E3: Skyrim will make you feel as powerful as God's cock

9:25 AM on 06.08.2011

Jim Sterling

Former Reviews Editor

The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is one of the most talked about games on the E3 show floor, and with good reason -- it's f*cking ridiculous!

The demonstration's first example of combat features a wolf getting KICKED IN ITS STUPID WOLF FACE! That's the opening gambit, and it only gets better from there. Finishing moves are just part of a completely overhauled combat system in which you STAB GOBLINS IN THE BACK AND SKEWER ELVES THROUGH THEIR DUMB NECKS! 

The Plasmid-like magic system is absurd as well. Maybe you'd like to dual-wield a Detect Life and Frenzy spell SO YOU CAN SEE TWO IDIOTS THAT ARE A MILE AWAY AND THEN MAKE THEM GO BERSERK AND FIGHT EACH OTHER AND THEN YOU JUST STROLL UP LIKE A TOTAL PIMP AND FINISH THE PRICK LEFT STANDING!

Oh, and let's talk about dragons ... AWWWW YEAH, RANDOM DRAGONS, FOOL, THAT CAN BREATHE FIRE OR ICE OR WHATEVER AND YOU MIGHT RUN AWAY FROM ONE AND DO A QUEST IN A DUNGEON AND COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE BUT .... DAAAAAAMN, SON, THAT DRAGON WAS LOOKING FOR YOU AND IT FOUND YOU!

AND THERE ARE GIANTS HERDING MAMMOTHS, AND YOU CAN CLIMB UP A MOUNTAIN, AND YOU CAN CHANGE THE ENTIRE GAME'S WEATHER AND MAKE A STORM ATTACK A MONSTER, AND FOR GOD'S SAKE A GIANT SPIDER IS IN IT AND A DRAGON PRIEST WHATEVER THAT IS AND OH GOD THIS GAME IS GRRRRRNNNGGGGGGRRRRRRAAAARRRGGGHH!

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