I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix...

...of Sunday Sidequests! Whoo!

Yeah, that's really the only thing Ginsberg-y about this edition of Sunday Sidequests. I was just looking for an excuse to use that. I apologize, this week we'll only be having the straight up face-splitting awesomeness of flash games. Sorry. Really. We'll have to skip the poetry this time round.

Hit the jump for the metaphorical axe that will surely cleave your face in two. 

[Editor's Note: Let it be known that I had this done on time. Due to technical problems I couldn't post it yesterday. Sorry.]

Ah, Superbowl Sunday! For many, an awesome holiday in a sea of mediocre ones (Easter? Valentine's Day? Pfft.), for gamers, not so much. But, I'm sure some of you out there appreciate the great sport of football, with your tackling each other and whatnot. Grabbin' balls.

This week, I have a Bears-themed game! Why? Because they're bastards and they lost me five bucks! That's not a very good reason. Truthfully, it just worked out that way. It's a good game. Promise.

I'm going to try and write this in between buffalo wings.

I was never a huge fan of the Resident Evil games. Not until Resident Evil 4. I still remember, quite vividly, playing the game my first time. The first town, where you're supposed to get the shotgun, I remember it. Specifically, I remember going through it with a handgun, screaming battles cries at the top of my lungs.

God damn, that was a satisfying day.

So it brings me great delight to report on these rumored screenshots of Resident Evil 5. Next week, acclaimed Japanese magazine Famitsu should have a few screenshots for us. You may have heard of Famitsu, they're quite famous, so one can't put this past them; they could very well have pages of screenshots. More likely, a 2 page spread with ultra kawaii chibi Leon-san commenting on his own pictures.

We'll have those screenshots for you if ever they arise. Fingers crossed.

[From: REHorror. Thanks, Lawl.] 

CTZ: "allalalala I do sunday sidequest!"
Sheir: "...what now? Oh, right. Yeah, thanks for that. I had things to do, you know, women problems and the like."
CTZ: "Wut is woman?"
Sheir: "Oh, well, they're just... don't worry about it. They wouldn't like you anyway."
CTZ: "I liek cats and cyborgs lool"
Sheir: "... *click*" 

Well, folks, I'm back. I know you all missed me after that ninja-terrorist hybrid bastard did his mediocre rendition of Sunday Sidequests. But it's cool. It's OK. I'm here now. I'm here to stay.

This week we have a happy balance of badassery in the ever-popular Flash format. Remember guys, all God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring.

We must never, ever be boring.

It's Sunday, everyone, and you know what that means!

No mail, football games, and Sunday Sidequests! And somethin' about Jesus, I'm sure!

This week I have your regular dose of ball kicking badassery in a delicious, thick, frothy Flash-liquid, served in your favorite mug, chilled. I know, I'm the best bartender in the world. Just stop eating all the peanuts, leave me a sweet tip, and we'll be cool, baby.

Hit the jump for the aforementioned badass mumbo jumbo. 

CTZ is a total oxymoron.

This weekend's Destructainment is being manned by yours truly, the ever-lovable Sheir. While CTZ is off doing some weird crap and being some kind of ninja manwhore, he politely asked me to cover for him, and so here I am.

If you've seen the above video, you may notice something very, very odd. It has nothing to do with video games. I apologize for this, it's simply too awesome a video not to post. Let me have one liberty, and we'll proceed amicably.

Hit the jump for some video game oriented videos.

Fronz is a very busy man. He works for many a website, writes many an article, and makes me do many a favor for him while he's in Vegas playing with toys. One of those favors is this here Monday Mind Teasers; a bitch of an article, really. Fronz is silly. Why'd he think of this article? Big idiot.

That's right, I'm cheap-shotting Fronz while he's in Vegas. 

Anyway, since I'm such a nice person, and I'd done it before, I decided I'd do it again. The only technicality is that I refused to do that crossword mumbo jumbo, I have better, more manly things to do with my time. Like, Soccer Practice. 

Hit the jump for a slightly pathetic Monday Mind Teasers. 

That's right, your mind is about to get blown.

This morning--and by this morning, I surely mean this afternoon--I awoke with a slight ache of the head. I assume this is because my body is lacking water, and in a last-ditch effort, my body is seizing it from my brain, which is shrinking my brain, which pulls on the membranes attached to my skull, and thus gives me a headache. I know this because Tyler knows this.

It occurs to me that this is probably one of them hangovers you kids go on about. I mutter something about vitamin water, wipe the drool off my face, and crawl to the computer.

Deciding that I do not deserve this headache, I come to the conclusion that I have to share it with the world.  Enter this mind-f*cking edition of Sunday Sidequests, in which I will supply you with an arsenal of time rifles, so you can shoot all that boredom right in the face.

Brainjobs after the break, sirs and ladies. (Ed's note: This was written Sunday. I f*cked up and deleted the rest of the post, and decided to just redo it today. Sorry.)

So, here we are at Week Two of Sunday Sidequests! Last week, I gave you a taste of what was to come with this article, and now I'm back and ready to punch you in the face with my utter greatness.

This week we have many a flash game. Your typical 3 features will now be accompanied by a lightning round, a bunch of little flash games that I decided should be played, but not featured. It'll be fun. Come along for the ride and throw your mouse at that "View Story" button.

Or click it.
 

Well, well, well. If it isn't a new weekly article with an awesome title (Ego +1). Here at Destructoid, we're all about promoting indie games, and since we're obviously in a position to bring attention to these games, I came up with a (dare I say) genius idea, that being this here article, "Sunday Sidequests."

So, if you do not have the analytical skills to figure out what I'll be doing here, I will explain it to you. Weekly, we will post an article filled with time-wasting, fun, awesome flash games around the internet. If there's one thing I hate more than crying children, it's boredom. Consider this article my battle against that boredom; Sheir's Last Stand, at the Battle of Little Boredhorn.

Don't lie to yourself, that was the best analogy ever.

Now that my ego has successfully leveled up, follow that green and red rectangle to the battlefield. We're winning.

More like WORST BUY AM I RITE!?!1

I sure do love eBay. Not that I would ever buy anything from that God-forsaken land of scammers, high prices, and weird Asian shit, but seeing stupid people do stupid things really makes me feel good about myself. That, and beating women.

So of course I was elated to stumble upon this little, delicious morsel of Wiitardation  this morning. God, I'd love to punch that stupid soccer mom right in the face. Did you even read the auction's title? THIS IS WHY YOU SUCK AT DRIVING!

In all seriousness, though, when an eBay auction like this is seen, is that a testament to the console's pull, or to people's stupidity? Obviously people's stupidity. Not like robots could ever take over someone's mind, right?

Oh, wait.
 

[Image courtesy of: My Confined Space. Thanks to Kevin Cortez for the eBay link.]

 

Holden: If the buzz is any indicator, that [video game]'s gonna make some huge bank.
Jay: What buzz?
Holden: The Internet buzz.
Jay: What the f*ck is the Internet? 
Holden: The Internet is a communication tool used all over the world where people can come together to bitch about [video games] and share pornography with one another.

Ah, Kevin Smith, how I love you so. In a totally heterosexual way, of course. Thus, it makes me extremely happy to finally be able to write about you on this here blog. Yes, ladies and gentleman, Kevin Smith has expressed an interest in video games

And who better to report on it than the guy with the Silent Bob avatar?

Hit the break for his exact quote on the potential Jay and Silent Bob sidescroller. Snoogans. 

As a child, I had the SEGA Genesis. My brother and sister took the NES and SNES for themselves (and later sold it. I will never forgive you, Ricky!), and as a spoiled little bastard I demanded that SEGA Genesis. That enchanting blue hedgehog enamored me in so many ways, it would not be an overstatement to say that I may have "wubbed" him. Not Nex and Summa love, just puppy love. Or hedgehog love. You get what I'm saying.

I still play Sonic from time to time, and I still enjoy it, Sonic The Hedgehog 2 being my favorite. When I heard about SEGA Genesis Collection, I was quite a happy camper. Albeit, I do not camp. As a matter of fact, I hate camping. I contemplated throwing bird seed on the PS3 campers around here. But I digress, I was a damn happy camper. What do I think after I've played it? You may find out after the break.

(A question with an incentive to read the rest of the article? Someone stop me, I'm too good.)

Remember La Pucelle Tactics? It was that type of game where I thought, "Damn, I should pick that up." Then, due to lack of funds, I forgot about it, and it faded into obscurity. That said, I'm glad the company has decided to make a new game, which, as the title of this article implies, is in need of a Web site. To be more specific, a promotional Web site that incorporates Flash, along with your typical videos and screenshots.

I know we have a few talented programmers out there. The original post from Authentic Jobs is after the break. If you apply, don't forget to tell them that Dtoid sent ya. If they don't know who Dtoid is, don't work for them. I'm watching you.