With Electronic Arts having revealed its fangs of late with an attempted hostile takeover of Take-Two, it was about time that the Empire of the games industry showed the world what it was truly like. Cue the arrival of Lord Riccivader, and EA's new name -- Evil Acquirers, Inc.
As I've always said, EA is pure evil and the company itself has finally come out and admitted so. EA's new Web site, EatTake2.com shares with us Evil Acquirers' blissful vision of a galactic utopia under one glorious banner of nefariousness. Its message to "Taketooine's" shareholders makes things very clear regarding the company's offer of $26 per share to swallow its victim whole:
Now look into my eyes. Look into my eyes and trust me when I tell you that you will never get a better offer than this. $26 is the most that we, or anyone else, will ever propose. Ever! And Evil Acquirers, Inc. is liable to walk away at any moment. Why? Because your planet has nothing of value. GTA? It's had its day. BioShock? A one-hit wonder. Sports? It means nothing to us. Face it, folks, you are carrying a pile of dog shit in a wet paper bag and we are offering you a king's ransom to take it off your hands. Accept the money and be grateful.
This is the future of the games industry people. Embrace your new masters now, or embrace death later. Sell YOUR soul today, because no better offer is coming.
Jim Sterling serves as reviews editor for Destructoid.com, head of the Podtoid podcast, and produces a number of news stories, original features, one-of-a-kind videos. With his passionate argumentative style, controversial opinions, harsh delivery, and dedication to brutal honesty Sterling is a name that you can't help but recognize.
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Contest:
4:48 PM on 03.04.2008
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Nice one, EA
And you will know
Who your master is
Jim isn't going to let something silly like "facts" get in the way of a "good" story.
Awesome.
can you hear it guys?
is music to my ears...
What? You know that page isn't actually by EA (even as a joke)...right?
Wow. Somebody's tetchy. And feeling quite persecuted for his EA hate, apparently.
Yeah, I find mindless EA hatred stupid. This, however, was a rather well-thought out satire, so I approve.
Now you may go back to feeling like a loser or whatever it is that got you upset.