Don't worry, Atlus may be known for its propensity for importing Japanese cruelty (alonside Shin Megami Tensei games), but they promise that THIS time, with the February 10 release of Shiren the Wanderer for Wii, you won't be completely broken.

Atlus first official blog post reveals that despite being a self-professed roguelike (the sort of dungeon-crawler game that ganks all your items when you die), Shiren the Wanderer contains a lot goodness that fans of Shin Megami Tensei and more story-driven JRPGs crave.

The game boasts a huge monster list, massive customization system, three playable characters, and a plot spanning a thousand years. But fans of frustration shouldn't worry, for Project Lead Scott Strichard had this to say:

You veteran dungeon divers who prefer that games come just short of leaping out of the TV and stabbing you have gotta be wondering what Shiren has in store for you. Well, you haven’t been forgotten. How does a 1,000 floor dungeon crawl sound? No, that’s not an extra 0. One. Thousand. Floors.

A floor for every year in the story! It must be good!

It's been said before, but someone really ought to compile the best ESRB ratings and make a book out of them. The latest, and perhaps most surprising, of the game rating summaries is for Assassin's Creed 2, which details some of the game's more sexual moments. The things included in the game are actually pretty amazing.

Rather than stall any further, he's the ESRB's full summary of AC2's sexual content:

The game contains strong sexual overtones. During one "seduction mini-game," players are able to press buttons to kiss a woman and remove her dress; with the woman's back facing the camera, the two characters lower to bed and blow out a candle. Some scenes take place inside brothels, though no nudity or sexual acts are depicted. The dialogue contains the following sexual references: "So the whip or the paddle today?" and "Does your wife know about your page-boy fantasies, Captain?"

Character backstories, narrated through still-frame vignettes, explain how villains and historical figures achieved their notoriety; some biographies include references to adultery, sodomy, prostitution, and rape (e.g., "Caterina was captured and sent to Rodrigo Borgia . . . who kept her imprisoned for a year and is rumored to have raped her alongside his son."). One cutscene depicts a man and a woman wearing translucent, flesh-toned bodysuits as they flee from danger.The digitized lighting effects, the glow from their futuristic suits, obscure most of the details, though outlines of breasts and buttocks are partially discernable (i.e., not definitively nudity).

Consumers may also wish to know that the game contains strong profanity, both in English and Italian (e.g., "f**k," "sh*t," c*zzo," and "m*rda"); the most explicit instance occurs when a man frantically describes a "vision"—"I'm at the opera . . . the soprano is so beautiful . . . I'm in bed with her, she cries as I f**k her."

There's too much greatness in there to pick a favorite, but I do love the fact that whoever wrote this had to make a note of the fact that he/she almost saw breasts and buttocks in one scene by imagining that they were there and deciding that what was imagined was bad enough to mention. I love the ESRB, and I love picturing these grown men and women watching videogame footage and writing about all the breasts they saw.

There is a reason why many Japanese gamers own an Xbox 360, and it's not because they love Halo. It's because Namco Bandai's Tales series is massive over there and, at one time, Tales of Vesperia was an Xbox 360 exclusive. Vesperia helped sell 360 systems in Japan, and ever since the game went multiplatform, users have become infuriated, petitioning the publishers and claiming that it's not fair for a vastly upgraded version of the game to appear on the PS3.

The petition makes a list of demands that address Namco's "underhanded" behavior and "abnormal" decision. It also claims that the 360 users were little more than beta testers for the real version of the game. Here's what the angered masses want from Namco Bandai:

• The games should not be dispersed across multiple platforms, they should be consolidated onto one platform [i.e. Xbox 360].

• The games should be complete and properly made.

• From now on, the porting of titles like Tales of Symphonia and Tales of Vesperia should be abolished.

• An official apology should be made to Xbox 360 users for the abnormal number of additions made to Vesperia only a year after its Xbox 360 release.

• The traces of the later additions found in the Xbox 360 edition should be explained.

• Further bizarre product linkages should not be undertaken.

• Elements of the Tales series [i.e. Patty Fleur] which cannot be enjoyed by all users should not be added.

• Characters and the Tales universe should not be toyed with any more than necessary.

• Certain platforms should not be favoured over others.

• We wish to see user complaints acted upon.

• We wish to see more consideration given to the effects of official actions on the fanbase.

Usually it's the PS3 fans who get upset over multiplatform titles (I still remember the Devil May Cry 4 petition) but at least in this case, I can understand the anger to a point. A lot of Japanese users bought their systems solely for this game, and to find out that it's coming to the PS3 with a boatload of extra goodies must seriously piss them off. Still, some of these demands are pathetic. Besides which, anyone with a brain should have seen this coming.

At the end of the day, when you deal with Namco Bandai, you must expect to be screwed. I've got limited sympathy for anyone that trusted the company over this one.

[Thanks, Unangbangkay]

At E3 this year the Sony press conference had a bit of very good news for the company. The PS3 would play exclusive host to Rockstar's upcoming game AGENT. Those in attendance saw the word agent pop up on the screen and heard a few words about it being exclusive. That was pretty much it. Eventually we learned it was an action game (way to narrow it down) and that it took place in the realm of international spying during the the 1970s. Also, Rockstar says it'll probably resemble the second coming of Christ when it comes out.

But when shall the savior be reborn? Considering the fact that absolutely nothing except for a logo has been shown of the game and that Rockstar likes to nail its games as close to perfection as they can it would be a safe assumption that that date might be some time in 2011. However, according to a community question and answer session on GTA IV at Rockstar's website AGENT is on track to be a 2010 release. 

After being begged that the DLC hit the PS3 Rockstar responded with, "We appreciate the enthusiasm of PlayStation 3 owners and believe us, we understand where you're coming from.  That's why we are working hard on a lineup of PlayStation 3 releases for 2010 that we know you will be very excited to play - including Red Dead Redemption, Max Payne 3, and the PlayStation 3 exclusive AGENT, which is a brand-new title from Rockstar North, the creators of the Grand Theft Auto series.  Plus there's more yet to be announced...  Thanks again for your patience and please stay with us!"

Probably not the most shocking news, but still good news none the less. Of course the next post on the game will be a rumortoid about its delay until 2012, but let's be happy for now.

[Thanks, spector26]

The ludicrous RapeLay controversy just hasn't stopped. The game's been booted out of the United States, torn down from Japanese store shelves, and criticized eight ways from Sunday, but still people are getting angry about it and other titles of its ilk. Now the United Nations has stepped in, urging Japan to continue the work started with RapeLay and ban all questionable games.

The call comes from the Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination against Women, and specifically asks to put a stop to "the sale of video games or cartoons involving rape and sexual violence against women which normalize and promote sexual violence against women and girls."

As I stated in an article a few weeks back, I am disgusted by virtual rape games. However, I really don't agree with banning them. They cause no direct harm to anybody, being fantasy scenarios with virtual characters rather than real women, and people should have a right to create such things, no matter how grotesque it may be to normal people. Once you ban this, you have to ask where it ends. Would the UN like to ban consensual sex between a man and a woman who just happen to indulge in rape fantasies? 

Surely the UN has better things to concern itself about than RapeLay, anyway.

This week, William Usher of the Web site Cinema Blend wrote a rather scathing editorial aimed at the Destructoid community, as well as the community at News 4 Gamers. The article concerned reactions to a story I had written, in which Japanese "rape" games were getting renamed "platinum" games, following the controversy over RapeLay, which has been recently banned due to the outrage it caused when it was found for sale on Amazon.

A number of N4G and Destructoid users criticized the banning of RapeLay, which Cinema Blend has in turn used as a jumping point to argue that those same users must logically enjoy the virtual rape of women, since you cannot defend something without liking the idea of it.

No. 

This is obviously an untrue, and very unfair statement. I would defend RapeLay's right to exist, but it's not because I have any investment, or indeed interest, in virtual rape. Defending something's right to exist has never been about condoning that thing's existence. Come with me as I explain how one can justify RapeLay being sold without justifying the act of rape.

The controversy over Japan's ... specialist ... gaming media continues following the RapeLay madness, with retailers and developers doing whatever they can to appear more clean and wholesome. Take, for example, PC download site BGameBox, a Japanese distributor known for its interactive erotic delights. It's found one way to sell rape games without fear of reprisal, by simply calling rape something else.

Rape games are now being sold under the "Platinum" category, which certainly sounds more refreshing and family-friendly. Meanwhile, the old "Sexual Training" category has now become the "Thoroughbred Category," which sounds even more derogatory, if you ask me. 

Although the categories have been renamed, the games within them could disappear at any time, without warning. As companies continue to clean up their act, the noble tradition of Japanese rape games will undoubtedly be forced to go underground or continue to get marketed under a different label. 

To be honest, I'd rather they just be called "Rape Games" rather than given some new title to make them appear less vile. Now people will just think they're buying MadWorld or Bayonetta from the Platinum Games section, instead getting a surprise when The Erotic Restraints of Miku & Her Milky Nipples arrives on their doorstep.

Capitalizing on the Dragon Quest fever that is currently spreading through Glorious Nippon, RapeLay developer Illusionsoft has announced an H-game suggestively titled Yuusha kara wa Nigerarenai (You Can’t Escape From The Hero).

The fallout over the scandal surrounding RapeLay (i.e. the banning of all rape games in Japan) has caused most eroge companies to close off their webistes to outside IP addresses, and Illusionsoft's official Web site is no different. Illusionsoft has been tight-lipped regarding Yuusha kara wa Nigerarenai, even to its Japanese audience -- most people don't even know which genre this game will fall into.  A demo will be released on Friday that should answer some of those questions, not that freedom-hating gaijin like us will ever get to play it.

What is obvous, however, is that the game's female character models coincidentally resemble the concept designs for several classes found in the Gameboy Color version Square Enix' Dragon Quest III.  Specifically, Illusionsoft seems to have taken the liberty of lifting the designs for female black mages, sages, clerics, and soldiers.

Given Square Enix' history of shutting down fan projects, it's obvious that the company takes it's intellectual property pretty seriously -- I kind of doubt that Yuusha kara wa Nigeranrenai will ever see the light of day.

Check out the gallery for some screenshots, as well as some comparison shots whipped up by GameSetWatch. As a side note, if anyone knows where GSW got those hi-res character designs, I'd like to know.

[Via Sankaku Complex]

Time to start scrubbing those hard drives, kids. A recent article over at GamesPolitics suggests that owners of the controversial hentai title, RapeLay, could be found guilty of possessing child pornography in US courts.

This stems from a recent decision by the 4th US District Court of Appeals where the court refused to hear the appeal of Dwight Whorley of Virginia. While Whorley was convicted for possession of very real pornography of very real children, he was also charged on account of owning manga which depicted children and animals engaged in sexual acts.

Under the 2003 PROTECT Act, owning visual depictions of minors engaged in sexual activity -- regardless of the medium used or if the minor in question even exists -- can be considered a federal crime. Now, this may tempered by whether or not the item can be considered to have artistic or scientific value but it could all fall under that most mysterious of legal terms and be labeled "obscene." You know, whichever way works for the judge.

Under such guidelines, it is not outside the realm of possibility that the game be considered child pornography in the United States. The logical leap would not be an extreme one for a district attorney to go from hentai to hentai games to something like RapeLay. Since the entire plot of the game centers around raping a mother and her two underage daughters, I'm sure you'd have to dig deeper than an oil drill to convince an American judge of its artistic merits.

If you visited Atlus' official Web site before the weekend, be warned. It's possible that a filthy trojan virus found its way onto your PC, courtesy of some scumbags who hacked into the niche game publisher's site and embedded a nasty bit of computer rape. 

Atlus has warned its fans that if they visited the site between 9:00AM PST and 2:30PM PST on Friday, they could be infected. The site was taken offline to prevent the spread of infection, and naturally Atlus has urged users to run a malware scan immediately. 

"The faith and trust of our fans is of the utmost importance to us, a responsibility we don’t take lightly," announced the publisher. 

Wow, online vandals just get classier and classier. To target Atlus of all companies is a new low, even among the societal rejects and dirtballs who think this sort of thing is fun. The very least they could have done was hack into Activision or something. Still wouldn't be a good thing, but at least go for the evil publishers.

You can always count on Japan to skim the line between child molestation and charming merriment. A new erotic game from the country that makes rape fun, Hypnotism Class, grants players the power of mind control. With such mental gifts, what would you do? Become a professional gambler and make money? Become a politician or a spy and serve your country? No, you dunce! You do what any sane man would do and hypnotize young schoolgirls so you can get a good look at their underpants!

Yes, only in Japan would they come up with the idea of hypnotizing the perpetually pubescent so that they'll stand upside down and reveal their tight little knickers for the gratification of all. If you're a filthy pedophile, like the one who wrote into Destructoid last night to complain about my "persecution" of kiddy fiddlers, this game is for you!

In the game, girls will continue to talk to you normally, despite the fact that they are doing handstands and that blood is literally drowning their brains. You'll be able to play in "handstand mode" for the entire game, allowing you to make real the imaginary world of Roman Polanski. Right on!

Television pundits and politicians may claim that videogames allow you to virtually rape women, but really, only a certain few games do that, and they remain in Japan. Come revel in the irony, then, of TV Judge Greg Mathis and his new Street Judge game, which will feature all sorts of sexy prison rape.

"The main difference between our game and Grand Theft Auto is that players will have to deal with the justice system and consequences for their actions," explains Mathis. "When you go to prison, you gain credibility when you come back on the streets. On the other hand, when you go to prison you can also be raped. So take your chances. We may see young people who make the wrong choice and go to prison and are assaulted repeatedly (in this game)."

The game will be a third-person open world shooter, much like GTA, expect with just as much punishment as reward. An interesting a noble goal. That said, I bet if Rockstar were to make the exact same game, FOX News and the rest of the moral warriors would be screaming from the rooftops about virtual orgasmic rape. Mathis here will get nothing but applause.

Yes, an arcade machine version of Guitar Hero (mostly based upon Guitar Hero III) actually exists. While this isn't the first time we have heard about it, I don't believe anyone has taken the time to write about their personal experience with the unit until now.

Guitar Hero Arcade may look sexy and inviting on the outside, but don't be fooled. Dtoider j00zt1n ran into the machine not too long ago and went so far as to write a community blog warning of its mischievous ways.

OKAY SO WAIT. I just dropped a dollar to play a port of a two-year-old game (with a worse controller), with a third the song list of said two-year-old game (many of which you need to pay another dollar to play), and had to compensate for poor timing judgment on the machine... And that's it? I get one song?

Guitar Hero: Arcade is the absolute epitome of a cash-in. And it's people like me, who insist on feeding more and more money to this ever-growing mass of repetition and creative stagnation, who will ensure that we'll see a sequel or four in the coming years.

I cannot say I'm the least bit surprised; this is Guitar Hero we're talking about here, after all. Make sure you read j00zt1n's entire blog and prepare to shake your head in a disapproving fashion.

We always knew that these anti-game wing nuts were looking for problems that weren't there, but never has that idea been so literal. Connecticut State Senator Gayle Slossberg is currently searching as hard as she can for the rape scene in Grand Theft Auto IV, and isn't about to let the fact that no such scene exists stop her:

[Sen. Slossberg] wants confirmation of the rumored rape scene in Grand Theft Auto IV—but she can't reach that level of the game. The Milford state senator's never played GTA, but she fears it's corrupting the youth and thinks a law requiring better warning labels might be the fix. She told the Nose as much at a Capitol press conference last week...

Slossberg hints she'll... introduce legislation next session calling for clearer labeling of depraved video games like Grand Theft Auto...  Slossberg's a bit unsure of how the warning labels might read: "I mean what would it say? 'This game will make you a sociopath'?"

Well, the stupid woman is going to be waiting a long time for her confirmation, considering there isn't any rape in GTA IV. I'd burst into my usual vitriolic outrage at this story, but I'm too busy sniggering bitterly at this imbecilic wench to do so. If ever there was a true snapshot of the idiocy of anti-game lunatics, this would be it -- an out-of-touch politician trying to play a videogame in the hope that she might see some of the rape she heard about.

Says it all, really.

Look, I drink...

and that has a tendency to result in some, let's just say, less-than-industry-standard ideas. For example, at the last Dtoid NARP, I tried to hire both midgets and strippers. Those little bastards make me laugh and I like naked people. Made sense to me. This video shows off something similar. Something that, at the time (and under the alcohol-infused circumstances) sounded like the best idea ever.

The bloopers were shot last year at a hotel following the EA Gamers Day event. It was a great day all around and we didn't want it to stop. One thing I did leave out is that CTZ was also there. What can I say other than, look, I drink... The backstory is simple and in the video, so watch it and stop reading this garbage.

[Workmeng note: This wasn't intended for the front page, so my apologies do go out to anyone that has never heard a dirty word before. It isn't full of swearing, but there might be a few words that are not appropriate for babies, Jebus, Sock monster, Obama, and Hannah Montana.]

50 Cent: Blood in the Sand director Julian Waddows wants his game to be the Burnout of shooters, to take the genre as it exists and emphasize all that is fun.

"We wanted to do for the shooter genre what Burnout did for racers," states Waddows. "What Diablo did for RPGs. We wanted to take all that makes the genre fun and exaggerate it." Well, I think a self-centered rapper mowing down terrorists in the Middle East is quite an exaggeration, so Waddows is off to a good start. 

Blood in the Sand is supposed to actually be looking quite good. The only problem is that 50 Cent is definitely in the top ten least likable people on the planet, and his standing in that list will do nothing but rise once Ian Huntley succeeds in killing himself. Still, the man who lives in his own bullet-drenched fantasy world and should replace the "e" in his name with a more suitable vowel has a fair few fans, so I expect to see this on Gamestation's chart shelf within days of release.

Jack Thompson, controversial attorney and hater of Grand Theft Auto has been recommended guilty in twenty-seven of his thirty-one misconduct charges by Judge Dava Tunis.

Last year, the madcap defense attorney was on trial for charges of misconduct, many of which revolved around his obsession with violent videogames. Tunis has recommended that 27 of the charges be upheld by the Florida Supreme Court, which will make the official ruling:

After considering the arguments presented by the Florida Bar and the Respondent (Thompson), observing the Respondent's demeanor during the nine-day trial proceedings, and carefully reviewing the record consisting of four volumes of exhibits totaling 1700 pages and approximately 2400 pages of transcribed testimony, the Court finds that the facts, circumstances and evidence presented regarding the Respondent's conduct, supports a finding of guilt as to certain Florida Bar rules...

Among the guilty acts are knowingly making false statements in court, dishonest or fraudulent practices and making statements intended only to embarrass or burden other parties rather than contribute anything of use. Sounds like she knows our mutual friend well, eh?

Of course, Thompson continues to prove Tunis right by attacking her and the Florida Bar. While he stomps his feet and shouts, the Supreme Court now holds the testes of Jack's career in its mighty grip. Let's see if they get popped.

If you were a game publisher and I pitched the below idea to you, what would you think?

“Okay, so I have the best idea for a videogame. You play as a cool guy wearing a trench coat, okay? And you run into a school and try to lift up as many girls’ skirts as possible. Now, the difficulty level will be on a scale of one to five panties. One being the easiest, of course. Hehehe. Yeah, I said panties. Oh, and there will be a couple of bonus levels. One of them will have you lifting skirts for bread and the other one will have you feeling up a bronze statue. Yeah, I like bread. Hehehe. Oh, and you can also get cool power-ups to, ya’ know, lift up more skirts and stuff. Hehehe. So, what do you think?” *wipes sweat covered brow*

Raving lunatic? Dirty old man? Both? Well, you are absolutely right in thinking the idea is certifiable, but, surprisingly, it actually exists in the form of flash game Mekuri Master. And you kind of have to click here right now to play it. Seriously, click. Right now. It is amazing.

Jim Sterling thinks he may have found the greatest flash game ever, but I think Mekuri Master may give it a run for its money. If anything, it is definitely the creepiest, right?

What do you think? Amazing or ridiculously amazing?

Dear Silent Hill,

I don't know what it is about you. I have no reason to want to be lost in a place that offers a consistent threat to my ability to remain alive, but I can't seem to stop thinking about you. I think that first time I heard your alarm sound, it was like my bowels were jittering on the verge of evacuation and I figured, this must be love. When I saw Pyramid Head raping those mannequins, all I could think was: I wish I was a mannequin, so he would rape ME. 

All I know is, I love you and my life isn't the same without you. The sooner you come back, the sooner I can can remember what l live for. Also, I can't seem to get off without the shuffling of faceless nurses and the walls around me crumbling into bloody ruin, so I'd really appreciate it if you'd get a move on. Thanks for the new footage though -- now I have something to keep me company until you return.

Passionately, desperately yours,

Rape4EVAR (not my real name)

[Thanks Prof Pew!!!!]

Friday night. It's a time when we all go out to the movies and enjoy the finest pickings that Hollywood has to offer. Well, this week, if you weren't interested in Good Luck Chuck or Sydney White, then Resident Evil: Extinction is your only choice -- because hell, who is going to actually watch a movie that came out last week?

I made sure to get to the theatre a good 20 minutes early, so as to secure myself a grand seat for this film, and went at 2:15 in the afternoon so as to avoid those pesky high-school kids. Alas, the big fans of Paul W.S. Anderson's previous films had already taken the choicest seats. Armed for what would be an unforgettable experience, I enjoyed my Heavenly Sword and Sony Pictures ads that were bombarded at me before the film started.

So, before we get into this, how can I summarize it? Skullf***ing tentacle rape. Now that is sure to make Florian excited. If you don't want to be spoiled, then avoid this review. There's plenty of plot description, so you can laugh and enjoy without having to spend the $6.50 for the film.

To say that Lair has not received the warmest of welcomes by reviewers is to perhaps put things a tad mildly. A long time in development and the usual make-or-break hype has not done enough to stop people panning Factor 5's big PS3 expedition. Well, people who aren't obsessive Sony fans, of course. Unlike said fans, Factor 5 can at least admit when something sucks, but it seems the developer won't admit its own hand in that suckage.

"That is exactly the kick of creating a first-year game: exploring the not-yet-finished hardware and growing the technology while the hardware is coming together," claimed director Julian Eggebrecht when talking to MTV's GameFile. "I think both Rogue Leader and Lair gave a good stab at poking into the depths of the systems for such early titles, and from that you have a second-generation growth opportunity that surpasses most developers that jump onto the bandwagon later."

Shrugging and practically saying "at least we tried" seems to be the order of the day for Lair, but Eggebrecht was keen to make sure that Factor 5 was as blameless as possible for Lair's less than stellar reviews. In a move that would be hilarious if it wasn't rather pitiful, Eggebrecht claimed that the controls were far too 'casual' for those big, mean hardcore game reviewers who apparently hated Lair because they despise anything with motion control.

"The Sixaxis motion control itself feels a lot more organic and free-form than the rigid controls of other flight games and does much better for casual players, as we saw in focus tests. It does seem to alienate some reviewers who are at the top of the hard-core crowd and seem to have a passionate hate for all things motion." I'm not even commenting on that. Such stupidity speaks for itself. 

[Thanks, TheGoldenDonut] 

Aaaaaaaaaaaand welcome, to another hastily written post. The reason for my lack of time, this time, is the fact that last weekend was PAX. Not one to be outdone by silly things like work or poverty, I decided that there was no way Dyson was going to miss this event.

So last Friday at midnight, after going through several cocktails and four hundred dollars, I had found myself in possession of a plane ticket to Seattle and a good buzz. Early Saturday morning found me in desperate need of sleep and aspirin, but also on my way to meet my fellow Dtoiders at Gabe and Tycho's little nerd soiree. 

 Highlights!

• Official BEST WEEK EVAR!! :) :), for real

• Special guest Droobies!

• Fizzball is the sport of kings

• Rev is online deficient
  

• And rants about masturbation?

• Metroid Prime 3 still freaking awesome

• Wii Geometry War = Epic Fail

• Cookies!

So make sure to listen up, folks. There was so much going on this week that we couldn't even fit it into one podcast. But what we did manage to cram in was full of win and awesome, so check it out here.

Also, special thanks to Nathan at Pink Godzilla, and Perry of Messiah Entertainment.  Thanks for everything, you guys were awesome!

We argued about it, we pushed each other around -- heck, Colette even lost some hair from Dyson’s swift, almost ninja-like blows -- but we finally did it: the Retroforce gang compiled a list of the ten best retro franchises that need a major comeback.

And we are talking franchises here, folks, not any of those pansy games that didn’t have the cojones to produce any sequels.

From Battletoads to Maniac Mansion, we will discuss the best franchises left in the dust tonight and which ones really need to reappear on a console or handheld near you. What games made the final cut? Will any of your old favorites be discussed? Are you still knocking stuff off your desks in excitement?

Feel free to leave us any comments before we record or drop a few of your favorite old franchises you would love to see mentioned (you never know, if we see something good the list can still be changed …er … unless you mention Aero the Acrobat … yeah, if you mention that the list will not be changed … sorry).

Check back tomorrow to download the full show and don’t forget: you have to listen to win!

Remember that cool cousin you used to have? You know, the one that wrapped his Camaro around a telephone pole on New Years Day?  Remember, before the accident,  how he could always be found playing one of those old handheld football games; the ones with nothing but red LED lines as graphics? 

Talking about those handhelds would be kind of fun, wouldn't it? Although, I'm not sure if the 'Force and I will stick to discussing ancient handhelds considering that the handheld market -- unlike your dead cousin -- has matured quite a bit since then.

So if you have any handheld shout-outs you'd like for us to tackle, just post 'em here and we'll cover what we can tonight. And don't forget, we'll be starting our weekly contest tonight! Be sure to download the episode tomorrow as fast as you can, so that you have a chance at winning some sexy* prizes.

[*Only the hosts are guaranteed to be sexy, prizes may vary.] 

I like game related merchandise. I can't pretend that I don't get excited when I see Chocobo seat cushions and other such random wackiness. It's so kawaii, after all. But sometimes I feel like there is a strong line between merchandise that is awesome and merchandise that is simply whoring out the game series name, and I'm afraid I feel that the above item falls into the latter category. From PSP Hyper:

The FFVII 10th anniversary celebration continues with this Final Fantasy VII 10th Anniversary Potion straight out of Shinra Inc, or rather premium maker Suntory in Japan. Just like the Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII special PSP bundle, there will only be 77,777 bottles of these and it sets to come out on September 13th, when Crisis Core went on sale. I am not sure what effect the potion, said to contain Vitamin B1 will have on you, but the detail is on the official site if you read Japanese. The price? 3,980 Yen tax inclusive or around US$32.

The potion will be pack in a classy looking white packaging which also include a book called FINAL FANTASY VII 10th ANNIVERSARY ULTIMANIA, covering every title in the Compilation of Final Fantasy VII.

I can dig the book, and the packaging looks great. I guess I just don't get the potion. There were materia made around the time of Final Fantasy 7 and I didn't quite get that either. Maybe the reach of my geekdom is shorter than I think. At any rate, hit the comments and explain to me why I don't think this is cool. *puts on moogle hat and waits*

Moderated by Corey Bridges, Executive Producer for the Multiverse Network (who gets an A for Effort and an S for STFUALRPS), this event was really about hoping that the guy who made World of Warcraft would publicly ridicule the guy who made such digital clusterf*cks as Star Wars Galaxies and The Matrix Online. Hit the jump for all the nerdy bitch-slapping and verbal hair-pulling you can handle, a bit of wisdom for all those working on their own MMO, and a little information on why Starcraft: Ghost is still a possibility.

Rob Pardo’s wallet

A chair

Kotaku has word that between 80 and 100 employees at Sony Computer Entertainment of America's Foster City headquarters were given pink slips earlier today.

The layoffs came as a surprise to everyone, aside from all of those people with memories lucid enough to recall Sony's recent financial reports which, spurned on by the disappointing performance of their PlayStation 3 console, were covered in enough red ink to choke a tampon.

Here's a quote from SCEA's Dave Karraker regarding the layoffs:

In an effort to accurately align the company to meet the changing needs of our consumers and of our industry, Sony Computer Entertainment America has found it necessary to analyze our current business and to restructure the company as necessary to continue our standing as the market leader

How this will affect Sony's future is unapparent, but there's simply no way to spin this as a positive for the company. I mean, I could lie to you and say that everyone fired was actually a werewolf, but you wouldn't believe me anyway.

Jerk.

After getting the crap beat out of me by the Heavenly Sword build that kept crashing -- I think I lost track after three consecutive Mr. Freezes -- I was finally treated to another short and sweet demo of a game that easily could pass as the sexy girl version of God of War for the next generation.

Just about every aspect of this game screams God of War -- whether it be the controls, fixed camera or timed-button presses; the lead character just doesn't have a penis this time, unless she's one of those. But, would you complain about another chocolate bar trying to be like Hershey or any other quality candy? No, you'd eat that sh*t up just the same. 

Well, I guess the same principle applies to Heavenly Sword. Why try to divert from such a successful formula? Hey, it works for just about everyone else.

Anyway, from the five minutes or so that the demo did last, the game was fairly solid -- nevermind the previous crashes that took place before actually being able to play. The combos and moves this scantily-clad warrior are able to pull off are pretty much awesome and, well, off the hook if I may be frank. And the various counters and sword moves ... mmmm, delicious.

And this can limit me from attending events. This time, I missed out on the Halo 3 Beta event in San Francisco. Luckily, Destructoid is filled with smart talented people like Rob "Buns of Steel" Summa, Hamsa "CTZ - Maibox Head" Aziz. and Dan "Husky Hog - Better than Puppet" Lingen, and they can step up and get the job done.

Check out the "Preview" Video of the event in case you didn't get an invite, or like me, you woke up in a truck stop bathroom in Georgia and the weekend flew by. Don't ask what I had to do to get home.

I think this one even beats Panic Park for the kooky factor. The player must control the dog via leash while walking on a treadmill, carefully monitoring speed and avoiding obstacles such as neightborhood cars and enemy dogs on meth. Ok, I made up the meth part. You have to take it before playing the game. Ron Workman may have some left if you need to restock. Anyway, if you like the DDR revolution but also like to play Nintendogs, this is likely the arcade wet dream for you.

[Via TokyoMango, thanks James!] 

Why does every jerk in art school take it upon himself to cause mass fanboy hysteria with phony video game mock-ups? Because they can. Luckily, a liberal arts degree can leave you light in the vernacular pants and thus result in laughable faux press releases:

UPCOMING EXCITE TRUCK 2 - FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

VANCOUVER, B.C., April 21, 2007 – Lack racing games on your Wii system ? Excite Truck 2 is on the way.

As every multiplayer addict asked for it, Excite Truck 2 will have an online multiplayer mode: up to 6 players, with Mii dispay. According to Nintendo's privacy policy, the "friend code" system will be applicated. A lot of online options will be available.

A bunch of new tracks will be playable with 8 environments, among which the brand new couple of tracks taking place on the Moon. Be sure that you will take a flight at low gravity! The "Stars" system during the race is still there, and you will have to master two new tricks: frontflip and backflip. Those who already played Excite Truck can easily imagine the way they will be able to perform these tricks!  With your "Stars", get some "Excite Points" to upgrade your truck to an amazing monster of steel an power!

The graphics will be improved, with better visual effects and shadows. We even implemented several ambiances to every track, like dawn or sunset. The two sreenshots linked below were taken from a beta version, but they already show the global quality of the game.

Attached are two artist renderings of what Excite Truck 2 might be like, a sequel that we'll surely see in our lifetime but will hopefully look more polished than dusty fox feces. Nintendo has confirmed the lameness of this hoax by dispatching photos of the hidden knifeblades in their lawyer's shoes.

Besides, Nintendo actually doing something with their Mii's? ROFLMAO suuuure.

[Via NeoGAF] (thx LT, Colette)