Contests Official Rules
No Purchase Required to Enter or Win
1. Eligibility: Destructoid.com contests are usually provided by sponsors who, due to customs and shipping costs (yay budgets), often limit participation to individuals who are legal residents of the fifty (50) United States (unless otherwise stated) and are 12 years of age. We encourage our overseas friends to be super sneaky and make a friend in the United States who can receive your prize, and then you two figure out the customs/logistics. Be cautious about who you trust, obviously. Employees of destructoid.com, their advertising or promotion agencies, those involved in the production, development, implementation or handling of Contests, any agents acting for, or on behalf of the above entities, their respective parent companies, officers, directors, subsidiaries, affiliates, licensees, service providers, prize suppliers any other person or entity associated with the Contests (collectively “Contest Entities”) and/or the immediate family (spouse, parents, siblings and children) and household members (whether related or not) of each such employee, are *not* eligible and will be fired and publicly beaten if are caught participating. All U.S., federal, state and local and regulations apply.
2. Agreement to Official Rules: Participation in the Contest constitutes entrant’s full and unconditional agreement to and acceptance of these Official Rules and the decisions of the Sponsor, which are final and binding. Winning a prize is contingent upon fulfilling all requirements set forth herein.
3. Entry Period: The start and end dates/times of each Contest (the “Entry Period”) will be posted on the applicable Contest site.
4. Entry: To enter a Contest, follow the instructions on the Contest site. Submission will result in one (1) entry. The number of times you can enter the Contest will be posted on the applicable Contest site. The use of any agencies or automated software to submit entries will void all entries submitted by that person.
5. Drawing: At the conclusion of the Entry Period, we will select the names of the potential winners in a random drawing of all eligible entries received during each Entry Period. The number of winners to be selected in a specific Contest will be posted on the applicable Contest site. The odds of being selected as a potential winner depend on the number of eligible entries received during the Entry Period. Potential winners will be contacted via email and will be asked to provide their full name, age and mailing address within a specified time period. If a potential winner does not respond within the timeframe stated in the notification email, we may select an alternate potential winner in his/her place at random from all entries received during the Entry Period. Limit one (1) prize per household per Contest.
6. Requirements of the Potential Winners: Winners will be notified by the e-mail address associated with their account on destructoid.com.com and/or receive a Private Message on destructoid.com.com or through a Twitter Direct Message/Facebook message. Winners have five (5) days from the original message alerting them of their winnings to respond and claim their prize. If no winner comes forward within five business days, the prize will be forfeited and raffled again where Destructoid's hardcore fans are most active (forums/community blogs/facebook group).
7. Prize(s): The prize(s) (including each prize’s approximate retail value) available to be won in a specific Contest will be posted on the Contest site. No cash or other substitution may be made, except by the Sponsor, who reserves the right to substitute a prize with another prize of equal or greater value if the prize is not available for any reason as determined by the Sponsor in its sole discretion. The winners are responsible for any taxes and fees associated with receipt or use of a prize. Prizes will be mailed between 1 to 45 business days after winners have replied with their required info.
8. General Conditions: In the event that the operation, security, or administration of the Contest is impaired in any way for any reason, including, but not limited to fraud, virus, or other technical problem, the Sponsor may, in its sole discretion, either: (a) suspend the Contest to address the impairment and then resume the Contest in a manner that best conforms to the spirit of these Official Rules; or (b) award the prizes at random from among the eligible entries received up to the time of the impairment. The Sponsor reserves the right in its sole discretion to disqualify any individual it finds to be tampering with the entry process or the operation of the Contest or to be acting in violation of these Official Rules or in an unsportsmanlike or disruptive manner. Any attempt by any person to undermine the legitimate operation of the Contest may be a violation of criminal and civil law, and, should such an attempt be made, the Sponsor reserves the right to seek damages from any such person to the fullest extent permitted by law. The Sponsor’s failure to enforce any term of these Official Rules shall not constitute a waiver of that provision. In case of a dispute as to the owner of an entry, entry will be deemed to have been submitted by the authorized account holder of the screen name from which the entry is made. The authorized account holder is defined as the natural person who is assigned to an e-mail address by an Internet access provider, online service provider, or other organization responsible for assigning e-mail addresses for the domain associated with the submitted e-mail address.
9.Release and Limitations of Liability: By participating in the Contest, entrants agree to release and hold harmless the Contest Entities from and against any claim or cause of action arising out of participation in the Contest or receipt or use of any prize, including, but not limited to: (a) unauthorized human intervention in the Contest; (b) technical errors related to computers, servers, providers, or telephone or network lines; (c) printing errors; (d) lost, late, postage-due, misdirected, or undeliverable mail; (e) errors in the administration of the Contest or the processing of entries; or (f) injury or damage to persons or property which may be caused, directly or indirectly, in whole or in part, from entrant’s participation in the Contest or receipt of any prize. Entrant further agrees that in any cause of action, the Contest Entities’ liability will be limited to the cost of entering and participating in the Contest, and in no event shall the Contest Entities be liable for attorney’s fees. Entrant waives the right to claim any damages whatsoever, including, but not limited to, punitive, consequential, direct, or indirect damages.
10. Disputes: Except where prohibited, entrant agrees that any and all disputes, claims and causes of action arising out of, or connected with, the Contest or any prize awarded shall be resolved individually, without resort to any form of class action. All issues and questions concerning the construction, validity, interpretation and enforceability of these Official Rules, entrant’s rights and obligations, or the rights and obligations of the Sponsors in connection with the Contest, shall be governed by, and construed in accordance with, the laws of the Commonwealth of Virginia, without giving effect to any choice of law or conflict of law rules (whether of the Commonwealth of Virginia or any other jurisdiction), which would cause the application of the laws of any jurisdiction other than the Commonwealth of Virginia.
11. Contest Results: To enter the contest without needing to buy/sell anything or request a written copy of the name of the winners, send a self-addressed stamped envelope (stating the specific Contest you are requesting the winners for) to destructoid.com Contest Winners 260 King Street Suite 883, San Francisco California 94107. We run many contests, so please be specific in what you are requesting. Winner requests must be received within thirty (30) days from the end date of the applicable contest (they're always posted on our site though). Winners are usually posted the day following the contest on our contest section.
Lastly, Destructoid has the right to kick your ass and take away your prize if you are a total dickhead, so be cool and don't kick any puppies on your way to victory. Have fun with our contests and be a good sport when you win or lose. Remember: First you get the power, then you get the money, then get the baby.
What do I win?
... comments need an edit feature.
I called dibbs!
"Hey man, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
Ron you are the man.
My clan of friends and I were hanging out at our spot during high school one day. My group of friends was very large and had around 5 girls in it.
Nothing happend that day. Nothing. It was an average boring day.
So my buddy Grant and I were trying to talk about a game that was coming about but all of the girls were incredibly fucking loud, and again, for no reason.
Grant has enough, out of his mouth comes this:
I like my women like I like my coffee....
QUIET!!!!!
Cheers.
-Kevin
“DIE EMO F*CK!”
As I calmly walked up and back to my DS, a lone clap entered the cafeteria, shortly before school started.
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Dave, you're a vet..."
Who drempt he was eating his shoe
He woke with a fright
In the middle of the night
To find that robots had enslaved all of mankind.
What is the hardest part about nailing a dead baby to a tree?
My Erection.
The LollerBear would never win. And turn the fucking fan on.
Wow guys, you're really out of the loop. Snaileb, Taran and I were rocking the comments harder than Ron Jeremy on crack this morning. Funniest shit ever.
On another note, does anyone else like how Ron words that entire speech?
"Company of Heroes! USB adaptor, a 2 gig flash drive...some..Vista DVD...MOUSEPAD!"
"Just what a sore throat needs," I though. So I boiled a cup drank it with honey and felt better. But one cup wasn't enough, I boiled a second and third cup. After that i felt a little better.
Later in the evening I began to feel a rumbling in my stomach. So, I went to the bathroom, sat down and had some really bad dirreah. After I was finished I cleaned up and left, only to be back in the bathroom twenty minutes later for round two. Then round three.
Afterwards, I went to bed wondering what had made me so shitty. "It must have been the tea," I thought. The next day I read the box which contained about for the consumer that drinking this tea will give you "loose runny stool." The tea that I drank was essentially a laxative.
ready to boast. As he opened the door a
truck completely tore off the driver's door. The lawyer immediately dialed 911.
When a policeman arrived, the lawyer was still screaming .
Once he finally relaxed, the cop shook his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you are", he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "What are you talking about?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you notice that your left arm is missing? It must have been torn off by the truck."
The lawyer looked down and let out a terrible scream: "Oh my God!!! ... MY ROLEX!"
"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on"
"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."
suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to
be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy
whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, and then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay, he's dead."
Short and to the point.
Anyways.
A Packers fan was driving south while a bears fan was driving north, after a very close contest between the two teams.
It was a horribly stormy night, worst in years, and both were crossing over the same icy bridge. The two got into the WORST head on collision either had ever seen.
The packers fan got out of his car, said, "I can't believe I made it through that, holy SHIT I should be dead.
The bears fan got out of his car, exclaimed, What the fuck. How the fuck. Why am I alive?
The packers fan looked at the bears fan, said, "maybe this is a sign from god. Perhaps this means we should end our petty squabble, it's just football, right?"
The bears fan said, "After this, I'm up for anything. It must be a miracle."
The packers fan then went to the badly mangled trunk of his car, and opened it. Inside was an untouched bottle of Jack Daniels, without a single scratch on it.
"The second miracle of the night, perhaps a toast is in order?" and with that, he handed the bottle to the packer's fan.
The bears fan then took a long drink from the bottle, said "cheers," then handed it back to the packers fan.
He took one look at the bottle, grinned, then threw it off the bridge and said:
"Maybe after the cops show up."
Made me laugh
It's 1:30 am on a Wednesday morning/tuesday night (whatever your perspective) and we're all trying to come up with a better joke than the rest of us to win a bunch of geeky fucking swag.
Sexlives aren't to be questioned on Destructoid. They merely do not exist.
Yo mama's so fat she's on a "Tryit." She be like, "What ya'll eatin?" "I'll try it."
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
About 10 minutes into the forest the small child tugs on the clown's arm slightly to get his attention.
"Mr. Clown . . . it's really dark out here and i'm scared!" exclaimed the child.
The clown stops and a frown crosses his face as he looks down at the child. He tightly squeezes his clasped hand and says, "Well how do you think i feel? I have to walk back alone!"
three ducks in a park blowing bubbles and a cop arrests all of them takes them to court judge asks first duck its name it says "quack" and judge lets him go since all he was doing was blowing bubbles next duck comes in says name is "quack quack" and also lets him go since he was just blowing bubbles, lastly the third duck comes in and the judge says "let me guess your name is quack quack quack" duck says "nah my name is bubbles".
"John, thank god you're home. I was worried sick."
"I know honey, it's been a long, terrible day. Harry had a heart attack on the fourth hole and died."
"My god! That must have been horrible."
"Yeah it was. All day long it was hit the ball and then drag Harry."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."