Foxtoid Exclusive! Madden and Summerall: closet homosexuals

1:57 PM on 04.01.2008   |   Samit Sarkar

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We here at Foxtoid are proud to bring you one of our most earth-shattering exclusive reports yet. Today has indeed been a banner day for scandals, such as JosephGate 2008, the capture of Carmen Sandiego, and the link between Scientology and our equestrian friends. In a way, those stories may have prepared you for this. But in another way — a completely shocking and conclusive way — they can’t even come close to this jaw-dropping special report.

Football is the ultimate masculine sport, is it not? It comprises 22 men on a 100-yard-long field, thrust into a trench warfare-like battle of brains, brawn, and will — and it doesn’t let up for sixty minutes. Most people of the male persuasion between the ages of 13 and 49 will tell you that there’s nothing more manly than tossing back a few cold ones while catching some pigskin pugilism. Unfortunately, men, we’ve been duped. Read on for an exposé that will have you vomiting in disgust.

A long-suffering Foxtoid undercover agent, whose name we cannot reveal for national security concerns, is now vindicated. The agent brings us revelations of a deplorable nature, in the form of appalling accusations levied at this great nation’s most famous and beloved football broadcasting team. The long-running CBS and FOX duo of John Madden and Pat Summerall, who covered football together for 22 seasons, has now been “outed” by our operative.

It seems that Madden and Summerall shared an off-screen partnership in addition to their on-air pairing. Foxtoid’s special reporter secured a seat on the famed Maddencruiser, the customized coach bus that Madden uses to get around the country. Reportedly, the vehicle features a hidden bedroom, with its entranceway located behind the third refrigerator.

So why is Foxtoid only bringing you this report now, when Madden and Summerall haven’t broadcasted a game together in over six years? Well, according to our inside informant, the unsanctioned-by-God relationship has stretched beyond the booth and remains active today. Secondly, EA Sports has announced significant changes to the commentary in Madden NFL 09, and now it is obvious that they should have (and likely would have, had they known of the situation) implemented those changes a long time ago.

It is the opinion of this senior analyst that Electronic Arts should, effective immediately, cease any and all association with this defiler of souls who has openly flouted good Christian morals. And I implore you, good citizens of the greatest nation on God’s green earth, to summarily burn all copies of previous Madden videogames in your possession in a display of solidarity with your fellow (heterosexual) man. Such games are the last vestige of elderly homosexuality left in many of our homes, and they must go!