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Cooking Mama or Lucifer incarnate? You be the judge

9:32 AM on 03.26.2007 // Colette Bennett

Cooking Mama has been quite popular since its debut, and not just with Harajuku types desperate to play unusual sims and bounce about screaming "Kawaii" to their boyfriends. Interestingly enough, the game had a quality of instant addictiveness  that sucked some players in from the very start. It was mostly attributed to the simple, quirky gameplay. The truth is, few players realized the source of venomous evil they held in their unsuspecting hands. Hit the jump to find out why I believe Cooking Mama is merely a flimsy disguise for the madness that lurks within.


[Thanks to Hushgush for mad art and Photoshop skills]

1.Mama does not forgive

Mama looks calm, kind and willing to teach. Until you f*ck up, that is. Once you make a slip in her precious kitchen, the flames of Lucifer himself burn in her pupils as she cleans up your failures. The calm exterior is merely a sham. This woman wants to roll up your soul in the form of a sweet fried egg and devour every bite.

2.Mama is a drug addict

Your success in the kitchen is almost as terrifying as your failure. Mama's eyes explode into starry points of light and she smiles big enough to eat your face off of your skull. Once again, the woman is completely unpredictable. Its hard to tell if she's premenstrual or enjoying the charms of a large dose of cocaine, but the latter seems much more likely.

3.Mama is a pathological liar

I knew this the first time she scored me 97 points on a meal I had prepared perfectly. If she is not in the mood to give you a perfect score, you aren't getting one no matter how hard you try. Do not attempt to bribe Mama. She will promptly eat your first born and conveniently forget to mention it at your next lesson.

4. Mama is a (food) racist 

Rice balls, sweet tofu sushi, crab fried rice, udon, sweet prawn, miso soup, fried octopus dumplings, soba noodles....the list of Japanese dishes goes on and on. What does stupid round eye get to eat? Pizza, salisbury steak and a freaking egg? If you're Mexican or Indian, forget it, there's shit nothing in Mama's repetoire for your ass. I can only infer from the selections available that she is not interested in cooking for multiple races. Its only a short jump from there to white hoods and torches.

5. Mama is mentally instable

Should you happen to succeed at not ruining a few recipes, you're rewarded with the chance to combine dishes to make something hideous and inedible, like spaghetti neopolitan with sweet egg sashimi or fried prawns in it. This blatant disregard for the laws of chemistry can be potentially life-threatening. Recklessness of this kind just goes to show how batshit insane Mama really is. It won't be long before she shits in your food and calls it a day.


Bottom line, Mama wants to end you. If you value your life, you'll keep your chopping knife in hand at all times. Women are crazy enough as it is, and we at Destructoid wish to protect you so people actually remain alive to read our blatherings in the future. 

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Colette Bennett,
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