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Brutal Legend ESRB description is long, totally epic photo

There was little doubt that Double Fine's Brutal Legend was going to get slapped with an "M" rating by the ESRB. This is a game based off of heavy metal culture -- sex, drugs, rock n' roll... an Iron Maiden album cover brought to life.

So when the ESRB got their glimpse of the game's juciest bits, they walked away with a lot to say. In fact, the description found on the ESRB Web site is without a doubt the longest we've ever read. It talks of "'face-melting solos' (literally melting enemies' faces)," and "dominatrixes." It mentions main character Eddie Rigg's hot rod that bowls over enemies, "resulting in blood effects and more heads and limbs getting chopped off." There's an enemy whose tight, bondage gear outfit reveal buttocks and breasts. The words "f*ck," "sh*t," and "d*ck" are tossed around liberally.

In other words, this may very well be the best greatest videogame ever made.  Hit the jump to read the full ESRB description.

This is an action adventure/role-playing game that tells the story of Eddie Riggs, a roadie who is transported to a mythical world of heavy metal rock. Eddie is armed with a guitar and a double-headed axe, which players can use to slash and dismember enemies. Players can also perform "face-melting solos" (literally melting enemies' faces), meet humanoid creatures dressed like dominatrixes and brandishing whips, and liberate an army of rockers from a life of oppression. Although the storyline is often irreverent and whimsical, the depictions of violence are somewhat intense: Undead humanoids are dismembered with an axe (sometimes in slow-motion); a "Steel-Quilled Blade" causes human enemies to explode into gibs that rain down; machine guns, missile launchers, and sub woofers can be used to kill druids and other fantastical creatures. Eddie can also run over dozens of enemies with his hot rod, resulting in blood effects and more heads and limbs getting chopped off. During the course of the game, characters sometimes engage in suggestive dialogue intended for comedic effect (e.g., "Maybe with all your feedback, you guys could just blow me over the gorge" and "Playtime's over. Now let's get back to the orgy"). Players will also encounter "Skull Rakers" clad in bondage gear and amazon-like warriors dressed in leather outfits that partially reveal buttocks and breasts. Strong profanity (e.g., "f*ck," "sh*t," and "d*ck") can be heard in the dialogue

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52 comments | showing # 1 to 50

Tronjoy's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/30/2009 23:03
Tronjoy
The ESRB just sold me on this game.
Overcrowd's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/30/2009 23:04
Overcrowd
Oh...my god.

I can't fucking wait.
Scion of Mogo's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/30/2009 23:08
Scion of Mogo
this game somehow just got even more metal than it was.
Dan CiTi's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/30/2009 23:09
Dan CiTi
So Comic Mischief?
bodybreak's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/30/2009 23:25
bodybreak
"d*ck".
my god. ban this sick filth.
Jon B's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/30/2009 23:29
Jon B
I think these ESRB ratings are probably some of the best advertising that you can get.
Buddha's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/30/2009 23:32
Buddha
This really makes me want to play the game even more.
Krow's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/30/2009 23:34
Krow
"machine guns, missile launchers, and sub woofers can be used to kill druids and other fantastical creatures."

This is what we would call win.
NESgamer's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/30/2009 23:35
NESgamer
ESRB descriptions sell games better than the gaming journalism!
MrJohans0n's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/30/2009 23:35
MrJohans0n
Fuck, Shit, and Dick all in one game. Yes please.
MaximusDarr's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/30/2009 23:40
MaximusDarr
No doubt about it,this will be the GREATEST game of all time.
CrakieRacooon's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/30/2009 23:43
CrakieRacooon
So...Fucking...Metal.
Rankcanine's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/30/2009 23:50
Rankcanine
i was already going to buy the game this just makes me want it more
ace of knaves's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/30/2009 23:55
ace of knaves
I think this is the first time the ESRB has gotten me more excited for a game.
ButcherPete's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 00:01
ButcherPete
lolhey guys this gaem said bad words, does that make me a hardcore and mature gaemer yet? oh golly jee batman, you can kill enemies with a machine gun, HOW ORIGINAL I CAN'T WAIT.

Seriously? The ability to kill enemies with machine guns is enough to justify a purchase? Let me introduce you to the FPS genre if that's what you're looking for.
Jack Maverick's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 00:05
Jack Maverick
It's not really an Iron Maiden album brought to life since the game's soundtrack doesn't even have any Iron Maiden songs on it. Still, the ESRB description is enough to make me want to overlook that.
Qraze's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 00:07
Qraze
i wonder if this means the game will have a buttplug.
RIMoonlight's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 00:12
RIMoonlight
Uhm... ButcherPete? Did you even read the rest of the ESRB?
I think you completely missed the 'face melting solos', 'sub woofers can be used to kill druids and other fantastical creatures.', and 'liberate an army of rockers from a life of oppression'.

I'm almost debating calling you an idiot, because I haven't actually seen anyone say that it was the machine-guns that 'justified the purchase'. No, maybe the fact that it's creative, zany, awesome, made by TIM SCHAFER and you can melt people's friggin' faces with guitar solos?
Monodi's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 00:13
Monodi
Hahahahaha
DarkMagic56's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 00:31
DarkMagic56
The ERSB just made me even more excited for this game?! Thanks! :)
ArrestedDeveloper's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 00:38
ArrestedDeveloper
I love Tim Schafer.
bluedeviltron's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 00:45
bluedeviltron
Excited.
AfroWalrus's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 00:46
AfroWalrus
BUTTOCKS
There is no alternate reality where I do not buy this game.
Electrium's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 00:55
Electrium
I think that instead of writing up their own summary for the game, the design team should just put that description in fancy lettering on the back of the box. Because frankly, that sounds pretty awesome.
shinigamiDude's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 01:24
shinigamiDude
All the selling points of the game are mentioned here!SOLD!
IncipitOmega's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 01:41
IncipitOmega
Abother reason to defenitely buy the game....
GoldenGamerXero's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 01:46
GoldenGamerXero
I must play this game even if it kills me (Well according to the ESRB it definately will but screw it!)
Xzyliac's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 03:39
Xzyliac
AfroWalrus put it exactly how I wanted to say it.

Dude it's a great year for music fans.
-PL-'s Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 04:08
-PL-
@ButcherPete

You're dumb.
MCChampaignMillionaire's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 06:22
MCChampaignMillionaire
This sounds so f******* cool but I prefer listening to Rap *sad face*
zombiekiller13's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 07:00
zombiekiller13
This should be the ad for the game. Posters, magazine ads, TV spots. Just show this description, and it will sell millions.
SWE3tMadness's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 07:01
SWE3tMadness
I was sold on the game already, but this is still awesome. xD
fetusmilk's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 08:47
fetusmilk
best game ever.
Jesus H Christ's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 09:12
Jesus H Christ
"Undead humanoids are dismembered with an axe (sometimes in slow-motion);"

*groan* I've had enough Zack Snyder slow motion for a while. This game is still going to be incredible though!
AgentMOO's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 09:29
AgentMOO
My face melted
runtheplacered's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 09:41
runtheplacered
I can't believe they're not waiting to release "dick" as an expansion pack. Maybe they'll release "pussy" as DLC.

Anyway, looks great. Bring it on.
Br0th3rGr1mm's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 10:27
Br0th3rGr1mm
They need to make sure this gets printing in HUGE bold lettering on the box somewhere.... This is free PR that you could never buy.
Holyetheline's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 11:49
Holyetheline
They make it sound like the BEST GAME EVER!!!
AhmetBeraty's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 12:31
AhmetBeraty
Wait... So, did I just read that you "fuck" "shit" with "dicks". Sold. Also, it's really hard typing this with an iPhone.
TheBigFeel's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 13:48
TheBigFeel
hahaha. wow
Marc of Arabia's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 15:11
Marc of Arabia
Description over, let's get back to the orgy!
Samit Sarkar's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 16:08
Samit Sarkar
Day. Motherfucking. One.
My Eyes My Eyes's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 17:46
My Eyes My Eyes
"The words 'f*ck,' 'sh*t,' and 'd*ck' are tossed around liberally" – pretty standard fare for an M rated game. But if you just have dicks being tossed around liberally, you've got yourself an AO rating.

ZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING.
Naim Master's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 17:49
Naim Master
Those ESBR guys must be looking for PR jobs...
bastardmaster's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 18:19
bastardmaster
A bit long winded for the back of the box. Wonder if the ESRB will take offense to being quoted in the commercials though. Can mine the shit outta that.
Tenumberoneguy's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 18:25
Tenumberoneguy
Lol "(e.g., "f*ck," "sh*t," and "d*ck")" ESRB can't even spell...
frozenbabylon's Avatar - Comment posted on 08/31/2009 21:28
frozenbabylon
I was going to gamefly this. But no longer. It must be purchased.
Wheatspin's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/01/2009 13:24
Wheatspin
Wow I thought the setlist of music on this game sold me, but now I can't survive without it. Literally, I will die.
AnEvilBrowny's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/01/2009 13:43
AnEvilBrowny
Thank you esrb. I am sold.
SpiralViper's Avatar - Comment posted on 09/03/2009 21:05
SpiralViper
Machine guns, missile launchers, and sub woofers.
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