BREAKING NEWS! KING OF COSMOS IS A CHILD DIDDLING HOMOSEXUAL!

11:07 AM on 04.01.2008   |   Colette Bennett

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Even if you are foolhardy enough to allow videogames into your home (and God knows some of you are, I pity you but I'll still take your tax money), you would hope that by checking the ratings on the lying boxes you could attain some modicum of sanity about what your child is playing. Why then is a game like Katarari Damocles rated "E for Everyone", claiming to contain only "comic mischief", yet its main character is clearly a FILTHY HOMOSEXUAL determined to expose his gentalia to minors.

This horrifying news came to us from a source who preferred to remain anonymous, but we can divulge that the source was personally affected by this wretched figure. Sobbing into the phone, ***** said, " I put the game in to make sure Peter was playing something normal ... before I knew it I was staring into a lavender Lycra-clad crotch ... my child has been playing with the King every day for months and I just never noticed..." The source was taken to the hospital afterwards, hysterical and gibbering "We broke it. Yes, we were naughty. Completely naughty. So, so very sorry. But just between you and us, it felt quite good...."

As we all know, the gays cannot be tolerated, for the gays and the blacks are out to destroy our world, but especially America, which we have worked so hard to keep wholesome. We at FOXTOID hope you would never allow videogames in your home in the first place, but if you foolishly let some slide, check and make sure Latamari Damothenes is not one of them. It's clear that "Cosmos" is merely a placeholder for something dirty, as a little girl cries " I feel the Cosmos!" in the game. I haven't played it, of course, but someone told me she says that. Vile horrors, I tell you.