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Citizens, unite: vote Mike Haggar

1:20 PM on 04.13.2013 // Anthony Burch

Ten Reasons Mike Haggar Needs to be the Next President of the United States

[Another gem from Destructoid's Golden Archives, this our most popular story of April 2008]

As you’ve no doubt been following the prospective U.S. presidential nominees, you must be asking yourself several questions: Who should I vote for? Which candidate does Destructoid back? In these rough and troubled times, who is a gamer to support?

As always, we have you covered. We at Destructoid are absolutely pleased and honored to announce our official support for the one candidate whom we believe best represents the ideals and morals of the gaming community: Mike Haggar, former mayor of Metro City.

What do you need to know about this leader of men? Why will Mike Haggar propel this country to greatness? Hit the jump, dear citizen, and prepare to be Haggar-ized.

Ten Reasons Mike Haggar Needs to be the Next President of the United States

1. Mike Haggar was the mayor of Metro City

hjag

Metro City is a town of violence, corruption, and various other types of skullduggery. The police force is either absent, apathetic, or on the take. The inner city is filled with prostitution. Drug trafficking. Kidnapping. Murder.

What kind of man would voluntarily run for office in such a city? What breed of man would resist the urge, the ever-powerful urge, to run from a city of pain and anguish? Who would be strong enough to stand up to crime once and for all -- not through war, but through politics?

Mike Haggar is that man.

Mike Haggar saw the decay of Metro City, and instead of idly standing by while innocent people suffered and died, Mike Haggar ran for mayor. And, running on a platform of decreasing the city’s skyrocketing crime rate, he won. Mike Haggar is a man of his word: shortly after taking office, the crime rate in Metro City dropped by 23%. While certain analysts have attributed this sudden drop to Haggar’s social reform and welfare program, others chalk it up to Haggar’s “punch criminals in the dick” attitude toward crime.

2. Mike Haggar takes the law into his own hands

hagaga

Working within the system is all well and good, but, occasionally, the time comes when a true man must do something more. Getting your daughter kidnapped by the Mad Gear gang leader is one of those times.

When Jessica was kidnapped by the Mad Gear gang in an attempt to strong-arm Haggar into drafting more crime-friendly governmental policy, Haggar got angry. He was not content to just let Jessica’s friends (Cody and Guy) go after her: Haggar went after the bastards himself. It takes a lot of balls to set aside your mayoral duties for a couple of days when asses need kicking, but Haggar has never been one to lack balls.

It especially takes balls to knowingly take on the biggest gang in the city armed with nothing but your (admittedly large) fists, and a heartful of vengeance. But not only did Haggar single-handedly take out the entire Mad Gear gang and rescue his daughter (anyone who tells you that Cody and/or Guy helped in any way are not only lying, but most likely supporters of Hillary Clinton), he also eliminated the gang that took their place -- the Skull Crossers -- a few years later.

Haggar doesn’t take crap from criminals, and he’s not afraid to tackle (literally) the big issues by himself. Honestly: could you ever imagine President Bush going straight to Afghanistan and suplexing Osama Bin Laden? No? Haggar could do it. 

3. Mike Haggar knows the price of redemption

Haggar spent the first forty years of his life as a professional Street Fighter. Though his exploits were never chronicled in any of Capcom’s beloved fighting games, his official autobiography mentions, in great detail, the period of his life when he competed in underground fighting rings. It also bears mentioning that Mike Haggar’s autobiography is 100% true, and cannot be disproven under any circumstances.

The Saturday Night Slam Masters series, apart from having one of the coolest titles ever, details Haggar’s early years as a pro wrestler/bare knuckle fighter. Though Haggar fought for a noble cause (after his wife’s death, he was forced to raise little Jessica by himself), he eventually developed a distaste for the brutal violence of the fighting ring. On his 41st birthday, Haggar decided to call it quits. He knew that violence, while entertaining and absolutely exhilarating to participate in, was not the only thing in life. He wanted change. He wanted justice. He wanted redemption for all of the bones he’d broken and all of the people he’d hurt.

Many politicians today speak of vengeance and war and hatred without knowing the true price of the violence they wish upon others: Haggar suffers from no such hypocrisy. Haggar knows the high cost of violence, and he would never wish it upon others unless they really, really deserve it, or if he is bored.

4. Mike Haggar remains faithful to a dead wife

The details and exact date of the death of Haggar’s wife are unknown. What is known is that Haggar raised their daughter Jessica into a fine woman, and Haggar never once remarried. Haggar is a man of principle, who values fidelity above all else – even if one of the parties in the relationship is dead.

Considering Ridy Giuliani has a lot of support for the 2008 nomination and he’s been married three times, why not support a guy who is exactly the opposite?

5. Mike Haggar is frequently plagiarized

hesse

Not only did Randy “Macho Man” Savage steal Haggar’s stage name (“Macho”) and signature pose (lifting a loved one atop his shoulder after a victory) after Haggar left the underground wrestling circuit, but Jesse Ventura more or less based his entire life off the exploits of Michael Haggar.

Nine years after Haggar, former wrestler, was elected mayor of Metro City, Jesse “The Body” Ventura, former wrestler, was elected mayor of Brooklyn Park, Minnesota. Coincidence? We think not.

And yet, it speaks to Haggar’s endless humility and mercy that he has never once chosen to pursue legal action against these frauds: Haggar believes there are too many pressing issues in the world to worry about a few wrestlers stealing his persona.

6. Mike Haggar proves that age ain’t nothin’ but a number

hagering

The above picture was taken when Haggar was 60 years old. A similarly-aged Solid Snake could never hope to look that good.

He was 40 years old when he retired from underground wrestling. When he took down the Mad Gear gang, he was 46. He destroyed the Skull Cross gang at the age of 50, and continued to mentor upcoming fighters right up to his 63rd birthday.

If you can show me another 46-year-old who can destroy an entire unit of organized crime all by his lonesome, I’ll eat a bucket of live scorpions.

 

7. MUSTACHE


MUSTACHE

 

8. Mike Haggar wears his belt like a man

hagggggg

Look at that. Who wears their belt like that? Men who have some ass-kicking to do, that’s who.

Consider the average belt. Its purpose is to hold your pants up, correct? Well, what holds up the belt? Some belt loops? A weak, little, metal buckle? Mike Haggar refuses to put his trust into such flimsy materials. Mike Haggar knows that the only thing that can ever truly keep Mike Haggar’s pants up, is Mike Haggar himself. Instead of keeping his belt tightly against his midsection, Haggar loops it around his entire torso. The only way Haggar’s pants could ever fall is if someone managed to injure Haggar’s torso, and such an event is a scientifically proven impossibility.

9. Mike Haggar is basically a Bizarro version of Zangief

haggarzangief

To quote Wikipedia:

“Despite his background as a former Street Fighter, Haggar never actually appeared as a playable character in the Street Fighter games, although the two series take place in a shared fictional [sic] universe. Instead, a Russian wrestler named Zangief appears in Street Fighter II, using similar moves to Haggar. The two characters had been described as rivals, despite never being playable in the same games. Zangief even has a spinning version of Haggar's pile driver.”

Haggar has personally refused to comment on either the subject of his mysterious absence from the Street Fighter games, and his alleged rivalry with Zangief. Such a rivalry likely did not develop as a result of likeness rights (as mentioned earlier, Haggar is a lenient man when it comes to those who copy him), and, as such, remains a bit of a mystery.

However, some speculate that the rift between Haggar and Zangief may have developed due to Zangief’s political affiliation: as Haggar is obviously 100% American, he may have been deeply offended by Zangief’s active participation in the Russian Communist party.

But why would Haggar get so upset over the political opinions of a fighting combatant? Why would he take Zangief’s communist background so harshly? There is only one explanation, and we at Destructoid consider it our journalistic duty to divulge it:

ZANGIEF AND HAGGAR ARE BROTHERS.  

Think about it. Twin brothers, possibly separated at birth, pursue the exact same professions in their early lives despite being half a world away from one another. Two buff, hairy wrestlers with almost identical fighting styles. Perhaps Haggar and Zangief’s first-ever meeting took place at the first Street Fighter tournament: perhaps after a round of fighting, the two realized their blood connection, and the irony was too much to take. After seeing his long-lost brother turn to a life of communism and bear-wrestling, is it even remotely surprising that Haggar would refuse to have anything to do with the Street Fighter video games? Maybe just the image of he and his brother in the same video game would have been too much to bear.

10. Mike Haggar wants to prove himself

haggar

Haggar saved Metro City more times than anyone would care to count. He kicked out Mad Gear, crushed the Skull Cross, and did his best to clean up the town during his tenure as its leader.

Yet still, the city forgets him. The inhabitants of Metro City are so quick to dismiss the man who saved their town, so willing to ignore all the great things Haggar did for the community, that by the time Final Fight: Streetwise begins, Haggar is a forgotten gym/dock owner who teaches up-and-comers how to fight. It appears that after years of trying to put violence out of his life, Haggar was forced to return to the underground fighting ring (albeit as a gym owner/trainer and not as a combatant).

How dare the citizens of Metro City turn their back on such a man? How dare we, as Americans, let this offense go unpunished?

Every man, woman, and child in the United States needs a leader they can admire: a man who is strong. A man who is smart. A man who is tough. A man whose mustache has its own zip code. That man, ladies and gentlemen, is Mike Haggar. A vote for Haggar is a vote for decency, honor, and justice.

If you only vote for one person in the upcoming 2008 race, make it Michael Haggar.

NOTES:

- Niero is responsible for that awesome Haggar 2008 photoshop, and it was completely his idea to have Haggar crushing the skull of a bald eagle in his left fist.

-Feel free to create and distribute your own Haggar 2008 campaign products: not only do we need a slogan and some more awesome Haggar 2008 banners








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