E3 2007 is right around the corner and
everyone and their mothers are predicting all kinds of crazy stuff to be announced this week. Team Destructoid will be at all the events in full force (as well as EIEIO) and we will make sure to bring you all the news as fast as possible.
Originally, we were going to do a
Destructoid staff prediction for E3, but the e-mail that circulated about it went downhill really fast.* So instead, we want to hear what
you think is going to happen. Is
Killzone 2 going to make a playable appearance? Is
cease & desist coming to the 360? Is
Smash Bros Brawl going to finally get a firm release date? So many questions!
What do you think is going to happen? Let us know, no matter how crazy it is, we want to know.
*I can safely say that no other company has an internal e-mailer as crazy, demented and psychotic as ours.
Hamza Aziz, Destructoid's Community Director, has been here since day one. He was born when a tiger coughed up a hairball into a pool of ooze. He was one of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles before budget cuts. Hamza works as a previews editor and manages a team in San Francisco. To date he has given away tens of thousands of dollars in prizes to readers. What a dick. Actually, Hamza is as kind as he is hairy.
Likes
Super Mario RPG, Halo, iPhone, Videogame cover bands, Super Nintendo
Meet the rest of the team
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Contest:
6:26 PM on 07.08.2007
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Microsoft - No surprises,,just reminding us whats coming out this year
Nintendo - Brag about $$$ made, further alienation of core fans
Wii, now availible in Red, Green and black.
Super Mario Galaxy Delayed.
DS, Getting a new color.
25% of games previewed are non games.
Microsoft:
Halo 3 Preview video released.
Zune?
Sony:
PSP lite announced (with HDD)
"The Playstation 3's dominence will be imminent in the Future"
Playstation Home getting a firm Release date.
Other:
Jokes about the PS3 will be overheard.
2: Microsoft's press conference comprises mostly of Peter Moore laughing evilly while dollar signs spin on the screen behind him. Announces the Halo 3 ARG shall actually be a legally recognised religion.
3: Nintendo announce that their new core market are perverts and show at least three new games for the DS and Wii, all involving pulling up womens skirts. Miyamoto comes out and is whipped mercilessly with barbed wire until he comes up with yet another Mario game.
4: A spokesman for EA comes out and masturbates frantically onto the crowd, before announcing that everyone who works for EA worships Satan and one of the conditions of an EA employees contract is that they illegally violate children in public at least once a month. They also announce record earnings, and record future earnings.
5: A tiny indepentant developer shows off an impressive new game with a fascinating game engine and totally new idea behind it. EA buys it, kills the developer and promises to use the engine for Madden 09.
God, I'm cynical.
Sony will attack the giant carbs weak point for massive damage after using a realtime weapon change in ridge racer.
Nintendo will just do somethin mario related and everyone will be happy.
6: Shia LeBouf turns up at Sony's press conference to push PSPs and PS3s on people. He's heard to scream "For the love of god, they have my family hostage! Please help!" before he's chloroformed and dragged away.
7. The Phantom re-appears. At least eight people die of shock. Two people die of compulsive vomiting. But that could just be because Moore showed off his MGS4 tattoo on his ridiculously flabby 'abs'.
8: Moore goes one step further and proudly displays a Katamari tattoo on his ass. Peoplr scream in fear but this does not deter him. He shows it around the whole convention. Local hospitals are overwhelmed with patients saying "My god... The ass... The unholy ass...".
9: Microsoft finally announce that 360s are pretty much broken from the start. "We're spending $1,000,000,000 just to make you happy!", a spokesman screams before rituallistically disemboweling himself onstage as way of an apology. Poor bugger.
10: A new slim PSP is announced. "You can play games on it!", Sony says. "And movies, too!". They make a passing comment that the new, slimmer PSP is easier to hide from your friends and quickly leave the stage.
11: Gears of War is announced for the PC. A Microsoft spokesman tells the crowd that the game is only playable on Vista. A special add-on is released with the game that will rip your genetalia off unless you're playing the game on Vista. Hackers quickly modify the add-on for sexual pleasure. While playing Gears of War on the PC. Sales go through the roof.
12: Assassins Creed turns out to have been a tech demo. The head of Ubisoft is pulled apart and eaten by game journalists.
13: Crytek turns out to have been an actual game rather than a graphics demo. Everyone is shocked and starts thinking about how much it'll cost to upgrade their computer.
14: More details are announced about Starcraft 2. The population of South Korea spontaneously orgasm. Together. We find it very strange. Especially when we see it on YouTube.
15: Moore produces one last tattoo. It reads: My wife will kill me if I get any more tattoos". Eveyone laughs, but we still hold him down in the parking lot and tattoo 'Assassin's Creed 2 2010' on his forehead.
Also, price drops for all three consoles, motion control for the 360, and some sort of online FPS for the Wii.
Odds that every game journalist on the face of the planet will get shitface drunk this coming Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday: 1/1.
A Jager and Red Bull for Mr. Workman and myself.
You mean you'll be at EIEIO, which stands for "Expo for Interactive Entertainment: Independent and Original". I'd hate for you guys to end up at the wrong party.