BREAKING: Liveblogging the opening of Tutan-Ramen's tomb

1:40 PM on 04.01.2009   |   Topher Cantler

169 comments

As promised, Egyptian correspondent Geraldo Beedog is at the scene of today's archaeological dig, prepared to cover the events that transpire upon the opening of King Tutan-Ramen's tomb.

The photo you see above is of heiroglyphics marking the tomb's outer walls, reportedly depicting King Tutan-Ramen himself, being transported by one of his many servants in a vessel that has come to be referred to as "The Royal Jar."

Little is known about Tutan-Ramen, except that he appears to have been incredibly handsome. Please join Geraldo Beedog after the jump for live and ongoing coverage of the exploration, and expected unearthing of King Tutan-Ramen's remains.

2:40- Waiting at the tomb's entrance with some of the workers; we're about to enter the corridor.

2:40- It's hot here. Geraldo Beedog still thinks this is a hoax.

2:40- Geraldo Beedog has to pee.

2:41- Geraldo Beedog has relieved himself in the hot sand.

2:44- Hurry it up, I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY.

2:45- Geraldo Beedog has been told to shush.

2:46- The desert heat is searing my eyes, the sweat like acid as it streams down my forehead and soaks my moustache. But JOURNALISM must prevail, I will endure these harsh conditions for the sake of my readership.

2:47- Ooh, they're letting us in.

2:48- It's fucking DARK IN HERE. WHAT THE HELL. Workers, bring me a torch!

2:50- The corridor is much longer than expected. Looks like it's going to be quite a walk. Good thing Geraldo Beedog never forgets his iPod.

2:51- Rocking some Faith No More on the iPod. The walk down the corridor is long and treacherous, many perils will surely lie ahead. Thank God Mike Patton's voice is here to get me through.

2:53- The walk has left me tired and hungry. Such peril; such struggle. All for JOURNALISM. I will eat the Kitkat Mrs. Beedog packed in my lunch to substain my energy.

2:55- Geraldo Beedog does not NEED your software! I'VE LIVEBLOGGED WARS, DEXTER. THIS IS SUM OG JOURNALISM.

2:56- The Kitkat Mrs. Beedog packed in my lunch seems to have melted in the desert heat.

2:57- Some of the workers have made their way into the tomb! They are reportedly coming back through the corridor with some ancient artifacts they have found within. Geraldo Beedog will report this to you with his INTEGRITAAHH

2:59- Goddamn, I was really looking forward to that Kitkat.

3:00- S'wah I'm EEEEEEEEEAZAAAAAAAAAY..... EASY LIKE SUNDAY MAAAAAWWWWWNIIIIINNNN

3:00- The power of my MIGHTY Mike Patton impression seems to have caused a small cave-in. Some workers may be trapped.

3:02- The workers have managed to dig out, seems all is fine. A guy from Fox News dared reprimand me for my singing, so I STUNG HIM IN THE ASS. Fools. I've liveblogged wars. Gatorsax, Mrs. Beedog is indeed lovely. Purebred Shih-Tzu she is. Not so good at planning desert lunches, though.

3:05- The workers have returned with an artifact! Uploading photos now. It seems to be a statue of some kind.

3:07- Photo of the artifact recovered by the workers:

It seems to be a likeness of King Tutan-Ramen. 

3:09 Workers have recovered another artifact. Looks to be some sort of tablet.

3:10- No, it's a vinyl LP.

The wonders of ancient civilizations, how breathtaking...

3:14- Making our way toward the tomb. Small Victory is such a great song.

3:15- I can see the tomb up ahead. Mike Patton, guide my tiny wings.

3:17- They're making us wait outside. WHAT THE FUCK. 

3:20- It seems they have found a sarcophagus, it is believed to be the remains of Tutan-Ramen himself. They've invited me in to witness its opening.

3:21- Making our way into the tomb. It is magnificent, and the walls are lined with ancient imagery.

3:22- The sarcophagus! IT IS TUTAN-RAMEN!! Photos incoming.

3:24- FINALLY ...

It's ... It's ...

...

IT'S MAGNIFICENT.

3:28- I ... I need a few minutes to take this in ...

3:34- The archaeologists have dliberatd and decided that the sarcophagus must be opened. The remains of King Tutan-Ramen will be revealed to all. This is a monumental day for JOURNALISM.

3:37- The workers are about to open the sarcophagus. Geraldo Beedog tires of typing that word. The tomb is filled with a silent suspense. Everyone be sure to wish Superflossy a happy birthday today.

3:41- THEY'RE OPENING IT!!

3:43- SHIT IS EPIC, SON!! Ahem ... I mean um, this is truly a momentous occasion. The sarcophagus is open and we are gazing upon the royal mummy of King Tutan-Ramen. I will upload a photo of what I am seeing.

3:45- Ladies and gentlemen of the JOURNALISM-loving public, news-hungry patrons of Destructiod, I give you...

KING TUTAN-RAMEN:

This is truly a joyous occasion. All the workers are cheering and celebrating.

3:48- Heiroglyphics experts are deciphering some scrolls that were found within the sarcophagus with Tutan-Ramen's remains. 

3:51- It seems Tutan-Ramen was known in his time as "The Beedog King," and was very respected.

3:52- It says Tutan-Ramen was loved by many, and reigned over the land with a fierce sense of judgement, despite his tiny stature. It says he pioneered something ... some field of study or science that led the people to love him. Everyone was very happy and led rich lives under his rule. We can't seem to decipher what this science was ... part of the scroll has decayed over the centuries ... perhaps we can OH FUCK, SCARABS!!!!

3:54- OH GOD SCARABS EVERYWHERE THEY'RE COMING OUT OF THE WALLS OH MY FUCK

3:55- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

3:56- THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!!!!!

3:57- Fuck, I dropped my iPod, I"M SORRY MIKE PATTON!!!! OH FUCK SCARABS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

3:58- The workers are running ... people scrambling every which way, fighting to claw their way out of the tomb, away from the cursed scarabs ... people screaming ... buildings in piles, just ... crushed and crumbled ... I'm not sure if it's safe to report from my vantage point, I ... I really need to leave ...

4:01- OH GOD THEY'RE IN MY MOUSTACHE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

4:03- We've made it safely out of the tomb. Many were lost, but Geraldo Beedog has survived to JOURNALISM another day. People are crying and searching the sands for the lost.

4:06- The scarabs seem to have stayed within the tomb. I can hear them scratching along the walls, but they seem to be forbidden to cross its threshold. The workers are hurriedly packing up their gear and running away across the dunes.

4:09- It's just me and the safety crew now. Everyone has gone. The other journalists have fled, as they are a bunch of CRYBABIES. Surely you can trust that Geraldo Beedog will remain on the scene to cover the events that transpire here. 

4:10- Yes, just me. I am alone now to reflect on the experience and check my tiny body for scarab bites.

4:12- I was lucky to escape. Silence now blankets the desert. The workers are quietly packing up the last of their gear. It seems we have survived this ghastly horror. I need time to... OH GOD WHAT THE 

Tutan-Ramen: BeeeeeeeeeeeeeDooooooooooooggggg ...

4:16- OH GOD HELP ME IT'S A FUCKING MUMMY

Tutan-Ramen: BeeeeeeeeeeeeeDooooooooooooggggg ...I am yourrrrr .... ancestorrrrrrrr

Yes ... it's all so clear now ... I am ... I am descended from ROYALTY!!

4:19- This is why I was spared! King Tutan-Ramen, my great great great great great great great, etc grandfather ...

You spared me ... you ... you want me to TAKE UP THE THRONE! TO CARRY ON YOUR LEGACY! THE LEGACY OF GREAT JOURNALISM!!

It all makes sense ... I, Geraldo Beedog, after my many years of JOURNALISM, have been chosen by my mighty ancestor, Tutan-Ramen, to carry on the legacy of JOURNALISM, that future generations may know of Tutan-Ramen's legendary JOURNALISM skills ... yes, YESSS

Tutan-Ramen: Nnnnooooooooo ...

No?

Tutan-Ramen: Ddddeeennnnntistryyyyyyy ... 

Lolwut?

Tutan-Ramen: Youuuu mussssssttttt .... becommmmmmme ... nnnnggh ... dentisssstt ...

B ... but grandfather ... I know nothing of dentistry ... I know only JOURNALISM. Surely you must understand that I was put on this earth to bring the people JOURNALISM. 

Dennnnn ... tiiiiisssstt ... Fulllllfilllll ... the prophecyyyyyyyy ...

But grandfather, how? I know only JOURNALISM. How can one learn to be a dentist so easily?

Hnnnnnnnnggggh .... deeeee essssss .. hhnnnngh .. deeee essssss gaaaaaaaame ...

NO ... NO, IT CAN'T BE!!!

GRANDFATHER!!! COME BACK!!

WRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

FIN.