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Five videogame characters who suck at their jobs

by Reverend Anthony on 02.27.2008 115 comments


erer

In general, our videogame protagonists need a set context for their lives before being thrust into action and adventure. Mario can't just be a dude with a goomba-stomping fetish; he has to be a plumber. Marcus Fenix can't just be some chainsaw-wielding jerk; he needs to be an ex-soldier. For better or for worse, most game characters need some sort of backstory, often encapsulated in the character's profession.

But what about the characters whose professions have almost no impact on the way they act once in the actual game? What about those heroes and heroines who claim to do one thing as a source of their income, but actually do another? What about this videogame characters who suck at their jobs?

Hit the jump for the lowdown on five virtual slackers who would be fired immediately in the real world.

Leisure Suit Larry – "Loser"

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The first Leisure Suit Larry game was basedon a single, very simple premise: Larry Laffer is a hideous, creepy loser who needs to get laid. Larry had to be a loser, otherwise he wouldn't need the player's intelligence and puzzle-solving abilities to get him out of (and into) sticky situations at every turn.

But what of the sequels? Each are built off the same premise, but almost completely ignore the implications of the previous titles. Larry is a creepy loser who can't get laid…except for all those times he did. The average LSL title sees our protagonist bed up to four women throughout the course of a twelve hour game -- hardly a batting average to scoff at.

Al Lowe has previously admitted to the difficult, contradictory nature inherent in making a series of games about a "loser" who gets far more sex than the people who are controlling him, but it's a necessary evil. He's gotta be a dork because the game is funnier that way, but he's gotta get the occasional beej or the player will feel no personal reward for their actions.

Still, though, I'd hesitate to call anyone who hit this a "loser."

 

Max Payne – "Detective"

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Detectives collect clues. Detectives interview witnesses. Detectives are meticulous, professional, and above all, thoughtful.

The closest Max Payne ever gets to being a detective is running around his NYPD precinct, answering phones and breaking air conditioners. The rest of the time, Max dives, runs, shoots and bones his way to truth and/or revenge without stopping to examine a single clue, or interview a single witness (he does ask that one witness about Mona in the precinct during Max Payne 2, but that had more to do with his penis than his job).

I'm being mildly facetious, of course. The Payne games would be incredibly different if Max actually thought about what he did before he did it. He wouldn't have gotten drugged by Mona in the first game, or tricked by Vlad in the second, which would have dragged down the plots of both games. Were he a true detective, he'd be too busy using inventory items and interviewing people to perform so much as one bullet-time dodge. Were he a real snoop, he'd be in an adventure game and not a third-person shooter.

But them's the breaks -- in order to make the game fun, Max has to be a complete moron who falls for every trap and only shows intelligence when formulating ridiculously convoluted internal monologues. Columbo never did any of that shit, I can tell you that.

 

Donkey Kong – "Donkey"

erere

HE'S A GODDAMN GORILLA WHY IS HE NAMED DONKEY WHAT THE FUCK

 

Mario – "Plumber"

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Apart from a brief interlude in Superstar Saga and an even shorter scene in the movie, we never see this so-called "plumber" fix so much as a leaky tap.

Sure, the man spends a lot of his time jumping into and out of man-sized pipes, but so what? Given the ease with which he and other characters travel through the Mushroom Kingdom's underground sewer system, one has to imagine that the mere act of diving into oversized pipework does not warrant an the actual title of "plumber."

Just look at the guy's inventory -- flowers, leaves, boots, raccoon costumes. These are the tools of a drug-addicted furry, not a septic maintenance agent: at no point  has Mario ever picked up a wrench, a pipe cleaner, or a plunger. Dude has been known to carry around a hammer, but we don't really associate that with plumbing.

Mario supports himself not through work, but through theft. Did you ever stop to think that Mario doesn't actually get a true extra life everytime he steals coins from the Koopalings, but that the 1-Up merely signifies that he now has the financial means to eat and stay alive for one more day?

Unless Mario has been maintaining Peach's pipe system offscreen for the past twenty years -- and I wouldn't put it past that bitch to reward the man who saved her life with menial labor -- Mario hasn't done a day of proper work in his damn life.

 

Samus Aran – "Bounty Hunter"

rtrtr

Samus Aran is a mass murderer, not a bounty hunter. Bounty hunters capture escaped convicts and bail jumpers, and they capture them alive. When Samus Aran sets foot on an alien planet, you best believe that by the time she's done nothing will ever walk or crawl on that world again. Samus isn't a bounty hunter, and she isn't even a hitman; she's a walking genocide machine.

She'll kill half the population of your planet, then leave for a few hours, then come back with a new weapon upgrade and kill the other half of your planet so she can get still another new ability. The woman is a fantastic large-scale killer, but she doesn't exhibit any of the restraint or subtlety that one would ascribe to the best bounty hunters.

I don't wish to argue that Samus isn't doing the right thing by wiping out Metroids and Space Pirates, of course; someone's gotta get rid of them, and it might as well by the hot chick in the robot suit who can morph into a fist-sized sphere at the drop of a hat. Fine. But that doesn't make her a bounty hunter.

Samus sure as hell knows how to backtrack and solve environmental puzzles, but does she know the difficulty of tracking a single target across twelve states? Has she ever experienced the difficulty of bringing in an armed, intoxicated felon without killing him? How many bounties has she successfully brought in? Which bail bondsman does she contract from?  I highly doubt Samus could answer these questions.

---

That's all I've got for now; did I miss any obvious ones you'd like to add to the list? Did some of the characters not belong? Do you want to tell me the story that everyone already knows concerning the origin of Donkey Kong's name? Hit the comments.



   115 comments
danse11: Reflecting on ideas, I was very happy it explained a of things. First, a of parents complain what impact games on children, but those parents are generally only seeing the trivial of the g...   more
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There are 115 comments about this post:
DryvBy's Avatar
Max Payne is awesome at his job. Detectives should shoot first and ask questions later.
Crunshii's Avatar
Idk about Samus, I think she fitted perfectly and did her job well. But Max Payne when he first came out looked like a unfinished game character. That facial expression looked like it was just slapped into polygons with a sledge hammer.
Oni's Avatar
I once asked one of my friends 'What do you suppose happens to Samus when she goes into Morph Ball form?'. His response? 'Screaming'. I still have a hearty chuckle about that answer from time-to-time, 'cause it's priceless.
Snaileb 's Avatar
"These are the tools of a drug-addicted furry" ...

(don't make a Neonie joke don't make a Neonie joke don't make a Neonie joke)
Qraze's Avatar
i've got nothing to say about any of them. fncking hippies
Dexter345's Avatar
Okay, "Donkey Kong" made me laugh out loud.
BlackDove's Avatar
Oh Donkey.

Why art though so wrongfully named.
Batthink's Avatar
Solid Snake is one of my favourite characters, but hell, does he suck at his job. How many times in Metal Gear Solid (PS) does he get jumped on (including the times by Meryl)?

He is a stealth operative for crying out loud. He gets spotted so many times. Now compare this to the protagonist from Deus Ex, where it is possible to go through the entire game by only killing three people.

What do you guys think?
Butmac's Avatar
Hahahahaha epic. Awesome article.
shipero's Avatar
Peter Pepper from Burgertime is a terrible chef. Sure he makes a burger the size of a small house but he puts all the ingrediants in place by walking on them until they fall off their support beams. Don't even get me started on the demonic eggs and hot dogs that somehow manage to get mixed in the burgers. If I wanted an evil hot dog I'd order an evil hot dog.
-D-'s Avatar
Rev, by writing material such as this, you're making me suck at my job. When the pink slip comes, can I live on your couch?
Dexter345's Avatar
One example that could be added:

Zack & Wiki: "Pirates"

I'll allow that they're adventurers, and they're treasure hunters, but did Zack and/or Wiki ever board a ship, plunder from its owner, and rape the women? The closest they got do being pirates was firing a broken mast through a giant squid's forehead, but that's just makes them badass, not necessarily badass pirates.
Count Grishnack's Avatar
Do people not know about the Donkey/Monkey Kong translation flub or are we all just being sarcastic?
Colette Bennett's Avatar
"HE'S A GODDAMN GORILLA WHY IS HE NAMED DONKEY WHAT THE FUCK"

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
Robert's Avatar
Count - Yahoo.com told me that the supposed translation error was a myth. And I always trust Yahoo.com! ALWAYS!
Axelay 2's Avatar
How about the cop in Driv3r?

You're a cop, right? I think by the end of the game, you've killed more cops that most crime syndicates combined.

I remember there was even a mission where you're trying to flee an army of pursuing cops and you use an MGL to blow away dozens of them.

Also, as much as I enjoy MGS, any spy who spends more time on talking on the codec than spying, usually fails...
Grim's Avatar
OMG hahaha. It reminds me of this.
joeisremy's Avatar
If you listen to any interview Miyamoto about the original Donkey Kong he explains where his name game from. But i'm not going to tell you find it on your own.
ZeroTolo's Avatar
Actually, the Monkey/Donkey Kong thing isn't true. WIKIPEDIA PROVES IT!!
Cheeburga's Avatar
The face of a champion.
Segasonicdude's Avatar
At least they have Jobs....what is Sonic the Hedgehog's Occupation?
I mean is Robot Smasher really a Job or just a Hobby?
DaedHead8's Avatar
That donkey kong blurb made me crack up. Good Shit.

Have you ever considered how bad the crackdown agents are at their job? Not only do they spend the whole game accidently killing civilians and peacekeepers who get in their way.

::SPOILER ALERT::

and then they find out in the end that they've been working for the bad guys the whole time. /facepalm
Hoss's Avatar
@segasonicdude

smashing robots is just something that has to be done because they get in the way... however junking said robots could be pretty lucrative and he does find alot of gold rings too... however his real occupation is a drug courier... i thought everyone knew that
blehman's Avatar
It's articles like this that make me love destructoid. Hard. Maybe against it's will, but you were asking for it dressed like that...I mean LOL he's a gorilla not a donkey!!
Rogue Trooper's Avatar
"The first Leisure Suit Larry game was basedon a single, very simple premise"

Dictionary.com tells me that basedon is not a word.
akathatoneguy's Avatar
How about the judge in the Phoenix Wright series? Offering his opinion of the person's guilt mid-trial over and over again, making a complete farce of the legal system...sure, he makes the games more amusing, but he's a terrible judge. Terrible!
ScottyG's Avatar
HE'S A GODDAMN GORILLA WHY IS HE NAMED DONKEY WHAT THE FUCK

[url=http://monkeysarentdonkeys.ytmnd.com/]Monkeys aren't donkeys. Quit messing with my head!{/url]
Gameboi's Avatar
This is full of win.
ScottyG's Avatar
Well poop. Not only did I mess up the BBC code, Grim already linked to it. :S
FrozenSpaceMonkey's Avatar
The bit about Mario having all the tools of a drug-addicted furry made laugh so hard, I think I just re-injured my back.

Thanks alot, Rev
SuitcoatAvenger's Avatar


You'll be a fine ninja, as long as you stick to the yellow shadows.

moron.
B-Radicate's Avatar
@Rogue Trooper: Well, the grammar police tell me you're an asshat. Clearly, he meant "based on."

Also, this was fucking hilarious. As far as plumbing goes, Ratchet from R&C is more of a plumber than Mario is and he's a mechanic. At least in one of those games you had a huge level where you had to rid the sewers of evil monsters AND you carry your trusty wrench at all times.

The Samus Aran thing was funny, too. After playing halfway through my first Metroid game ever (that being Prime 3) I had the exact same question in my head: "Why the fuck did I kill everyone if I'm a bounty hunter?"
XivGNP's Avatar
@oni:

LOL, every time i see her go into a morph ball now, i'm going to imagine the tortured wails muffled by the armor. I always find it weird that Gordon Freeman does an awful lot of crowbar-bashing and toilet-chucking for a nuclear physicist (though he DOES push the shopping cart into the giant laser beam in HL1).
Linkoman's Avatar
Great article, but I do disagree with the Samus section. What she is paid to do is to usually clean up when the Galactic Federation screws up somehow. ie when in MP2E the GF marines get lost and lose contact with the GFeds then she is paid to discover what happened to them and bring any survivors home. if anything she's a mercenary
king3vbo's Avatar
SuitcoatAvenger wins an internet
Fuzzy's Avatar
More important than Donkey Kong's name, why the fuck is he wearing a tie? I have to wear a tie to work and I hate it. I tried putting a tie on a monkey at a petting zoo. It didn't end well. I call bullshit on monkey ties!
Paustinj's Avatar
Awesome Article, Genius Anthony Genius.
PrinceofCannedPeaches's Avatar
Unless Mario has been maintaining Peach's pipe system offscreen for the past twenty years...

I think you got Mario's profession wrong, Rev. He's obviously a manwhore.
SourGr8pes's Avatar
Mario and Luigi fixed plumbing all the time in the Super Mario Bros Super Show! I would consider that show canon because Captain Lou was Mario.
rdaneel72's Avatar
What about the billions of hapless minions we've all slaughtered during the course of our videogame careers? Mercinaries, pirates, Nazis, zombies, monsters, genetic super-soldiers; none of which can shoot one single guy in the head. Most enemies in videogames are about as threatening as a bunch of folding chairs set up in an elementary school cafeteria for parent's night.
groudaxius's Avatar
Really had to laugh at the Donkey Kong entry. Well done
jaworsky's Avatar
@Count: Gorillas aren't monkeys anyway.
Neonie's Avatar
LOL, You called Mario a Drug addicted furry :D
akathatoneguy's Avatar
Another one: Ryu from Ninja Gaiden. Has he ever snuck up on ANYBODY?!?!?! I think not.
Brandon Undead's Avatar
I like the alternate text for the Larry photo.
HarassmentPanda's Avatar
Really, really funny Rev. Reading the Samus part made me start to think that someone really needs to make "Dog Prime". A first-person shooter where you're a Hawaiian bounty hunter who doesn't use guns and wants everyone to "go with Christ."
DrNutt's Avatar
Ok, the Donkey Kong one made me almost lol at work.

For a more recent example, how about Jansen from LO?

SPOILER

He's supposed to spy on Kaim and Seth for the bad guy, but pretty much immediately becomes a loyal follower of Kaim, with little to no explanation as to why he betrays Gongora.
Luigi takes over's Avatar
Gordan Freeman is just like Samus


Jesus christ that man is a killing machine/action hero superstar. He hardly does any science at all.
Log1c's Avatar
How about Gordon Freeman : "scientist" all he ever does is shoot zombies and space cadets from another dimension. What is his hypothesis? "if I shoot em in the head, will they die? Does he take data? fuck no, he takes ammo.

And look at Alyx, I don't know of any scientist that even remotely gets the girl.
Roryzilla's Avatar
Literal lol at donkey kong
infinity's Avatar
dude, mario is human drain-o. when he jumps into a pipe and the screen goes black for a second, he's sliding through and pulling out all the gunk.

also lol @ donkey kong.
MasterSauce's Avatar
Dr. Wiley...Why would he make evil robots with powers that could easily be transfered to Mega Man? He needs to get a clue and follow Apple. Proprietary Everything.
Jonathan Kerr's Avatar
From what I know, Donkey Kong's name came from when Miyamoto was looking for a word that meant "silly" or funny, or something like that, and Donkey was a synonym for it in whatever book he was looking at. Kong came because it was associated with gorillas.
niakori's Avatar
Don't read the Reverend's articles while drinking. Coke (the soda) through the nose does NOT feel good!
SWE3tMadness's Avatar
You forgot to mention that Samus can't even make her enemies stay dead after she finally takes them out. How many times have we fought Ridley now? o.O But seriously, I never considered her a "bounty hunter." "Mercenary" is a better fit.

And I lawl'd at the DK mini-rant. So true. xD

(Jonathan Kerr, he was looking for a synonym for "stubborn" or "stupid", if I remember correctly.)
David Quinn Carder's Avatar
This was an awesome article, but . . .

@akathatoneguy

I totally agree! Ryu Hayabusa should have topped this list.
Heretic's Avatar
Hey, you got fail in my Destructoid. Whats with the fuckin digg button >:[
Eschatos's Avatar
How about Gordon Freeman? He's a pretty shitty theoretical physicist.
Cowmaster627's Avatar
Samus is a bounty hunter. Every game she tracks and hunts down the same Fucking abilities!!
Justice's Avatar
I didn't even realise Donkey Kong was in there, I thought you mis-counted for a sec.

Great read.
vp360's Avatar
woot!
DarkGhostHunter's Avatar
Samus Aran HIS A BOUNTY HUNTER OMG WTF ASDFX2!

Remember Metroid: The Return of Samus? She brought to the scientists an ALIVE METROID!

Okey... half of the Zebes population was reduced to dust before that...
Crumpet Lips's Avatar
Donkey Kong was originally intended to be called Monkey Kong but it was not translated properly. I guess that calls for another question though... why the FUCK was he named MONKEY KONG originally!? He is a GORILLA (almost wrote Donkey lul)
Samit Sarkar's Avatar
The Reverend brings the lulz, as always.
HarassmentPanda's Avatar
@Crimpet Lips

Because the game wasn't originally called Monkey Kong to begin with. That whole story is just a myth. The other story, which seems more credible, is that "Donkey" was a word used to mean "stubborn" or "stupid" and "Kong" is the gorilla aspect.
Touch's Avatar
I <i>think</i> the monkey/donkey thing has been debunked now, but I'm not sure...
ElfAngel7's Avatar
To be a proper detective you must be able deliver proper melodramatic inner monologue with a cold cup of gin in your hand. In this regard Payne is quite the successful detective.
notdryad's Avatar
Get a job Mario you lazy fucker.

btw donkey kong bit was amazing.
Tiff's Avatar
I think you deserve a shiny wrapped-up leftover for this one sir.
bbgun06's Avatar
In Gordon's defense, I think the Black Mesa incident ended his career as a physicist. It's hard to do much science when every one expects you to save the human race multiple times.

Alyx, however, is a terrible scientist, and an even worse sidekick. how many times do you have to save her? If I was Gordon, I'd be expecting some favors once I got rid of the Combine.
kawitchate's Avatar
"Mario has been maintaining Peach's pipe system"
"man-sized pipes"
COME ON!!!
Holyetheline's Avatar
It's the fault of the Japanese why Donkey Kong has that ridiculous name. When the Japs named him they were like "Oh what is the english name of the specific animal? Is it 'donkey' or 'kong'... ah f*ck it we'll just use both names, stupid Americans will never question our logic."
Wedge's Avatar
To be fair, I actually remember the Metroid comic in Nintendo power, and there were "bounties" on killing enemies, and bringing back their claws. However, she even failed at that, because she didn't care about making any money off it.
braulio09's Avatar
samus IS a bounty hunter....she gets paid for doing what she's asked, so she IS getting the bounty

if you're wondering when she gets paid, look at the ending of mp3 corruption.
Tragic Hero's Avatar
Thats not a bounty hunter braulio. Just because I get paid to do my job doesn't make me a bounty hunter. She could be a hunter if she paid to kill creatures or an assassin but her job doesn't constitute bounty hunting
KamikazeTutor's Avatar
Ahahahah the Samus one is priceless.

"She's back! And brought a bigger gun! Oh SHI-!"
Wedge's Avatar
Well the misconception people seem to have, is that being a bounty hunter implies you capture things. That's not the case. Killing them is perfectly fine as well, as long as that is what ascribed. What makes it a bounty is being paid on a per kill basis.

By that notion, the Star Fox mercenaries are more bounty hunters than Samus.
BA_Chieftain's Avatar
Princeton's definition off of google's define: bounty hunter
- someone who pursues fugitives or criminals for whom a reward is offered
- a hunter who kills predatory wild animals in order to collect a bounty

I think Samus falls under both of those (she pursues space pirates... she just happens to kill them as well, and metroids definitely fall under the latter). Just add in that she has a shitload of collateral damage.
RJG's Avatar
Samus doesn't morph into the size of a fist. She's half her height. Imagine sitting on the floor with your knees at your chest and your arms around them. Now wrap a metal ball around you. That's all it is.
Dr Milkdad's Avatar
The Bad Dudes suck at being Bad Dudes
Tenro's Avatar
Technically, Dante's a private eye. Can you imagine the shitstorm that would result from him following a cheating husband? He'd be taking the blood away in jars under the belief that it'd be able to strengthen one of his weapons...
Dexter345's Avatar
RJG's right, they actually talk about how the ball is like a meter in diameter or something like that.
Necros's Avatar
"HE'S A GODDAMN GORILLA WHY IS HE NAMED DONKEY WHAT THE FUCK"

FUCK YES.

Also, I've never seen Captain Falcon do any bounty hunting either.
Riovanes's Avatar
"Max Payne -- Detective." BLABLABLABLAM

Funniest shit I've seen all day.
Miguelcar808's Avatar
Chris and Jill on each other games they were on. They did a bad job of finding evidence against Umbrella.
Leon and Claire didn't appear to gather evidence against Umbrella.
Is after all is blown to bits, that they think about it.
What kind of Special Tactics And Rescue Service agent doesn't knock a wooden door down.
glipe's Avatar
I have a problem with the Samus issue, well, and the Gordon Freeman issue too.

If a

surgeon/engineer/scientist/programmer/bounty hunter/etc

gets attacked by a load of

zombies/aliens/nazis/peados/sharks/etc,

kills them and goes on killing them it doesn't change their original profession. They just don't practice their original stuff as much any more.

Samus was a bounty hunter in the original. That was the entire plot as to why she was there and when the sequel came along, the events of the first encounter was what it was based on.

Simply put, Samus is a bounty hunter that had to kill stuff. Doesn't change the job title at all.
Zelnor's Avatar
It's not like ANYONE in the Mushroom Kingdom has a job, or at least only a miniture percentage has - the shopkeepers.
The MK's economy seems to work like this:
Bowser invests coins into new castle / airship / Sealed Evil in a Can / Mini Wieners Galore. Then uses that to kidnap the Princess. Mario (+/- Luigi) travels through n+1 monster-infested areas, beating them to a bloody pulp (making him as much of a genocide machine as Samus, who, BTW, only defends herself - she only attacks what would attack her. In Metroid Fusion, she left those weird alien-ET bastard children alive and let them board her ship.) and stealing whatever they carry, investing that in shops into items. Those shops are then robbed by Bowser in order to get coins for his next plan after Mario has stomped hi mas well, and voila ! We have a cycle.
Oddjob's Avatar
HAHA! quality reportage my friend, however you forgot the videogame character that sucks the most at his job, Master Chief 'Super Soldier'. Our friend John seems to have spent his years of intense military training perfecting the arts of not quite running fast enough to avoid death and jumping with as much evasive capability as a Graaf Zepplin. However his bright shiny red or conversley bright shiny blue camoflague outfits compensate for his ABSOLUTE LACK OF BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING COOL apart from sticking people which is very satisfying. However Masterchief's true job I suppose is shifting thousands of inevitably faulty 360s to owners that only have one because the Wii is pants(NINTENDO PLEASE LET ME PLAY BRAWL) and the PS3 is pants (SONY PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME PLAY RESISTANCE) and they have no other option which he is admittadly very good at.
tehdopefish's Avatar
I was linked here through digg and didnt realize that i was reading the good reverend's work until about halfway through when i noticed how familiar it sounded.

much love dtoid <3
BMaN32x's Avatar
Now wait a minute,

Mario is a plummer, what about Super Mario Sunshine? He was cleaning up nasty gunk spilling out of sewers, pipes, and other places on walls and streets. You could argue that a plumber who works with septic tanks cleans these as well.

BTW, I laughed hard at Donkey Kong.
ceark's Avatar
"but does she know the difficulty of tracking a single target across twelve states?"

HOLY SHIT THAT'S really funny. My morning is much better now. Thanks you.
acharlesmobile's Avatar
Master chief can't swim.
Kryptinite's Avatar
I concur...fuck donkey kong
Polish Hill's Avatar
I died at Donkey Kong and was quickly the attention of stares around me. So worth it.
Nik565's Avatar
that was just hilarious,truly made my day
gleesona's Avatar
"HE'S A GODDAMN GORILLA WHY IS HE NAMED DONKEY WHAT THE FUCK" - I lol'd
Twicky's Avatar
Hah, drug-addicted furry.
Segasonicdude's Avatar
http://www.myextralife.com/?p=7768
Cutie Honey's Avatar
As witty as ever.
And Comment #99?!??!
PANZERDRAKO's Avatar
supongo que hay alguien esperando por ahí para poner el post numero 101, no es cierto?
Phenicks's Avatar
Well i have to say with alien criminals i think it is ok to bring them Dead. Who knows maybe thats the way they are wanted Samus may not be a legit bounty hunter working for the law.
The-Excel's Avatar
Man why did I have to read this while I had the hiccups.
Ronsauce's Avatar
Oddjob:

Master Chief doesn't wear red or blue armour but rather green. He can flip an upturned tank back on its tracks with his bare hands. That's pretty cool if you ask me.

You seem to hate all of the current gen consoles; why are you on this site?
Satsumomo's Avatar
Guys, don't you remember that Mario's first starring game was in fact, a game where he & Luigi would clean pipes from crabs, turtles and other vermin?

"In the sewers of the city, normal animals (turtles, flies, and crabs) have been mutated by the ooze. Two plumbers, The Mario Bros., are working in the sewers when the mutant monsters attack them. The two set out on a journey through the sewers to defeat all the monsters and save the city."
LordRegulus's Avatar
You know, I think being good at his job is one of Master Chief's defining characteristics. He did lay waste to an entire alien civilization, as well as save the universe from an all-consuming communist neurovirus...

Also, Force Monkeys.
cjpkiller's Avatar
earth worm jim was pretty bad at his job...
the earth worm part at least, he rarely wriggled or ate dirt...
instead he killed evil cats goldfishes, and insects
bloggerslim's Avatar
Wow,after 20+ years we still won't nintendo let "donkey" kong down.lol
Detry's Avatar
Fuck Rev, Donkey made me spit pepsi all over my lcd.
taipan1347's Avatar
yeah yeah, funny stuff made me spit on the screen and all that. but just to confirm what someone said a bit higher up the page. Wikipedia proves the Monkey/Donkey translation to be wrong.

and i quote:

Shigeru Miyamoto, creator of the character, believed "donkey" meant "stupid" in English, and assumed the name would convey the sense "stupid ape" to an American audience. When he suggested this name to Nintendo of America, he was ridiculed, but the name stuck
BADInc's Avatar
i always thought he was a donkey
Detry's Avatar
Hah, someone had to bite and the grand prize winner was taipan1347.

That's all I've got for now; did I miss any obvious ones you'd like to add to the list? Did some of the characters not belong? Do you want to tell me the story that everyone already knows concerning the origin of Donkey Kong's name? Hit the comments.
Nainibo's Avatar
Necros:

...Are you implying that you think Captain Falcon is a bounty hunter?

Segasonicdude:

I remember hearing "Freedom Fighter", myself. Which... freeing little animals probably fits under that category. Maybe, anyway.
xyzzy929's Avatar
@niakori
Whaddya mean coke doesn't feel good in the nose? Coke feels great... oh.
LeonSK's Avatar
Max Payne looks like he's constantly pooping himself.
danse11's Avatar
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