This week's fake game is one for the record books, and it's brought to you courtesy of tazarthayoot and, as always, Fronz's mad Photoshop skills. The game is Onimusha: The Game: The Movie: The Game: Starring Jean Reno, and it's got more badass French people than you can shake a goddamned stick at. Says tazarth:

Jean Reno plays himself in a past life, where he is also named Jean Reno. He's a captain underneath the shogunate lead by Lord Nobunaga, who is also played by Jean Reno.

During the battle of Reno-deska, he realizes that Lord Nobunaga is evil incarnate, but realizes it too late, and he and the rest of the clan (all played by Jean Reno), are left for dead. Jean Reno wakes up pissed off and decides he'll start killing zombie after zombie (played by Jean Reno) until he makes his way back to Nobunaga, for an amazing swordfight finish atop a giant mountain (played by Jean Reno), and that final fight scene is also choreographed by Jean Reno.

I've decided that there should actually be a game for this as well. It will be dubbed Onimusha: The Game: The Movie: The Game: Starring Jean Reno.

Gameplay is a RPG puzzle game.

And really, I just want a photoshop of Jean Reno fighting himself on top of a mountain made up of his own head. Is that so wrong?

No, it isn't, tazarthayoot. Dreams do come true.

It's not exactly Capoeira Fighter or anything, but Adult Swim's Bible Fight makes up for its gameplay flaws with good, old-fashioned, hilarious blasphemy.

That's right -- you can play as one of six characters from the Bible (and one unlockable fighter, whose identity you can probably guess): Jesus, Moses, Mary and Baby Jesus, Eve, Noah, and Satan. Each fighter naturally comes with their own sets of special moves: Jesus uses his crown of thorns as a projectile weapon, Noah can summon all the animals of the Ark, and Eve can whip with the Devil-Snake. 

It's not anything to write home about gameplay-wise, but it's still above average considering most 2D fighters on the Internet. Plus, how can anyone complain about a game that will invariably make you yell, "GOD DAMNIT, WHY IS SATAN'S REACH SO LONG?!?" It certainly happened to me.

File this under news that you just can't keep a great console down. In a recent interview with eWeek.com, Robbie Bach was quoted as saying that things are on the up and up for the Xbox 360. In fact, he fully expects to see everybody's favorite box of joy -- with the highest attach rate of games in console history -- to net Microsoft a nice profit starting in 2008. Don't believe us? Read on:

So, it's a business that will be profitable next year—we'll make money next year and that will be the first time, which is pretty exciting. And then the next two or three years are the place where you need to make tracks, and the next two or three years are where you have to make money.

As everybody knows, getting beyond the magical break even point off the hardware itself is difficult, at best. Maybe Microsoft and Sony should take a page from Nintendo's book, since they obviously know how to squeeze out some cash from near about everything they make.

In other news, Nintendo figured out how to bring consoles out of the gate that print money. Never mind, if the name is somehow synonymous with underpowered hardware that still manages to mop up the competition with its simplicity, awesome controller, and oh so attractive price point.

Regardless, my bet is still on Microsoft taking home the crown, when history revisits this race. When you have an unmatched online component, a steady stream of quality games, and enough horesepower under the hood to make it purr like a kitten (all the while not costing an amount requring a credit check), things are bound to go your way sooner or later.

As if it wasn't bad enough that we don't get all the cool Japanese games, there are now also Russian absurdities to kill puppies over. Secret Agent Royal Jew? How awesome does that sound! Even if the game was total crap, I'd love to walk around with that cart taped to my forehead so people could run to me and ask me all about it at conventions. You know, because the robot helmet isn't enough. Ahf Mir Gezogt!*

If you're feeling experimental and have 3 hours to kill, other pirated curiosities from China were also spotted on this site, like The Panda Prince (known as Earnest Cavalli in the states). Among the notable ones are weird Shinobi games, Mario in a McDonald's, fake Harry Potter 8-bit roms, and sultry cheesefests like Honey Peach. Use the menu on the top left of CaH4e3 to go through the years of debauchery.

*That means "don't touch my lambchops" is Swedish. Unfortunately, no additional info on this gem is available. If you have any details, please immediately notify this guy.  He's been playing Tetris for decades and is starting to crack.

[Via InsertCredit] 

The premise of Scientology Pwned is to essentially shoot everything in sight. The single unobstructed map has four enemy generators that create progressively tougher enemies. Use the arrow keys to move your character, and hold the control key to shoot. Your shooting direction will automatically lock when the control key is held down. Alternatively, the shift key can be held to lock your shooting direction when the control key is not held down. Music was composed by Jonathan Mak, creator of Everyday Shooter.

For posterity, here's an ancient page from our humble beginnings with the last batch of booth babes from E3. Let's have a moment of silence for their departure. How did Taipei's stack up to ours? (Answer: ours are more stacked)

More proof that I wasn't talkin' crazy when I said Microsoft is all about the community, Major Nelson has come out today and asked the people what they'd want the Marketplace 10 Commandments to be. Had God spoketh to Microsoft, what do you think he'd say?

Got some suggestions? Let us hear them. But please, they must be in commandment form. Here's my example/suggestion: Thou shall not allow EA to rapeth customers. 

Allow me to take a bit of a departure from your normally scheduled Dtoid news and present to you a photo of the Devil's kitten enjoying the Nintendo DS. Is there any animal on this planet that doesn't love the DS?

[Via Evil Avatar] 

Wii Weather: Sure it looks pretty, but what else does it do? Well, apparently not much else. Without an up-to-the minute correct forecast, what's the point of having it on the Wii in the first place? That is precisely what Matt C. of IGN was wondering when he wrote this recently in his blog:

If you want to know what the weather was like eight hours ago in your city, Nintendo's Wii Forecast Channel is amazing. But if you want up-to-date information on the weather, you're in trouble. I don't know if it's Nintendo's issue or if it's a shortcoming of the data provider, weathernews, but whatever the case, the Wii Forecast Channel is rarely, if ever adequately up-to-date.

I hope someone gets their act together because if the data was current, Wii Forecast would be a great little extra. I actually check it out daily for a quick snapshot of the weather around the world. The Globe function is amazingly well done, but again, it's discouraging to look at the world map and see that it's sunny in Los Angeles but somehow the moon is out only a few miles away in Redondo Beach.

Nintendo, if you're going to do this stuff, make sure it works. Whether that means ensuring WiiConnect24 is more timely or going with a different provider, do it. Otherwise, don't bother at all.

And because it's free, is that really an excuse? Like he says, if it doesn't work, why even bother?

[Via Go Nintendo] 

Look people, do you think it feels good to get out-friended by the likes of Kevin Periera on MySpace? Do you understand how large a hit my ego takes when I see this stuff? I didn't want to have to resort to begging, but sadly it has come to this. Please, for the love of all that is holy, add me to your MySpace!

We are a community here at Destructoid, so let's all feel some community love and add me to your MySpace friends list. Yes, I know MySpace sucks, but it's the only way I'll ever feel good about myself. I need to feel loved people!

Other Dtoid staff who need love:

Niero (Destructoid general); Nex (pretty boy); Nagiko (new hotness); CTZ (crazy man); Faith (do you have the faith?); Fronz (no, not the Fonz)

Or, if you really do hate MySpace, feel free to always stink it up in our forum.

According to a Dutch newspaper de Volksrant, by way of GameSpot, Sony's future *cough* killer PlayStation 3 app *cough* is setting all kinds of spending records in the native land of clogs and windmills.

Today, the long silence on the game was broken by the Dutch newspaper de Volksrant. In an article titled, "A video game more expensive than the most expensive film," the daily highlights the next-gen Killzone and its developer, Amsterdam-based and Sony-owned Guerilla Games. The piece's name comes from the fact that the game is costing more to develop than the priciest film in Dutch history, director Paul Verhoeven's World War II thriller Black Book (Zwartboek).

While Black Book cost more than 16 million euros (approximately $21 million), Guerilla won't mention specific numbers for Killzone's budget. "Our budget tops [the film]," said Killzone director Arjan Brussee. "We're working on the biggest multimedia project in Dutch history."

Yikes, $21 million and change? That's a whole lotta bones on a franchise that failed to live up to the Halo killer hype that was initially promised. Perhaps the injected millions and a spit shine will give us what we missed the first time around. I wouldn't hold your breath on that one though.

As to why it's costing so much, well, PS3 goods don't come cheap:

Killzone's high cost is due to the labor-intensive development nature of graphically demanding next-generation games. "Work that used to take someone a week now takes him a month," said Brussee. Currently, some 120 developers are working on Killzone--roughly three times the staff of the first Killzone. Interestingly, half of dev tem comes from outside the Netherlands, up from one third on the PlayStation 2 original.

Another factor driving up the game's price tag is localization, as the new Killzone will be fully translated in 20 different languages. This effort will pay off in the long run, Brussee thinks. "You sell 30 to 40 percent more [units] with a translated version," he said.

Hints at possible downloadable content would point to the possible recoup of the expenses, but unless this thing is porting over to the 360 or it really is the second coming of Christ, then I smell bankruptcy in a developer's future.