Gallery for posterity: The complete Lair Reviewer's Guide. [Update: Contest!]

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living the dream since March 16, 2006

7:39 PM on 09.07.2007, Niero

58 comments

Gallery for posterity: The complete Lair Reviewer's Guide. [Update: Contest!] photo

Scans

[CONTEST Update: Want this booklet for your very own swag collection? Take a page from the booklet and PhotoShop (or MSPaint) something hilarious and we'll pick our favorite entry next Friday. We'll also send you a random shirt from our local thrift shop, so get P'chopping!]

You've read the crap Lair reviews. You've rubbernecked through ~~the peculiar string of fatal car crashes that resembles~~ the Factor 5's feedback about those dirty little playtime diaries. You're probably as curious as we were when we heard about the 21-page "reviewer's guide" that popped up today, so we've put the whiskey down for a second and scanned the entire volume for your clicking enjoyment.

All jokes aside, the guide isn't chock-full of marketing-speak on why the game is revolutionary and more awesome than your God. It's surprisingly devoid of lame attempts to sway a reviewer from saying anything unfair or negative about the game. The only thing we can fairly pick on is the president's introductory plea on page 1 to give the game (and his horrible decision to force Sixaxis controls down your throat) a chance. Instead of a review guide, this may as well have been more accurately labeled as the biggest instruction manual ever produced. Has anyone contacted the Guiness Book people yet?

While this slickness of this volume is appreciated, it's a fact of life that gamers (especially editors) are too busy/excited/intoxicated to READ THE F@#$%KING MANUAL so to send us a giant one seems, well, more likely to soak in more grease from last night's chinese food than the other things left abandoned on the coffee table.

If the game is in our hands, figuring out the mechanics and story is half the fun. We would have been better served by the arrival of Lair-themed Real Dolls to distract them from the painfully choppy frame rates, Neutrogena-pushing lead characters, and less than perfect control schemes*. But boy is this magazine pretty! Maybe it could have made an impact had they shipped this to media three weeks before reviewers have the game. It would have a greater channce of nestling up near the toilet with our new issues of EGM.

IMHO, the money used to design, print, and ship this thing to a suspicious ocean of Sony-weary journalists would have been better invested in the much-needed patch that allows you to enjoy the game with the two analog sticks as mother nature intended. The public's respect for the game would jump overnight if they cared to listen.

[* Specifically speaking, doing a 180 in heated combat is about as precise as Courtney Love on meth performing the national anthem]

LAUNCH GALLERY (24 IMAGES)

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Lord_Satorious at 09/07/2007 19:53

Why couldn't the developers simply included dual thumbstick control, I mean, would it have been that hard? Most of the complaints I'm hearing about Lair are that the poor controls make the game unplayable. It's probably not the developer's fault at all, I would bet they were pressured by Sony to make the game Sixaxis motion control exclusively, if only to show that their motion sensitive controller wasn't as useless and unnecessary as it really is, not to mention to reinforce the bullshit argument that you can't have rumble and motion control, and the motion control is really the better of the two (I'd rather have neither personally).

Lair has high production values, it can tell just by looking at it. Sony isn't letting this one go because of how much it cost to produce, and they thinking all the time it's going to be a big hit, a title that will sell systems. Sorry, but they screwed this one up royally, first and foremost touting their Sixaxis controller as giving an unprecedented degree of control. Motion control is no replacement for what we've been using all along. Nintendo, quite frankly, does it better, and usually pretty intelligently. It was really an afterthought for Sony, and with results like Lair, it should be clear a bad afterthought. Sixaxis for the lose.

Lord_Satorious at 09/07/2007 19:57

Oh yeah, did anyone else notice on the seventh page, they forgot to add the text description for the 'medium dragon'? Guess they were in a rush to get these out to reviewers before their game got any more bad reviews.

Deathsaw at 09/07/2007 20:03

So........tell me. How is this diffrent from a Game Manuelk you get when you buy the game. It's just talking about the game. I'm sure reviewers know what bar is health. Plus, it dosen't matter what you were trying to do with game art. That dosen't change the fact that it lacks thumbstick control. Why won't they just make it? Motorstorm let you switch. Why not Lair? Hell, Lair is a newer game then Motorstorm and they somehow just left it out. Why are they flaming the reviewers and insulting the gamers by saying Casual gamers can control it better? You make a game thats suppost to appeal to hardcore gamers and then they say it's better with Casual gamers? What the hell?? I've been playing games since I was 6 and I don't need someone telling me that I can't control a game because of that. Put stick control in it. HOW HARD IS THAT?????

Niero at 09/07/2007 20:13

PRY THIS FROM MY ROBOT ARMS! Contest added :)

Deathsaw at 09/07/2007 20:15

@Lord_S

And they say they don't know why this game isn't doing well? Sounds to me like sabotage of their own game. Hell, if ghosts could have done it, then the possibility of an inside job seems pretty likley.

Dummy Text. Add finishing line here. Dummy Text. Add random Insult here.

EternalDarkWing at 09/07/2007 20:32

Niero makes contests to whore his Dtoid score. :3

Namelessted at 09/07/2007 20:50

wow, that is crazy.

"dummy text, add new medium dragon txt here."

THAT is just hilarious. They sent that out to people? I would go back and give the game a lower score if I were IGN or somebody else. Just to spite Factor 5 for being retarded.

rpbowlinggod at 09/07/2007 20:59

i really like the dragon models but everything else seems to be ripped off from drakengard. That game at least had analog sticks to use.

Outer Heaven at 09/07/2007 21:00

I agree with Satorious. The no-thumbstick approach doesn't seem like a developmental oversight as much as it seems like an attempt to prove Sony's corporate line that the Sixaxis is an evolutionary new step in game control and not a clunky gimmick. Ironically, it seems the game has proved just the opposite. I've played enough games on the system to realize that it's nearly impossible to get the same kind of precision with the motion control as you can with the thumbstick. And if Lair, a big-budget, long-in-development, heavily-supported attempt at single-handedly justifying the Sixaxis can't control worth a damn, what hope do other Sixaxis-centric games have?

Though I don't agree that Nintendo usually does motion control intelligently. A couple hours on a Wii have taught me that crap control is starting to become the theme of this generation. Not that the casual gamers/old people will mind.

JonDarkwood at 09/07/2007 21:09

I love the Foreward:

OPEN YOUR HANDS AND MINDS FOR SOMETHING VERY DIFFERENT.

Hint: Different and good are not synonyms.

0bshaky at 09/07/2007 21:13

"Dummy text, add new medium dragon txt here."

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

I really feel bad for the people who bought this shit... Even worse for the people who expect to make money of it...

Necros at 09/07/2007 21:20

Goddamn it Sony.

The problem is not that the game is forcing you to use Sixaxis controls. The problem is that the way they were implemented, whether it's the PS3's fault or Factor 5's fault, is not good enough for control. Good idea, bad execution.

Steel Squirrel at 09/07/2007 21:25

I'm sorry, but analog sticks are so outdated. Walking and turning at the same time, with ease, is so damn old-school. Seriously though, what the fuck? This game had a lot of potential. I motion for no motion on PS3 games ever again. It. Is. A. Gimmick. Just like free beef from Les Schwab when you buy new tires.... it sounds good..... but what the fuck? I'm buying tires not a BBQ. Just like the PS3, you're buying a high end GAMING machine, not a damn retard waggle/wave/tilt machine.

Steel Squirrel at 09/07/2007 21:27

Oh, no offense to Wii lovers by the way. Nintendo does their thing fairly well.

boxhound at 09/07/2007 22:16

Hey!

I can smell Sony and Factor 5's desperation from over here. :(

automagV at 09/07/2007 22:27

Maybe they'll patch it and include alternate controls. I feel kind of bad for the developers to see their game being trashed so badly. Then again, you'd think that a developer in this age would anticipate this kind of thing. Boy am I glad I finally decided to get a 360 last month. Bioshock is awesome. (god i hope I don't get the rrod)

Volcanon at 09/07/2007 22:29

Did I do this right?

Zac Bentz at 09/07/2007 23:12

OK, I might really fuck this up, so sorry if I do:

Zac Bentz at 09/07/2007 23:15

Cool, it worked! Here are two more. Oh, click them all for bigger.

[url="http://www.xeromusic.com/lairsucks02"]

[/url]

[url="http://www.xeromusic.com/lairsucks03"]

[/url]

Zac Bentz at 09/07/2007 23:17

Shit! I fail at tags. Just go to those other urls for biggers.

BetaMaster at 09/07/2007 23:21

Yeah I agree with automagV. I think that a patch will be released to allow analogue controls. I sure as hell hope so, anyway.

Riser Glen at 09/07/2007 23:40

Read between the lines.

BFeld13 at 09/08/2007 00:09

Dragons are firey

Mxyzptlk at 09/08/2007 00:17

Volcanon's is my favorite so far, but nice work everyone!

Sienar at 09/08/2007 00:41

I think the winners of the contest should be factor 5 itself.

Face it, there is no way any dtoider can come up with something better than "dummy text"

deadpixel at 09/08/2007 00:57

Jark212 at 09/08/2007 01:05

its an ok story...
but the game still SUCKS!!!

Steel Squirrel at 09/08/2007 01:24

What's going on now? I was staring at BetaMaster's avatar and forgot.....

nimic at 09/08/2007 01:32

Volcanon at 09/08/2007 01:38

lol AgentMOO, that was good

mispelt at 09/08/2007 02:21

mispelt at 09/08/2007 02:24

Slightly larger.

Detry at 09/08/2007 03:57

lvl54spacemonkey at 09/08/2007 06:29

I like the 9th pic best.

Mabec at 09/08/2007 07:17

Justice at 09/08/2007 09:10

Mabec wins!

Niero at 09/08/2007 10:17

I AM IN TEARS

Volcanon at 09/08/2007 11:45

what if...everyone managed to photoshop a different page in the booklet, we'd have the ultimate Lair guide courtesy of Destructoid!

NightDehumidifier at 09/08/2007 14:00

Little Burro at 09/08/2007 19:27

Here it is. Hope you like it.

wario67 at 09/08/2007 21:06

deadpixel I lol at that one
fuck I would buy it if it had morgan freeman in it

Arugala9 at 09/08/2007 21:22

NightDeHumidifier wins.

Volcanon at 09/08/2007 22:24

If it had Morgan Freeman in it, I think there would be a lot more PS3's sold.

Little Burro at 09/09/2007 00:40

I put it together with the same care as Factor 5 put together Lair;)

Mabec at 09/09/2007 08:51

Vote for me, or ELSE

ChrisSipe at 09/09/2007 16:53

[img]H:\Warning.jpg[/img]

ChrisSipe at 09/09/2007 16:57

Sorry about the double post in error

ChrisSipe at 09/09/2007 16:58

IMG]http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff28/ChrisSipe/Warning.jpg[/IMG]

God what a "newb"

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