Raised in a family of real-life defense attorneys, I've been interested in seeing how Capcom could take something as serious as law and transform it into a game. While I'm not that interested in buying them for the DS, I am certainly interested in checking them out when Capcom re-releases the first three Phoenix Wright games for WiiWare, at 1000 points each next Spring.

Those expecting something new from these ports are going to be disappointed. Other than the trademark "Objection!" pose you can make with the Wiimote (as opposed to yelling "objection" into a mic), sounds coming from the controller's speaker, and multiple save slots, that's all you're going to get that is different. These are straight up ports of the DS titles, but considering the price, it's not a bad deal. Hands on? It's Phoenix Wright, so you'll be dealing with all sorts of court room antics. While the lack of touchscreen options will irk somebody somewhere, normal people will not notice or care.

Sure, we can bitch about the lack of new content, massivly pixilated graphics, equally massive borders due to different screen ratios, and the odd fact that Capcom is releasing the DS exclusive mission from the first game as DLC at 100 Nintendo points. However, when you consider that you'll be able to get all three of the original Phoenix Wright games for $31, it really doesn't seem so bad. Expect the first Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney in January, Justice for All in March, and Trials and Tribulations in May. Fans of Apollo Justice, tough poopie, as it looks like Capcom has not decided to port that game to WiiWare. Maybe if this does well, Capcom can make a proper Ace Attorney game for a console in the future.

[Update: See picture of myself rocking the best Objection! you've ever seen]

What has always been completely amazing about the Ace Attorney games is their incredible quality throughout the series. Most game series start losing steam around number three, but the adventures of Phoenix Wright, and more recently Apollo Justice, have always been top notch. The games have consistently featured great writing and fantastic mysteries, and the next game in the series, Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgworth seem to be no different.

How do I know? Why I've played the first level, and so can you. Our friends over at Japanator have gotten their hands on a flash version of the point-and-click adventure and it has the entire first case on it. The gameplay is a bit different since you're taking on the role of a prosecutor, but it still has all the classic humor and style of the Ace Attorney games. Anyway, isn't everyone tired of defending the wrongly accused? Let's send some jerks to jail for a change.

Capcom's classic DS game, Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney, may possibly be heading to the Wii if Germany's recent USK rating is to be believed. The game has been listed for Nintendo's white waggle box, meaning that players may very well be able to enjoy the defense attorney's adventures on a home console!

Rating boards like the USK and ESRB are often good sources of game information, and have revealed many games in the past. It's possible that this new listing is a mistake and was categorized for the Wii by accident. However, it's been very rare for these rating boards to steer us wrong, so while it's highly possible that mistakes could have been made, it would certainly be unusual.

The game was ported to the PC in Japan, so we know that Phoenix Wright assets exist in a larger resolution. It shouldn't be a big deal to create a Wii version, either for retail or as a WiiWare download. All signs point to it being a remake of the original game, which is no bad thing, considering it's kind of awesome.

Would you want to play Phoenix Wright on the Wii, or should it remain on the DS?

Do you love the Ace Attorney series? Me too! Have you been anxiously awaiting the release of Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth? So have I!

The bad news is that the game is still scheduled for release in February, but Capcom's got something to tide you over. The official English website for the game launched today, and it's full of character profiles, screenshots, and a special blog from the producer of the game just for US fans. And a really awesome dramatic song.

I got some short hands-on time with the game back at Comic Con, and it's looking awesome. Definitely different from the previous Ace Attorney games, but it still retains the same feel and atmosphere the other games so successfully established. For me, February can't come soon enough.

With the Ace Attorney series largely behind us, where can we turn for quirky DS mystery titles? Well, why not stick with Takumi Shuu, the director of the series, for his new title Ghost Trick. Just announced by Capcom in the latest issue of Famitsu, the title is slated for a 2010 release, according to Canned Dogs.

The main character, Sissel, is dead. Somebody shot him. Yet his spirit has come back from the dead to try and solve the case! Equipped with special powers, the only problem is that he doesn't quite remember everything that happened before he died. He's only got a few hours to live, and so he's got to solve the case quickly and keep the detective alive who's working on his case.

I'm sure we'll get more details as the game draws closer to its release date -- and Capcom will likely have some more information when we hit the show floor at Tokyo Game Show. We just have to liquor them up a bit. You can check out the scans from Famitsu down in the gallery to get an idea of what the art will look like.

Have you ever played an Ace Attorney game and thought to yourself, "Man, this would be so much better if it wasn't on the DS"? Of course you haven't, because that would be idiotic and you're not an idiot. Are you? If you are, then allow Capcom to dash your hopes of seeing Wright on the Wii, PS3 or 360.

"Right now, we have no plans to make ports for any other hardware," explains producer Motohide Eshiro.

"It’s not that we don’t like other hardware and that we don’t want to do it. It’s just it was original made for handhelds, it was made to be played on the go, and also the interface we created the game, especially for Ace Attorney Investigations, uses the touch screen and we want people to interact with that. You can’t replicate that on Xbox Live. For us, the DS seems like the most natural fit."

I really couldn't imagine playing Phoenix Wright on a home console, actually. Sometimes tells me it would lose a little of its charm if it went all Hi-Def.

Capcom is once again giving one of its franchises the art book treatment. Previous, Street Fighter and Darkstalkers have had art books courtesy of UDON, and now everyone's favorite impossibly-haired defense attorney is getting one.

Due out in October, the 240-page tome contains art from all three Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney games, as well as from Apollo Justice. The popular DS series has a rabid cult following, and it's great to see some extra material for the ludicrous franchise. 

Might be tempted to pick this one up. How about you?

In an interview with NGamer magazine, Tatsunoko vs. Capcom producer Ryota Niitsuma revealed that everyone's favorite defense attorney, Phoenix Wright, had been planned as a playable character in the crossover fighting game. Unfortunately, the team found difficulty in creating a moveset for Wright, due to his limited arsenal of combat techniques:

...because Phoenix Wright only has one move, 'Objection!', we struggled. We designed a move for him: when he says objection, the actual writing attacks the opponent. However, 'objection' in Japanese is 'igiari' -- it's four characters, whereas 'objection' becomes ten. When we localise, the balance of the game gets destroyed because the move becomes bigger. There'd be no way of avoiding it! We had to remove him for these reasons. In the future, it is one of our aims to get him in.

So, there's still hope that we may see Phoenix crop up in the future. What would be really awesome is if they decided to just make him a character unique to the North American release of the game. Only having him available in one special version of the game, the one that I will be buying and playing on my Wii, seems like a perfectly reasonable solution to me.

If you are excited about the new Ace Attorney INVESTIGATIONS: Miles Edgeworth game for the Nintendo DS, let me hear you say “Eureka!”

EUREKA!

Man, I can’t wait for this game. Sadly, since I couldn’t make it to Comic-Con this year, I did not have a chance to get my Phoenix Wright-obsessed little hands on the game. But luckily there is something to satiate my scary, somewhat stalker-esque need to play. Capcom just dropped us a note this morning to let us know the official INVESTIGATIONS Web site has gone live!

Check out the colorful site right here and feast your eyes on a slew of beautiful screens, a trailer for the anticipated game, and so much more!

February 2010 is so far away ...

Fantastic news!

If you're as obsessed with Phoenix Wright as I am, these new magazine scans for Perfect Prosecutor will make you extremely happy. My favorite PW fansite, Court Records, got their hands on the latest Famitsu, which happens to have two full pages about the upcoming game. I won't talk about it much, since some people consider knowing which characters are returning to be spoilers, but I will say that it looks like a guy from the previous games is a furry.

If you don't mind knowing who's going to be returning, check out the scans here and here!

SO EXCITED!

[Thanks Scary Womanizing Pig Mask!!!]

Well, will you look at that. Some brilliant gamer has decided to bring his love to gaming into the world of fashion, and the result is better than any overpriced designer Mario shirt. The artist actually retooled a pair of Converse to make Noby Noby Boy shoes a while back, and these are his (or her!) latest creation.

Perhaps the paint would crack after some wear (just like every pair of Vans I've ever owned, they always get a crease at that point where you bend your foot while walking), but I can't help but think these might be worth it anyway. They were for sale on eBay UK, but the listing is gone, presumably because some rabid Phoenix Wright fan offered the artist their life savings and first born child to be able to own them!

[Via Wonderland] 

Eureka! You knew it was coming, but get excited anyway. It's okay. I'll wait.

No, we're excited too. It made our most-anticipated games list for this year. And it makes a lot more sense than being excited about a nine-year-old game that we all already have being re-released as a download. Yep, I said that. Objection?

Fresh from Capcom's event Captivate '09 comes this rousing trailer for Miles Edgeworth: Ace Attorney Investigations, the spin-off from the crazy popular Phoenix Wright games that features the purple-wearing prosecuting attorney. Wait, why am I telling you this. You already know this.

The trailer only shows us about four or five English scenes. If you look close, you'll see some untranslated shots toward the end of the video. So they threw this together for the event. So what? We're still excited, right?

Last week was another battle between a recent-ish DS game versus an older DS game, and this time the support was for the other side of the fence. Here are the results:

• Henry Hatsworth in the Puzzling Adventure (36 votes) -- Good Show!
• Puzzle Quest: Challenge of the Warlords (9 votes)

This week we enter the finals round of the Nintendo DS brackets. Both contenders received tremendous amounts of support leading up to the finals, so I predict a lot of people will be torn when casting their vote. In true odd debate fashion, these two games are very hard to compare to one another, so I look forward to reading a lot of well thought out comments this week.

Which game do you think is better, and why? Give it some serious thought, get some DS friends to share their opinions as well, and check back next week for the winner.

Bonus Question: What four PSP games would you like to see in the next few rounds of debate?

Japan seriously gets the best limited edition sets ever. Case in point, the Miles Edgeworth: Perfect Prosecutor limited edition set looks simply amazing. The limited edition package is coming with all of this win:  

• Gyakuten Meets Orchestra mini album that contains five songs from the game re-done by the Tokyo Symphonic Orchestra. Example of the orchestra's past work here.
• DVD with footage from the Special Court Hearing Event, Tokyo Game Show, How to Play and more.
• Concert pamphlet with a look at the Manga by the Art Director. 
• Character portrait cards
• Miles Edgeworth: Perfect Prosecutor the game (duh)

That's all cool, right? Well that's not all! You'll also be receiving this Miles Edgeworth tea cup for pre-ordering the game. Yes, a f*cking tea cup. How awesome is that? And don't forget about the limited edition Miles Edgeworth DSi that's coming out too. The unit is going for $240 and comes with the game.

Safe to say that there won't be anything like this for the US release. We might get a Miles Edgeworth themed stylus or strap at best. That's cool too, I guess. Eh. 

[Via Scary Womanizing Pig Mask's blog and Capcom-Unity]

Last week was the conclusion of the PS3 odd debate brackets, and we certainly finished with an incredibly crazy comparison and contrast competition. With two games that are nothing alike, everyone had to give a lot of thought to how they'd vote, and for what reasons. However, in the end, the winner was clear. Here are the results:

• Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots (41 votes) -- Winner!
• LittleBigPlanet (26 votes)

This week we move on to the Nintendo DS brackets. With the DS being an insatiable handheld gaming device with record-breaking sales, there's no short list of games to choose from. Based on past popularity and the suggestions you all left in last week's comments, I've narrowed the picks down to a few iconic DS games.

For this week we choose between Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney, the game that started a fervent series of legal leisure and laughs, and Professor Layton and the Curious Village, the quirky and enigmatic game that has spawned a series of its own. Which game do you think is better, and why? Give it some serious thought, get some DS friends to share their opinions as well, and check back next week for the winner.

Bonus Question: What was one thing you didn't like about the game you voted for?

Here's the thing: either you're excited by this headline or you have no earthly idea what I'm talking about.

For the former, Famitsu has info and pictures on this "premium edition" DSi system, which sports mascot Taiho-kun (Blue Badger) from Capcom's Gyakuten Kenji, or Turnabout Prosecutor, a Miles-based spin-off from the Ace Attorney games. Ace Attorney Investigations, we think it will be called.

Anyway, this bundle, containing the slick system and game, will be sold in Japan starting May 28th, for 23,940 yen, or $239.40 (the yen and dollar are exactly even today!). In our gallery is a slick box shot of the bundle, as well as a couple of screenshots of the upcoming game. 

Ace Attorney fans, are you sold on the DSi now? If not for the games, then just this system itself?

[As originally posted on Japanator]

What have you created, Japan? We've talked about the Phoenix Wright takarazuka production before, and so now I present to you some footage from the production. And boy, is it something special.

The production looks pretty good, I must admit. The characters look fantastic -- especially Edgeworth -- and they seem to have the humor down. What disturbs me, though, is that at random points in the case, usually when clues are discovered or Phoenix makes a major objection, the whole stage breaks out into sudden singing and dancing. I'm sure this is fairly common for takarazuka, but it's still weird to see.

While we're only seeing about six minutes of footage from what I would guess to be a two hour play, I was a little disappointed with the music. The soundtrack to Phoenix Wright was one of my favorites in recent memory, and to see Phoenix shout "objection!" with a dramatic pause following it, there should be some sort of musical cue. But, that's just my personal preference.

So, who's ready to grab some tickets to Japan and go see this with me?

[Thanks to Scary Womanizing Pig Mask for this!]

Here's Ranji Tomu, the lady charged with playing the lead role of Phoenix Wright in the upcoming Takarazuka play of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney. This is an introduction video, where she spends a bit of time talking about what she's looking forward to with the production -- namely to show you the courtroom drama and romance of the Phoenix Wright story through dance and song.

As disturbing as that may sound, a romance between Phoenix and Edgeworth isn't so horrible when they're both girls. It's kind of like Koizumi and Kyon in the universe of Kyon-ko.

The second half of the video is Ranji going through the Official Phoenix Wright Fanbook's character reactions chart, and saying whether or not she thinks these things are plausible -- like Phoenix tapping his paper whenever he's got something, or Larry always mucking things up.

We end with a reminder that the play opens on February 5th. Anyone want to buy me tickets? Please, for the love of God, buy me tickets! Also, if you're curious as to what a Takarazuka play looks like, head after the jump.

And now for your ogling pleasure: the poster for the Takarazuka musical version of Phoenix Wright, Gyakuten Saiban: Resurrected Truth. As you can see, our favorite characters above are most certainly played by ladies, as I reported back in September.

The poster's tagline reads "Can you believe the person you love... Can you keep on believing...". That hardly seems to have anything to do with the Phoenix Wright that I know, but watching a cast of women play out a love story as they pretend to be men has got to be interesting. Downright kinky, even. I wish I could be there to see it!

[Via Kotaku]

[As originally posted on Japanator]

Hold it! I know you're scrolling past this review because it means you've got to do a lot of reading, but where will you get in life with that attitude? The poor house. That's where. Do you want to end up in the gutter, robbing people to get food? No, you want to read this review, and have it serve as an inspiration to become a lawyer, just like Phoenix Wright.

Capcom's wildly successful Phoenix Wright series got a series of manga chapters compiled by various writers and artists in order to promote the series in 2006. And so finally, Del Rey Manga (with its collection of swanky bow ties) licensed the manga and has recently put out this collection of Phoenix Wright stories, with two more volumes to come, if memory serves me right.

Without further ado, let's head after the jump and find out why it's objectionable to pass this title up.

Cross-dressing performers, you say? Well, in Japan that's not necessarily scandalous -- Kabuki theatre has been featuring such gender-bending activity since its origin in 1603. The Takarazuka Revue is a Japanese musical theatre troupe that performs mostly lavish Western-style productions, with a sprinkling of originals, manga and novel adaptions. Come next February, they will take on the Phoenix Wright series, adding some considerable sex appeal by cross-dressing as the majority of the characters.

Worth noting: the production will present Phoenix Wright with his English name, rather than Ryuichi Naruhodo, which is the character's Japanese name. He will be played by actress Ranju Tomu, who is quite lovely with or without her man makeup if you ask me.

Coolest thing ever, or COOLEST THING EVER? Attention Chad Concelmo: you want to split a hotel room in Japan with me so we can go see this? Afterwards, we'll learn all the music and do a special edition of RetroforceGo! simply called "Phoenix Wright The Musical: RFGO! Sings".

[Via Kotaku -- Thanks, Joe]

Over at the Gyakuten Meets Orchestra blog, it's business as usual. The tickets for their September 23rd show will soon be released, but they've got something to say to those buying tickets.

"We have plans for this fall's special courtroom." They say. It's a project called "New Gyaukuten Saiban NOT game." The start of this project was several years ago, and they've had to deal with things here and there, but they'll finally be able to announce it! Well, we have to wait until the concert to hear about it, just to tease us.

Oh, but next week there's voice recording? And there'll be a special illustration done next week? Hmm, all signs point to an anime in the works. The manga is already out and doing well, so I don't see why an anime wouldn't follow suit. Unless it's going to be a J-drama all of a sudden, which I'd still jump for joy over.

[Thanks much, Scary Womanizing Pig Mask!]

I chatted you up about the upcoming Ace Attorney universe spin-off Perfect Prosecutor (Gyakuten Kenji vs Gyakuten Saiban) earlier this month, and for those of you foaming at the mouth for more crime-solving, these new screens courtesy of Jeux-France ought to whet your appetite.

While no information about a US release has come to light, I have more news to make you envy the Japanese -- Capcom has announced that the previous volumes of the Ace Attorney series will see a reduction in price, falling to 2100 Yen each (roughly $20 US.) There's no telling if something like this price cut will make it to the US, although hardcore fans would likely buy it one way or the other (but our pocketbooks would surely appreciate the sentiment.)

The Jeux-France article also clarifies that the object of Perfect Prosecutor is to incarcerate Benjamin Hunter, an name you'll easily remember if you're a hardcore fan of the series in both its English and Japanese incarnations (hint hint.) Surely it will be worth many a fan's mad glee to be able to learn more about some of these characters that weren't fully fleshed out before. Announce a US release date, Capcom!

[Thanks Justin]

Fans of Trauma Center saw Lifesigns as a direct rip off, although after playing the two games I can say that they aren't quite the same thing. On the other hand, Capcom's new Phoenix Wright spinoff, Gyakuten Kenji vs Gyakuten Saiban (Perfect Prosecutor), comes with the distinguished Capcom pedigree proudly stamped on its breast.

From what we can ascertain from the new scan that recently popped up in Famitsu, Perfect Prosecutor places you in the role of the prosecutor and has you after familar faces such as Miles Edgeworth and Dick Gumshoe (which might be the greatest names for supporting chararcters in a game ever.) Edgeworth seems to be combing crime scenes for possible missed evidence. Also, new detective mechanics will be introduced, which ought to please many a fan of the original series.  

No word on price or release date yet, but as soon as more info comes down the pipeline we will send it directly to your feeding tube for mass consumption. I love the DS focus on weird nerdy subsects lately like crime drama and medical emergency. Obviously its going over well with American and Japanese fans alike, so here's to hoping we get drenched in quirky titles in the next few years.

[Via C3 News - Thanks, Jonathan]

Online video game petitions are known for one thing; being ignored by game developers. This due to many factors, not the least of which is that these petitions are often written in English, but are directed at Japanese developers. That luckily isn't an issue for the currently open petition by GoNintendo editor RawMeatCowboy asking Capcom to bring it's long dormant Bionic Commando franchise to the Wii. 

Hit the jump to read what Ben Judd, the producer of the 360 and PS3 bound games Bionic Commando and Bionic Commando Rearmed (and the voice of the American Phoenix Wright) has to say about the petition, with some bonus sales data on Capcom Wii games thrown in just for the thrill of it.

Speaking of thrills, don't forget to check out the Bionic Commando Wii Petition contest. Entering is a good idea because it's fun and potentially profitable, while simultaniously a bad idea as it will support the creation of a potentially terrible thing, that being a horrid Bionic Commando port to the Wii. 

See what I did there? 

[Via GoNintendo]

If you salivated on everything in reach when you got your paws on the free Flash demo for Ace Attorney: Apollo Justice, it may be about to happen again: Japanese Famicom series Jinguuji Saburo is coming to the US. The game originally appeared on the Famicom and has since seen an incarnation on the Sega Saturn. The American title will be Jake Hunter:Detective Chronicles and is said to be much more "grim and serious" than the Phoenix Wright series.

If you're still with me after the grim and serious bit, let me share with you an interesting quote from a member of the American localization team: " (The game is) closer to a straight forward digital novel...you'll still need to search for clues, talk to witnesses, find the right line of questioning to progress in the game." Translation for those of you too lazy to contemplate that: more reading than Phoenix Wright.

The game will feature three different cases and will be priced to sell at $19.99. The developers estimate about 15 hours total play time for the game, but knowing the type of gamer than loves this genre, you can likely complete it even faster than that. Aksys will bring the DS title to North America in Spring 2008. Indie gem or total tripe? We haven't a clue, but updates will come as we find out more about it.

[Via AdventureGamers -- Thanks Jonathan]

This week's fake game was conceptualized and attractively Photoshopped by pissedcheese, a man whose alias conjures up all manner of unpleasant mental images. In case Luigi's suit and exclamation didn't clue you in, cheese came up with Luigi Mario: 1up Attorney, a parody/spinoff of the Phoenix Wright series.

Defend some of Nintendo's biggest celebrities against the crimes that made them famous: Pauline vs Donkey Kong, Bowser vs Mario, Peach vs Anyone Who Thinks Peach is a Huge Bitch.

pissedcheese actually made two Photoshops and a reasonably detailed gameplay synopsis, which you can (and should) read after the jump.

If you've followed the Phoenix Wright series since day one, you've surely had the pleasure of steering the future of many a court case (not to mention enjoying the wit of one of the best dialogue-driven series since the days of Lucasarts.) Trials and Tribulations is the final chapter in the popular trilogy starring Phoenix Wright, a hotshot attorney who was still wet behind the ears when the series began.

Hit the jump to find out why Phoenix is in the witness chair this time around, who the hell Godot is, and why a game can get away with a supporting character who openly talks about his hemorroids and can still keep you laughing.

Look, I found the first ten thousand Lolcat images as funny as everybody else did, but there comes a time to draw a line, and I think Capcom has proven it. The Internet meme has already been assimilated into the Halo 3 hype machine, but Capcom feels that its Phoenix Wright series can exploit the overdone (and these days, quite uninspired) feline images for its own ends.

To this end, Capcom is running a contest in which all you have to do is place a Lolcat-style piece of text on a Phoenix Wright image. The funniest ones will receive prizes consisting of signed posters, plush toys and free copies of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trials & Tribulations. Why, it's so easy even my Dad could do it, and he's missing, presumed dead!

Capcom is also running a "What *Really* Happened to Harvey?" contest which tasks entrants with the job of creating a Harvey Birdman comic strip using handy templates. If you want Harvey Birdman bobbleheads, wall tins (whatever those are) and DVDs of Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law, you might be interested. 

Back to the main story -- can we just agree that the whole Lolcat craze peaked with "Let me show you my Pokemans" and come to terms with the fact that it's been downhill from there?

[Thanks Justin]

Plaintiff's attorney: A free Phoenix Wright plush doll? That's Preposterous!

Dale North, Ace Attorney: Your Honor(s), may I present exhibit "A": a post on Capcom's Blog titled "Post details: New Ace Attorney Pre-Order Plush Exclusive!" Let the record show that the above pictured item can be procured from Gamestop or the Capcom Store with the purchase of Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Trials and Tribulations for the Nintendo DS.

Exhibit "A" also states that the store may not be updated yet as this news is "so fresh", and that there will be concequences for not pre-ordering early enough.

And with that, the defense rests, your Honor.

[The court thanks J, our favorite agent]
 

Japanator's friend Gia has brought us word from the San Diego Comic Convention that Del-Ray manga has licensed the promotional Phoenix Wright manga that came out in Japan. According to Gia, their plan is to release the first volume around the same time as the next game comes out -- which is only a scant two months or so away.

Capcom is really looking to push the ancillary markets here in the U.S., it seems. First, ADV licensed the Devil May Cry anime after a scant two episodes were released (and weren't that good, in my opinion), and now the Phoenix Wright manga, something that I've only considered sanctioned fanfiction, is being taken rather seriously.

There's been a strong following of the chapters, though, as they've been floating around on Court Records for a while. So, you can either read them there, even though it's a lot more illegal now to do so, or, you can just wait for Japanator to do a review when it comes out.

The above trailer for Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Someone Stole All of Our Punctuation Trials and Tribulations comes courtesy of Capcom's interblag, and even though it's a glorified Flash game you can almost hear all those would-be McBeals starving themselves in the hopes of landing on top of Harrison Ford's decrepit wang.

No, I don't know what that has to do with Phoenix Wright, but Indiana Jones is like three hundred years old! During sex he momentarily turns to dust before re-constituting himself as a bat and flying off into the night!

Seriously, it's gross.