BREAKING: Geoff Keightley's copy of Mass Effect arrested in teen rape scandal

ZIMBABWE: Police have arrested game journalist Geoff Knightley's copy of Mass Effect for indecent exposure and filthy, filthy acts of unnatural sodomy. A neighbor phoned 911 after spotting the Mature-rated jewel case sprawled doggy-style on top of a helpless oak entertainment center. "I was near a window while digging for treasure in his yard and there it was! Humping it in every form, format, multiple, gender-oriented possibility you can think of." Authorities escorted the four-disc copulation simulator from his soiled apartment while "developmental furniture maker" Copper Rincewind comforted the 14-year old cabinet with a fluffy yellow dust tickler and lemon-scented Pledge wipes.

Minutes later a Foxtoid sexpert tried contacting the legal guardian of the game to comment on behalf of his estranged Xbox 360 title but the interview quickly turned violent.  Geoff refused to cooperate with the press, only yelling: "IT'S A F*CKING INANIMATE VIDEO GAME BOX!  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU RETARDS?!!" before he was wrestled to the ground by nearby retired police dogs and sailors. Mass Effect is currently serving 21+ years at ESRB penitentiary with no hope of parole.

[Via Wikipedia]