the people who bought this shit... Even worse for the people who expect to make money of it...
Goddamn it Sony.
The problem is not that the game is forcing you to use Sixaxis controls. The problem is that the way they were implemented, whether it's the PS3's fault or Factor 5's fault, is not good enough for control. Good idea, bad execution.
I'm sorry, but analog sticks are so outdated. Walking and turning at the same time, with ease, is so damn old-school. Seriously though, what the fuck? This game had a lot of potential. I motion for no motion on PS3 games ever again. It. Is. A. Gimmick. Just like free beef from Les Schwab when you buy new tires.... it sounds good..... but what the fuck? I'm buying tires not a BBQ. Just like the PS3, you're buying a high end GAMING machine, not a damn retard waggle/wave/tilt machine.
Oh, no offense to Wii lovers by the way. Nintendo does their thing fairly well.
Hey!
I can smell Sony and Factor 5's desperation from over here. :(
Maybe they'll patch it and include alternate controls. I feel kind of bad for the developers to see their game being trashed so badly. Then again, you'd think that a developer in this age would anticipate this kind of thing. Boy am I glad I finally decided to get a 360 last month. Bioshock is awesome. (god i hope I don't get the rrod)
Did I do this right?
OK, I might really fuck this up, so sorry if I do:
Cool, it worked! Here are two more. Oh, click them all for bigger.
[url="http://www.xeromusic.com/lairsucks02"]
[url="http://www.xeromusic.com/lairsucks03"]
Shit! I fail at tags. Just go to those other urls for biggers.
Yeah I agree with automagV. I think that a patch will be released to allow analogue controls. I sure as hell hope so, anyway.
Read between the lines.
Dragons are firey
Volcanon's is my favorite so far, but nice work everyone!
I think the winners of the contest should be factor 5 itself.
Face it, there is no way any dtoider can come up with something better than "dummy text"
its an ok story...
but the game still SUCKS!!!
What's going on now? I was staring at BetaMaster's avatar and forgot.....
lol AgentMOO, that was good
Slightly larger.
I like the 9th pic best.
Mabec wins!
I AM IN TEARS
what if...everyone managed to photoshop a different page in the booklet, we'd have the ultimate Lair guide courtesy of Destructoid!
Here it is. Hope you like it.
deadpixel I lol at that one
fuck I would buy it if it had morgan freeman in it
NightDeHumidifier wins.
If it had Morgan Freeman in it, I think there would be a lot more PS3's sold.
I put it together with the same care as Factor 5 put together Lair;)
Vote for me, or ELSE
[img]H:\Warning.jpg[/img]
Sorry about the double post in error
IMG]http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff28/ChrisSipe/Warning.jpg[/IMG]
God what a "newb"
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