Dtoid has broken records before;

first gaming website with the letters "D", "E", "S", T", and "R" in sequence run by a man named Yanier,
first site community blogs
first site to hold three separate alt-RLs that had nothing to do with video games prior to their existence (cashwh0re, batmeng, foxtoid)
first site to employ a shark

But never a record regarding artificial intelligence. Today, Destructoid dot internet makes history as the first website ever to have a virtual fan. 8-27-09; Never forget.






I meant Milo. Don't forget this. Not like you can- you're a compooter.

BRING BACK THE "BRUTAL".

"But Lemon, why did you print out a large photo of Nick "Brutal" Chester's head?"




And since there's no point in making a second blog, LOOK WAT I DID U GUYS.

I haven't read or seen much about Ponyo. To be honest, I didn't know it existed until about a month ago, when Tactix told me of Miyazaki's magic fish coming to the big screen. I was never excited for it either, even after I heard about it, because to be honest, I didn't know what to expect. I know everyone was going batshit for the film, and I had seen the cast list (Featuring the Jonas Brothers' brother and Miley Cyrus's surprisingly less annoying little sister) and I didn't get it. To be honest, I still don't.

I've never seen anything Hayao Miyazaki has done (I think I caught Kiki's Delivery Service on Cartoon Network once, but I can't remember anything about it.) but I've heard the numerous praises for films like Howl's Moving Castle and Spirited Away, and how beautiful the music was and how great the animation is, and while the clip I saw for Ponyo looks a lot like previous Miyazaki works, the music is a bit... uh, different.

So, to whoever okay'd the American version of Ponyo (which is out in theatres now)-

What the fuck is this?

(Welcome to Zombutler & Lemon Discuss, a whenever-the-fuck-we-find-something-interesting-to-talk-about-ly article where everyone's favorite Dtoid community members (and Zombutler and Lemon) discuss the news, funny things they find on the internet, and their love for music. In this weekend article, Zombutler and Lemon talk about things that happened in the internet this week, including an ass-catching viral ad, black kids in Apple Stores, and the Twitter MS-DOS attack.)

Lemon: Welcome to this week's episode of... shit, I forgot what it was called.
Zombutler: Arrested Development.
Lemon: Right. Arrested Development. I'm Ron Howard...
Zombutler: ...and I'm Queen Latifah...
Lemon: and this week, we planned to talk about what happened in the world. Unfortunately, no one gives a shit about that stuff, so instead, we're talking about things that happened on the internet.
Zombutler: yayyyyyyyyyyy internet
Lemon: God, I love the internet. I spend about 30 hours a day on the internet, and the other 7 hours, I'm wishing I were on the internet. But we're not here to talk about me. (Not this week, anyway)
Zombutler: Guess what
Lemon: Chicken butt.
Zombutler: This week in the internet, Samit Sarkar used the word fiddlesticks in an update on the "twitter"
Lemon: That crazy Summit Soccer doesn't know anything about the English language.

Yesterday, I saw a video of a guy catching a netbook with his butt.



It made me laugh, but it was clearly fake for a number of reasons. First of all, everyone in the video was wearing a blue spandex unitard. Two months ago, I made the point of purchasing every single blue unitard, leopard print underwear, and 30 tons of lotion on a credit card American Express gave me in the mail. Either these guys stole one from me, or Amazon was holding back their stock, which is just dickulous. (It's only ridickulous if they do it again.)

Secondly, the netbook in his anus was an MSI wind, which is also bullshit, because no one bought one of those. Especially not five of them. I think I would've heard about that on Gizmondo.com.
Zombutler: I think it's real, because I want it to be. I wanted Stephen Colbert to become president, and it happened, along with a bunch of other things.
Zombutler: Like pubic lice.
Lemon: Or Hannah Monta- wait, no, you're not getting me this time. Pubic lice for me, too.
Zombutler: How can we determine if this is for reals or for not reals?
Lemon: I'll ask Jeeves.
Zombutler: k



Lemon: Jeeves said it was 2 legit 2 quit. That guy really can catch a laptop in his butt. Skillz.
Zombutler: FUCK. Well, since I knew we were going to be discussing this, I took a trip down to the apple store to purchase a computertop to insert in MY anus, but instead I forgot I was poverty. Then my mom and dad made this video,



Zombutler: I GOTTA FEELIN, OOOOO OOOOO
Lemon: You have to what?
Zombutler: THAT TONIGHT I'M GONNA GO TO CHILI'S, OOOO OOOO
Lemon: I'm afraid to click on that link, because I've never heard of "youtube.com". It sounds like something that would give me herpes if I open it. (Or at least like the thing that gave me herpes when I opened it, I think her name was Ron Work-something.) I know what video you're talking about, though. It was on Kotaku earlier.

That little black kid has got some spunk. I do have a problem with his shirt though. It says yellow is the new black, and that totally fucks with my understanding of the color wheel. Like, where am I gonna put the yellow on the color wheel, then? Does it go in place of the black? Is his shirt an insight into the current racist attitude plaguing Asian Americans, where they are being treated poorly in the same mindset of the African Americans of our parents yesteryears?

Or is it a subtle penis joke i don't get?
Zombutler: uh
Zombutler: so I heard that twitter was destroyed by Oprah last week, tell me more about that, Regis.
Lemon: Yeah, I heard it was something about a DDOS attack. What the fuck? I didn't know people still used DOS. Or that it could be used to take down the internet.
Zombutler: Oprah is the new internet. You heard it here first.
Lemon: Oprah gave me free chicken at KFC once. But only once. So fuck you, Borpo.
Zombutler: I heard that Twitter wasn't the only thing to be attacked this week. Is Dane Cook still alive? Because he is hilarious.
Lemon: Dane Cook is a comedy wizard. Like Adam Sandler. Or Benito Mussolini. If someone were to attack him, it'd be Vanaked Anne Hudgens. You see what he said about her during the Twilight Choice Awards?
Zombutler: Yeah, something about vampires, right?
Zombutler: Wait no, I think that was Jay Leno. Continue.
Lemon: He said something about her keeping her clothes on. Get it? If you don't, it's funny because that's the opposite of what she needs to do. It's called reverse biology!
Zombutler: ygoloib?
Lemon: Exactly!



Zombutler: Awesome. Hey lemon?
Lemon: What's up, my African counterpart?
Zombutler: She is watching you masturbate.
Lemon: Well, I'd hate to upset her by doing something else. I guess that's it for another episode of Arrested Development Discuss. I'm electro lemon...
Zombutler: and I'm me.
Lemon: Audios!
Zombutler: Aloha.

(Welcome to Zombutler & Lemon Discuss, a whenever-the-fuck-we-find-something-interesting-to-talk-about-ly article where everyone's favorite Dtoid community members (and Zombutler and Lemon) discuss the news, funny things they find on the internet, and their love for music. In today's article, Zombutler and Lemon talk about Destructoid's troll problem, and how to fix it. Or at the very least, make them less stupid.)

Lemon: Hi, i'm Zombutler.
Zombutler: Wait.
Lemon: NO TIME
Lemon: And I'm also electro lemon. Welcome to Zombutter and Lemon Bread discuss.
Zombutler: HAND SANITIZER!
Lemon: Right on, Zombutler. This week's episode of Zombutler and Lemon Discuss is all about hand sanitizer, and how they're a problem on Destructoid.
Zombutler: I think Hand sanitizers (we'll call them "trolls" for now, it's an acronym) are a persistantly entertaining problem. Really annoying, but hilarious to just watch sometimes, and see how they work. Sorta like pubic lice.
Lemon: Yeah, or Hannah Montana. Wait, no, not that. The opposite of that. Something manly.
Zombutler: You're so gay.
Lemon: You don't know me.

It seems that trolls seem to reside on Destructoid because of Dtoid's ability to pull controversy out of nowhere. A perfect example is their scathing review of inFamous where they gave it an embarrassingly low score of 6.5. I mean, 6.5? Really? IGN's review scale (or as I call it, the review scale) doesn't even go that low. You might as well go up to the developers' respective houses and kick them in the nuts. This low score is what attracts trolls to articles like this, as they try to correct Dtoid's incorrect "opinion" and explain how the game deserves a higher score. nd since their review scale is on a scale of 1 to 10, in this case, a game such as inFamous deserves at least a 10 and a half.

I haven't played the game, but I really like the font used on the cover. What is your take on these so-called hand sanitizers?

Zombutler: First of all, inFAMOUS sucks because the king of video games said so. Second of all, I think that the real beauty of trolls is just how amazing they are at uncovering the truth. I mean, take yesterday's article on the Games on Demand prices (Kameo omg finally). Without HawtRocketHero's fantastic legwork, his research never would have revealed that joys--Destructoid has been accepting weiner sucks for complementary coverage! What an outrage! I sure hope that Grim fellow isn't fired over how low the scor-- how he covered Michael Pachter, once again.

Then again, maybe a new, great video game site could spawn from his termination! They could call it giantpachter. com.

Lemon: tl;dr. That stands for "Too Long; Doctor." I read it on an internet.
Zombutler: Your wife is dead.
Lemon: Pics or it didn't happen. Hah, isn't that such a funny thing to say?

Regarding Grim's Games on Demand article: I must agree with HawtPawkitBadass's view that Mr. Dr. Salvador "Grim" did indeed give blowies in exchange for money. But it's too bad that it's the last article he will ever write. According to Niero's community guidelines, "Our rules for banning are pretty straightforward: spamming, trolling, racism, posting NSFW stuff, and other forms of sucking will not be tolerated." I believe sucking a man's penis is indeed an "other form of sucking", so I will bid a fond farewell to him as I did to our favorite world-famous Destructoid editor, Dr. "Nex" Boa.

Zombutler: Did you see that movie film The Watchman? It was too long. ANYWAY.
Lemon: I own a watch, man.
Zombutler: I think that what we need to focus on here is that TROLLIN, SON, is not just a disease that flares on the front pages of the Destructoid Weekly Times. There are community blog spots, forums, and this thing called "IRK" where the destructoid team has joined forces with Perverted Justice™ to help take care of perverted internet alien vs. predators. But that's another story, for hopefully no day, because I don't wanna talk about it, ok? She said she was 67. She lied.

The forums are an awesome place, mainly because they are hard to find and smelly. Which adds charm. Unfortunately, this makes it easier than ever for spammers and TROLLZ, SON, to start flame wars (whatever that is. comic book thing?) and arguments that get out of control and end up scaring the children. Think of the chilluns, please. What we need to do, is enforce a new strike team, entitled "THE STRIKE TEAM" to fly to these TROLLZ, SON,'s houses, while dressed as David Jaffe, and shout spoilers for ABC's Better Off Ted.

Lemon: Wait, what's a forum?
Zombutler: Shit, I don't know. I got that stuff off of Wikipedia.
Lemon: I love Better Off Ted. I once had the idea to make a spin-off comedy series called "Butter Off Ted" about a man in love with a piece of bread. If it got popular enough, I'd make another spin-off called "Beat Ted Off." It's about an offbeat man named Ted suffering from extreme dyslexia. But there's funny about nothing dyslexia. It's a drama. Wait, what were we talking about. Trolls, right?

One thing admirable about HawtPocketRocket that I saw was how he mentioned that he had a "real job" and would not be able to go to PAX, and I say good for him. Assuming that he doesn't get fired between now and PAX in September, it's safe to say we won't be seeing him at the convention, and it's a good thing, as PAX is pretty much a gateway to the welfare line.

Zombutler: Hey Lemon. My hot pockets are ready.
Lemon: You fuck. You made hot pockets and didn't tell me?
Zombutler: I'VE ONLY GOT TWENTY TWO LEFT, THERE'S NOT ENOUGH FOR BOTH OF US.
Lemon: Oh, okay. Well that's it for this week's episode of As the World Turns. I'm Helen Wagner-
Zombutler: And I'm electro Lemon.
Zombutler & Lemon: Goodnight, Cleveland!