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3:57 PM on 08.01.2008

437 comments
Destructoid review: Eternity's Child
Anthony Burch

erere

I really, really hate doing header text for reviews, and Eternity's Child isn't making my job any easier. Where do you start? Talking about the game's complex history over many potential platforms? Talk about the game's creator, Luc Bernard, whose skill at self-promotion has put his work firmly in the public eye for one reason or another? How the game fits in amongst indie gaming in general?

I suppose by writing out which of those things I could use as an intro, I've essentially used them all. Thus, I consider my job done as far as writing pre-jump text goes.

All you need to know before hitting the jump is this: the game is Eternity's Child, and the reviewers are myself and Conrad Zimmerman. And even though Mr. Destructoid is in the game, that doesn't mean we're going to go easy on it.

Eternity's Child (WiiWare, Steam [reviewed])
Developed by Luc Bernard and Silver Sphere Studios
Published by Altern8

Released on July 31, 2008 on Steam; WiiWare release date forthcoming

 

erere

Anthony Burch

Before we begin, I need to make one thing absolutely clear: I do not enjoy bashing games. I'm not one of those guys who takes great pleasure in coming up with profane puns to mock the title of a game I hate, and I take no glee in ripping something to shreds -- especially if that game is created by a very small team of people, working for little to no cash.

Even with that in mind, however, I have to say this: Eternity's Child is the worst game I've played in several years.

Let's start with the most superficial, and work upward. The graphics, one might think, look great: Bernard's drawings feel sort of like Tim Burton mixed with someone who isn't as breathtakingly pretentious or gloomy as Tim Burton, and, in screenshots, the game looks awfully beautiful. 

Unfortunately, the graphics only look good in screenshots. In motion, the game looks as good as, if not worse than, most flash games you might find on Newgrounds. The character animations are incredibly stiff: the sprites glide across the screen with the absolute minimum amount of personal animation required to show that they are, in fact, walking and not just magically floating from place to place.

erere

Next, story. There is one, and I'm sure it's interesting, but it's delivered in the most boring way possible: through a several-minute-long, text-only prologue which explains, in detail, the characters, the world, the villains, and the plot. It's a clunky, inefficient, and just plain lazy way of delivering story to the player: why not interweave the story with the gameplay in some way -- in any way? Unless you feel like memorizing a bunch of proper nouns and abstract plot points the game throws at you in its first five minutes, then the story of Eternity's Child will be irrelevant at best, and nonexistent at worst. 

But let's forget the story, and talk about gameplay.

Let's talk about level design, or the complete lack of it on display in Eternity's Child. How the player is given essentially no direction as to where to go, but to move randomly eastward, hoping to bump into something of importance while making blind leaps of faith, praying to land on something to show that they're on the right track.

Let's talk about how the jump button only responds to your input about a third of  the time, leading you to fall to your doom for no good reason.

Or that the player must kill every single flying enemy they see, because even if they manage to temporarily run away from them -- even if they run all the way to the opposite side of the level -- the enemies will eternally chase them, so that five minutes after escaping a horde of Evil Flying Robotic Heart Things, you rest for just a moment and, from out of nowhere, the Evil Flying Robotic Heart Things you'd forgotten about come from offscreen and kill you. The only way to survive any encounter with the enemies in the game is to shoot every last goddamn one you come across, unless you feel like being ambushed after you've assumedly gotten out of harm's way.

Additionally, the jump button only works a third of the time.

erere

And speaking of combat, the shooting mechanics just don't feel right. I find it hard to verbalize, but the projectile combat is just poorly paced all around: since your bullets can collide with the bullets of your enemies, and since your enemies fire a lot of bullets, and since the enemies take a lot of damage to kill, and since you can't dodge these bullets since the jumping mechanics are horrendous, your only recourse is to stand more or less still while firing an unending stream of your own bullets at the enemy, waiting patiently as your bullets slowly knock away each one of the enemy's dozens of bullets until finally reaching the enemy himself and eventually destroying him after a few shots. You can't really understand just how underwhelming and slow the combat is until you play the game -- something which I would strongly recommend against doing in the first place.

Roughly 66% of the times you hit the jump button, your character won't do anything.

To summarize: the graphics are bad, the story is irrelevant, the level design is horrendous, the shooting is sloppy and the platforming mechanics are even worse. Yeah, there's a level editor, but saying the level editor makes the game better is like giving someone a crudely-drawn picture of a penis along with a pencil, and saying the pencil makes the picture itself better because you could hypothetically improve it.

There is nothing good about this game.

Score: 1.0

 

erere

Conrad Zimmerman

We've observed Eternity's Child for a long time now and had an intimate connection with it. Now it's out and I'm left scratching my head, wondering what went wrong. If you've ever had a family member that's a few years younger than you, someone you've watched grow up and care about, only to discover that they've become utterly insufferable as an adult, you'll understand where I'm coming from here.

Luc Bernard's artwork is beautiful. The backgrounds alone are breathtaking and I could easily lose myself staring at them. The characters and enemies are equally attractive. It all goes wrong once they start to move. Suddenly, they become paper dolls being danced around a kitchen table by an eight year-old. Watching these gorgeous, detailed characters flop around in the environment with stale, rigid and lifeless animation pained my heart.

erere

We were warned that the game would be hard and it is. The problem is that it's difficult for the wrong reasons, most directly in terms of control.

In general, the controls are more loose than a five dollar hooker the morning after shore leave ends. Your character defaults to their running speed and you have to use a separate key to slow him down. If you want to walk to maintain control, you have to keep this key held down, which is really inconvenient when you have to keep one hand on the mouse. Not that it matters much, since you won't be able to clear most of the jumps without going at top speed and you'll probably just wind up struggling in a stop-start motion to make sure that you don't overshoot instead of bothering with it.

Shooting works better, if that says anything. The mouse cursor determines the targeting of your fire while the left and right mouse buttons produce rapid-fire and a charge shot, respectively. The charged shot is interesting because you can catch it with the cursor and then direct it around the screen to kill enemies. It's a cool idea that utterly fails in execution due to how precisely the cursor must be placed. And, since everything in the environment can collide with your ball and set it off course (and away from your already tenuous grip), trying to use this ability is frustrating at the best of times.


t
Where stages are concerned, I found them to be surprisingly well-designed. Big and complicated, there are often multiple paths to be taken and you'll occasionally be forced to do a little problem solving to get past a seemingly impossible distance or grouping of enemies. Unfortunately, other design choices ruin what is an otherwise decent effort. As pretty and detailed as the art elements are, they take up a lot of real estate on the screen. Consequently, it's impossible to see far enough to determine where many platforms are and you'll often blindly jump in the hopes that solid ground may appear beneath your feet.

Other technical issues abound. The game crashes on menu screens from time to time. It did not support my joystick (or those of other people I've spoken to about it) despite having the option available. Sometimes it just doesn't want to load the first level. (NOTE: A patch has been released since the time of writing, which may or may not fix these problems.)

When all is said and done, this is a horrible excuse for a commercial release. Nothing could possibly redeem the full product, but there is one positive that I can lend to this review: the soundtrack is excellent. It is too good for this. The best experience you can possibly have with Eternity's Child is to look at screenshots and listen to the score. And, at around nine and a half minutes, this activity would be enjoyable for a longer period of time.

Whatever you do, don't buy this game. In fact, don't even say its name, for that might give its already unholy form power.

Score: 1.0

 

Final Verdict: 1.0 (Practically unplayable. An exercise in absolute madness.)

wew



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Latest comment by muratcaner |view all 437 comments
thank you very good post super site ...




Dtoiders have posted 421 comments:

TheRemedy's Avatar
TheRemedy at 08/01/2008 15:55

ouch
godkow's Avatar
godkow at 08/01/2008 15:55

Oh snap.
Niero's Avatar
Niero at 08/01/2008 15:55

Jesus. Luc, fire your programmer! Get that slacker into the comments! By request, we've invited Luc to debate the review and anticipate him here shortly.
Butmac's Avatar
Butmac at 08/01/2008 15:56

Hahaha

Oh man.

oh....oh man.
Unicorn's Avatar
Unicorn at 08/01/2008 15:56

lol wow.
BFeld13's Avatar
BFeld13 at 08/01/2008 15:59

Isn't it 66% of the time that the jump button doesn't work?

Math!
---AMARU---'s Avatar
---AMARU--- at 08/01/2008 16:03

i thought this would be a sleeper hit i guess i was 100% wrong
Jonathan Kerr's Avatar
Jonathan Kerr at 08/01/2008 16:04

Dayum.
Rockefellow's Avatar
Rockefellow at 08/01/2008 16:05

@Bfeld13: Heh.

And wow.
king3vbo's Avatar
king3vbo at 08/01/2008 16:05

Yeeeouch. Prepare for incoming shitstorm
power-glove's Avatar
power-glove at 08/01/2008 16:05

Oh boy!
graphic's Avatar
graphic at 08/01/2008 16:05

The sad thing is that it´s all true.
Still I had fun with it for the short time between the release of the patch and the moment I could not find the second gem in level three.
At least it was cheap.
:(
GoS-CPT-Stewart's Avatar
GoS-CPT-Stewart at 08/01/2008 16:05

Wow...
Colette Bennett's Avatar
Colette Bennett at 08/01/2008 16:06

*hides under my desk*
Yashoki's Avatar
Yashoki at 08/01/2008 16:07

Awww :(
GoS-CPT-Stewart's Avatar
GoS-CPT-Stewart at 08/01/2008 16:08

Dammit, stupid tab button making me hit enter on the "add comment" button...

Anyways what I was going to say was that, like graphic said, it's all too true. I may try to finish it sometime this weekend but the more I play it, the more I get annoyed by the jump button.

I'm fine with the shooting, except for the fact that those giant flying things take like 4,000 bullets to kill...

I'm really hoping some of this stuff can get patched into it.
Tubatic's Avatar
Tubatic at 08/01/2008 16:09

. . . wow.

. . .

damn!
Justice's Avatar
Justice at 08/01/2008 16:09

So this is what his last blog was about.

Wow.
graphic's Avatar
graphic at 08/01/2008 16:10

You can kill those?
blehman's Avatar
blehman at 08/01/2008 16:14

0_o

Dang.
itemforty's Avatar
itemforty at 08/01/2008 16:14

I had no hopes for this game. The characters looked lifeless, and I'm also a dick.
Luc Bernard's Avatar
Luc Bernard at 08/01/2008 16:16

all I can say is this

Nick and the rest of the reviewers did not even review the level editor or the updated controls


so this is kinda personal and highly unprofessional


I'm not even going to debate on this

because I'm releasing a demo on monday

and people are quite happy with the game, so I suggest the buyers to talk about it
Holyetheline's Avatar
Holyetheline at 08/01/2008 16:16

owned
Rockvillian's Avatar
Rockvillian at 08/01/2008 16:16

I've never gotten a call from someone on my way home from work, telling me not to spend $5 on something.

Sorry Luc :(. Your art rocks though.
BigPopaGamer's Avatar
BigPopaGamer at 08/01/2008 16:17

O_O

Jesus......harsh.
king3vbo's Avatar
king3vbo at 08/01/2008 16:19

Sorry Luc, but you should have done some Q&A before you released it. I mean honestly, every person I've talked to that bought the game said the exact same thing as this review
RedRabbit's Avatar
RedRabbit at 08/01/2008 16:20

Yikes....That really sucks, cause it looked kinda good. But oh well. I'm glad Rev and Conrad were honest about its quality and saved me from buying it...also, WTF at the jump button thing. That's just inexcusable.
Butmac's Avatar
Butmac at 08/01/2008 16:20

Luc,



Go fuck yourself.


-Butmac
Gameboi's Avatar
Gameboi at 08/01/2008 16:20

Holy Shit! I never expected the game to be the best ever, but that score has to be the lowest I've ever seen on Dtoid (or any site, for that matter).

I was only casually interested in it before, but ironically enough, I suddenly feel the need to play it and see what the hub bub is all about.
topFAPgearFAPgorillaFAP's Avatar
topFAPgearFAPgorillaFAP at 08/01/2008 16:20

oh man....
Necros's Avatar
Necros at 08/01/2008 16:21

Somehow, as this edged closer to release, I had a feeling it wouldn't live up to the pretty screenshots we've been seeing. Every issue Anthony mentions seems like an unforgivable mistake in game design.

Though, part of me is morbidly curious enough to want to try it out, just to see how bad it is myself. Probably the part of me that played Yaris to completion as an "experiment." I shouldn't listen to that part of me anymore.
galagabug 's Avatar
galagabug at 08/01/2008 16:21

kudos for your honesty. hopefully it doesn't deter luc from visiting the site, and he takes your criticism constructively. his art style is great and hopefully in the future can be paired with quality animations and gameplay.
Justice's Avatar
Justice at 08/01/2008 16:22

@Luc

Yeah a demo is probably the best idea, so that people can make up their mind before buying.
coonskin05's Avatar
coonskin05 at 08/01/2008 16:23

"Nick and the rest of the reviewers did not even review the level editor or the updated controls


so this is kinda personal and highly unprofessional


I'm not even going to debate on this

because I'm releasing a demo on monday

and people are quite happy with the game, so I suggest the buyers to talk about it"


BBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...ok, ok I'm done. BAAAAAAH
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH, oh god, my sides hurt.
RedRabbit's Avatar
RedRabbit at 08/01/2008 16:23

so this is kinda personal and highly unprofessional

Highly unprofessional? They reviewed the main core of the game, and stated its obvious flaws. If they had gone more into detail on the level editor, and said that that portion was good, would it have still been unprofessional?

I think it's kinda unprofessional to say that after getting a bad review.

IMO
DynamicSheep's Avatar
DynamicSheep at 08/01/2008 16:24

...but Nick didn't review the game... and Rev did mention the level editor, stating that it doesn't change the fact that the game is buh-roken.

This review was far from personal as well... they said they had high hopes for the game, that they wanted it to be good.

I'll download the demo strictly because the games got Mr. Dtoid in it, and I support the 'toid (I've got Bomberman Live and don't have a gold account), but if the jump button only works 33% of the time after the controls are improved, I certainly won't be buying it.
Teta's Avatar
Teta at 08/01/2008 16:25

I am fairly dissapointed on Luc Bernanrd`s response.
I mean, Level editor, is a nice adding to games, but it´s not the main thing. it could add some points, but it will not corect the level designs, and plot control, etc.
Oh well.
BahamutZero's Avatar
BahamutZero at 08/01/2008 16:26

Man up, buttercup. Learn from your mistakes and don't go crying about it.

-Bahamazut Bernzero
coonskin05's Avatar
coonskin05 at 08/01/2008 16:27

Luc,



Go fuck yourself.


-Coonskin
Dexter345's Avatar
Dexter345 at 08/01/2008 16:28

Brutally honest reviews.
njsykora's Avatar
njsykora at 08/01/2008 16:29

A level editor is never the saving grace of a bad game, nor should any developer expect it to be. As for a patch to improve controls, they shouldn't be freaking broken in the first place.
Christiangamer's Avatar
Christiangamer at 08/01/2008 16:29

:(. I saved up enough money to get a Wii points card for this. Dang.
EternalDeathSlayer's Avatar
EternalDeathSlayer at 08/01/2008 16:29

Wow, what a fucking baby this guy is. It's obvious the game sucks. Just get over it and move on.
Conrad Zimmerman's Avatar
Conrad Zimmerman at 08/01/2008 16:29

Luc: I bought your game and used that retail copy for the review. This isn't personal at all because, honestly, I really like your art, concepts and style. I thought the game you described was interesting and was really looking forward to it. This was a hard review to write and I wish I didn't have to say the things that I did.

But it's a mess, man, and I would be doing a disservice to everyone on the site if I said otherwise. I'm happy to have paid for it because I believe that you have ideas in you that can produce marvelous games. This isn't one of them, but that doesn't mean I can't support the ideal.

On the topic of the level editor, it's in there. It's sparse on features but it appears simple enough to use once you know what all the commands are. There's no embedded help system, though, which it really should have.
Tubatic's Avatar
Tubatic at 08/01/2008 16:29

For what its worth, if some of this stuff is patched/patchable/fixed before the WiiWare release, I'm still interested in checking it out.

The ragdolls thing sound like a development limitation, as described by Luc previously. For me personally, having not played the game and just seen video, I'm willing to personally give the animations a pass if the game becomes playable in the future.

Good review though, true to form.
Christiangamer's Avatar
Christiangamer at 08/01/2008 16:31

This is why I love Destructoid. Seriously thanks Conrad and Anthony it really is appreciated. I almost felt how hard it was to write this. We still love you Luc. Don't take it hard man!
dvddesign 's Avatar
dvddesign at 08/01/2008 16:33

@Luc

Stop hiding behind excuses and shit. You're just going to end up looking like Jeff Minter did after Space Giraffe, and that's worked out well for him, hasn't it?

If the demo gets to be the judge, let it. Don't backpedal about this feature or that feature. If there's something wrong with the game, take the blame, fix it, and move on.

You knew you were opening yourself up for potential criticism with you trying to ingratiate yourself amongst this or any community. If you didn't, I and every other user on destructoid will not apologize for it, but you're dealing with the buying public here and being apologetic and nice is the only way to win hearts and minds in consumers.
JTHomeslice's Avatar
JTHomeslice at 08/01/2008 16:34

Dayum.
kawitchate's Avatar
kawitchate at 08/01/2008 16:36

hohoho - i'll be F5ing these comments for the next couple of hours! gives me something to do on a Friday afternoon.
Rockefellow's Avatar
Rockefellow at 08/01/2008 16:39

Oh man, I just read one of his blogs, stating that WiiWare games were shit and he's considering just sticking to Steam and maybe XBLA in the future...

I don't know whether to try and stop laughing or feel badly for him.
Necros's Avatar
Necros at 08/01/2008 16:40

After reading Luc's response:

Luc,



Go fuck yourself.


-Necros
RAB's Avatar
RAB at 08/01/2008 16:40

*moves away from the microphone to breath*
the GAMEGOBLIN's Avatar
the GAMEGOBLIN at 08/01/2008 16:41

I CAN HONESTLY SAY I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AT ALL.
ZServ's Avatar
ZServ at 08/01/2008 16:42

Wooow. I can't believe I was gonna buy this. Oh well, just means I can play more audiosurf.
nukka jdav's Avatar
nukka jdav at 08/01/2008 16:42

Oh damn you steam and you're 10% off weekends!!!

I swear to god I was two clicks away from buying this last night.
Luc Bernard's Avatar
Luc Bernard at 08/01/2008 16:42

question, did you play with controller or keyboard?

because controller is unplayable
pendelton21's Avatar
pendelton21 at 08/01/2008 16:43

Jesus. What a failure of epic proportions.
DanGale's Avatar
DanGale at 08/01/2008 16:44

@Luc

Why is it unplayable? Shouldn't you have made it playable?
Conrad Zimmerman's Avatar
Conrad Zimmerman at 08/01/2008 16:45

Luc: I played with a keyboard. I couldn't even get controller functionality to work and wondered how the controls could possibly even translate.
king3vbo's Avatar
king3vbo at 08/01/2008 16:45

question, did you play with controller or keyboard? because controller is unplayable

Luc, that's unacceptable. You need to fix this kind of shit before you release the game.

In summary:


Luc,



Go fuck yourself.


-king3vbo
RedRabbit's Avatar
RedRabbit at 08/01/2008 16:46

@Luc

"because controller is unplayable"????????????????????

If it is unplayable then why the fuck did you not fix the controls? Now it seems as though you are trying to relate to us by admitting that (part of) it sucks, to make you not seem so immature.
Luc Bernard's Avatar
Luc Bernard at 08/01/2008 16:47

oki well this is what I'll do I'll get a demo out oki :)

btw saying go fuck yourself is not nice :P
coonskin05's Avatar
coonskin05 at 08/01/2008 16:47

"There :), I believe is the best 4.49 dollars you will spend"

"I believe is the best 4.49 dollars you will spend"

"the best 4.49 dollars you will spend"

"the best"

RedRabbit's Avatar
RedRabbit at 08/01/2008 16:48

Luc,




Go fuck yourself


-RedRabbit
ZServ's Avatar
ZServ at 08/01/2008 16:48

"btw saying go fuck yourself is not nice :P"

Neither is releasing a shitty game.
Christiangamer's Avatar
Christiangamer at 08/01/2008 16:48

Yeah, Luc, Conrad even stated in his review that the controller he tried to use wouldn't work with the game. Have you read the review or did you just read the score?
Riser Glen's Avatar
Riser Glen at 08/01/2008 16:49

And releasing broken games is nice?

I'm confused...
Scary Womanizing Pig Mask's Avatar
Scary Womanizing Pig Mask at 08/01/2008 16:49

Wait what!? I thought the game was fantastic! The controls all felt perfectly fine, and the graphics were extremely pretty. 0.o
nukka jdav's Avatar
nukka jdav at 08/01/2008 16:50

*sees bandwagon*

*hops on*


GO FUCK YOURSELF LUC!!

YEAHHHH!!!


But really...I'm kinda sad, I had hope for this game.
Timmeh's Avatar
Timmeh at 08/01/2008 16:50

Luc: You can't really excuse the controls based on the fact that gamepad support wasn't properly implemented before release. I think the best thing to do here is acknowledge the issues commented on, reiterate your dedication to supporting the game and not get into petty arguments that are going to give you the same reputation as Jeff Minter (not good). Bringing out the drama train isn't going to change the score or alleviate any of the issues people have experienced.

It sucks when people are hard on something you've put a lot of time into but the best thing you can do here is say nothing and get to working on the bug fixes you mentioned.
Necros's Avatar
Necros at 08/01/2008 16:51

"btw saying go fuck yourself is not nice :P"

Welcome to the internet. You screw up, you're gonna get called on it.
windexwindex's Avatar
windexwindex at 08/01/2008 16:53

from Luc's blog:
"we plan to update regularly the game with new worlds and chapters, also any criticisms or things you want changed please voice yourselves, WE listen to players and want to make sure everyone is 100% happy with their purchase.<